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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move out and leave this mess for poor DP

158 replies

Flumped · 11/04/2022 07:55

OK, bear with me. There's a huge problem currently with lots of flats. If they were built with certain types of material they can't be sold until the material has been replaced (because of Grenfell). In most cases, affected flats can't be rented out either due to mortage/insurance restrictions. This has trapped thousands of people in their flats they scrimped and saved to buy, unable to move for the past few years.

DP is currently one of those affected. I've been living in his very small 1 bed flat with him now for two years. It's in the London commuter belt, in a concrete town with nothing to do, right next to a busy main road - I get woken up by lorries every single morning around 5/6am, and it's made my asthma worse. Since the pandemic we work remotely, but I have to work in our bedroom. So I spend 20 odd hours a day in my room, sleeping and working, Mon-Fri. It now looks like his block of flats won't be fixed for another 2 years. I'm absolutely crawling the walls and can't stay here any more. I'm 35, I've lived and travelled all over the world. I love hiking and cycling but I can't do either of those things here, I'm completely trapped and I can't believe this is my life. He's had to fork out thousands for this flat problem and doesn't want to go on holiday or spend any money in case more bills come. It's an awful situation for him, it's not his fault, and he's a brilliant man and partner, but I can't live like this anymore. I'm not bound by the flat. I'm thinking of just leaving. Is that awful?

OP posts:
mumwon · 11/04/2022 10:39

a lot of housing associations who have flats caught up in this have stated they will agree to changing flats to rentals even when they previously were not - could you talk to a mortgage advisor to see if they can find an alternative rental mortgage insurance etc?

DiscoStusMoonboots · 11/04/2022 10:41

I'm currently stuck in the same situation, and all I can advise is that few can begin to imagine the stress, depression and devastation that is tied to this crisis.

I understand you wanting to leave the property, but this could have a serious impact on your relationship at a time when your partner really needs you.

FWIW, I'm in your partner's shoes. I bought the flat long before I met my (very new) husband. I understand the temptation to leave, but if he did, that would be it for me. The Building Safety Crisis is all-encompassing and I couldn't have navigated this without his support - I appreciate that might be selfish of me, but it's honest.

Apologies if this is a bit one-sided, just my thoughts with quite a vested interest in the topic!

mumwon · 11/04/2022 10:41

(& this includes shared ownerships who have stated that they will allow rental if selling is impossible)

DiscoStusMoonboots · 11/04/2022 10:42

Sound advice here - @BitOutOfPractice, if you wouldn't mind sharing/DMing me your rental links, I'd be very grateful.

Kennykenkencat · 11/04/2022 10:44

@WeAreTheHeroes

If you love him and want the relationship to continue them you need to find a way to fix things as a team. Can you get a bank loan to pay whatever the costs are to resolve the cladding issues? Interest rates are currently pretty low. Have these cladding issues even been resolved for the building and do you know what the costs are for your boyfriend? Has he spoken to the mortgage company about possible solutions?

You've posted about this before. Either you find a solution together or you leave if you cannot bear it any longer.

No one knows the cost of the cladding issue or what needs paying for. In the meantime the costs associated with theses flats are extortionate Waiting around if the monthly amount were reasonable wouldn’t be so bad but trying to save for an unknown cost whilst paying ever increasing charges is going to just get worse.

If people knew what the total cost was then even if you couldn’t afford it at least you would know what you were dealing with
It’s the not knowing that is the worst

Kennykenkencat · 11/04/2022 10:47

DiscoStusMoonboots

Why do you stay. Why not just sell and move on.

Doggirl · 11/04/2022 10:48

I don't feel safe walking out in the countryside alone.

Um, you've "lived and worked all over the world", are an experienced cyclist and hiker, yet you're going to come to a horrible demise in one of the safest countries in the world?

I think you know that thatalong with having to stay in your room 20 hours a day and apparently being unable to leave the flat even for weekends and holidaysis nonsense.

I'm assuming you're paying nothing towards living costs except a share of the utilities and food. With no dependents, you could drive or take a train every weekend to somewhere nicer. Take your partner with you--he almost certainly doesn't want to be sitting staring at the walls either. A basic campsite wouldn't break the bank. (Depending where you can get to, legal wild camping or bothying costs nothing.)

CaliforniaDrumming · 11/04/2022 10:48

I remember your previous post. I think you should leave. If your DP dumps you, you know it wasn't the greatest relationship.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 11/04/2022 10:51

can you change jobs so you get out of the flat?

AryaStarkWolf · 11/04/2022 10:54

Shitty situation OP for both of you. You know yourself what you can and can't handle and if you need to leave you don't need anyone's permission or blessing. It doesn't really matter what other people would do in your situation, they're not you.

doublemonkey · 11/04/2022 10:55

Absolutely move out. Your health and mental well-being come first and living there is not doing either any good.

ElenaSt · 11/04/2022 10:58

You cold stay and the relationship may fail at some point down the line especially as you already have cabin fever.

Get out and move on.

MargosKaftan · 11/04/2022 11:05

Your problem is DP. Its his flat. He could: try to get a new mortgage that allows renting it out (it is possible now so either hes lying to you or hasn't bothered checking for a while) and then you both rent somewhere together in a hope it'll be sorted and you can then sell the flat to release some equity to buy your own place.

He could sell it to a developer- losing some money but then at least you have a fresh start.

