Really need some help re Dd and her dad’s girlfriend being aggressive towards her.

[Ostryga]

This has all come out this evening. Dd is 5 and we were watching a film together and she suddenly came out with her dad’s gf pulled her hair really hard.

I asked her what happened without any leading questions, she said she’d not turned a tap off and * had been annoyed and pulled her hair.

She then said about another time daddy had gone to change her baby sister’s nappy while Dd was eating dinner, and dd started crying because daddy wasn’t there. His gf asked her why she was crying and then slapped her in the head.

Now I know 5 year olds can be buggers for telling tales, but I know my daughter and the way she told me makes me believe it’s true. The fact she told me that daddy wasn’t there when is rude or nasty to her made my hair stand on end.

I’ve given her a big cuddle and said I’ll sort it out. Not made it into a big thing at all, but said I’ll always be able to fix things and thank you for telling me.

For context DD’s dad doesn’t work his gf is the breadwinner, we haven’t been together since Dd was a newborn and he’s got another 2yr old daughter with his gf. They’ve been together for 4 years. We usually get on well and have a decent co-parenting relationship, I’ve never met his gf though.

Where do I go from here? Dd was meant to be at his tomorrow - Thursday which I’m obviously cancelling, but I don’t know how to go about this properly without causing a gigantic drama but I still need to protect Dd. I have no idea what to do.

I can think of at least three possible explanations - there may be more

• she is scared to be alone with the her
• she is making a large part of it up and isn't always good on adding details. Yes, I know you say it's completely not like her 0, we all think that until one of our DC does it
• there is a different cause for anxiety, and it is causing an over-reaction to something that was intended as a joke and would be taken that way by someone who wasn't in a stressed state.

It's really important OP finds out which it is

@AuntieStella

I can think of at least three possible explanations - there may be more

• she is scared to be alone with the her
• she is making a large part of it up and isn't always good on adding details. Yes, I know you say it's completely not like her 0, we all think that until one of our DC does it
• there is a different cause for anxiety, and it is causing an over-reaction to something that was intended as a joke and would be taken that way by someone who wasn't in a stressed state.

It's really important OP finds out which it is

What could be meant as a joke and misunderstood as someone pulling your hair and slapping you? I’m just a bit confused because none of my jokes have ever been misconstrued by a child in my care as pulling their hair or slapping them.

i havent said which if the three scenarios that occurred to me (about tears when dad exits room for a few minutes - which is more than 'concerning' in a 5 yo)

Just that they exist and OP might want to look at many angles

It's really important OP finds out which it is

No, it's really important the OP reports this to the proper people (police and child services) and they look into it.

Yes That would be one way of achieving the same aim

@AuntieStella

Yes That would be one way of achieving the same aim

No it's the best way of achieving it. The little girl has said enough for anyone with a safeguarding responsibility (including her mother) to report to social services and the police. Those agencies are in the best position with trained specialists to ask the child about what has happened and work this out, take appropriate action.

Never understand why some adults are reluctant to call the police when it's a child (other posters, not OP). If someone in a position of power pulled their hair and slapped them the police would be the first thought, surely with a more vulnerable person (a child) it shouldn't be up for debate....

I haven't actually suggested OP does differently.

Just highlighted another angle that needs exploration. Because I think crying over that at 5yo is excessive and therefore a matter of concern which also needs proper consideration.

@ViaBlue

"starting with his gf does not discipline your daughter."

Emm..if the 5 year old is in the womens house you can't expect her not to discipline..especially when dad is not there

Discipline is not hair pulling and slapping!! How can you think is OK??!

@Whatsmyname100

I would speak to him and also get SS involved. Speaking to him and trusting him to monitor the situation is very risky. She is abusing your dd, I can't see what speaking to him is going to do? She could easily deny it and hide her abusive ways. She's abusing your child, the only acceptable outcome if she is never around your dd again.

I agree.

I'd be stopping contact for sure!

Ok so I have started the ball rolling. Can’t talk too much now as an investigation is going to take place. Dd will be with me for the foreseeable future, I’ve got a meeting with her school when she goes back after Easter, and I’ve got a meeting with my boss tomorrow to work out changing my working hours to fit around Dd.

She’s been great today, no meltdowns and really happy. I feel like my head is going to explode, but god it is worth it taking away the stress from her.

Just wanted to say a huge thank you to @Baffledmuch for your advice last night

You are very welcome indeed, glad to be of use. You’ve done a great job, your daughter is lucky to have you in her corner keeping her safe and exploring her worries.

Remember to be kind to yourself as investigations progress, some days will be harder than others as peoples emotions and words start to fly about- stay confident you are putting your daughter first and that is the case even if no concerns are found in time. So many people put off referring for fears of their concerns not being confirmed but the biggest damage is always most likely if you don’t follow through with worries and do nothing.

Huge hugs for you and your small person xx

Well done op x

OP what a brave little girl you have. She sounds amazing. Children of 5 do not make up such stories and her withdrawal reactions are natural. If you contact the police or SS, they will ask to speak with your daughter in a controlled video'd environment to obtain an account. This may seem scary, but, the expertise these professionals have is excellent. I won't contact the police not SS. This will get prioritise quicker. Your daughter has been assaulted & this woman needs to be dealt with. Personally, I wouldn't inform her father, I'd want the police to apprehend suspect (this is what she is) and only then would I discuss with your daughters father. Thankfully, he too has seen a change in her behaviour and when he reflects here's hoping he will put 2/2 together. Stay strong for your brave little girl. This should not be dealt with lightly. It is criminal what she has done. Children need PROTECTION.

Spelling errors - I would contact the police

This is abuse.

I would call social services and also NSPCC and ask for advice what to do. Then I would tell the dad.

Be prepared for her Dad to assume she’s lying, men always take the easy option and it’s so much easier to say ‘gf didn’t.

I 100% believe her. It’s so specific, it fits with her behaviour changes and her not wanting to go there, and she has no reason to make it up.

I’m glad things are getting sorted.

Did they tell you to tell her dad?

Good update. I am so glad your little one is safe🥰.

@WonderfulYou

I’m glad things are getting sorted.

Did they tell you to tell her dad?

Of course they didn't

While you may not be entitled to legal aid children often are if you want to get a solicitor to represent her.

@Ostryga

I honestly think I’m in shock. I feel numb. I put Dd to bed as normal and called my dad and my sister to let them know what happened but I haven’t felt anything yet.

I feel like I’ve let Dd down so badly, and forced her to go to an awful place and made her life hell.

I've NRTFT but I got to this and this hit me.

OP I was abused as a child but I wasn't believed because 'children lie'. You believe her and you're trying to figure out the best way to protect her. You haven't let her down, you've responded the second you found out, if you'd ignored it then yes you'd have let her down but that's not been your reaction.

Yes some children lie but others don't and these things are far too serious to be assuming a child is lying.

Cancel tomorrows visit and speak to SS.

Please don't blame yourself to you and your daughter

X-post. That'll teach me to RTFT! Good Luck OP, you've done the right thing - you believed her and you're protecting her!

Glad to hear your update OP.

stop all contact immediately! Also, have a think about if you really want SS involvement i.e. what if they deem there to be no issue, would you really want your DD to be going there?

You believe your daughter so you protect her at all costs-if dad wants to see her, he can do so in your presence. That woman is to never be with your daughter again-end of story!