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Original poster

To think SD mum is taking her anger out on SD?

495 replies

constintine · 11/04/2022 10:02

I have name changed as this is very outing and I've posted personal stuff from my usual account. I'll try to cut a long story short. My SD is 9 and I have been in her life since she was 2.

We have her 8 nights a month and her mum has her the remaining days/nights. It works out every second weekend and one night during the week every second week. DH and ex get on relatively well but have had their moments.

This weekend was our weekend with SD but SD mum had asked a few months ago if she could take her DD for a day out on the Sunday, DH had said yes that's fine. So SD mum had came to collect SD on Saturday night so they could head off early Sunday and then drop her back here Sunday dinner time.

I was at work on the Saturday but apparently SD mum had asked that SD be fed her dinner for her collecting. DH said time escaped him as she was out on the street playing with other kids and SD mum was not happy that she hadn't had dinner when she collected her.

Yesterday they had their day out and SD was dropped off here at dinner time. The plan was that SD would be dropped off at her mums Monday morning, however, last night SD said her mum had said to get dropped off in the evening on Monday instead. When questioned by DH, this was because she was still upset that she had asked 'several times' to feed SD on Saturday night and he hadn't bothered.

My DH is self employed and had scheduled a full day of work plus workers for today and so he had to cancel. He is fuming. She text late last night and said 'I need a long lie, I'll phone when up and I can come and collect SD' to which DH replied 'don't ask me for any favours again and don't expect the money any time soon'.

Due to DH job he can only work certain months out of the year so he owes SD mum 400 odd pounds in child maintenance. When he said 'don't expect the money any time soon' this really set her off.

We have now received this text from her 'I've been absolutely nothing but decent with you about the money, I've waited months and months and for you to say now you won't give me it. Until I get it back, I'm not having SD, I simply can't afford to feed her without the money you owe me. I have my uni work to do all this week also. I couldn't give a fuck about your work if you're not paying me what is owed. I will not answer any phone calls or the door until my money is posted or transferred'

So now refusing to have her daughter. I will be surprised if she actually sticks to that as her and SD are very close and she will know that not being able to go home will really upset her daughter.

I'm now not sure what to do, DH is adamant he is not paying the money due to her messing him about however, if he doesn't then he will miss another week at work so easier to just pay her.

I think she is bang out of order and taking her anger/frustrations out on her daughter which is unfair. What should I do, if anything, in this situation?

I can't help as I am working shifts this week starting at 11 am.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 11/04/2022 15:36

@AryaStarkWolf

He said he'll pay it but just won't be in a hurry to pay it.

Maybe his DD could skip lunch and breakfast for a few months while she waits for him to pay

Good idea. Feeding your child appears to be optional. Who knew.
BrutusMcDogface · 11/04/2022 15:37

He isn’t in a hurry to pay it?

What the actual fucking FUCK.

He’s already overdue with paying for HIS CHILD. He isn’t looking any better, is he? Can you really not see how bad this is?

thewhatsit · 11/04/2022 15:37

This isn’t really painting anyone in a good light is it’s? Your poor, poor SD.

WisherWood · 11/04/2022 15:41

Report them to social services for what? 😂 don't be so ridiculous.

So you think this is good parenting then? They're using the child as a bargaining chip. They're not sticking to any agreed plan to parent her. Social services aren't just there for the major cases of cruelty. They are also there to help parent and frankly these two need someone to bang their heads together and tell them to put their child first.

WonderfulYou · 11/04/2022 15:41

He said he'll pay it but just won't be in a hurry to pay it.

How is she meant to eat?

He’s going to have a shock when her mum comes to her senses and stops being walked all over and goes through CSA.

I’m assuming she left him or he wanted her back which is why he’s acting so petty and she’s been so understanding.

chaosrabbitland · 11/04/2022 15:42

thats ok then .im sure the mum wont mind being skint and struggling whilst he kepts her dangling on for the money . tell me honestly do you really have any respect for this man ?

Tilltheend99 · 11/04/2022 15:43

At a time when money is really tight for people he has not provided money for his child to live off to the point where SD mum can’t afford an extra meal.

It’s all very well to say ‘time escaped him’ (which is the kind of excuse a 12 year old would use) but did you or he even check that his own DD got a meal after that?

It’s unacceptable to not pay any money for his child to have food. She was over reasonable to let him off for so long.

I don’t think you should continue to support his withholding the money as it is very close to child abuse if he knows he is stopping his own child eating.

chickenpestopanini · 11/04/2022 15:43

He said he'll pay it but just won't be in a hurry to pay it.

Ffs tell him to pay her now. Based on your post he's clearly got the money and just enjoys having the power over her. She caved, he won so pay her and tel him to make sure she's always paid. CM is as important as rent/mortgage. He is abusive scum using it to punish his ex.

wanttomarryamillionaire · 11/04/2022 15:43

Your husband is completely out of order! You both don't like it when she refuses her parental responsibility but its ok for your dh to abdicate financial and parental responsibility? He needs to give his head a wobble.