He could acknowledge this doesn't work for you and try to make a long distance relationship work.

You are limited in your options because really they are his options, not yours.

TracyMosby · 11/04/2022 11:06

Stop wasting time. You havent got much time left. Youre running out of options. Just leave.

NoSquirrels · 11/04/2022 11:10

@MargosKaftan

Your problem is DP. Its his flat. He could: try to get a new mortgage that allows renting it out (it is possible now so either hes lying to you or hasn't bothered checking for a while) and then you both rent somewhere together in a hope it'll be sorted and you can then sell the flat to release some equity to buy your own place.

He could sell it to a developer- losing some money but then at least you have a fresh start.

He could acknowledge this doesn't work for you and try to make a long distance relationship work.

You are limited in your options because really they are his options, not yours.

I agree with this.

If you leave, it will be because together you have not come to a mutually agreeable solution.

He needs to explore ALL the options if he values your relationship over his property.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 11/04/2022 11:15

It's also taken my decision whether to have a family or not out of my hands, which is pretty gutting, it's too late now.

Nonsense. You are responsible for your own life - you can change jobs, move to a different city, rent workspace in the same town, rent accommodation in the same town, have a child while living where you are, have 3 children by the time you are 40. Nothing has been taken from you and nothing will be taken from you if you accept that you are responsible for your own choices, and for supporting yourself. It sort of feels as if his role in the relationship is to provide a suitable home for you to have kids in, and you are a bystander with no agency to get the life you want if someone doesn't hand it to you.

Kennykenkencat · 11/04/2022 11:15

@CaliforniaDrumming

I remember your previous post. I think you should leave. If your DP dumps you, you know it wasn't the greatest relationship.
I think they should both leave. Stick the flat in the next auction and walk away together to build a life together

I wouldn’t be so dismissive that the Dp didn’t want to go out because he is weighed down by the stress of this flat

CaliforniaDrumming · 11/04/2022 11:18

Perhaps, but if the OP is this unhappy, her relationship will break down anyway. You dont need to live with someone to have a relationship.

Ohjustboreoff · 11/04/2022 11:23

Sorry @Flumped I haven't RTWT but I had a flat that I couldn't sell as I was in massive negative equity and I didn't have enough deposit for a BTL mortgage. My bank gave me written permission to rent the flat out for 2 years as I needed to relocate for work. Has your DP contacted the bank and asked the question?

prsphne · 11/04/2022 11:26

I’m in a similar position, if you can afford it you can let the property - we have a consent to let on our residential mortgage because we can’t remortgage.

HOWEVER, it is still a net cost to us. The rent concerns the mortgage and the ‘normal’ service charge. Anything above that - so the thousands we spend on remedial work each year - comes out of our pocket and isn’t covered by the rent, so it is an additional expense. But if you could get enough rent to cover your rent on a different property then it would work… but that may be tricky if you want a bigger place.

I have every sympathy with your position, but I’m not sure a house share solves the problem (it’s 20 hours in a different room?)… but if it would help your mental health then do it.

It’s an awful situation and I entirely understand extricating yourself from it if you can’t cope.

Ccharlotte · 11/04/2022 11:27

I mean you can leave but I think you posted before that you couldn't afford £20 a day or something for a co-working space...I think spending that for 3-5 days a week would be more affordable than renting an entire flat. And get away at weekends, you can go without him/treat him.

alltheteeshirts · 11/04/2022 11:43

From what I've pieced together, you both lived independently before - him in his flat, and you in a rented houseshare. So, you can afford to live separately, or to leave the flat, and live together somewhere else.

Is it more expensive running two households? Well, yes. But that doesn't mean you can't afford it, and living in this particular household is making you miserable.

I get it - the flat is in an awkward location, so you can't easily travel to socialise, and the location is causing your asthma to flare up, so you don't necessarily feel able to travel to socialise as you can't breathe properly, and what you enjoy is outdoorsy activities where breathing is a bit of a requirement. And because you spend so much time indoors, you feel cooped up.

It might feel like a houseshare is a downgrade, but actually, if you gets you to a location with better air quality and where you can more easily get to activities, it might be an upgrade.

As the location of DP's flat is awkward, I get that moving would make a long distance relationship difficult, so I think really you need a solution where he moves with you (assuming you want the relationship to continue).

If you can get consent to let out the flat - ideal. If not, I think the cost of maintaining the flat whilst not living in it is just a cost you'll both have to shoulder for the sake of your relationship.

Mamabananananana · 11/04/2022 11:54

Isnt there a move by the government to make the builders pay this not the owners? Would that give you both a bot of hope?

Calmdown14 · 11/04/2022 11:55

I can understand how you feel.

If you are permanently working from home and like the outdoors, have you considered a major lifestyle change? Going into a house share doesn't feel like it would achieve this.

I live on the east coast of Scotland where you can still buy a flat for well under £100k.

What if you moved somewhere cheaper and he splits his time? Presumably you could get on the property market if it wasn't in London, which doesn't seem to suit the way you want to live anyway.

Doggirl · 11/04/2022 11:58

I think you posted before that you couldn't afford £20 a day or something for a co-working space...I think spending that for 3-5 days a week would be more affordable than renting an entire flat.

I am perhaps being very unfair here, but OP seems to be taking for granted that she should have minimal housing/working costs while not liking very much the implications of that (ie a slightly crap living situation).