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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want mum alone with DS

160 replies

Beekeeper555 · 10/04/2022 16:58

Live far from mum. Have 9mo DS and meet up for long visits every few months. DS is her first grandchild She professes to love babies but often get the vibe she loves how babies make her look and feel. AIBU to want to keep DS away from her and hold to a hard rule that she is never alone with him for more than a few minutes? The latter will cause issues as she is explicitly asking to have him alone, and asking why I don’t trust her with him.

Generally worry that she is bad at reading him and he gets stressed with her. More importantly that she is more interested in taking videos/photos of him to share with her friends on social media- and now DS is mobile, there is a risk she is too distracted by her device to keep him safe.

A few things that I find off:

  • she interacts with high intensity, making the smile request pattern coo (heLLO!!!) non stop, for minutes. No pauses for response and if DS tries to babble back she talks over him until he stops, confused. Unless DS is actively screaming she doesn’t take a cue to stop.
  • she baits DS with her phone, trying to video him or just enjoying having him climbing on her for it. Even though I have said many times I am trying to keep DS as device free as possible, and DS is crying with the frustration by the end of the “game”
  • at mealtimes, she often leaves her food to get up and play/interact with DS even if he is still eating. We are BLW so often he is working through something scary and chokable. But she still eg puts on a video call and baits DS with the device so her friend/sibling/mum can see the baby while he is sat up and cute in high chair.
  • she seems always to look for an opportunity to get DS alone, whether taking him for a walk outside during family meals (“so we can eat”) or into her bedroom with the door shut. When either me or DH go to retrieve him after a few nail biting minutes she says things like “see, he doesn’t care about you. He’s happy with me”
  • the last time we let her have DS alone in her room for 15 mins, we found her asleep on the bed with him on a deep soft down cushion (at the time he was 2mo). This was the day after we’d had the safe sleeping convo with her. I told her it wasn’t safe and she cut me off saying she’d raised three children and it was fine.

Ps. We have left DS with other family members before. They’re not all experts with babies but we feel DS is calm with them and they read his cues well enough to try to figure out what he needs, even if not right first (or second) (or third) time

OP posts:
SuperSleepyBaby · 10/04/2022 21:42

OP - posters here who have ‘normal’ mums will never understand. I think my mum has a personality disorder. I only realised when i had my children, and also saw how my in laws were with my husband.

ladydimitrescu · 10/04/2022 21:45

Yeah you need to calm down.
The only worrying thing is the safe sleeping, the rest you are inventing things to find issue with.

SquirrelG · 10/04/2022 21:47

OP - posters here who have ‘normal’ mums will never understand.

Nothing the OP has said suggests her Mum is anything but normal.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 10/04/2022 21:54

Also want to know what a “smile pattern request coo” is?

And how is videoing a child “baiting with device”?

Actupfishy · 10/04/2022 22:12

PFB!

groeggmeg · 10/04/2022 22:12

You sound utterly bonkers.

saraclara · 10/04/2022 22:19

@Timeforausernamechange22

She sounds like an absolutely dotting grandmother who utterly adores her grandson but isn’t given the opportunity to enjoy him without you helicoptering over her. She’s had babies before you know, she raised you ok? You are being very PFB
I honestly couldn't believe what I was reading when I read the OP. Totally normal indulgent Grandma things, especially to a baby that she doesn't see that often. The sleeping apart, this is surely all normal stuff?

My MIL was the most wonderful grandmother that my kids could possibly have had. But yes, I can remember wishing she'd give my first one time to respond when she talked baby talk at her when she was just starting to vocalise. That wasn't remotely reason to criticise MIL or not leave the baby alone with her though! That's just madness!

squishyegg · 10/04/2022 22:19

Bloody hell. This was a crazy read. You need to relax and have a gin and tonic my dear.

Put those baby books in the fire 🔥

I don't even know what the half of it even meant; what is this smile response coo nonsense?

Is this a wind up?

trainnane · 10/04/2022 22:22

Nail biting minutes when you leave your mum with him?
Fretting a lot about BLW etc
No wanting to leave him
You sound very anxious OP.

Cherrysoup · 10/04/2022 22:26

She doesn’t get to take him out of your sight, why would that happen? Also, if you live far apart, there is no way she gets him alone, you’ll always be with him. I think you need to have an honest conversation with her.

saraclara · 10/04/2022 22:33

@Cherrysoup

She doesn’t get to take him out of your sight, why would that happen? Also, if you live far apart, there is no way she gets him alone, you’ll always be with him. I think you need to have an honest conversation with her.
Why? My MIL lived 2.5 hours away from us, but she got to have my babies/toddlers/kids alone when we visited and when she visited us.

We would happily nip to the local shops or for a little walk while she watched the babies when we visited and they were that kind of age or more/less. And when she and FIL came to stay with us we'd take advantage of being able to go out for an hour or so.

