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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move out and leave this mess for poor DP

158 replies

Flumped · 11/04/2022 07:55

OK, bear with me. There's a huge problem currently with lots of flats. If they were built with certain types of material they can't be sold until the material has been replaced (because of Grenfell). In most cases, affected flats can't be rented out either due to mortage/insurance restrictions. This has trapped thousands of people in their flats they scrimped and saved to buy, unable to move for the past few years.

DP is currently one of those affected. I've been living in his very small 1 bed flat with him now for two years. It's in the London commuter belt, in a concrete town with nothing to do, right next to a busy main road - I get woken up by lorries every single morning around 5/6am, and it's made my asthma worse. Since the pandemic we work remotely, but I have to work in our bedroom. So I spend 20 odd hours a day in my room, sleeping and working, Mon-Fri. It now looks like his block of flats won't be fixed for another 2 years. I'm absolutely crawling the walls and can't stay here any more. I'm 35, I've lived and travelled all over the world. I love hiking and cycling but I can't do either of those things here, I'm completely trapped and I can't believe this is my life. He's had to fork out thousands for this flat problem and doesn't want to go on holiday or spend any money in case more bills come. It's an awful situation for him, it's not his fault, and he's a brilliant man and partner, but I can't live like this anymore. I'm not bound by the flat. I'm thinking of just leaving. Is that awful?

OP posts:
violetbunny · 11/04/2022 08:29

YANBU to want to leave in this situation, but I also agree with the other posters - you've posted about this situation more than once, I'm not sure what you're hoping will be gained by posting about it again?

Silverclocks · 11/04/2022 08:29

I'm sure it's a horrible situation, which is making yiu exaggerqte some aspects, but yiu can't be trapped in the room 20 hours a day. Surely if you're WFH, you're finished by 6pm at the latest. Loads of time to go out and do something. Also before work with no commute.

Loads of people live in urban areas but can still get out to cycle or hike at the weekends.

Would a houseshare without him really be preferable? If so, this is about your relationship, not the flat IMO.

mycatisannoying · 11/04/2022 08:32

Be honest with yourself. Do you want to be in this relationship?
I'm not sure why living apart would force you not to be together.
I feel so sorry for your partner, but you can't carry on living somewhere where your health is negatively impacted, nor could he expect you to.
But if you both want to make it work, you will.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/04/2022 08:33

@Flumped

Just to hit home the point again

It is not possible to rent out the flat

Mortgage lenders won't offer a buy to let mortgage on any flats in the building because it'a f**ked, it's a fire risk.

OP that is simply not true. About 20 flats in my block have done exactly this. A few lenders are definitely offering it and the RICs advice changed again (last week?). Have you even tried recently? Honestly, get yourself some proper, up to date, mortgage advice from a shit hot broker. It IS possible!

You sound utterly defeated and I'm not surprised because it's a shit situation, trust me, I KNOW! But it is do-able.

ButtockUp · 11/04/2022 08:35

Why can't you go hiking or cycling?

TBH, it sounds like you want this situation to end anyway.

Just leave.

arethereanyleftatall · 11/04/2022 08:36

You could always do what you've been told every time anyone has wasted time responding to your threads. Move. Or don't. And post, once again, in a few months.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/04/2022 08:36

I also agree that you seem determined to make the most of it. Why don't you get out after work? Or before work? Or at lunchtime? Weekends?

Or think about a co-working space (I suggested that last time)

Original poster
Flumped · 11/04/2022 08:39

We're in an odd area for transport links. Truth be told, I have few friends in London now who don't have kids and want to hike. I don't feel safe walking out in the countryside alone.

Happy to cycle alone anywhere but the logistics of getting out places is a nightmare. Where we live has a limited train service at weekends and its usually rammed. Getting a bike on is impossible.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 11/04/2022 08:39

Uh? Grow up and rent your own place then, surely?

grapewines · 11/04/2022 08:39

Just leave. It's what you want.

DrSbaitso · 11/04/2022 08:39

You've posted about this before, haven't you?

There IS a way out. You had neighbours who sold for peanuts to a developer. It's unfortunate but they're now out of there. It cost them money, but I think this is one of those situations where you can't afford NOT to do it. It's killing you.

Or, as you say, you can leave. You're miserable. You don't need to sacrifice yourself to prove anything.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 11/04/2022 08:40

Leave.
You owe him nothing.

BarbaraofSeville · 11/04/2022 08:41

@BitOutOfPractice

I also agree that you seem determined to make the most of it. Why don't you get out after work? Or before work? Or at lunchtime? Weekends?

Or think about a co-working space (I suggested that last time)

All of this. Why can't you go out in the evenings? Lunchtime walks? Early morning runs or cycles? Fake commutes? Weekend trips somewhere further afield? Do all that free and cheap stuff that people always say is perpetually available in London all for the cost of a travelcard that takes you all over the city.

