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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SD mum is taking her anger out on SD?

495 replies

constintine · 11/04/2022 10:02

I have name changed as this is very outing and I've posted personal stuff from my usual account. I'll try to cut a long story short. My SD is 9 and I have been in her life since she was 2.

We have her 8 nights a month and her mum has her the remaining days/nights. It works out every second weekend and one night during the week every second week. DH and ex get on relatively well but have had their moments.

This weekend was our weekend with SD but SD mum had asked a few months ago if she could take her DD for a day out on the Sunday, DH had said yes that's fine. So SD mum had came to collect SD on Saturday night so they could head off early Sunday and then drop her back here Sunday dinner time.

I was at work on the Saturday but apparently SD mum had asked that SD be fed her dinner for her collecting. DH said time escaped him as she was out on the street playing with other kids and SD mum was not happy that she hadn't had dinner when she collected her.

Yesterday they had their day out and SD was dropped off here at dinner time. The plan was that SD would be dropped off at her mums Monday morning, however, last night SD said her mum had said to get dropped off in the evening on Monday instead. When questioned by DH, this was because she was still upset that she had asked 'several times' to feed SD on Saturday night and he hadn't bothered.

My DH is self employed and had scheduled a full day of work plus workers for today and so he had to cancel. He is fuming. She text late last night and said 'I need a long lie, I'll phone when up and I can come and collect SD' to which DH replied 'don't ask me for any favours again and don't expect the money any time soon'.

Due to DH job he can only work certain months out of the year so he owes SD mum 400 odd pounds in child maintenance. When he said 'don't expect the money any time soon' this really set her off.

We have now received this text from her 'I've been absolutely nothing but decent with you about the money, I've waited months and months and for you to say now you won't give me it. Until I get it back, I'm not having SD, I simply can't afford to feed her without the money you owe me. I have my uni work to do all this week also. I couldn't give a fuck about your work if you're not paying me what is owed. I will not answer any phone calls or the door until my money is posted or transferred'

So now refusing to have her daughter. I will be surprised if she actually sticks to that as her and SD are very close and she will know that not being able to go home will really upset her daughter.

I'm now not sure what to do, DH is adamant he is not paying the money due to her messing him about however, if he doesn't then he will miss another week at work so easier to just pay her.

I think she is bang out of order and taking her anger/frustrations out on her daughter which is unfair. What should I do, if anything, in this situation?

I can't help as I am working shifts this week starting at 11 am.

OP posts:
EmJay19 · 11/04/2022 15:16

YABU

Willyoujustbequiet · 11/04/2022 15:16

Your dh is an absolute arsehole and incredibly controlling.

What is wrong with you that you can't see what a shit father he is. Are you that brainwashed?

The poor mum sounds exasperated. Please dont have children with him op or you will be in her position in a few years.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 11/04/2022 15:17

@constintine

Just spoke to him, he is refusing to speak to her or give her the money so my hands are tied.
Well if you split and he behaves the same towards you, don't complain. You're happy to stay with him as he behaves like this. I'd be ashamed and certainly not defending him if I was with a man like that.
LittleOwl153 · 11/04/2022 15:18

It's the child in all of this I feel sorry for. And she does know of course she does. She knows she's the 'problem' neither of her parents want.

Your dp should find sd a holiday club and get himself off to work. He should work out what the CMS would tell him to pay (honestly I mean - I note he's self employed!) And make sure that is paid each and every month. Because if she came on here the dm would be advised to go to the cms.

Ideally he should pay up the arrears but he cannot sadly be forced. But if he is not planning on doing so before Easter he will need to ensure SD has a good Easter and has some school uniform to go back to school in won't he? And be VERY aware that she is missing her mum.

If he can't afford to live out if season he needs to get another job in that time.

catsanddigs · 11/04/2022 15:18

@WisherWood

We have her 8 nights a month and her mum has her the remaining days/nights.

Or, to put it another way, her mother has her the vast majority of the time.

I'd report them both to social services as it sounds like the child is at risk and then I'd leave him.

