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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SD mum is taking her anger out on SD?

495 replies

constintine · 11/04/2022 10:02

I have name changed as this is very outing and I've posted personal stuff from my usual account. I'll try to cut a long story short. My SD is 9 and I have been in her life since she was 2.

We have her 8 nights a month and her mum has her the remaining days/nights. It works out every second weekend and one night during the week every second week. DH and ex get on relatively well but have had their moments.

This weekend was our weekend with SD but SD mum had asked a few months ago if she could take her DD for a day out on the Sunday, DH had said yes that's fine. So SD mum had came to collect SD on Saturday night so they could head off early Sunday and then drop her back here Sunday dinner time.

I was at work on the Saturday but apparently SD mum had asked that SD be fed her dinner for her collecting. DH said time escaped him as she was out on the street playing with other kids and SD mum was not happy that she hadn't had dinner when she collected her.

Yesterday they had their day out and SD was dropped off here at dinner time. The plan was that SD would be dropped off at her mums Monday morning, however, last night SD said her mum had said to get dropped off in the evening on Monday instead. When questioned by DH, this was because she was still upset that she had asked 'several times' to feed SD on Saturday night and he hadn't bothered.

My DH is self employed and had scheduled a full day of work plus workers for today and so he had to cancel. He is fuming. She text late last night and said 'I need a long lie, I'll phone when up and I can come and collect SD' to which DH replied 'don't ask me for any favours again and don't expect the money any time soon'.

Due to DH job he can only work certain months out of the year so he owes SD mum 400 odd pounds in child maintenance. When he said 'don't expect the money any time soon' this really set her off.

We have now received this text from her 'I've been absolutely nothing but decent with you about the money, I've waited months and months and for you to say now you won't give me it. Until I get it back, I'm not having SD, I simply can't afford to feed her without the money you owe me. I have my uni work to do all this week also. I couldn't give a fuck about your work if you're not paying me what is owed. I will not answer any phone calls or the door until my money is posted or transferred'

So now refusing to have her daughter. I will be surprised if she actually sticks to that as her and SD are very close and she will know that not being able to go home will really upset her daughter.

I'm now not sure what to do, DH is adamant he is not paying the money due to her messing him about however, if he doesn't then he will miss another week at work so easier to just pay her.

I think she is bang out of order and taking her anger/frustrations out on her daughter which is unfair. What should I do, if anything, in this situation?

I can't help as I am working shifts this week starting at 11 am.

OP posts:
AnneElliott · 11/04/2022 14:50

The mum sounds like she over reacted about the dinner - but since your H owes her £400 maybe she couldn't afford it!

Your H is in the wrong here. He needs to pay her the money he owes. How does he manage to contribute to your household bills on the months he earns nothing? I bet you don't default on mortgage or rent do you? But you expect the mum to manage without the money he owes her?

This country so needs to clamp down on freeloading losers like your H who fuck off and drop their responsibilities to their children. I'd take away passport, driving licence, all benefits and pensions if child support is owed. It's something the US take seriously and we should take a leaf out of their book.

DrSbaitso · 11/04/2022 14:52

£400 and eight days a month. How do you fuck this up?

chickenpestopanini · 11/04/2022 14:52

If his work is variable then he needs to save money during the months that he can work so he can pay child maintenance on the months that he can't.

Mum and Dad are using dd here but Dad is behaving far worse than mum. His daughter doesn't stop eating in months where he can't work so he needs to either find a job for those months or be the majority carer or something.

I suspect that the dinner thing is a last straw. Your h is a crap dad and his dd deserves better. How can you be ok that your h treats a child like this? It's not your fault that your h is a deadbeat who owes CM but you clearly believe his excuses and think he's justified in his behaviour.

howtomoveforwards · 11/04/2022 14:53

He should have fed his child.

He should not threaten mum with withdrawl of maintenance. Ever.

He should pay maintenance on time, every time. If this is an issue because of self-employment he could agree a lower amount he absolutely pays without fail on, say, the 1st of the month and then agree that the rest will be paid as soon as possible, perhaps?

He should recognise that his ex has shit to do too.

Mum should not use the child to get back at her ex.

BrutusMcDogface · 11/04/2022 14:54

Your husband is an absolute tool. Don’t have any babies with him.

DropYourSword · 11/04/2022 14:55

@constintine

Just spoke to him, he is refusing to speak to her or give her the money so my hands are tied.
They really aren't. You could tell him what a tool he's being.
DoubleGauze · 11/04/2022 14:56

@chickenpestopanini yep. Or find a job that means he can provide properly for his child.

DenholmElliot · 11/04/2022 14:56

Of course he should have fed her. He didn't "forget". He just couldn't be bothered.

And he needs to pay maintenance

And he needs to talk to his ex wife, if they share a child together he can't decide not to speak to her.

Just purely out of interest OP, just to try to gauge what sort of a man he is, when was the last time he brought you some flowers?

Step1234 · 11/04/2022 14:57

You'd think as he hardly sees his dd he would be thrilled at this turn of events. Now he's going to get a taste of what dsds mums life is like, trying to work around a child. I'm a stepmum and i can categorically say your dh is completely out of order. How can you be attracted to someone who shirks his responsibility to his child?

He should be paying maintenance, every month. If he can't do that he needs to organise himself better so that every month he is paying for his daughter.

JenniferPlantain · 11/04/2022 14:59

Try and appeal too his logical side if you can OP - he's reacting out of ego and anger. It's human, but not healthy and where CM is in court could do him real damage.

