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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move out and leave this mess for poor DP

158 replies

Flumped · 11/04/2022 07:55

OK, bear with me. There's a huge problem currently with lots of flats. If they were built with certain types of material they can't be sold until the material has been replaced (because of Grenfell). In most cases, affected flats can't be rented out either due to mortage/insurance restrictions. This has trapped thousands of people in their flats they scrimped and saved to buy, unable to move for the past few years.

DP is currently one of those affected. I've been living in his very small 1 bed flat with him now for two years. It's in the London commuter belt, in a concrete town with nothing to do, right next to a busy main road - I get woken up by lorries every single morning around 5/6am, and it's made my asthma worse. Since the pandemic we work remotely, but I have to work in our bedroom. So I spend 20 odd hours a day in my room, sleeping and working, Mon-Fri. It now looks like his block of flats won't be fixed for another 2 years. I'm absolutely crawling the walls and can't stay here any more. I'm 35, I've lived and travelled all over the world. I love hiking and cycling but I can't do either of those things here, I'm completely trapped and I can't believe this is my life. He's had to fork out thousands for this flat problem and doesn't want to go on holiday or spend any money in case more bills come. It's an awful situation for him, it's not his fault, and he's a brilliant man and partner, but I can't live like this anymore. I'm not bound by the flat. I'm thinking of just leaving. Is that awful?

OP posts:
Indicatrice · 11/04/2022 07:58

YANBU, it’s unfortunate for him, but he is the owner, not you.

Move out and makemyour own destiny!

Palavah · 11/04/2022 07:59

You could. That might end the relationship.

Where did you live before?

Can you rent somewhere for both of you?

Is yout office totally closed/do you have a friend or neighbour who goes out to work and would lend or rent you their space to work in?

What's stopping you going hiking or cycling at weekends?

berksandbeyond · 11/04/2022 08:01

You’ve posted about this before haven’t you?

It’s a horrible situation regarding the cladding crisis but I don’t understand why you can’t go hiking or cycling at the weekend? Go work in a co working space?

I think it would be pretty shitty to abandon him

Soihaveagoat · 11/04/2022 08:01

Do you have plans to buy your own place?

Thewheelsfalloffthebus · 11/04/2022 08:02

Have you got the means the buy or rent your own place elsewhere? Do it! Your DP and you can be long distance/live separately for awhile.

Indicatrice · 11/04/2022 08:03

OP is not married to this guy, she shouldn’t need to pay for a flat for both of them or live with him out of a misplaced sense of guilt.

Sapphirejane · 11/04/2022 08:03

Have you posted this before? I think most advice was to move back to a house share as you lived in previously. I am not sure what else people can suggest really.

MichelleScarn · 11/04/2022 08:04

So I spend 20 odd hours a day in my room, sleeping and working, Mon-Fri.
What hours are you working/sleeping to only have 4 hours free a day? There's no commute how was this feasible before wfh?

MichelleScarn · 11/04/2022 08:04

So I spend 20 odd hours a day in my room, sleeping and working, Mon-Fri.
What hours are you working/sleeping to only have 4 hours free a day? There's no commute how was this feasible before wfh?

Reluctantadult · 11/04/2022 08:04

Rent your own place somewhere else that he can stay at weekends?

GeneLovesJezebel · 11/04/2022 08:05

Leave and get your own place, he can live with you if you want that.

SallyMcNally · 11/04/2022 08:07

Yeah I would move out. It's not your fault. Go somewhere easily commutable from his but more central and fun. Then you can both spend time at each other's and if the relationship is strong it will survive.

pictish · 11/04/2022 08:07

@GeneLovesJezebel

Leave and get your own place, he can live with you if you want that.
Agree. I don’t think you’re obliged to live somewhere you hate for the sake of the relationship.
Amelion · 11/04/2022 08:08

Can you afford your own place? I don’t think you’d be unreasonable to move out. You’d just need to handle it very delicately for the relationship to not be negatively impacted.

LoveSpringDaffs · 11/04/2022 08:10

What was wrong with your previous thread?

Robin843 · 11/04/2022 08:13

This sounds very familiar. Did you post an identical thread a while ago?

SleepingStandingUp · 11/04/2022 08:16

You can end a relationship for any reason.

However, if you want the relationship to work, and can afford to rent a place alone, would he come with you? Lock the flat up, he keeps paying the mortgage there, you pay the rent at yours, you split bills and food. You go on holiday with yourself or your friends. Go back to your hobbies etc.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/04/2022 08:18

First of all I feel your pain. This building safety scandal is making life a misery for hundreds of thousands of people and is an absolute disgrace that leaseholders can be made to pay.

My strong advice, speak to a good mortgage advisor about getting a the mortgage changed to buy to let. There are companies out there doing them but they need searching out.

Then rent the flat out and rent elsewhere until the remediation work is done. Hopefully He won’t have to pay any more (bill going through parliament right now).

Original poster
Flumped · 11/04/2022 08:20

I would probably have to go back to a houseshare, away from London.

If I left it would probably be the end of the relationship, yes. DP would be pretty upset. It's not his fault at all, he's so stressed about the whole situation. Me leaving would be terrible. His family would be very unimpressed with me too. As I've already explained, we can't rent the flat out and move - and we can't afford to run two properties! There are lots of fees and things that come with this flat too. It's also taken my decision whether to have a family or not out of my hands, which is pretty gutting, it's too late now.

OP posts:
Nennypops · 11/04/2022 08:22

Why can't you go hiking or cycling? When I lived in an inner city flat I used to hop on a train at weekends and do both.

Original poster
Flumped · 11/04/2022 08:23

Just to hit home the point again

It is not possible to rent out the flat

Mortgage lenders won't offer a buy to let mortgage on any flats in the building because it'a f**ked, it's a fire risk.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 11/04/2022 08:23

I dont think these properties can be rented out legally. You would need to get professional advice.

purplesugilite · 11/04/2022 08:24

YANBU Get out now. This kind of resentment will never work out. It's not really either of your fault but you don't need to pick up the pieces. If you were younger maybe you could stick it out but there's a lot to lose by waiting and waiting.

knittingaddict · 11/04/2022 08:24

I remember you posting before too. Can't remember the responses you got, but I can guarantee that they will be the same. Nothing to be gained from another try. Is there a response that you didn't get last time and think will be forthcoming now?

BarbaraofSeville · 11/04/2022 08:25

It's an awful situation but this is at least the third time you've posted about this over the past few months that I've noticed and what you never seem to be able to explain is why there's two of you in professional jobs with no commuting costs paying the mortgage on a very small flat in a not expensive area (because there's nothing nearby and the location isn't great, plus your DP qualified for it on his own so it's not like it's mortgaged on the basis of two incomes) and you can't afford to do what @SleepingStandingUp suggests and rent somewhere bigger somewhere else so you get your life back, or pay around £200 pm for a coworking space so you can get out of the flat each day.

You'll get loads of similar replies to your previous threads that will continue to tell you that YANBU and offer solutions, so this time are you going to act on them one way or another Smile.