Report them to social services for what? 😂 don't be so ridiculous.
Ginger1982 · 11/04/2022 15:19

Poor child. Passed from pillar to post and with a dad who seems to think working to keep her fed and clothed is optional. What a lucky catch you have there OP 🙄

Dancer47 · 11/04/2022 15:22

@constintine

Please not SD doesn't have any idea this is all going on. It's over text.
Oh, the child will know! She will know that she isn't going back to her mother as was planned, that there is a fight going on and that her Dad doesn't want her there either - 100%. What an absolute shower of SHIT.
2Gen · 11/04/2022 15:23

@OatmilkandCookies

I think they're both out of order and they need to act like adults. Your DH absolutely should have made sure his daughter was fed, and shouldn't have sent that angry text, and her mum shouldn't be saying she's not having her. There is a child in the middle of this and they're both acting like huffy teenagers. I feel for you and SD having to put up with them!
THIS! It's abusive to use a child as a stick to beat someone with because the one who gets hurt the most is the child. Your DH needs to pay the maintainance and she needs to mind her own child. She is very, very wrong to do this but he is also very wrong and can put it right by paying what he owes. Does the mother have custody? If so, she is legally obliged to mind her I would have thought! Your DH is equally legally obliged to pay maintainance. They are both morally obligated to her as well. Poor child!
chaosrabbitland · 11/04/2022 15:25

what a bellend you have married. if you do split up with this prized tosser please put a warning sign around his neck so us singletons can avoid like the plague thanks

viques · 11/04/2022 15:25

If your OHs work only happens during certain times of the year then he needs to find other seasonal work that he can do when it dries up. He sounds like a lazy deadbeat . “Genuinely forgetting to feed” yeah, right.

Original poster
constintine · 11/04/2022 15:26

Mum on way to pick up SD so all is well on that front I suppose.

OP posts:
HopeIsNotAStrategy · 11/04/2022 15:28

@constintine

Just spoke to him, he is refusing to speak to her or give her the money so my hands are tied.
LTB.

Seriously.

DropYourSword · 11/04/2022 15:28

@constintine

Mum on way to pick up SD so all is well on that front I suppose.
Oh yeah, totally peachy
QueenCamilla · 11/04/2022 15:29

People like OP should be allowed multiple husbands. They'd pick all the dross off the market so it's safe for me to date

Rainallnight · 11/04/2022 15:30

OP, I hope you’re using excellent contraception.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/04/2022 15:32

Not all well at all.

Are you just going to brush this all under the carpet again?

He owes £400 in child maintenance. That's £400 for his child's food, clothes, shoes etc. But it's OK if he can't be arsed to work?

NoNever · 11/04/2022 15:33

So, not only is your husband the definition of a deadbeat but you & he blame his actions (not feeding his kid, not paying support) on his child’s mother.

Yes, you’re being unreasonable

Guzy · 11/04/2022 15:33

As she is struggling with feeding her child, could you send SD with food home, baked beans, bread, spaghetti hoops etc. This will help the mum to not stress as much as well.

Original poster
constintine · 11/04/2022 15:33

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Not all well at all.

Are you just going to brush this all under the carpet again?

He owes £400 in child maintenance. That's £400 for his child's food, clothes, shoes etc. But it's OK if he can't be arsed to work?

He said he'll pay it but just won't be in a hurry to pay it.
OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 11/04/2022 15:33

@constintine

Mum on way to pick up SD so all is well on that front I suppose.
I hope she's fed at least.
AryaStarkWolf · 11/04/2022 15:35

He said he'll pay it but just won't be in a hurry to pay it.

Maybe his DD could skip lunch and breakfast for a few months while she waits for him to pay

SirVixofVixHall · 11/04/2022 15:35

@Randomness12

Wow, he is not great is he?!

I can see why she is angry, he owes her a fortune. Whether she needs it or not, it is owed and he needs to pay for his daughter as agreed.

His work being seasonal is not her problem, she has to pay to clothe, feed and house SD 22 nights a month compared to your measly 8 - and that’s 12 months of the year, not just the ones he can be bothered to work in.

He needs to get other work in the months he can’t do his normal job to ensure he can keep up with maintenance.

Your anger here is misplaced. Poor SD.

This. And don’t have a baby with him. What a poor show of a father.
ladydimitrescu · 11/04/2022 15:35

Your husband is pathetic. He needs to step the fuck up and get another job if he can't work half the year - it's not acceptable. He's spending months sat on his Arse, has his DD the bare minimum, and doesn't pay for her!!
Absolute waste of space.

custardbear · 11/04/2022 15:36

He's a man child playing shitty games - he's not at liberty to 'pay when he feels like it' he has a child ffs! I'll bet he still gets his needs sorted before paying his child - deadbeat

JustLyra · 11/04/2022 15:36

He said he'll pay it but just won't be in a hurry to pay it.

@constintine So he’s going to punish his daughter because he’s in a mood with her mother?

What a charmer.

She should go through CMS and show him not a second of leeway in future.