Now that I'm a grandma, I can't imagine my DD not daring to leave the room when I was with her own baby, or resenting me walking out into her garden, say, with the baby and without her. Pretty sure she wasn't biting her nails when I did, either.

MissChanandlerBong80 · 10/04/2022 22:34

Taking someone else’s baby into your room and shutting the door is bonkers behaviour.

groeggmeg · 10/04/2022 22:47

@MissChanandlerBong80

Taking someone else’s baby into your room and shutting the door is bonkers behaviour.
How an earth is grandparent walking away with the baby and shutting the door bonkers behaviour?! She likely was trying to give them a few child free minutes. Mumsnet is so bloody depressing at times.
pookieandgarfield · 10/04/2022 23:06

There are problems on both sides here, @Beekeeper555!

What do you mean by "working through something scary and chokable"? I did BLW and at no point was I worried my DCs would choke.

Your mum needs to calm down, and you need to step away from the parenting books Confused

Onceuponachime · 10/04/2022 23:07

@MissChanandlerBong80

Taking someone else’s baby into your room and shutting the door is bonkers behaviour.
..Probably the only way she could get peace to spend any time with her grandson, without the constant whirring of helicopter blades
Onceuponachime · 10/04/2022 23:08

A 12 inch sub, by the sounds of it

NoToLandfill · 10/04/2022 23:16

I totally understand your concerns. Listen to your mummy instincts and do whatever you have to, to keep your baby safe.

littleshep · 10/04/2022 23:19

I just wrote you a long reply OP and then bloody lost it, so will just say that you're getting an unnecessarily hard time on here.
A lot of the above would have done my head in and what previous posters said about those with normal families not getting it makes a lot of sense to me.
I don't know if your mum is overexcited or undermining you, but you are allowed to ask someone not to wind your kid up with a phone or distract him when he's eating.
You may find that some of these worries and annoyances will become non issues in a few months once he's dashing about too quickly for photos and directing the conversation, so perhaps a full Co frontation isn't necessary just yet xx

sst1234 · 10/04/2022 23:33

Wow OP. Your poor mother. Feel sorry for her about your behaviour.

MenopausalMomcat · 10/04/2022 23:44

So, DS is 9 months old, you live far away and DM only sees DS every few months. Seems to me that DM is trying to make memories of her and DS to get her through the months that she doesn’t see him. Being a DGM is hard, trying to second guess what mummy needs/wants, and at the same time being desperate to spend time with the DGC.
Most parents of young babies that I know would be over the moon at being able to eat a hot meal together, make the most of it.
And some of the language you use, seriously? “ Nail-biting minutes”, “Scary and chokeable”? Rather dramatic!
PFB at its finest 🙄

greenlynx · 10/04/2022 23:59

I don’t trust my Mum and her judgment so I’m not surprised at OP’s post. It’s very difficult to explain when you haven’t experienced that. It took quite a while to my DH to get what I meant because it’s mainly my gut feeling. I can put it in words now which is not surprising- DD is older teen and I’m more experienced.
I think all these little things about being distracted, unfocused, not adapting your behaviour to baby’s needs are very significant when you are looking after a small child. Also the attitude “I’ve raised certain amount of DC so I know better” is always a red flag to me. It means that parents are not listened to and not respected and that’s wrong.
I don’t think OP that you are controlling, I think you just don’t trust your mum. Go slowly and hopefully it will be ok. You don’t have to leave your baby with anyone, there is no obligation.

sst1234 · 10/04/2022 23:59

@MissChanandlerBong80

Taking someone else’s baby into your room and shutting the door is bonkers behaviour.
Taking your grandchild into a room and shutting the door is bonkers behaviour? Honestly, this please get weirder by the minute.
Shelby2010 · 11/04/2022 00:00

I think the OP is getting a hard time here. If you reframe the question:

I am happy to leave DS (9mths) with my friend or sister. However, my DM doesn’t pay attention to his needs & is more interested in getting Insta shots. He often cries with frustration because she ignore his cues. I take DS see his GM but don’t feel comfortable in leaving her in her sole care - am IBU?

Basically, it’s your baby, your decision.

RazzleDazz1e · 11/04/2022 00:10

OP I totally get it- don’t leave the baby alone with her if your instincts tell you not to. I suspect that there is a long back story about your own relationship with your Mother, and those posters who have had loving, normal non abusive mothers will just not be able to comprehend. Even if this isn’t the case, trust your instincts!

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/04/2022 00:12

Go with your gut. I don't think you're being PFB, because this is specific to her and her alone - "We have left DS with other family members before."

The constant photographing/videoing would set me on edge. It smacks of Performance Grandparenting. It's not about having a relationship with her grandchild, it's about showing her friends the photos/videos and presenting herself to them as Grandmother of The Year. (When you can clearly see she isn't.) Your child is not a sodding prop.

"the last time we let her have DS alone in her room for 15 mins, we found her asleep on the bed with him on a deep soft down cushion (at the time he was 2mo). "
So desperate to have him all to herself - and is asleep within 15 minutes? Odd. So odd.