As righteous as your DH may feel right now, there is a whole opposing other position on the facts of the situation as you have stated them. For the 'heat' to be removed from the situation one party is going to have to be the bigger person and apologise.

He may think not feeding DC wasn't a big deal. It may not be. But for the ex it may be the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back as he's also behind on CM.

My DH and his ex now have a good relationship because my DH has apologised - often through gritted teeth - for things he doesn't believe he did wrong. His ex did. Sometimes I thought my DH was wrong and sometimes I thought the ex was wrong. In all situations there are two opinions, and unless someone acts like an adult friction will continue. That is the reality of co-parenting when separated. Everyone just has to stop power-tripping and be humble and put the child front and centre to all decision-making. Egos/being right/winning are all absolutely pointless. They just continue unnecessarily prolong bad feeling.

But there are some objective facts here.

Objectively: the ex 'leaving' the DC with your DH is absolutely fine. He is the DC's parent and if she can't afford her then that is reasonable. If the presence of DC prevents him working he needs to stop trying to 'win' and needs to accept the reality of his situation: he needs the help of the ex to facilitate him earning or change career.

Objectively: it is shit that your DH is behind on CM. Just because he can't pay it his ex can't press pause on feeding/washing/keeping the DC warm. That cost still exists regardless of whether your DH can afford it. If DC remains with your DH long-term, the ex will have to pay CM minus any owed CM.

Objectively: it is absolute INSANITY that your DH is using the CM that he OWES as a threat to the ex. She has been unbelievably generous not aggressively seeking it.

If he wants a totally f**ked up situation with the ex, then cool: carry on. If he wants a calm, decent relationship with the mother of his child then he needs to say 'I massively overreacted and that wasn't okay. I forgot to feed DC which I didn't think was a big deal but I now understand it was and I'm sorry. I really appreciate your bearing with me on the CM and I hadn't considered how much of an impact that might have on you, but on reflection I get it and I will make it up to you. Please can we draw a line under this and start afresh?' If he can't/won't do that, he's being an absolute loser.

IncompleteSenten · 11/04/2022 15:03

Well then he's just become primary carer for his child.
I assume he won't be asking her mum for maintenance, given he feels it's an optional extra.
I hope he enjoys single parenthood. School runs, paying for everything, juggling everything.

Heronwatcher · 11/04/2022 15:03

Your DH sounds lazy, incompetent and abusive. I would never “just forget” to make dinner! There is no way he should be using the fact that, quite rightly, he has to pay maintenance as a weapon in this situation. You are clearly prepared to enable this for a quiet life. Just don’t have kids with him yourself- then you’ll see what karma looks like. Does he realise that he could end up in court over the unpaid maintenance and then possibly end up paying more and interest?

1forAll74 · 11/04/2022 15:04

A child in the middle of all this wareing between a Farther and his ex, is absolutely horrible. A lot of these types of parents do not realise how this will affect their children long term.

harriethoyle · 11/04/2022 15:06

@JenniferPlantain this is a really excellent post. @constintine you need to read this several times over.

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 11/04/2022 15:06

Uugh, another Dead Beat Dad.

I'm now not sure what to do, DH is adamant he is not paying the money due to her messing him about however, if he doesn't then he will miss another week at work so easier to just pay her

So, he does have the money, he just withholds it as a way to control his Ex. What a Prince among men.

How do you even fancy him, knowing this is what he does?

Be prepared to be utterly shafted if you ever divorce him.

Patchbatch · 11/04/2022 15:07

Just spoke to him, he is refusing to speak to her or give her the money so my hands are tied.

He sounds pathetic to be honest, baffling how anyone could be attracted to that.

WinniesHunny · 11/04/2022 15:08

Fucking vermin.

TheChronicalTales · 11/04/2022 15:11

I hope you don’t plan on having any children with this waste of space

funinthesun19 · 11/04/2022 15:12

“I think you should pay as a gesture of goodwill, then all will be sorted.”
Gesture of goodwill??

Well if the money came from OP then it would in fact be a gesture of goodwill as she has no responsibility or obligation to pay it.

Ridiculous idea though for the op to pay it. He needs to pay it.

thesugarbumfairy · 11/04/2022 15:13

Your DH is a disgrace.

Thehundredthnamechange · 11/04/2022 15:13

Your partner is outrageously unreasonable for refusing to pay her the money he owes her to support his child because he's having a temper tantrum. What a twat. Good for her standing up to him.

HollowedOut · 11/04/2022 15:13

I would be mortified being in a relationship with a man like that. Have you actually sat down with him and told him how unacceptable his behaviour is? Or do you genuinely think he’s the one being hard done by here?

MangshorJhol · 11/04/2022 15:15

Let me put it this way. In a decade of working FT and parenting I have never ‘forgotten’ to feed my kids. Sometimes dinner has been a bit later but if I have my child 8 days out of 30 I would make sure she was fed.

Over and above that, if I don’t pay for my child and my ex partner has been understanding about that, then I really wouldn’t be threatening her with anything.

familyissues12345 · 11/04/2022 15:15

What a dick

Where do men get off behaving like this? My ex was always a shit about maintenance money, he behaved in a manner like he was doing me a favour paying and it was always the first thing to be dropped if money was a bit tight. Shameful

WisherWood · 11/04/2022 15:16

We have her 8 nights a month and her mum has her the remaining days/nights.

Or, to put it another way, her mother has her the vast majority of the time.

I'd report them both to social services as it sounds like the child is at risk and then I'd leave him.