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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To move out and leave this mess for poor DP

158 replies

Flumped · 11/04/2022 07:55

OK, bear with me. There's a huge problem currently with lots of flats. If they were built with certain types of material they can't be sold until the material has been replaced (because of Grenfell). In most cases, affected flats can't be rented out either due to mortage/insurance restrictions. This has trapped thousands of people in their flats they scrimped and saved to buy, unable to move for the past few years.

DP is currently one of those affected. I've been living in his very small 1 bed flat with him now for two years. It's in the London commuter belt, in a concrete town with nothing to do, right next to a busy main road - I get woken up by lorries every single morning around 5/6am, and it's made my asthma worse. Since the pandemic we work remotely, but I have to work in our bedroom. So I spend 20 odd hours a day in my room, sleeping and working, Mon-Fri. It now looks like his block of flats won't be fixed for another 2 years. I'm absolutely crawling the walls and can't stay here any more. I'm 35, I've lived and travelled all over the world. I love hiking and cycling but I can't do either of those things here, I'm completely trapped and I can't believe this is my life. He's had to fork out thousands for this flat problem and doesn't want to go on holiday or spend any money in case more bills come. It's an awful situation for him, it's not his fault, and he's a brilliant man and partner, but I can't live like this anymore. I'm not bound by the flat. I'm thinking of just leaving. Is that awful?

OP posts:

Silverclocks · 11/04/2022 09:03

Could you not go back to the office?

I'm finding, among my friends, that there a lot who are really struggling WFH, but they're still reluctant to go back because of the cost and time, but these things are choice

Datada · 11/04/2022 09:05

I think you need to leave. You said you are crawling the walls. Get out for daily walks in the the park, even for 20 mins. You need to prioritize your mental health.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/04/2022 09:05

@Underfrighter

I think asthma and mental health are legitimate reasons to leave. Are they not replacing the cladding?

They might do. They might not. If they do it can take years and years to go through the process (four years+ in my case) and cost the leaseholder (the OP's DP in this case) tens of thousands of pounds. It's a horrible situation.

namechangeranonymouse · 11/04/2022 09:07

Can you get a job where you work away from home?

AChocolateOrangeaday · 11/04/2022 09:07

What is the point of this thread?

Is it a case of make a decision based on best of the 3 threads you have now posted on this?

We are strangers on the internet, we can't decide for you!

mudgetastic · 11/04/2022 09:08

So how exactly is a house share so much better than where you are now?

applesandoranges221 · 11/04/2022 09:09

Something for you to reflect on - and I do this too, so please don't think it's intended to be a criticism - you (and many many other people) are in a truly shit situation.

Sometimes when a situation feels utterly rubbish, it's really easy to stick with it because it's "known" rubbish - it's familiar and unlikely to magically change, so you know what you're dealing with. The other options you have - moving out, ending the relationship, selling the flat for nothing to be free of it, probably feel like big scary unknowns - and I can do a great impression of an ostrich at that point!

Would you consider talking to someone outside the situation, like a therapist, about this? It's horrid to be stuck but so easy to avoid taking action when all the options feel like bad ones.

gogohm · 11/04/2022 09:12

Where is the management company with retrofitting. The affected buildings near me are already being done, 2/10 completed so far and a couple have sold since completion I noticed this weekend (scaffolding came down late March). If it's only going to be a few more weeks then is the relationship what you want?

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 11/04/2022 09:15

It's such a shit situation but I think you need to leave. You need to protect yourself. You only have one life, you need to live it.

DrSbaitso · 11/04/2022 09:15

Even if you stuck around until this issue is resolved, how much will the flat be worth and how likely is it to sell?

Will it be so much more that it's worth all this misery rather than selling for a few grand to the developer that has an interest in this place?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 11/04/2022 09:16

Move out already. Tell your DP it's not about him, you still love him, you just hate his flat and can't stand to live there. If he dumps you for that then it wasn't meant to be.

BarbaraofSeville · 11/04/2022 09:16

If your DP engaging with all the advice and assistance available for owners of these flats?

