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Original poster

Really need some help re Dd and her dad’s girlfriend being aggressive towards her.

137 replies

Ostryga · 10/04/2022 20:14

This has all come out this evening. Dd is 5 and we were watching a film together and she suddenly came out with her dad’s gf pulled her hair really hard.

I asked her what happened without any leading questions, she said she’d not turned a tap off and * had been annoyed and pulled her hair.

She then said about another time daddy had gone to change her baby sister’s nappy while Dd was eating dinner, and dd started crying because daddy wasn’t there. His gf asked her why she was crying and then slapped her in the head.

Now I know 5 year olds can be buggers for telling tales, but I know my daughter and the way she told me makes me believe it’s true. The fact she told me that daddy wasn’t there when is rude or nasty to her made my hair stand on end.

I’ve given her a big cuddle and said I’ll sort it out. Not made it into a big thing at all, but said I’ll always be able to fix things and thank you for telling me.

For context DD’s dad doesn’t work his gf is the breadwinner, we haven’t been together since Dd was a newborn and he’s got another 2yr old daughter with his gf. They’ve been together for 4 years. We usually get on well and have a decent co-parenting relationship, I’ve never met his gf though.

Where do I go from here? Dd was meant to be at his tomorrow - Thursday which I’m obviously cancelling, but I don’t know how to go about this properly without causing a gigantic drama but I still need to protect Dd. I have no idea what to do.

OP posts:
namechangeranonymouse · 10/04/2022 20:16

cause a drama. DD needs protecting. Say you will get SS involved.

Murdoch1949 · 10/04/2022 20:18

I think it would be a good idea for the 3 of you - daughter, her dad and you - sit down for a chat. Daughter can tell her account so her dad can hear her truth. Ground rules need to be established for your daughter’s time with her dad, starting with his gf does not discipline your daughter.

ViaBlue · 10/04/2022 20:25

"starting with his gf does not discipline your daughter."

Emm..if the 5 year old is in the womens house you can't expect her not to discipline..especially when dad is not there

Ebony69 · 10/04/2022 20:27

@Murdoch1949

I think it would be a good idea for the 3 of you - daughter, her dad and you - sit down for a chat. Daughter can tell her account so her dad can hear her truth. Ground rules need to be established for your daughter’s time with her dad, starting with his gf does not discipline your daughter.
This. See how he responds to this disclosure first before making threats about calling in SS. He absolutely needs to take your DD’s word seriously
Lilybeanbag · 10/04/2022 20:31

Please step in. My stepmother was like this, a really nasty woman but only when Dad wasn't around to see. I was five or so when it started and couldn't protect myself, it was hugely damaging.
Mum struggled to help due to custody arrangements (she fought for years on this and eventually stopped contact), meanwhile Dad thought I was lying.
It's a shitty cross to bear and have attached to your childhood, please help your daughter and don't put her in an 'open conversation' with you both ffs. The adults need to sit down and ensure your child isn't left alone with this woman for everyone (including *'s) protection.

Easterisoffeggstooexpensive · 10/04/2022 20:34

My sm was awful to me and df allowed it.. Been nc for over 20 years..
Tell your ex in person.

WomblingWilma · 10/04/2022 20:38

This is not ‘discipline’, it’s abuse FFS. Pulling a 5 year olds hair and slapping round the head!

I’d inform SS first thing tomorrow and let them investigate. There’d be no sit downs or talks. You believe your DD. He will probably minimise and gf will be furious she’s told on her and get more sneaky about hurting her.

She wouldn’t be going back there either. I’d say her Dad can see her in a public place until SS give their conclusion.

PinkSyCo · 10/04/2022 20:41

Whichever way you chose to go about this will probably cause a drama unfortunately but for your DD’s sake it has to be done. When you phone/text to cancel tell your ex you’d like to meet up to discuss the reason why. Preferably, if not likely to be too upsetting for her, include your DD in this meeting too so that ex can’t accuse you of embellishing the truth. Does your DD go stay at her dad’s happily out of interest?

winterchills · 10/04/2022 20:44

I would speak to him on his own first. Then bring daughter in. Awful to think that this could potentially be happening when no one is watching🥹

Original poster
Ostryga · 10/04/2022 20:46

@PinkSyCo
No, Dd always fights going to her dads. I have to peel her off me and give her to him. I feel absolutely horrendous about that now, but I had no idea.

