Really need some help re Dd and her dad’s girlfriend being aggressive towards her.

[Ostryga]

This has all come out this evening. Dd is 5 and we were watching a film together and she suddenly came out with her dad’s gf pulled her hair really hard.

I asked her what happened without any leading questions, she said she’d not turned a tap off and * had been annoyed and pulled her hair.

She then said about another time daddy had gone to change her baby sister’s nappy while Dd was eating dinner, and dd started crying because daddy wasn’t there. His gf asked her why she was crying and then slapped her in the head.

Now I know 5 year olds can be buggers for telling tales, but I know my daughter and the way she told me makes me believe it’s true. The fact she told me that daddy wasn’t there when is rude or nasty to her made my hair stand on end.

I’ve given her a big cuddle and said I’ll sort it out. Not made it into a big thing at all, but said I’ll always be able to fix things and thank you for telling me.

For context DD’s dad doesn’t work his gf is the breadwinner, we haven’t been together since Dd was a newborn and he’s got another 2yr old daughter with his gf. They’ve been together for 4 years. We usually get on well and have a decent co-parenting relationship, I’ve never met his gf though.

Where do I go from here? Dd was meant to be at his tomorrow - Thursday which I’m obviously cancelling, but I don’t know how to go about this properly without causing a gigantic drama but I still need to protect Dd. I have no idea what to do.

You protect your daughter, far too many mothers like to turn a blind eye whilst their child is being abused. REPORT HER!!

Believe what your daughter tells you, protect her and stand by her!

NSPCC for advice ASAP, yes. I would stop contact immediately and tell your ex what your dd has said. No way would she be going back there.

Thats why @Kanaloa a bit of tell me, explain to me and describe to me (what the SW will use or a variation of) would have it sorted out.

I really wouldn't jump to believing this wholeheartedly without further investigation. I also wouldn't be creating conflict and drama with dds dad without further investigation. Dc at that age are known for magical thinking. You could catch a child at that age with chocolate cake all around their mouth and they would tell you they hadn't eaten any of it. It's the way their brains work. Google childrens magical thinking, it's not a made up thing, it's a developmental aspect of childhood brains.

@DragonOverTheMoon

I really don't think you should leap to this being the forgone conclusion OP.

Your DD could have made this up as she doesn't want to go over there. Or it could be partly true but taken out of context.

My ss made up things that were slightly real but not. Eg he told his mum he was really scared because I drove down a road that was closed because of a sink hole. He completely bigged up how scared he was. There was a sink hole, q sink hole that had been there for weeks outside of his school and that morning he had very excitedly shown me the sinkhole and dared me to get close to the safety fence.

Sometimes when dc are little they can't articulate properly and stories come out. SS aren't going to be particularly interested either. Maybe you need to get to know step mum.

This is how abuse is missed. Ignore the child and have a cup of tea with the perpetrator.

Yes it might be exaggerated, but there is a duty to care to this child to investigate it and make sure she is safe. When a child discloses cruelty or harm then it should never be ignored.

@DragonOverTheMoon I get what you’re saying and I do appreciate the other side of everything. But I know Dd, I know when she’s making up tall tales and I know when she’s been acting clingy and unhappy and she’s telling me something that has happened to her that had hurt her and upset her.

Also OP you cannot stop your dd from seeing her dad. If you do that it will not look good on you. It will look like parental alienation. Your dd has a right to a relationship with both parents.

Ring NSPCC. Don't withhold contact unless you're advised (I doubt you will be).

Emotional abuse from the cow who brought me up never believed ever I was the black sheep years later dad admitted he realised just how bitchy she was. Too late for me though, went nc 15 years ago.

@DragonOverTheMoon you can't use your experience to tell OP her kid is lying.

Bullshit @Mellowyellow222 abuse occurs because abusers abuse. Nowhere have I said that OP should ignore it. I just would advise caution rather than jumping off the deep end for something that is most likely not true.

@DragonOverTheMoon

Thats why *@Kanaloa* a bit of tell me, explain to me and describe to me (what the SW will use or a variation of) would have it sorted out.

I really wouldn't jump to believing this wholeheartedly without further investigation. I also wouldn't be creating conflict and drama with dds dad without further investigation. Dc at that age are known for magical thinking. You could catch a child at that age with chocolate cake all around their mouth and they would tell you they hadn't eaten any of it. It's the way their brains work. Google childrens magical thinking, it's not a made up thing, it's a developmental aspect of childhood brains.

‘Creating conflict?’

No, this needs to be reported and investigated fully, not brushed off as ‘aww kids make things up, there’s probably some context that we’re missing.’ She should know her mother believes and supports her, not see her mum forcing her to go back in order to avoid conflict and giving stepmum a chance to ‘explain the context’ ie produce and excuse.