I know he probably feels stuck but there's possibly some avenues to solve or ease the situation.

There will be people who have temporarily or permanently moved away one way or another so there could be some help/options other than just sitting and waiting it out.

PinkDaffodil2 · 11/04/2022 09:17

Apologies if you’ve already tried this but have you asked for consent to let out your flat on the residential mortgage? We did this with ours for 2 years (cladding concerns, complicated by it being help to buy).
I had to show the mortgage provider that I was moving for work, but then it was quite straightforward.

luxxlisbon · 11/04/2022 09:17

You have posted multiple times about this so I thinks it’s clear the underlying reason for this is not wanting to be with your partner and you are blaming the flat. There are many things you could do to make the next 2 years more comfortable in the flat if you wanted to, working in a library, renting a desk in a coworking space, plus the idea that you can’t cycle or hike is stupid. Why would you be able to hike anymore on a weekday living in another commuter area vs now?
You could get up on a Saturday morning and get the train to somewhere fun for a hike or go off for the day cycling. You are choosing not too and obsessing over the flat being the reason.

Also the property hasn’t stolen your ability to have children, many people are their first baby in a one bed flat. The baby will stay in your room for at least the first 6 months, so even if you got pregnant now that is a year and a half really before you even think about a baby having it’s own room and many still share your room for months after.

If you want to break up and move into a house share in X, Y or Z town then do it but I’m just struggling to see how your problems would be solved.
For example if you can only afford to rent a room how would your day to day life be different as you would still be working and sleeping in your bedroom? And probably spending even more time there as the living space is shared.

Silverclocks · 11/04/2022 09:18

You don't say anything about DP except that he'll be upset if you leave.

What are your reasons for being with him? Would this relationship be any better somewhere else? Why don't you do things together in the evenings and weekends?

latriciamcneal · 11/04/2022 09:19

This is no way to live. A pokey flat in London? You could be living in a spacious house paying minimal rent if you moved out of that concrete jungle. And a person who got themselves into 30 years of debt to "own" one? ha! Run.

ChateauMargaux · 11/04/2022 09:19

Can you use the money you would otherwise spend on rebt to go away a few days per month, work from an Airbnb somewhere and spend the weekend outdoors?

Do you love him? I probably should have asked that first?

Hankunamatata · 11/04/2022 09:20

Could he go interest only on mortgage, close flat up and move with you?

BitOutOfPractice · 11/04/2022 09:21

@gogohm

Many many buildings haven't even been surveyed yet! This will be ongoing for years and years.

SierpinskiSquare · 11/04/2022 09:22

What an awful Situation - I've followed it a lot but thankfully don't have a flat. The government haven't handled it well. This should be on the developers and the government not on the poor flat owners.
IDK - I'd go nuts in a one bed flat too.
It's hard to tell you what to do.

Amei · 11/04/2022 09:26

My mum and dad rent out a flat with cladding issues, it can be done, speak to a mortgage broker x

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 11/04/2022 09:27

You've posted about this several times already - you're clearly miserable so just leave. You don't need anyones permission.

JauntyJinty · 11/04/2022 09:29

So you live in the commuter belt with poor transport links?

If you moved into a house share would you not have the same issues, or would you rent 2 rooms to have a seperate one for work?

If your dad's driving you mad and you need your own space that's fine, just say so - I think you're confusing things trying to justify it.

gossipbird · 11/04/2022 09:31

Why can't you just work from Starbucks if you don't want to be in the flat?

Or take a chance and rent it out without telling mortgage/insurance.

LampLighter414 · 11/04/2022 09:36

I remember you posting before

Move out if you wish. You could get a house share nearby. You don't have to split up as a result. See each other most evenings, you can alternate where you eat dinner etc. Weekends you could spend at his.

You could also rent a work space nearby - I remember you saying you couldn't afford the cost however which made little sense because DP was funding his flat on his own just fine before you moved in. You could adjust your contribution to the household finances such that you get somewhere else to work in order to improve your mental wellbeing. Surely he would be supportive?

Up to you whether you want to listen this time or just shut down all suggestions

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