Not to want mum alone with DS

[Beekeeper555]

Live far from mum. Have 9mo DS and meet up for long visits every few months. DS is her first grandchild She professes to love babies but often get the vibe she loves how babies make her look and feel. AIBU to want to keep DS away from her and hold to a hard rule that she is never alone with him for more than a few minutes? The latter will cause issues as she is explicitly asking to have him alone, and asking why I don’t trust her with him.

Generally worry that she is bad at reading him and he gets stressed with her. More importantly that she is more interested in taking videos/photos of him to share with her friends on social media- and now DS is mobile, there is a risk she is too distracted by her device to keep him safe.

A few things that I find off:

• she interacts with high intensity, making the smile request pattern coo (heLLO!!!) non stop, for minutes. No pauses for response and if DS tries to babble back she talks over him until he stops, confused. Unless DS is actively screaming she doesn’t take a cue to stop.

• she baits DS with her phone, trying to video him or just enjoying having him climbing on her for it. Even though I have said many times I am trying to keep DS as device free as possible, and DS is crying with the frustration by the end of the “game”

• at mealtimes, she often leaves her food to get up and play/interact with DS even if he is still eating. We are BLW so often he is working through something scary and chokable. But she still eg puts on a video call and baits DS with the device so her friend/sibling/mum can see the baby while he is sat up and cute in high chair.

• she seems always to look for an opportunity to get DS alone, whether taking him for a walk outside during family meals (“so we can eat”) or into her bedroom with the door shut. When either me or DH go to retrieve him after a few nail biting minutes she says things like “see, he doesn’t care about you. He’s happy with me”

• the last time we let her have DS alone in her room for 15 mins, we found her asleep on the bed with him on a deep soft down cushion (at the time he was 2mo). This was the day after we’d had the safe sleeping convo with her. I told her it wasn’t safe and she cut me off saying she’d raised three children and it was fine.

Ps. We have left DS with other family members before. They’re not all experts with babies but we feel DS is calm with them and they read his cues well enough to try to figure out what he needs, even if not right first (or second) (or third) time

did you have issues with your mother before?
This with bells on.

If you read your post back OP it's all just so exhausting almost like your DS is in danger.... unless there's a back story to this?

Ok massive backstory, which makes your first totally OTT post void.

Hi op, I also understand how you feel. I grew up with an inconsistent and emotionally abusive mother. Depending on her emotional state then I feel reluctant to leave my kids with her. I think the people that have posted negatively to you won’t have had these experiences so they don’t understand. If you feel you need to protect your baby from her then follow your gut instinct. Take care. 💐

This drip feed thing that people moan about on mumsnet is totally unreasonable. Such a peculiar concept that people have to have the ability to get their whole painful story in to one post purely to benefit the precious time of the readers so they don’t waste their time with inappropriate replies. Perhaps if people were a little bit insightful and considerate then they could try and read between the lines and attempt to see the real picture. There’s always a reason for peoples behaviours

Your DC is only 9 months and you say you visit every few months so that's 3 times at the most she's even seen him.

You weren't getting the answers you wanted so you decide to say you were abused.

Seems you really just don't like your mum.
The solution is simple. Don't visit anymore.

As if people are wasting your precious time by drip feeding. I think the fact that we are scrolling through mumsnet posts probably indicates that we do indeed have a bit of spare time on our hands!

Reading your second post, I'm wondering why you even go to see your mother at all and if you'd benefit from some therapy.

You dont have to go there, if you do go you don't have to leave the baby alone with her.
DH and I don't leave our baby alone with MIL (his idea and I agree). We do leave them with other family members but don't trust MIL for safety reasons.

I didn't care about being PFB by the way, babies are precious.

The weaning sounds a bit anxiety-inducing, maybe look again at that.

I don't think you're being PFB and even if you are a bit, better to be safe than sorry. As you say, when he's with someone you can trust like your MIL, you're relaxed. Keep your child safe and away from an abusive person like your mum.

I don't think YABU.

One of the very few scenarios I can envisage where it wouldn't be odd for a person to take baby to a seperate room in the house for a prolonged period (when the parents are there) is for a nap, and if that guest is not following safe sleep guidelines (despite being told what they are), and is therefore putting baby at risk, I would not feel comfortable leaving my baby alone with that person again.

The constant photo/video taking is less of a concern, but would annoy me. Totally understandable that GPs will want to capture some photos/videos, but if it's all the time, and it's distracting them from what baby is actually doing, then it wouldn't give me confidence that they would give the required level of attention if left on their own with baby.

Generally speaking, I think there are some people you feel comfortable leaving baby alone with, and others you are happy to spend time with baby accompanied. Sounds like your mum falls into the latter group.

How an earth is grandparent walking away with the baby and shutting the door bonkers behaviour?! She likely was trying to give them a few child free minutes. Mumsnet is so bloody depressing at times.

Taking someone else’s baby away into your room without being invited to do so and shutting the door then, when they come to retrieve them, telling them that their child doesn’t care about them, is absolutely bonkers.