Even if she has invented this to get out of visiting dad, that says something in itself. No child should feel so desperately stressed about seeing one of their own parents.

Op I think you should go Social services route. It's for your daughters safety. My child is 4 and she's able to articulate properly what happens in school. She doesn't lie about things that frighten her.

@DragonOverTheMoon

Bullshit *@Mellowyellow222* abuse occurs because abusers abuse. Nowhere have I said that OP should ignore it. I just would advise caution rather than jumping off the deep end for something that is most likely not true.

You’re not a social worker are you dragon ?

@flyingdream why aren't you saying the same to posters who are using their experience for believing the child.

I don't disbelieve the child. I just wouldn't act rashly. I'd do the TED talk. I'd talk to the NSPCC. I'd speak to my ex. I'd investigate as I know that stories and magical thinking are very common in this age group.

Op, would approach it with a very serious tone with your ex - working from the attitude that he will also be horrified. You can tell him what you have to say will be hard to hear but you know he will also be very concerned. Tell him she has reported two specific incidences of abuse and has alluded to other incidents as well (or whatever she has said). You can tell him you appreciate he is in a difficult situation but that you hope he will work with you to prioritize your daughter's safety. I would try to tell him this when he isn't at home. Depending on what he is like either meet him somewhere or schedule a conversation at a time he is alone. It is a lot for him to process and don't take his immediate reaction too personally as he may be defensive of her initially.

I would go to the police. These are serious incidents and years from now your daughter will know and remember you went to bat for her and took it seriously.

@DragonOverTheMoon

Bullshit *@Mellowyellow222* abuse occurs because abusers abuse. Nowhere have I said that OP should ignore it. I just would advise caution rather than jumping off the deep end for something that is most likely not true.

I don’t think you read my post correctly. I said this is how abuse is missed. You seem angry and this is a very sensitive subject.

But no one should ever dismiss a child when they disclose abuse. I assume you don’t work in a sector where you have been trained on safeguarding or reporting?

I also hope you are never the person a child comes to for help. You should always believe the child and investigate. So what if it turns out not to be true. I would rather an adult is asked a few awkward questions than a child have to suffer.

You’re well within your rights to stop contact for now, to prevent your child being harmed.

Speak to sw who should visit your daughter. She’s alleging physical assault. They will discuss a safety plan with you - likely to be that dad needs to be present during contact.

And you have no idea of this is true or not.

This is a triggering subject and it raises a lot of memories and hirt amount at people. Your response to this is interesting - don’t rock the boat, give the accused the opportunity to explain, make friends with the accused.

This is how my parents dealt with things. The adult is more important - children’s feelings don’t really matter. Dismiss, diminish.

OP please ignore the posters minimising this or saying you should sit down with DD and exDP and all have a chat. Honestly wtf and how traumatising and shaming for your DD.

Your DD has reported that she has been assaulted by a newish partner (surely a red flag in itself). You have a duty to report this to the appropriate authority to safeguard her. It's not "creating conflict" as some suggest and it is not up to you or your exDP to decide if she is telling the truth by way of kangaroo court.

You sound like a fantastic mum OP.

You don't need to predict what will happen, talk to NSPCC in morning who will undoubtably tell you to call Children services as a safeguarding (2 physical assaults on a child) . Let them deal with it as it is alleged child abuse.

As you believe your DD I wouldn't send DD to contact as CSD will investigate this and it will not look good (not protecting your DC) if you send DD anyway knowing this allegation. Best to ask advice and say I am concerned to send her to her Dads as SM will be there and see what dirt SW says, they will likely advise you not to right now pending outcome of their investigation.

However you deal with this, it will be difficult conversations, so you might as well do it through proper route.

Phone NSPCC and social services and take it from there. Don't ask her any more questions about it - let the experts do that. Don't send her to contact at the moment and pretend she's ill.

I'm so sorry OP.

I would also go SS/police route with this. If you speak to dad, they have an opportunity to get their stories straight, whatever they may be.

As much as I dislike SS, they are the professionals and know the correct questions to ask in such a way that can be used as evidence if necessary.

I'm sorry DD is experiencing this, we had a similar situation although DD was.much older at the time and it was witnessed by several independent People.

Google the out of hours Children's Social Care number for your county and phone tonight. Agree with previous poster that said go to the police too. This is physical assault (abuse) to a child!

You need to report to SS that your DD has made a disclosure.

If you have a reasonable relationship with ex, I would ask him to come & see DD at your house for the next scheduled contact. Or meet at a local park. He’s likely to be pissy & defensive of GF but you haven’t denied him contact. It may also be useful to see if DD is more happy to see her dad when GF isn’t around. And ex may see that DD is happier & bubblier in these circumstances & connect the dots himself.