Not to want mum alone with DS

[Beekeeper555]

Live far from mum. Have 9mo DS and meet up for long visits every few months. DS is her first grandchild She professes to love babies but often get the vibe she loves how babies make her look and feel. AIBU to want to keep DS away from her and hold to a hard rule that she is never alone with him for more than a few minutes? The latter will cause issues as she is explicitly asking to have him alone, and asking why I don’t trust her with him.

Generally worry that she is bad at reading him and he gets stressed with her. More importantly that she is more interested in taking videos/photos of him to share with her friends on social media- and now DS is mobile, there is a risk she is too distracted by her device to keep him safe.

A few things that I find off:

• she interacts with high intensity, making the smile request pattern coo (heLLO!!!) non stop, for minutes. No pauses for response and if DS tries to babble back she talks over him until he stops, confused. Unless DS is actively screaming she doesn’t take a cue to stop.

• she baits DS with her phone, trying to video him or just enjoying having him climbing on her for it. Even though I have said many times I am trying to keep DS as device free as possible, and DS is crying with the frustration by the end of the “game”

• at mealtimes, she often leaves her food to get up and play/interact with DS even if he is still eating. We are BLW so often he is working through something scary and chokable. But she still eg puts on a video call and baits DS with the device so her friend/sibling/mum can see the baby while he is sat up and cute in high chair.

• she seems always to look for an opportunity to get DS alone, whether taking him for a walk outside during family meals (“so we can eat”) or into her bedroom with the door shut. When either me or DH go to retrieve him after a few nail biting minutes she says things like “see, he doesn’t care about you. He’s happy with me”

• the last time we let her have DS alone in her room for 15 mins, we found her asleep on the bed with him on a deep soft down cushion (at the time he was 2mo). This was the day after we’d had the safe sleeping convo with her. I told her it wasn’t safe and she cut me off saying she’d raised three children and it was fine.

Ps. We have left DS with other family members before. They’re not all experts with babies but we feel DS is calm with them and they read his cues well enough to try to figure out what he needs, even if not right first (or second) (or third) time

I feel sorry for the baby you both seem completely nuts

I'm guessing your mother was emotionally abusive when you were a kid and you have only not mentioned that because you wanted to try and get an objective read on her behaviour without your experiences to cloud your judgement. But you don't need to be objective or give her the benefit of the doubt. If you've experienced her being abusive, you can and should keep her away from your son. You don't need to wait for her to harm him.

I mean this in the nicest possible way. DS is clearly your first and you are being a bit precious.

However, he is your baby and if you’re not happy leaving him with her then you don’t have to. It’s your decision.

The sleeping one is the only one that would give me any pause. But he’s your kid, you decide.

You inherited your crazy from your ma then OP. You both sound mad lol

She sounds like she’s maybe just a bit over excited about her grandson.
I hated Weaning even BLW scared me as she’s my first but a high chair is the safest place to feed a child so just explain to your mum you’d prefer he was left alone to focus on eating.
I wouldn’t want anyone picking my DD up and taking them into another room but maybe she feels your always watching her??
If there’s more to your relationship that’s maybe causing this then you need to address those issues so your son and her grandchild isn’t caught in the middle

@Beekeeper555 how is your relationship with her?

How was your childhood and how was she as a mother?

I think you need to unclench OP. Put the books down and just enjoy your kid. 'smile request pattern coo' indeed.

I'm assuming there's a back story and she must have to have been a supremely shit mother when you were a kid.

I think you could do with spending less time reading baby books and try to chill out a bit.

This^

TBH OP you sound more concerning than your DM, really over analysing everything with your DS. Could it be that your DM just needs to spend some more time with her grandson and you need to calm down?

Oh OP. You’re being a bit PFB. OK, a lot.

You use lots of emotive and technical-sounding buzz words and phrases like ‘cues’, ‘smile pattern request coo’ (?), ‘interacting with high intensity’, ‘devices’… did you really have ‘the safer sleep conversation’ with her?

