Not to want mum alone with DS

[Beekeeper555]

Live far from mum. Have 9mo DS and meet up for long visits every few months. DS is her first grandchild She professes to love babies but often get the vibe she loves how babies make her look and feel. AIBU to want to keep DS away from her and hold to a hard rule that she is never alone with him for more than a few minutes? The latter will cause issues as she is explicitly asking to have him alone, and asking why I don’t trust her with him.

Generally worry that she is bad at reading him and he gets stressed with her. More importantly that she is more interested in taking videos/photos of him to share with her friends on social media- and now DS is mobile, there is a risk she is too distracted by her device to keep him safe.

A few things that I find off:

• she interacts with high intensity, making the smile request pattern coo (heLLO!!!) non stop, for minutes. No pauses for response and if DS tries to babble back she talks over him until he stops, confused. Unless DS is actively screaming she doesn’t take a cue to stop.

• she baits DS with her phone, trying to video him or just enjoying having him climbing on her for it. Even though I have said many times I am trying to keep DS as device free as possible, and DS is crying with the frustration by the end of the “game”

• at mealtimes, she often leaves her food to get up and play/interact with DS even if he is still eating. We are BLW so often he is working through something scary and chokable. But she still eg puts on a video call and baits DS with the device so her friend/sibling/mum can see the baby while he is sat up and cute in high chair.

• she seems always to look for an opportunity to get DS alone, whether taking him for a walk outside during family meals (“so we can eat”) or into her bedroom with the door shut. When either me or DH go to retrieve him after a few nail biting minutes she says things like “see, he doesn’t care about you. He’s happy with me”

• the last time we let her have DS alone in her room for 15 mins, we found her asleep on the bed with him on a deep soft down cushion (at the time he was 2mo). This was the day after we’d had the safe sleeping convo with her. I told her it wasn’t safe and she cut me off saying she’d raised three children and it was fine.

Ps. We have left DS with other family members before. They’re not all experts with babies but we feel DS is calm with them and they read his cues well enough to try to figure out what he needs, even if not right first (or second) (or third) time

The safe sleep thing is not ok but everything else is PFB OP, sorry. Unless there is huge backstory.

Fuck knows what smile request pattern coo is? Can you explain?

Christ!

I thought I was PFB, but this is next level! I always want to hover when anyone has my daughter but I have a word with myself and let her grandparents enjoy her. I expect your mum wants to take him to another room as you sound really intense. It's natural for grand parents to want to take the baby for a walk or to offer to help. It's normal!

Sorry to be harsh but you really need to unclench!

Haha are you serious? First child? Youll grow out of it. Let grandma be excited about her grandchild for goodness sake. My MIL is like this too - constantly taking photos and videos to share with others. They’re proud!! They’ve raised kids before and now they want to enjoy grandchildren without needing to actively parent them. Stop hovering over her and the kid.

That said, the safe sleep thing is an issue and should definitely be reiterated (though it sounds like it happened only once ages ago)

Re nail biting minutes you allowed her - perhaps she made the snide comment about baby not needing you because you’re constantly in her face hovering and putting pillows around your child and pre chewing his food lest he choke on it. Geez. You really need to calm down and let your mother enjoy her grandson unless there is more to the story you’re not telling us that would lead to these ridiculous concerns.

@RazzleDazz1e

OP I totally get it- don’t leave the baby alone with her if your instincts tell you not to. I suspect that there is a long back story about your own relationship with your Mother, and those posters who have had loving, normal non abusive mothers will just not be able to comprehend. Even if this isn’t the case, trust your instincts!

I agree with this.

You've said you happily leave him with other people. But she isn't paying proper attention to the baby.

If you’re chilled with other people and let him be alone with them, then doesn’t sound like you’re just being PFB. She sounds overwhelming and doesn’t really seem like she’s thinking about he wants most, just what she wants.

God knows how you have the conversation without leaving to massive drama though OP, sorry. I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving her alone with him if she’s so out of sync with his needs, he’s so little and likely to be into everything soon

YAB SO U. Poor kid 🤦🏾‍♀️

I'd love to know which relatives passed all the hidden tests that your mum has failed
Like PPs I also did BLW. You're sounding ridiculous about all of it. The only part that sounds like a risk is the cushion but I do not believe that in 15 mins with you hovering in the other room that she fell sound asleep.

Thanks all. @jjjjjjjjjjjjjjj, @Demelzaza you got it spot on… relationship with mum is tricky, abuse was physical and emotional. Yes I have issues with anxiety, ironically much better with baby as DS is by all standards very easy.

PFB is very much a thing, you should listen to me and DH debating how we’ll make DS’s formula… hot vs cold water, microplastics vs salmonella… it’s insanity and we know it! But what else would we talk about

I agree it sounds crazy, I think the upshot is I am hyper vigilant because I don’t trust her. DS won’t explode if left with her for an afternoon, but ultimately I don’t want DS to have the childhood I did and this is probably what I’m really obsessing about.

Promise I don’t follow DMIL around with a stopwatch checking how often she lets DS respond. I honestly couldn’t tell you as once she takes him my attention is on showering/eating/reading/chatting. Same with other family and non family members who look after him occasionally. I gather that is the norm, and most people do just leave their babies with trusted family without batting an eyelid.

Thanks MN !

You sound ott about your baby. Your Mum raised you ok, she just is proud of her GC and wants to capture it on her phone do she can look back on it when dgs is not there.

Give your mum some credit. She managed to raise you without killing you!

You're being over the top controlling.

