Really need some help re Dd and her dad’s girlfriend being aggressive towards her.

[Ostryga]

This has all come out this evening. Dd is 5 and we were watching a film together and she suddenly came out with her dad’s gf pulled her hair really hard.

I asked her what happened without any leading questions, she said she’d not turned a tap off and * had been annoyed and pulled her hair.

She then said about another time daddy had gone to change her baby sister’s nappy while Dd was eating dinner, and dd started crying because daddy wasn’t there. His gf asked her why she was crying and then slapped her in the head.

Now I know 5 year olds can be buggers for telling tales, but I know my daughter and the way she told me makes me believe it’s true. The fact she told me that daddy wasn’t there when is rude or nasty to her made my hair stand on end.

I’ve given her a big cuddle and said I’ll sort it out. Not made it into a big thing at all, but said I’ll always be able to fix things and thank you for telling me.

For context DD’s dad doesn’t work his gf is the breadwinner, we haven’t been together since Dd was a newborn and he’s got another 2yr old daughter with his gf. They’ve been together for 4 years. We usually get on well and have a decent co-parenting relationship, I’ve never met his gf though.

Where do I go from here? Dd was meant to be at his tomorrow - Thursday which I’m obviously cancelling, but I don’t know how to go about this properly without causing a gigantic drama but I still need to protect Dd. I have no idea what to do.

@PinkSyCo
No, Dd always fights going to her dads. I have to peel her off me and give her to him. I feel absolutely horrendous about that now, but I had no idea.

Aw poor wee thing. Don’t blame yourself though. Children, as we all know, often make a fuss about leaving you, even when they do actually enjoy the place they are off to once there. The main thing is that you are believing what she is telling you and are doing your utmost to protect her.

[quote Ostryga]@Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious I said ok, let mummy sort this out, and she gave me a huge cuddle and was bouncing around. I think it’s been playing on her mind for so long and she didn’t know how to say it. My poor girl.[/quote]
Oh bless her heart, you did so well to stay calm. She must have had a weight off her by telling you. Hopefully SS will be able to give you good advice and maybe your daughter can talk to someone if she needs to.

Christ don't do the meeting with the child present!! Terrible advice!

Stay focused on your daughter's well-being. This is not a court case (yet) and your top priority must be your daughter's safety. Which will be compromised if you force her into some sort of meeting with Dad to outline allegations.

She will remember it and forever feel responsible for whatever ensues.

Keep her out of it.

Stop contact.
Get professional advice re child safety.
It may be that dad sees her alone from this point.

But if this woman is pulling hair and so on, her other children are equally at risk.

@cherish123

I think you need to speak to her dad. Also get dd to tell her dad. It's difficult and children do bend the truth but it doesn't sound made up 😬. Hope you sort it out.

Fucking he'll that is a terrible post. Victims blaming 101

OP this is awful to read and I feel so sad for you. Thank goodness you know now. I have to reiterate what’s been said previously re: involving social services. I also think conveying to Dad she won’t be going round there until an investigation is concluded is priority. Hopefully given recent events in the news SS will treat this incredibly seriously. Your DD is lucky to have you. X

Agree with posters who said not to involve the child in discussion with dad. She won't want to upset her dad and will feel guilty for anything that comes from it. I'd say leave her out of it, any half decent dad doesn't need to hear it directly from her and will take it seriously enough coming from you.

All the best, what a tough spot to be in but thank goodness you know now and can act on it.

You know your dd OP. My stepdad beat me up and my mum didn't believe me and I was shipped off to my dad! Still hurts to this day!

However, I also had a ss who made stories up about me and my dc that were categorically untrue!

And my own son made stories up at 5. I was questioned by the school a few times about the stories that came out of his mouth! Think - forcing him to walk alone to the chip shop whilst me and dd sat on the sofa or that I snuck him on a airballoon ride!

Personally I would use TED, so tell me, explain it, describe it and then make a decision whether to take it further.

No, Dd won’t be involved in any conversation. She’s done her bit in telling me what happened which is enough for her.

I think I’ll phone NSPCC tomorrow for advice? Or do I go straight to SS? I have no idea.

@ViaBlue

"starting with his gf does not discipline your daughter."

Emm..if the 5 year old is in the womens house you can't expect her not to discipline..especially when dad is not there

You bloody well can so! Also the GF needs to keep her hands to herself. Cruel witch.

Absolutely don’t make your DD try and tell her dad. She is 5 and has confided in you. Protect her by stopping contact until it’s resolved.

Oh god don't make her repeat the allegations direct to her dad. She'll more than likely shut down and not say anything - where would you go from there?!?

Contact NSPCC or similar for advice on next steps - I'm no expert but I'd expect SS would be the next step. But NSPCC would know.

You've handled it perfectly so far - you've got this

@ViaBlue

"starting with his gf does not discipline your daughter."

Emm..if the 5 year old is in the womens house you can't expect her not to discipline..especially when dad is not there

You know pulling a 5 year olds hair and hitting them around the head isn’t discipline, it’s abuse right?