OP posts:
Vispa · 10/04/2022 20:48

Call the NSPCC for advice. Hope you and your poor DD are OK OP Flowers

www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/our-services/nspcc-helpline/

myyellowcar · 10/04/2022 20:50

I would get advice. It might be really upsetting for her to have to repeat this in front of her dad.

Mangogogogo · 10/04/2022 20:50

God that hit me right in the stomach reading that.
Don’t be afraid to cause drama, you need some services on your side here. And also what pp said you need to speak to dad away from step mum.

I’m not sure if it’s good advice or not but I would stop all contact for now and definitely contact social services. I feel sick for you :(

Whatsmyname100 · 10/04/2022 20:51

I would speak to him and also get SS involved. Speaking to him and trusting him to monitor the situation is very risky. She is abusing your dd, I can't see what speaking to him is going to do? She could easily deny it and hide her abusive ways. She's abusing your child, the only acceptable outcome if she is never around your dd again.

1000yellowdaisies · 10/04/2022 20:52

@ViaBlue

"starting with his gf does not discipline your daughter."

Emm..if the 5 year old is in the womens house you can't expect her not to discipline..especially when dad is not there

You can absolutely tell SM to not discipline the child, especially given her version of discipline involves hitting a child.
1000yellowdaisies · 10/04/2022 20:53

@Whatsmyname100

I would speak to him and also get SS involved. Speaking to him and trusting him to monitor the situation is very risky. She is abusing your dd, I can't see what speaking to him is going to do? She could easily deny it and hide her abusive ways. She's abusing your child, the only acceptable outcome if she is never around your dd again.
This 100%.
WomblingWilma · 10/04/2022 20:56

The reason I’d go straight down the SS route is that you will have her allegations on record if her Dad tries to force visitation at his home or goes to court. It will also be fresh in DD’s mind if asked about it now. She is obviously afraid of going there after your update and was probably crying when her Dad left the dinner table because she didn’t want to to be alone with the gf.

I’d be raging in your position and have to seriously hold back from going round there and smashing her face inAngry.

cherish123 · 10/04/2022 20:58

I think you need to speak to her dad. Also get dd to tell her dad. It's difficult and children do bend the truth but it doesn't sound made up 😬. Hope you sort it out.

Velvian · 10/04/2022 20:58

Straight to Social Services do not give them a heads up. Make an excuse like DD is ill.

Original poster
Ostryga · 10/04/2022 21:00

I honestly think I’m in shock. I feel numb. I put Dd to bed as normal and called my dad and my sister to let them know what happened but I haven’t felt anything yet.

I feel like I’ve let Dd down so badly, and forced her to go to an awful place and made her life hell.

OP posts:
Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 10/04/2022 21:01

@ViaBlue

"starting with his gf does not discipline your daughter."

Emm..if the 5 year old is in the womens house you can't expect her not to discipline..especially when dad is not there

Yes you most certainly can as this is not discipline. It's plain abuse. I wouldn't even let the child near the SM again and instead calling social services straight away. Contact with the dad would only be without the SM present.
Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 10/04/2022 21:02

@Ostryga

I honestly think I’m in shock. I feel numb. I put Dd to bed as normal and called my dad and my sister to let them know what happened but I haven’t felt anything yet.

I feel like I’ve let Dd down so badly, and forced her to go to an awful place and made her life hell.

You can't blame yourself. You didn't know. How could you have?! The only person to blame is the SM. How was your DD after telling you?
Original poster
Ostryga · 10/04/2022 21:04

@Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious I said ok, let mummy sort this out, and she gave me a huge cuddle and was bouncing around. I think it’s been playing on her mind for so long and she didn’t know how to say it. My poor girl.

OP posts:
Whatsmyname100 · 10/04/2022 21:07

Don't blame yourself op. The thing to focus on now, is what steps you are going to take to stop this immediately. Your poor dd and you.Flowers. Get in touch with SS or find out who to report to. Your ex can't be trusted here, he has a child with her and he hasn't witnessed any of this so he is going to be doubtful.

TheBigDilemma · 10/04/2022 21:09

You need to tell him in person or meet with him and your DD so she can tell him but do not expect a positive response. The most likely outcome is that he blames you, finds a pathetic excuse to make it look as if you are a liar and for your child to be in a bad place while this is happening as, with your ex not working, he is in a relationship where he may not have much power to go against the breadwinner, especially as he has a younger child with her.

But you need to, your DD needs protection. Without leading her, keep a record of how she goes and come back from contact, what she reveals, etc. This record would come handy at court if it is in the best interest of your kid for contact to be reduced or supervised.