Really need some help re Dd and her dad’s girlfriend being aggressive towards her.

[Ostryga]

This has all come out this evening. Dd is 5 and we were watching a film together and she suddenly came out with her dad’s gf pulled her hair really hard.

I asked her what happened without any leading questions, she said she’d not turned a tap off and * had been annoyed and pulled her hair.

She then said about another time daddy had gone to change her baby sister’s nappy while Dd was eating dinner, and dd started crying because daddy wasn’t there. His gf asked her why she was crying and then slapped her in the head.

Now I know 5 year olds can be buggers for telling tales, but I know my daughter and the way she told me makes me believe it’s true. The fact she told me that daddy wasn’t there when is rude or nasty to her made my hair stand on end.

I’ve given her a big cuddle and said I’ll sort it out. Not made it into a big thing at all, but said I’ll always be able to fix things and thank you for telling me.

For context DD’s dad doesn’t work his gf is the breadwinner, we haven’t been together since Dd was a newborn and he’s got another 2yr old daughter with his gf. They’ve been together for 4 years. We usually get on well and have a decent co-parenting relationship, I’ve never met his gf though.

Where do I go from here? Dd was meant to be at his tomorrow - Thursday which I’m obviously cancelling, but I don’t know how to go about this properly without causing a gigantic drama but I still need to protect Dd. I have no idea what to do.

My DD did lie about someone hitting her before and I work with a boy who blames his bruises on me or someone else hitting him which he genuinely believes.

So kids do make stuff up but it is always better to believe them and then it turns out to be false than the other way around.

I would obviously cancel maybe you could say she’s poorly until you get some advice.
Then I’d definitely ring NSPCC who will probably point you in SS direction.

I do hope it’s a false allegation but if it’s not you have done the right thing by believing her and trying to sort it ASAP.
This is not your fault at all.

You haven’t let your daughter down at all. I would do what other posters are doing, call NSPCC and social services for advice. I wouldn’t call the out of hours tonight, your daughter is safe with you. When you call them say your daughter is meant to be going to her dads and what do they suggest. I would be inclined to cancel her going, but ask them for advice just incase, your keeping yourself right as well and I think they will have a recording of your query. You can tell them how your daughter is usually when she is going to her dads.

Sending you massive hugs x

If true I would want to rip every last hair out of that woman's head and give her a slap, disgusting to do that to a child.

@andweallsingalong

Sorry OP I think I'd go to the police.

She assaulted your child. They will contact SS and will be able to make a Sarah's law disclosure to tell you if she has any past known concerning behaviour around children.

Exactly this. It s assault plain and simple and at the least it will trigger a SS investigation.

I'd go around when my daughter was at school and ask for an explanation, if tell her father she won't be going there again and If he wants to see her he can take her to the park, out for dinner ect, girlfriend is not to be there and my daughter will not under no circumstances be allowed at the house.
Id always make the girlfriend aware that if she ever put her hands on my daughter again id make sure she had no hand left to touch anyone else. X

Also NSPCC is a good idea. X

Ignore some of the previous posters' advice OP, they're clearly not trained in Safeguarding and are just voicing their opinions. I'm a Headteacher and receive Encompass reports from the police (even during the holidays) when parents have gone to the Police for far less than this. It's Physical Abuse. You DO need to call out of hours CSC and also phone the Police asap. Don't allow any contact with the father's girlfriend in the meantime.

This is from the NSPCC website - there's a strict protocol to follow.

I am a child protection social worker. Listening to your daughter and validating her feelings on this, as you have done, are the perfect first steps. She has placed her trust in you and you’re taking this seriously, which will be very important for her to feel secure.

You absolutely should report this, to the police and children’s services. You don’t need to report to the NSPCC and CS as the NSPCC will alert your local authority- I’d personally recommend going straight to CS as this is a clear cut situation where Children’s Services will need to become involved. You need to protect your daughter by not allowing contact with the step mother currently, if your ex could come to you then that would be a good situation as long as he isn’t likely to upset her by trying to ‘investigate’ or discuss things. If in any doubt then follow CS advice based on your specific information (we obviously don’t have that on this forum). You would absolutely not be in any trouble for withholding contact whilst this is being explored, ignore previous posters who say you would be. CS would be far more worried about your ability to protect your daughter if you sent her! Even with a court order (CAO or similar) this can be varied for situations much less extreme than physical abuse- they are pretty toothless for people who wilfully break them with no reason at all.

As much as CS would be worried about the possibility of abuse to all the children, I sadly wouldn’t be surprised if this was limited to your daughter only due to not being her biological daughter, so I’d caution listening too intently to anyone dismissing this because the other children don’t make allegations of a similar nature- although their young ages may preclude this anyway. Sadly, we do see this maltreatment of individual children within families.

It sounds as though sharing this with you has really helped your daughter but the rocky part for you is going to be navigating this with police, CS and your ex. Follow the advice of CS- because you will have shared more specifics with them- and it should be somewhat easier to navigate. I hope all goes as smoothly as possible, well done for taking this as seriously as needed xx

@lisaandalan

I'd go around when my daughter was at school and ask for an explanation, if tell her father she won't be going there again and If he wants to see her he can take her to the park, out for dinner ect, girlfriend is not to be there and my daughter will not under no circumstances be allowed at the house. Id always make the girlfriend aware that if she ever put her hands on my daughter again id make sure she had no hand left to touch anyone else. X

What possible "explanation" could there be?

No, it is a matter for police.

There is some seriously dreadful advice on here OP. Please listen to those trained in Safeguarding, and do not have an open discussion with your ex and daughter. I had to do this at work as a young adult and it is awful, I of course played it down and nothing happened as a result, with a 5 yo, that's an awful suggestion.