On the other hand saying ‘would you two like me to look after DS for a few minutes while you finish dinner/clear up/watch telly/whatever?’ then taking him off if the answer is yes is less bonkers. Although even then, if it were me, I’d probably just play with the baby wherever his/her toys are, which in most houses is usually in the living room or the baby’s bedroom.

you sound really fussing hard work and having read all that i reckon even a professional nanny wouldnt want to be left alone with him , your going to nitpick and find a million reasons why your not happy to leave him alone with her so just dont then

@Whatdidhearyousay

This drip feed thing that people moan about on mumsnet is totally unreasonable. Such a peculiar concept that people have to have the ability to get their whole painful story in to one post purely to benefit the precious time of the readers so they don’t waste their time with inappropriate replies. Perhaps if people were a little bit insightful and considerate then they could try and read between the lines and attempt to see the real picture. There’s always a reason for peoples behaviours

I agree with this. Family dynamics are so complicated that it’s impossible to compress all your feelings into one post. Speaking as a child of abusive parents myself, the whole dynamic can become very difficult, complicated and painful when you have your own children.

That said, it would have been obvious from the OP to anyone with an ounce of emotional intelligence that there must be a backstory of abuse or neglect.

@Whatdidhearyousay

This drip feed thing that people moan about on mumsnet is totally unreasonable. Such a peculiar concept that people have to have the ability to get their whole painful story in to one post purely to benefit the precious time of the readers so they don’t waste their time with inappropriate replies. Perhaps if people were a little bit insightful and considerate then they could try and read between the lines and attempt to see the real picture. There’s always a reason for peoples behaviours

but most of us are busy and have lives and dont actually have the time to play sherlock holmes and read between lines and whatnot , we read whats been written and go on that , id rather just have a long post once , rather than write a reply , then find out theres been loads of relevent stuff added way further when it turns out whats been added makes the first post a farce , its very wasteful of peoples time which to those of us that have busy lives is precious , not everyone is sitting on mumsnet for hours , theres a good reason why so many ppl moan about drip feeding , as it is i posted a reply to this thread and now find out theres a drip feed i cant be bothered really to go back and post another reply redoing what i posted ,

OK that sounds like a huge back story.

The only red flag I could see from your 1st post was the unsafe sleeping, everything else sounded pretty normal TBH.

Ultimately though you don't trust her so you can't relax so there's no point leaving DC with her.

@Whatdidhearyousay

This drip feed thing that people moan about on mumsnet is totally unreasonable. Such a peculiar concept that people have to have the ability to get their whole painful story in to one post purely to benefit the precious time of the readers so they don’t waste their time with inappropriate replies. Perhaps if people were a little bit insightful and considerate then they could try and read between the lines and attempt to see the real picture. There’s always a reason for peoples behaviours

Drip feeding is irritating.

YANBU
I thought you were until I read about her falling asleep on the bed, I would not leave her alone after this especially since you’d spoken to her about it the day before.
Then I read about the history of abuse, definitely don’t leave her alone with him. If it was me I don’t know if I would even go to see her.

That said, it would have been obvious from the OP to anyone with an ounce of emotional intelligence that there must be a backstory of abuse or neglect.

Just seemed like extreme PFB to me!

Trust your instincts OP.
I never left my babies alone with my mother- not for a second.

@Anycrispsleft

Well I hope youre all pleased with yourself. The lassie has now disclosed a history of abuse (which a few of us predicted) but in the meantime you have all convinced her that she's being unreasonable and her mother is totally safe, which is not something any of you could possibly know.

which if the op had disclosed in her first post she would have gotten completely different answers then wouldnt she ? and im glad the psychics among you predicted it , i havent got psychic ablities and i expect most mumsnetters dont sadly so its the norm that we read whats been posted at the top and write our reply based on that , hardly unresonable as mumsnet would say lol

Might be me but I don’t see the issue here. She loves her grandson, what’s wrong with that? Seriously

Just seemed like extreme PFB to me!

Yep - well, like I said…

@HELLITHURT

That said, it would have been obvious from the OP to anyone with an ounce of emotional intelligence that there must be a backstory of abuse or neglect.

Just seemed like extreme PFB to me!

Yes it seemed obvious to me but reading replies it was clearly not obvious to others.

The thing is the person who's been an abused child doesn't necessarily state it in the OP as they think maybe they'll ask for opinions without saying that so that it doesn't alter replies. But it should alter replies because in this case the OP has very good reason not to trust her mother.

The OP is doing everything to not be like her mother, and learning to trust her iwn instincts which is great, but may be difficult.

which if the op had disclosed in her first post she would have gotten completely different answers then wouldnt she ? and im glad the psychics among you predicted it , i havent got psychic ablities and i expect most mumsnetters dont sadly so its the norm that we read whats been posted at the top and write our reply based on that , hardly unresonable as mumsnet would say lol

There’s a ‘see all OP’s posts’ button which you could have pressed. No psychic abilities required.

@MissChanandlerBong80

which if the op had disclosed in her first post she would have gotten completely different answers then wouldnt she ? and im glad the psychics among you predicted it , i havent got psychic ablities and i expect most mumsnetters dont sadly so its the norm that we read whats been posted at the top and write our reply based on that , hardly unresonable as mumsnet would say lol

There’s a ‘see all OP’s posts’ button which you could have pressed. No psychic abilities required.

and i dont often do that , and i expect a lot of us dont , its frankly a bit misleading to post one thing , wait until theres replies and then post another thing that contradicts the first . time wasting comes to mind

Typical mn drip... People often do this