She just thrilled with the new grandbaby. Not one thing in your post is harmful. Let her enjoy him.

Yes, I'm a grandmother who managed not to kill 2 DC and 3 DGC

"relationship with mum is tricky, abuse was physical and emotional"

Come ON, OP. That is a drip feed of the highest order. People have taken the time to reply to you but you've left out the most major part of the backstory.

Some people are being really mean to OP.

OP, you're not comfortable with leaving baby alone with her, that's fine. You're the mother and it's where you are at. You don't need to justify your feelings to anyone,

The safe sleeping thing was dangerous. The fact that she did it immediately after you spoke to her about it makes it clear she doesn't care about following your instructions. That alone is a reason not to leave your baby with her.

You don't trust her. For good reasons, reading your update. It doesn't matter if other people trust their mothers- you don't trust yours. She hasn't earned your trust. That's the truth, and you need to live your own reality not what other people think or expect.

All this 'PFB' stuff is dismissive and mean. Babies are very precious. Don't leave them with people you don't trust.

I think the abuse part really needed to be upfront - that makes it seem much less U! I do understand you keeping your distance and being concerned by certain things - TBH I don't think all of these things are issues but clearly given your relationship I can understand your unease and that the way she behaves could ring alarm bells for you and you're entitled to keep some distance between her and DS.

I think any grandparent who does something that’s been recommended against for more than 30 years but argues that she’s raised x number and it’s fine is someone to be a little bit cautious of. It’s one thing to do something that used to be common without knowing advice has changed, it’s another to be completely dismissive because the risk isn’t so great that one of your own three didn’t automatically die.

Most of your concerns do sound, as others have put it, a bit pfb. Though Inthink her inability to read your dc is, all by itself, a good reason not to leave him with her for more than a few minutes. If you thought this of every adult who interacted with your dc it would, by itself, look like more pfb. But you accept that some other adults can read your dc well, so I don’t think that’s it. Given this is your mother, who raised you, I’m guessing there’s more behind it than that and the basis of your concern is also informed by how she was with you as a child? Not necessarily anything specific, but generally it would seem that you don’t really, fully trust her? If that’s the case, with the dismissive attitude towards safety issues you had just raised and the inability to read dc, I think even if you are pfb your lack of trust is well founded and you should let it guide you.

your a helicopter parent.

yabu

Ffs.

Cut it out with the PFB and anxiety stuff.

My mother agreed that my baby was precious. She didn't scoff at my concerns, she listened to me and shared them. If I was anxious about something like safe sleeping, she listened to me and sought to relieve my anxiety by being careful.

In doing so she builds trust. That's what you need.

Some mums are anxious- it's no help to tell them they are being silly. People need compassion and support not a bunch of people sneering and dismissing them from the internet, let alone from their mother in real life.

Your mum sounds like a PITA. She isn't empathetic to you or your child. She might be great fun when your child is bigger and less fragile and better able to tell her to back off or whatever - but it's a bad idea to leave your baby with her.

You deserve to feel comfortable and have trust with people you leave your baby with.

Trust your gut.

@Ivyonafence you may not be aware but this section of the internet is called "AIBU - Am I Being Unreasonable?". This is where people come and invite people to tell them whether they are being unreasonable or not.

I think it's important to separate your thinking into the non-negotiables and the 'annoying-but-not-harmful' things.

Non negotiables like sleeping safely - you have every right to expect she follow the guidelines, or she won't be able to have him alone.

The rest sounds like excitement and maybe lack of familiarity. She'll chill as she gets to know him better - restricting their time together will probably make it worse.

You do come across as having a pretty significant case of first time parentitis. You should deal with your anxiety. Your thinking can get skewed where you start to think your anxiety is good for your child and protective - rather than seeing the harm it does.

You seem intent on assuming your mother's intentions through the most negative lens you can think of. I am sure there is some history behind that but you need to separate out your issues from her current behaviour. It is clear you don't trust her generally - so you are assuming each thing she is doing is something that isn't trustworthy.

It sounds like therapy to deal with those issues and your anxiety and figure out what are healthy boudaries for your particular situation might be helpful

Read the first post and thought you just sound like over the top first time parents and need to chill out. Include the second post and yeah I get it. I'd try to be more trusting when you visit of letting mum spend time with ds but no I wouldn't leave him alone with her.

Most of what you have listed is very over the top and sounds PFB. Don't sweat the small stuff.

However the thing about her saying "he doesn't care about you" is very weird, and her falling asleep with him like that is scary. I wouldn't leave him alone with her again until he's old enough that you don't need to worry about the safe sleep stuff.

Well I hope youre all pleased with yourself. The lassie has now disclosed a history of abuse (which a few of us predicted) but in the meantime you have all convinced her that she's being unreasonable and her mother is totally safe, which is not something any of you could possibly know.

My MIL is the same about demanding a response from baby but not waiting for one. She asks for claps and stomps etc but always in a different order and when baby has hands full etc so after trying really hard to oblige for a while baby just ends up staring back in confusion. Drives me (silently) bonkers and she is not potentially abusive like your mother so UANBU

@Anycrispsleft

Well I hope youre all pleased with yourself. The lassie has now disclosed a history of abuse (which a few of us predicted) but in the meantime you have all convinced her that she's being unreasonable and her mother is totally safe, which is not something any of you could possibly know.

Jesus Christ. I know your post probably makes you feel morally superior but the point is that people giving advice might have had a better idea had she not DRIP FED the history of abuse which was clearly a major factor in her "AIBU" post which initially made her sound totally U.