So sorry you are going through this, you sound like a brilliant mum.

@Ostryga

I totally get Dd not wanting to go, I always ensured drop off was fun and not stressful and she still would cling to me.

Two things that stick out to me: it was her dad’s year to have Dd last Xmas and he sent a message saying she was really sad and quiet when she was there and he thought she’d be better off having Xmas with me.

Second a few weeks ago when he dropped Dd off he asked if she was always so quiet and shy when she met other people. Which she’s not when she’s here, she’s a very bubbly, boisterous little girl.

Now I’m thinking about it I can obviously connect the dots, but at the time I didn’t have all the info I have now.

That sounds positive. He's obviously concerned for his dd and is prepared to forgo an important event in her best interests. I wouldn't rule out speaking to him about it, to see his perceptions of dd and SM interaction.

@DragonOverTheMoon

Also OP you cannot stop your dd from seeing her dad. If you do that it will not look good on you. It will look like parental alienation. Your dd has a right to a relationship with both parents.

Ring NSPCC. Don't withhold contact unless you're advised (I doubt you will be).

Contact with dad does not need to be at the dad and SM house!

Give your head a wobble - OP needs to take appropriate safeguarding action for her child, or she too can be under SS investigation.

Your repeated posts read as if you are trying to enable the continuation of abusive behaviour.

SS should investigate before there is further contact.

OP, your instincts are right - I'd contact NSPCC for advice on how to navigate thus but I do think the likely outcome is SS and police. My friend's DS was hit around the head by his SM and police were involved.

As an aside to the immediate issue, you said in OP that she started crying because her DDad left the room to change a nappy

That's excessive in a 5yo

that would depend what the SM is like, no? if OP's DD experiences abuse from SM - in whatever form - when her father isn't in the room, maybe she anticipated something?

I completely believe your daughter, well behaved children don’t make things like this up, their brains done work with malice or cruel intentions yet.
The men normally put up with it and allow it too, well in my case.
I’d be stopping contact with the step mother straight away.

And don’t do the open discussion thing with your daughter there!! No matter how many times you say it’s the case, she will feel like it’s HER doing something wrong and that she HAS to say it didn’t really happen to kee the peace.

Please ring NSPCC or SS for advice. Thank goodness your daughter has told you

@Baffledmuch

I am a child protection social worker. Listening to your daughter and validating her feelings on this, as you have done, are the perfect first steps. She has placed her trust in you and you’re taking this seriously, which will be very important for her to feel secure.

You absolutely should report this, to the police and children’s services. You don’t need to report to the NSPCC and CS as the NSPCC will alert your local authority- I’d personally recommend going straight to CS as this is a clear cut situation where Children’s Services will need to become involved. You need to protect your daughter by not allowing contact with the step mother currently, if your ex could come to you then that would be a good situation as long as he isn’t likely to upset her by trying to ‘investigate’ or discuss things. If in any doubt then follow CS advice based on your specific information (we obviously don’t have that on this forum). You would absolutely not be in any trouble for withholding contact whilst this is being explored, ignore previous posters who say you would be. CS would be far more worried about your ability to protect your daughter if you sent her! Even with a court order (CAO or similar) this can be varied for situations much less extreme than physical abuse- they are pretty toothless for people who wilfully break them with no reason at all.

As much as CS would be worried about the possibility of abuse to all the children, I sadly wouldn’t be surprised if this was limited to your daughter only due to not being her biological daughter, so I’d caution listening too intently to anyone dismissing this because the other children don’t make allegations of a similar nature- although their young ages may preclude this anyway. Sadly, we do see this maltreatment of individual children within families.

It sounds as though sharing this with you has really helped your daughter but the rocky part for you is going to be navigating this with police, CS and your ex. Follow the advice of CS- because you will have shared more specifics with them- and it should be somewhat easier to navigate. I hope all goes as smoothly as possible, well done for taking this as seriously as needed xx

Secondary school teacher here (so safeguarding trained, but not to the degree @Baffledmuch will be) and this is by far and away the best advice on this thread OP.

@WomblingWilma

This is not ‘discipline’, it’s abuse FFS. Pulling a 5 year olds hair and slapping round the head!

I’d inform SS first thing tomorrow and let them investigate. There’d be no sit downs or talks. You believe your DD. He will probably minimise and gf will be furious she’s told on her and get more sneaky about hurting her.

She wouldn’t be going back there either. I’d say her Dad can see her in a public place until SS give their conclusion.

Yes it is abusive behaviour.

I agree there has been some awful advice on this thread. It is worrying how people would respond to a child making a disclosure. There is so much publicity around what to Do - it’s covered in so many tv shows. Yet people would have a kangaroos court, assume the child is lying, assume social services won’t be interested, make friends with the perpetrator and send their child immediately back.

Depressing

@AuntieStella

As an aside to the immediate issue, you said in OP that she started crying because her DDad left the room to change a nappy

That's excessive in a 5yo

Because she knows she is likely to be hurt so not excessive at all!

Because she knows she is likely to be hurt so not excessive at all!

@Valeriekat I think that was actually the point @AuntieStella was making - that her unusual reaction is a sign that something's wrong.

@AuntieStella

As an aside to the immediate issue, you said in OP that she started crying because her DDad left the room to change a nappy

That's excessive in a 5yo

Maybe because she was left with a woman who assaults her? Who then slapped her in the head?

It’s not ‘excessive’ for a child to cry at being left alone with a woman who has previously pulled her hair for leaving a tap on.

@incognitoforthisone

Oh I really didn’t read it that way - to me it seemed like more of the ‘she sounds like a dramatic child.’ The choice of the word ‘excessive’ seems like a criticism of the child’s behaviour. I would have said ‘concerning’ or similar.