Absolutely right not to further traumatise her by making her say it to her dad. NSPCC are a good place to start, especially with advice around how to handle this with your daughter and how to inform CSC.
You need to keep really factual when you tell her father, try and keep accusation etc out of your tone (easier said than done!) ultimately he's likely to be defensive and not believe it, this is the mother of his other child. Approach it gently, having him on side will make this easier.

A similar thing happened to my DD at age 4 with a neighbour, she was being forced to play the 'dare game' which involved removing her clothes and being forced to make inappropriate positions in a field. She told my mother about it whilst I was at work. I called childlline and then the child protection team was called in. It was traumatic but at least it was dealt with.

My goodness you must be so upset, but thank god you have found out now at least. Agree NSPCC would be a great place to start. Good luck and be kind to yourself

I’m a step mother to a child this age and could not imagine doing this it is appalling and sadistic. Your child must be kept away from this person, and her own child is also at risk. Don’t beat yourself up, what matters is what you do from now on and as already said the priority is protecting your child. I do agree SS involvement is needed because this is abuse. Thankfully you found out when you did, and you can prevent any escalation. Your daughter obviously trusts you to confide in.

Agree keep it factual with your ex.

However I would also say it in such a way as to make it clear that it’s not only DD you’re concerned about but his other child. Because if your DD is telling the truth then this woman is almost certainly abusing her own DC as well.

This is a difficult one, because the truth is you don’t know whether your DD is telling the truth. Children do tell lies about their parents/stepparents, there are ample examples on here of children who have made up stories about their step parents.

I wouldn’t stop contact though. As hard as it is you can’t be seen to be judge and jury here. And the reality is that social services aren’t going to pay much attention to a case where a child has had her hair pulled or even smacked by an SM. There are far worse cases out there which are not even being dealt with appropriately, so hard as it is, this needs to be dealt with by the adults in DD’s life.

As for her not wanting to go, I wouldn’t read too much into that. Plenty of children don’t want to go to the other parent purely because they love it at home and want to stay there in the here and now. But as a rule they tend to settle as soon as you’re out of sight. SoI wouldn’t see her reluctance to go as an indication of what she says is going on there.

Definitely don’t sit the child down with the woman! Terrible idea - a child should never ever be made to justify their accusations to the abuser.

I agree with going straight to ss and refusing contact while they investigate. I think there’s something very cold and calculating in her slapping the child and pulling her hair while her dad’s not in the room. For me that implies that she knows for sure it’s unacceptable but she is doing it in such a way that the child is the only witness.

I totally get Dd not wanting to go, I always ensured drop off was fun and not stressful and she still would cling to me.

Two things that stick out to me: it was her dad’s year to have Dd last Xmas and he sent a message saying she was really sad and quiet when she was there and he thought she’d be better off having Xmas with me.

Second a few weeks ago when he dropped Dd off he asked if she was always so quiet and shy when she met other people. Which she’s not when she’s here, she’s a very bubbly, boisterous little girl.

Now I’m thinking about it I can obviously connect the dots, but at the time I didn’t have all the info I have now.

Your poor daughter. Now this will be the real test of your ex. How he responds to this will really show you what he's like as a man.

Sorry OP I think I'd go to the police.

She assaulted your child. They will contact SS and will be able to make a Sarah's law disclosure to tell you if she has any past known concerning behaviour around children.

Actually I don’t know if I would speak to dad before speaking to NSPCC/ Social services.
That would give him & the gf time to make up their “excuses” and such.

I really don't think you should leap to this being the forgone conclusion OP.

Your DD could have made this up as she doesn't want to go over there. Or it could be partly true but taken out of context.

My ss made up things that were slightly real but not. Eg he told his mum he was really scared because I drove down a road that was closed because of a sink hole. He completely bigged up how scared he was. There was a sink hole, q sink hole that had been there for weeks outside of his school and that morning he had very excitedly shown me the sinkhole and dared me to get close to the safety fence.

Sometimes when dc are little they can't articulate properly and stories come out. SS aren't going to be particularly interested either. Maybe you need to get to know step mum.

@Murdoch1949

I think it would be a good idea for the 3 of you - daughter, her dad and you - sit down for a chat. Daughter can tell her account so her dad can hear her truth. Ground rules need to be established for your daughter’s time with her dad, starting with his gf does not discipline your daughter.

This is dreadful advice. Let’s see if your dad believes you. Awful.

Some other really good advice here. Ring childlike for advice. The focus is getting your daughter through this and ensuring she is safe.

It isn’t discipline- it’s cruel and it’s abuse.

Imagine if she told her dad your boyfriend was pulling her hair and slapping her! Unacceptable. I am deeply concerned that someone upthread thinks it’s okay to do this to any child in your house if you are a woman!

I had an aunt who was cruel to me when I was a child. My parents didn’t stick up for me. I still feel the sting of that betrayal.

I hope your little girl is okay OP. She will always remember that you believed her

Your DD could have made this up as she doesn't want to go over there. Or it could be partly true but taken out of context.

What context could possibly make it acceptable to slap a child round the head and pull her by the hair? There is no acceptable context.

And as for ‘getting to know stepmum’ I think op’s attention should be on her daughter, not palling up with the woman her daughter is frightened of.