To move out and leave this mess for poor DP

[Flumped]

OK, bear with me. There's a huge problem currently with lots of flats. If they were built with certain types of material they can't be sold until the material has been replaced (because of Grenfell). In most cases, affected flats can't be rented out either due to mortage/insurance restrictions. This has trapped thousands of people in their flats they scrimped and saved to buy, unable to move for the past few years.

DP is currently one of those affected. I've been living in his very small 1 bed flat with him now for two years. It's in the London commuter belt, in a concrete town with nothing to do, right next to a busy main road - I get woken up by lorries every single morning around 5/6am, and it's made my asthma worse. Since the pandemic we work remotely, but I have to work in our bedroom. So I spend 20 odd hours a day in my room, sleeping and working, Mon-Fri. It now looks like his block of flats won't be fixed for another 2 years. I'm absolutely crawling the walls and can't stay here any more. I'm 35, I've lived and travelled all over the world. I love hiking and cycling but I can't do either of those things here, I'm completely trapped and I can't believe this is my life. He's had to fork out thousands for this flat problem and doesn't want to go on holiday or spend any money in case more bills come. It's an awful situation for him, it's not his fault, and he's a brilliant man and partner, but I can't live like this anymore. I'm not bound by the flat. I'm thinking of just leaving. Is that awful?

@Flumped

I would probably have to go back to a houseshare, away from London.

If I left it would probably be the end of the relationship, yes. DP would be pretty upset. It's not his fault at all, he's so stressed about the whole situation. Me leaving would be terrible. His family would be very unimpressed with me too. As I've already explained, we can't rent the flat out and move - and we can't afford to run two properties! There are lots of fees and things that come with this flat too. It's also taken my decision whether to have a family or not out of my hands, which is pretty gutting, it's too late now.

I had my 3rd child at 36yo and my 4th child at 38yo. You definitely have time to have kids if you want them.

Plus long distance relationship work if you want them to work.
I moved in with my boyfriend after university for a couple of years and moved 250 miles away for work whilst still seeing each other. We eventually married and had four kids together. Once we decided which town to live together in again!

Is it the flat, relationship or both?

I remember your previous post.
How much is the mortgage payment? How much is left on the mortgage?
Will it be sorted out in 2 years?
Moving out so you have space isn't a bad idea. Do you want/expect tye relationship to end?

Also OP would need to bear in mind that if she did walk away from the whole situation and her partner's housing woes were then solved, she couldn't expect to walk back into the relationship and an improved housing set-up now that times were good again.

Didn't you post this last week?

@Kennykenkencat

DiscoStusMoonboots

Why do you stay. Why not just sell and move on.

@Kennykenkencat Because it's almost impossible to sell without the bit of paper (EWS1) that says the building is safe. The only route is cash buyers at auction, which would wipe out any equity I have in the flat and leave me in more debt than the remediation costs would.

Believe me, if I could viably sell, I would.

@DiscoStusMoonboots

Sound advice here - *@BitOutOfPractice*, if you wouldn't mind sharing/DMing me your rental links, I'd be very grateful.

Sorry @DiscoStusMoonboots, what quotes?

@Mamabananananana

Isnt there a move by the government to make the builders pay this not the owners? Would that give you both a bot of hope?

Sort of. But not all flats. And not all fire safety issues that aren't cladding. And it is moving at glacial pace anyway.

They've made lots of announcements. Not got anything through parliament yet as they keep hedging every promise around with a million caveats. It's been going on for years and is nowhere near resolved. Many buildings haven't even be surveyed yet and there is a massive shortage of contractors to tender for the work, let alone do it. This government is letting down leaseholders badly but doesn't seem to want to make developers pay for everything in full. It's an appalling state of affairs!

Find a new job, back to working in an office instead of at home.

I work full time in backbreaking manual job and unlike you have children, but still make time for my outdoor sports hobby. Every town has a green space of some kind and most have cycle paths.

why cant you both get a room elsewhere?

if you work from home yes its not ideal but for 2 years in a better location?

Ultimately you're not happy. Leave the flat, it doesn't necessarily mean leave the boyfriend.

But you posted similar a month or so ago and no suggestions were taken up - not a criticism, just noting that - it feels like your living situation is making you depressed which in turn is making you feel like any change other than just getting out would be completely futile.

This is so hard but I think you have to leave actually. You mentioned not having a family because of the living situation. You can plan for the future. It's absolutely shit for both of you, I really feel for your DP.
If you stay you may find that your unhappiness ends the relationship within 2 years anyway. Working in a bedroom is unhealthy. I think I would put it to him that it's either stay and watch the relationship deteriorate or leave and give it a go with some space.

If he rreally is 'a brilliant man and partner' and you are 35 and wanting a family I'd really think twice about ditching him, to be single in a room in a shared house.

I'd be thinking 'right how do we get through this difficult and temporary sitaution together so we get get to the life we want.'

If he is a brilliant man and partner though, I'd suggest to him he can do better if he wants long term commitment than a women who dumps him when the going gets tough, and that there are lots of women out there dying to meet a brilliant man who wants to commit and to have a family.

But all the above advice is based on him being brilliant.

Although even a good man who is commited to you and wants a family is worth sticking with if you're a 35 year old women who wants a family tbh.

Enough with the “it’s too late now to have kids” self pitying nonsense. How can that remotely be true?