Narwhalelife · 11/04/2022 15:45

Child maintenance is based on a % of what the man (or woman) earns. Surely if your DH wasn’t working he doesn’t owe the money?

If they were still together, what would his ex have done?

Child maintenance is compensation for a man (or woman’s) absence in the family. So compensating what he would have bought to the family unit.

So does he owe her money or has he said he would continue to pay her despite not earning any money for some months? @constintine

Also, what mother refuses to have her child back?

lovingtheheat · 11/04/2022 15:45

Poor SD having a father that cares so little for her. The only positive in this situation is that once she grows up she'll realise what a nasty person he is and hopefully vote with her feet. Your responses haven't exactly painted you with any glory OP as your posts read as you condoning his behaviour.

BlueOverYellow · 11/04/2022 15:46

Your husband is being a dick.

The child can't wait to eat or stop growing out of her shoes and clothes until he can deign to pay child support. FFS

If he can only work 'sometimes' then he needs to find another job so his child is supported by him properly. Don't imagine you're going without food and clothing when you need it.

I sincerely hope the mother is pursuing him formally through CMS.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/04/2022 15:47

Can you really not see how awful he is being? If you can’t, I would suggest you both aren’t really living hand to mouth, when it sounds like your stepdd’s mum is.

sweetbellyhigh · 11/04/2022 15:48

Reading between the lines I would guess that the mother has reached breaking point with her ex for very good reasons.

  1. Not contributing fairly to his child's keep
  2. Framing parenting as "a favour"
  3. Putting his ego above the child's well being

What an arse, ugh, how can you even look at him?

BlueOverYellow · 11/04/2022 15:48

@wanttomarryamillionaire

Your husband is completely out of order! You both don't like it when she refuses her parental responsibility but its ok for your dh to abdicate financial and parental responsibility? He needs to give his head a wobble.
Exactly

Sounds like the mother was bullied into a 'like it or lump it' financial support deal for their daughter and now she's on her knees financially ... while desperately studying and trying to improve their lot in life without the arsehole.

girlmom21 · 11/04/2022 15:48

Tell him he needs to pay the money he owes her today and prioritise his child's needs moving forwards.

Don't have a child with him. He'd rather let them starve than inconvenience himself. His ego's more important than her wellbeing.

AryaStarkWolf · 11/04/2022 15:49

@Narwhalelife

Child maintenance is based on a % of what the man (or woman) earns. Surely if your DH wasn’t working he doesn’t owe the money?

If they were still together, what would his ex have done?

Child maintenance is compensation for a man (or woman’s) absence in the family. So compensating what he would have bought to the family unit.

So does he owe her money or has he said he would continue to pay her despite not earning any money for some months? @constintine

Also, what mother refuses to have her child back?

What a take on the situation. Bloody hell.
PunchMunch · 11/04/2022 15:49

@constintine

Just spoke to him, he is refusing to speak to her or give her the money so my hands are tied.
My hands wouldn't be tied, I'd be leaving such a useless waste of space of man.

Are your standards so low that you still find him sexually appealing knowing he's prepared to make his child suffer because his ex has called him out for forgetting to feed his child?

A few people have asked and you why he won't get a job to do his part in supporting child during the months he doesn't work and you haven't answered? Does he expect you pay all the household bills during those months?

bumpermom · 11/04/2022 15:50

So he isn't in a hurry to pay the money the mother of his child needs to feed his child? Disgusting excuse of a father.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 11/04/2022 15:50

If you're standing by him with his behaviour and defending him, you're as bad as he is. He's a deadbeat loser.

sweetbellyhigh · 11/04/2022 15:50

And to answer your thread title

Actually it is your husband who is taking out his anger in his daughter.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/04/2022 15:52

Well let's hope his dear daughter doesn't run out of food before he can be arsed to pay it then. What an excuse of a father.

Talkingtomycat247 · 11/04/2022 15:55

Neither of them are acting in their daughter's best interests at all.
She should be the centre of everything.
In no way should she have to bear the impact of their disagreements.

Her mother needs to seek legal advice if he is refusing to pay maintenance.
No way should she be refusing to have her home though!
Just imagine how a 9 year old will perceive that! Heartbreaking!

TotallyTS · 11/04/2022 15:55

They both sounds like petty dicks. That poor child.
He should have fed her and he should be paying maintenance.

viques · 11/04/2022 15:56

@Narwhalelife

Child maintenance is based on a % of what the man (or woman) earns. Surely if your DH wasn’t working he doesn’t owe the money?

If they were still together, what would his ex have done?

Child maintenance is compensation for a man (or woman’s) absence in the family. So compensating what he would have bought to the family unit.

So does he owe her money or has he said he would continue to pay her despite not earning any money for some months? @constintine

Also, what mother refuses to have her child back?

FFS. Child maintenance is not “compensation for a parents absence” . It is about giving the resident parent money to feed, clothe and house the absent parents child. It usually doesn’t go anywhere near covering even those basics, so there is damn little left over for “compensation”.

And if his job doesn’t happen regularly for a couple of months a year then he needs to find another job to fill the gap, or does he expect the child not to eat or grow during those times?

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