I WFH and the absolute thing I make sure I do is go for a proper long hike on a Saturday. I also walk a relative's dog on a Sunday and try to go for lunchtime walks in the week. Or DP and I go for bike rides in the evening now that it's light for longer.

Horriblewoman · 11/04/2022 08:42

sound incredibly defeatist (not able to have children now, trapped in a room for 20 hours a day). Can you reframe it (

Silverclocks · 11/04/2022 08:43

@Flumped

We're in an odd area for transport links. Truth be told, I have few friends in London now who don't have kids and want to hike. I don't feel safe walking out in the countryside alone.

Happy to cycle alone anywhere but the logistics of getting out places is a nightmare. Where we live has a limited train service at weekends and its usually rammed. Getting a bike on is impossible.

There are hiking groups everywhere. I belong to three different ones and I'm really not in hiking country. Also a cycle club. Cycling and hiking must be some of the easiest ways there are to meet people and make friends.

I think you want to leave and are looking for a reason you "have" to leave.

arethereanyleftatall · 11/04/2022 08:43

@Flumped

We're in an odd area for transport links. Truth be told, I have few friends in London now who don't have kids and want to hike. I don't feel safe walking out in the countryside alone.

Happy to cycle alone anywhere but the logistics of getting out places is a nightmare. Where we live has a limited train service at weekends and its usually rammed. Getting a bike on is impossible.

The thing with bikes is, they are transport. Some would argue that's even the point of them.
Horriblewoman · 11/04/2022 08:45

Posted before I finished!

E.g if you want children with your partner sharing a room for a year isn't awful.

There must be places to walk and cycle adjacent to your town. In fact you can use cycling as an excuse to get out.

Even if it is quite concretey going for a walk after run is better than sitting in a room for 20 hours.

Will a house share with strangers be better?

BarbaraofSeville · 11/04/2022 08:47

I don't feel safe walking out in the countryside alone

Go somewhere where there's other people around and it's perfectly safe in the daytime at the weekend.

I'd be astonished if there's a place within easy access of London for day hiking that's so remote that you wouldn't be found quickly if you had an accident or is so quiet that you're at risk of attack by a random stranger.

It's not to say that these things don't happen of course, but if you're sensible, the chance is extremely rare so not a rational reason to avoid going out and doing the things you want to do.

Silverclocks · 11/04/2022 08:48

Also your partner can't/won't ever hike with you?

Underfrighter · 11/04/2022 08:48

I think asthma and mental health are legitimate reasons to leave. Are they not replacing the cladding?

zafferana · 11/04/2022 08:48

I'm sure you've posted about this before OP and we all told you to get out then too. FGS leave! You want to, you're stuck, your relationship is stressful and there is no end in sight to this situation, which could drag on for the rest of your fertile years. It sounds like a horrible area to live too, so it's not even like you're living in a great area in a shit building, it's all shit. Go and give yourself better health and a chance to meet someone new who isn't stuck in this awful limbo. Your DP's flat doesn't have to ruin your life, but staying with him just might.

RewildingAmbridge · 11/04/2022 08:58

Surely if you want a baby have one, even if you conceive straight away it'll be ten/eleven months until you have a baby, have them in depth you for the first year, then you'll be able to sell the flat shortly after then anyway?
Or take the financial hit and sell to a developer

Grenlei · 11/04/2022 08:58

Not all jobs can be conducted from a co working space - I work in the financial/ insurance sector and due to the nature of our work we're expressly forbidden from working anywhere like this. Even in our own homes we have to have a secure workspace separate from other family members.

WRT renting the property out, I'm sure like everything there are SOME flats in blocks like this that can be moved over to a BTL mortgage and rented out, but equally there will be others that can't. Even if you approach the same lender!

OP, it's a horrible situation to be in and for there to be no easy or immediate way forward. I don't think it can be good for anyone's mental health to be stuck in 4 walls all day every day - I've worked from home for over 2 years now, I'm lucky that I have a big house with a separate workspace that I can close off at weekends, a lovely garden and even so I go through periods of feeling very isolated, sad and hating my house. I can only imagine how much worse that would be if I was sat in the same room all day, then sleeping there at night.

If working outside the home isn't possible, and neither is renting out the flat, is there any way that you could afford to keep paying the mortgage but both move to a different, cheaper area and rent there? (if you're not tied to living locally). I don't know what you're paying now but where I live in Greater London a 2 bed house or flat is £1100 per month, my partner is 3 hours away but pays less than £600 for a property of that size (in a beautiful area with lots of hiking and cycling opportunities nearby).

I think if that's not possible then you may have to move out, and pout yourself first. Live somewhere you feel comfortable, and where you can do the activities you want to. We only get one life.

Teacupsandtoast · 11/04/2022 08:59

You're safer walking alone in the countryside than you are in a town. Stop being so defeatist about everything. You are choosing to confine yourself to this flat

DrSbaitso · 11/04/2022 09:02

Do you need permission from someone to free yourself, OP?

I give you that permission. You don't have to sacrifice yourself on the altar of this shitty flat to prove anything to anyone or to be a good human.