At this stage you need to tell you dp that it time for you both to make a plan to get out of this apartment. He needs to contact his lender and see what the up to date situation is with this apt if he was to let or sell it. He may have to sell it to a developer and lose some money on it.
At the moment he is paying a mortgage, ground rent ect. He probably has spent money on it and is waiting for the next bill to come in. He won't go anywhere or do anything because he needs to keep his money for this apartment.

Ask him where does he want to be in say the next 2 years? I say to him that you were hoping to try for a family with him but that you can't wait indefinitely for this because your now 35.
If he just says nothing can be done and is not willing to make any effort I would just move into a shared house. It gives you some where nicer to live and wfh and spend your money doing what you like.
I would not be spending my money on his apartment nor would I let this situation continue on for much longer.

Is this you bailing on the situation or does it reflect a level of incompatibility between you and your partner?

Basically, if you can afford to move out to a houseshare there’s nothing stopping him joining you, even if that means leaving the flat empty. Would he consider this? If not why not?

If you are desperate to have kids there’s nothing stopping you. You can raise a baby in a one bed flat. If the issue will be fixed in two years or so you’ll be out of there before you have a toddler. Is your partner on same page?

If you want to fill your weekends with outdoor activities there’s nothing stopping you. There’s hiking groups to join, you can buy a folding bike to take on the train. Is this what your partner wants to do with his leisure time?

Leave him, look seriously into meeting someone new, be upfront about kids etc and don't waste time in idiots.

Move out and stay together, look for house shares where you could have a baby and live between homes.

Move out, break up and look at donor sperm and doing it alone

Stay knowing it'll only be a few years and have a baby now.

Look for a j different job where you aren't working 12 hour days in your room.

All options, all under your control

The only route is cash buyers at auction, which would wipe out any equity I have in the flat and leave me in more debt than the remediation costs would.
This is assuming that several years of happy living situation have no intrinsic value.
Say you have £50k equity, sell for -£80k, the remediation would have been -£40k. The decision to move would have you in £30k of debt instead of £10k equity; so you have a new debt of say £350/month. You're also free to live wherever you like, buy a new home with no issues, feel the relief of knowing for sure how much you've lost instead of fretting for years about how much the costs will go up by and simply you can just move on with your life instead of being on hold for 2-5 years; is that worth £40k? Your call, because it's your life and your happiness being affected. It's not unusual in many life situations to write off assets and take on debts, we do it all the time in fact, this is just a larger one than you're used to. You may still decide that it isn't worth it to you when you assess the final figures, but it's worth writing down the actual financial situation and level of stress it's causing you to be sure of your decision. If it is, then at least you know you've decided to stay because that's your choice and you are happy with it.

I'm not sure how much the extra service charge is eating up their disposable income. Ours was and extra £300 a month when we had waking watch and is still double what it used to be because of insurance costs.

I do have loads of sympathy OP. I know it's a horrible situation. However I also think you might be depressed and should see your GP.

Unless you have medical circumstances etc you are not too old to have a family at 35.

I think you need to decide what you want most e.g. a family with or without current partner, to move out, to live elsewhere for a more outdoor lifestyle, a work out of home job - and go for it. You are not happy and the clock (on your life as a young adult not particularly fertility) is ticking.

I remember your previous post also. You seem to think you have little choice about living/working in one room etc. I think this is because you feel low. There are literally millions of jobs and places to live out there. You and your partner could even apply for work that comes with accommodation and he could pay for the flat from there. But if I remember rightly he is kind of happy as he is?

We are in the same situation OP. It's awful and stressful. We lived above the mainline into kings cross in it during lockdown - trains all day, rail works all night, no escape, the constant threat of bankruptcy.

You do have a right to request to rent out your flat so I'm not sure what's stopping you? We managed to. You have to pay tax on the income so it may be unaffordable but if you're considering a house share and working remotely then it sounds to me that it's feasible for you both to move somewhere cheaper with more space like we did. We have no savings and no spare cash but we're not on the verge of a breakdown any more.

Still, if you don't love him enough to help him through one of the most stressful times of his life due to utter failure from the Tory government then you're probably not considering being with him long term?

Could you together afford to rent something else and abandon the flat for 2 years? I guess it depends how much you want to be with DP. If you're serious about your relationship (i.e. marriage and babies) you need to figure it out together because it's both your problem. If you take the view it's his problem, then, quite frankly, move on and abandon him to his fate.

I asked on your last thread @Flumped but how on Earth did you come to this living arrangement to begin with? I assume it was pre Covid and there was a plan to pool resources and buy somewhere together? (Pre cladding issues)

Two years isn't that long if you want a future with your DP. You were given many practical suggestions on the other thread about how you could cope with the current living situation, you seemed to have a reason why none of them were feasible

It sounds so awful I I wonder why you moved into his flat to begin with

As others said you posted about this before

And I replied on them

Find somewhere else to work so not always in the flat

Look at other places to live, maybe a room share fir two years while flat sells

Do you love dp? Assume so or wouldn’t have moved it originally

This can be sorted if you want it do

ttc - how old are you

Even if get preg ASAP then 9mths preg bsby can sleep in room with you for a year

Them sell and move

You can get consent to let from your mortgage provider then rent it out and rent another property in the meantime until you can sell it

We live in a 3 bed house and both WFH

Some days i feel like leaving too. We are on top of each other 7 days a week and it's suffocating

I live in the countryside so its easy to get out for a walk

So, I totally understand how you feel. A flat must be so claustrophobic

I think you need to make a
Change for your mental health. Move out and see each other at weekends. If house share os the only option then do it