Not to want mum alone with DS

[Beekeeper555]

Live far from mum. Have 9mo DS and meet up for long visits every few months. DS is her first grandchild She professes to love babies but often get the vibe she loves how babies make her look and feel. AIBU to want to keep DS away from her and hold to a hard rule that she is never alone with him for more than a few minutes? The latter will cause issues as she is explicitly asking to have him alone, and asking why I don’t trust her with him.

Generally worry that she is bad at reading him and he gets stressed with her. More importantly that she is more interested in taking videos/photos of him to share with her friends on social media- and now DS is mobile, there is a risk she is too distracted by her device to keep him safe.

A few things that I find off:

• she interacts with high intensity, making the smile request pattern coo (heLLO!!!) non stop, for minutes. No pauses for response and if DS tries to babble back she talks over him until he stops, confused. Unless DS is actively screaming she doesn’t take a cue to stop.

• she baits DS with her phone, trying to video him or just enjoying having him climbing on her for it. Even though I have said many times I am trying to keep DS as device free as possible, and DS is crying with the frustration by the end of the “game”

• at mealtimes, she often leaves her food to get up and play/interact with DS even if he is still eating. We are BLW so often he is working through something scary and chokable. But she still eg puts on a video call and baits DS with the device so her friend/sibling/mum can see the baby while he is sat up and cute in high chair.

• she seems always to look for an opportunity to get DS alone, whether taking him for a walk outside during family meals (“so we can eat”) or into her bedroom with the door shut. When either me or DH go to retrieve him after a few nail biting minutes she says things like “see, he doesn’t care about you. He’s happy with me”

• the last time we let her have DS alone in her room for 15 mins, we found her asleep on the bed with him on a deep soft down cushion (at the time he was 2mo). This was the day after we’d had the safe sleeping convo with her. I told her it wasn’t safe and she cut me off saying she’d raised three children and it was fine.

Ps. We have left DS with other family members before. They’re not all experts with babies but we feel DS is calm with them and they read his cues well enough to try to figure out what he needs, even if not right first (or second) (or third) time

OP,

Listen to your gut and follow it.

In the case of your update may e you shouldnt have anything to do with your mum seeing as she abused you as a child

Trust your instincts, ignore the majority of nasty vultures on here. You’re responsible for your baby and you don’t need anyones permission not to leave them alone with someone you don’t feel comfortable leaving them with.

You sound highly anxious and I hope you are ok.

I’m not sure what your relationship with your mum was like before Ds? After having my baby I found my relationship with my mum changed…it’s a big transformation for everyone involved and being a mother requires setting boundaries with your family - whatever that looks like for you.

Have a think about what exactly are the underlying issues? It sounds as though you don’t trust your mum and that you have analytical obsessive thought patterns. Perhaps this is a good place to start when thinking about healing and boundaries.

@SmellyOldOwls

'When either me or DH go to retrieve him after a few nail biting minutes'

This comment had me visualising the SAS rapelling from the roof in the Iranian Embassy siege, before most of you were born but I'm sure you get the idea!

@Fadeout83 and all other people cross at the dripfeed - I get it! But it was important for me to understand how bonkers my worries are to people with normal loving families. It helps to know this is not normal, that I can stop sweating these behaviours, without being negligent. To those who replied YABU honestly and helped me see the humour, thank you

I don’t trust my mum, and I’ve clearly been seeking (quite obsessively) for evidence that she is still unfit to look after a child. Actually, it’s now clear I haven’t given her the leeway to demonstrate this. If I do and she ends up slapping, scaring, locking up, or otherwise terrorising DS, I’d be pretty annoyed with myself for putting him in that situation. My darker worry is she will tantrum at him, storm off and leave him alone for an inappropriate amount of time (because it’s all about her), and he will seriously hurt himself.

I would love to cut ties, but my siblings are still emotionally entangled and in poor mental health as a result, and I would feel responsible at the fallout they would have to deal with. Maybe something to revisit, but not on this forum.

To all those who were kind about potential abuse situations - thank you, it’s not something I’ve been able to discuss with anyone and it’s been encouraging to hear the support and validation.

"I would love to cut ties, but my siblings are still emotionally entangled and in poor mental health as a result, and I would feel responsible at the fallout they would have to deal with. Maybe something to revisit, but not on this forum."

The person you have most responsibility to is your child. Your child's needs trump those of your siblings. And your siblings are presumably adults, so they are not your responsibility. But, I suspect your childhood fucked up the normal dynamic there too.

If you really want to be of use to your siblings, bear in mind that if your head is fucked (by your mother) then you will be no use to your siblings at all. To be any use to them you must be mentally strong and mentally well - and that may only be achievable by cutting ties. It's a variant of the airline instruction to the adults to attach their own oxygen mask first, and then their child's - because if it takes too long to get a mask on a squirming child, the unmasked adult is going to become unconscious and suffocate. Fix your 'oxygen mask' on first before you even consider your siblings!

The first thing in your OP was "Live far from mum." That's good, and bad. Good that she can't just impose herself on you daily and whenever the whim takes her, but bad in that when she comes to visit she's there for days at a time and living with you (you referred to 'her room'). Can that room be taken out of commission in some way? It's being redecorated/rewired/the ceiling fell down? Or you've filled it up with the furniture of a good friend who's between houses right now (we actually did that for two years!)? So that she has to stay in a B&B and you get some respite? Or have other visitors? Or are going on holiday? Anything to limit her visits.

Maybe have other people around during her visits, e.g. in-laws? Abusive parents generally like to present themselves differently to those they haven't abused, those not privy to their 'behind closed doors' persona. She might dial it down a bit if there's an audience besides you - witnesses, as it were.

Just keep listening to your gut, Beekeeper555.

She sounds like a nightmare. Fine to have around DS with close supervision but that’s it. Trust your gut.

Anyone trying to pressure a reluctant parent into leaving them along with their child is waving a humongous red flag.

Sounds similar to my MIL. I can't say anything though as she's already accused me of being too precious. Plays keep away like DD is a cat, which just confuses her. Constantly repeats her name which just gets very irritating- She's ignoring you to play with a toy- go play with her if you want to interact. Taking photos all the time and plastering them on social media like the bloody paparazzi and desperate to babysit (last time they were alone MIL put on the fire and DD nearly burnt herself). It's painful.
We haven't distanced ourselves so much, just don't see them as much as they'd like to!

Sorry rant over! 😆

OP

Now that you have a child, that supercedes your loyalty to your siblings, whatever their MH.

Your mother is a danger to your child.

Now that you have a child yourself, your priority is clear.

Protect your child.