She sounds like she’s just smitten with her grandson. That said, the shutting herself away with your baby is a little overbearing. If you found it so nail biting, you should have got him sooner.

I think you sound a little bit controlling and quite anxious. I hope you can find a way to navigate this.

Did anyone else google smile pattern request coo (google is stumped too)

Blimey - you sound v controlling. The only thing that’s a worry is the cushion/nap, and he was tiny then.

She does sound slightly annoying, but is the thing about shutting the door her just trying to interact with him without you hovering? I’ suspect that overall she’s just a doting granny.

It is up to you, but it’s in your son’s interests to have a relationship with her. Also when you have a second child you are probably going to need her to look after him.

You sound so intense , I'm not sure your poor mum stands a chance .

Wow, I think you’ve been given a hard time in the responses here OP.
A lot of those things would irritate me too, I find it odd that she feels the need to take him away from you. And the ‘he doesn’t even care about you’ comment would really grate on me. Not true and not necessary.
And I don’t imagine OP is feeding her baby gobstoppers but a baby should be given time to focus on what they’re eating without distractions when first learning. And should be supervised without the adult being distracted.

He’s your baby OP, you don’t have to justify yourself to her if you don’t feel comfortable leaving him with her.

@jjjjjjjjjjjjjjj

I think some people are going to say YABU but I think difficult family relationships are often difficult to explain to those who have 'normal' families. I wouldn't leave my DC with anyone I can't fully trust really- I think that's what it boils down to. If you have a sense that you can't trust her, that's enough for you to make that decision, you don't need people on Mumsnet to agree or validate this for you. They may just not get it

This absolutely resonates with me. I grew up feeling unloved and unsafe around my own mother, mainly emotionally, sometimes physically in the sense of neglect. She had dealt with some of her demons and shown herself a far better grandmother to my nephews and nieces by the time DD was born. Still, I was knocked sideways about how protective I felt about my mother not being in sole care of her, even as I knew that the world was not going to fall in if she eg had her early morning when visiting her, so I could get a bit of much-needed kip. Oddly, my usually very grounded DH had the same instincts. I am much more relaxed about it now DD is at school, but it did upset my mum at the time, who muttered about DH's helicopter parenting. I would say trust your instincts, but try to understand your mother's POV and do as much as you feel comfortable with. Maybe some firm boundaries would help eg about social media. Good luck.

You sound so unbelievably twatty I actually don't have any more words.

@HardRockOwl

You sound so unbelievably twatty I actually don't have any more words.

Sorry op but you sound bonkers! Nail biting minutes? 😳 wtf!! She obviously wants the baby alone for a bit to spend some time with instead of you hovering over them. The baby led weaning bit was strange too I honestly don't get this whole post. She does sound a bit wierd but you sound way weirder

You will read this back in a few years, and be mortified .
You will then come across threads like “tell me your most ridiculous precious first born moments” and have so much to add.

I wish my mum was this interested in my child.
Take your head out the baby books.

OP - in all seriousness you sound anxious, is this new since having your DS?

You say DS is 9 months...you say you've not left hom with her since he was 2 months ( when she fell asleep) ....so its a total non issues ....are you usually this controlling?

@collieresponder88

I feel sorry for the baby you both seem completely nuts

😂

I’m not the overly protective type but some of this sounds off. I do think she sees your dc as a show piece.

So your mum is allowed a "few nail biting minutes" with your baby?

Just don't ever leave your child with your mum ever again. She is clearly incapable of looking after a baby.
Don't ever lose sight of your baby in her house.
Never leave your baby , whilst feeding, in your mum's company.
She's clearly unhinged. 🙄

When you're a granny, you'll want a few minutes away from your children to spend just a few minutes with your grandchild.
It might sound bonkers , but having grandchildren relives the time when you had your own babies.
It's a memory thing, not a snatchy thing.
Oh, and I'm not even a granny but I can totally relate with grannies who'd like just a few minutes alone with their grandchild.

I know that MN posters generally think that it's creepy or bizarre, but it isn't.

Calm down.

Your poor child - are you going to hover over him like this for the rest of his life? Get a grip!