Not to want mum alone with DS

[Beekeeper555]

Live far from mum. Have 9mo DS and meet up for long visits every few months. DS is her first grandchild She professes to love babies but often get the vibe she loves how babies make her look and feel. AIBU to want to keep DS away from her and hold to a hard rule that she is never alone with him for more than a few minutes? The latter will cause issues as she is explicitly asking to have him alone, and asking why I don’t trust her with him.

Generally worry that she is bad at reading him and he gets stressed with her. More importantly that she is more interested in taking videos/photos of him to share with her friends on social media- and now DS is mobile, there is a risk she is too distracted by her device to keep him safe.

A few things that I find off:

• she interacts with high intensity, making the smile request pattern coo (heLLO!!!) non stop, for minutes. No pauses for response and if DS tries to babble back she talks over him until he stops, confused. Unless DS is actively screaming she doesn’t take a cue to stop.

• she baits DS with her phone, trying to video him or just enjoying having him climbing on her for it. Even though I have said many times I am trying to keep DS as device free as possible, and DS is crying with the frustration by the end of the “game”

• at mealtimes, she often leaves her food to get up and play/interact with DS even if he is still eating. We are BLW so often he is working through something scary and chokable. But she still eg puts on a video call and baits DS with the device so her friend/sibling/mum can see the baby while he is sat up and cute in high chair.

• she seems always to look for an opportunity to get DS alone, whether taking him for a walk outside during family meals (“so we can eat”) or into her bedroom with the door shut. When either me or DH go to retrieve him after a few nail biting minutes she says things like “see, he doesn’t care about you. He’s happy with me”

• the last time we let her have DS alone in her room for 15 mins, we found her asleep on the bed with him on a deep soft down cushion (at the time he was 2mo). This was the day after we’d had the safe sleeping convo with her. I told her it wasn’t safe and she cut me off saying she’d raised three children and it was fine.

Ps. We have left DS with other family members before. They’re not all experts with babies but we feel DS is calm with them and they read his cues well enough to try to figure out what he needs, even if not right first (or second) (or third) time

That said, it would have been obvious from the OP to anyone with an ounce of emotional intelligence that there must be a backstory of abuse or neglect.

Completely agree I'm afraid. Or perhaps it's just those of us who've had similar parents can easily recognise the signs.

People say a lot about mums trusting their instincts, but then they get "PFB" cried at them when they do so. Ignore them, OP. You know your mum, and you know what's best for your baby.

@MissChanandlerBong80

Just seemed like extreme PFB to me!

Yep - well, like I said…

Yep like I said drip feeding is irritating, well done derailing the post! Now that is all about "look how good I am"!

Let the OP get the answers she's looking for? Maybe start your own post?

Maybe that's to emotionally intelligent for you?

With the new context you’ve provided, this makes more sense now.

Have you and your mother had a conversation about your childhood?

@Darbs76

Might be me but I don’t see the issue here. She loves her grandson, what’s wrong with that? Seriously

Seriously?

the last time we let her have DS alone in her room for 15 mins, we found her asleep on the bed with him on a deep soft down cushion (at the time he was 2mo). This was the day after we’d had the safe sleeping convo with her. I told her it wasn’t safe and she cut me off saying she’d raised three children and it was fine.

And the part where DM tells OP and DH that baby doesn't care about them?

@Minatrina

That said, it would have been obvious from the OP to anyone with an ounce of emotional intelligence that there must be a backstory of abuse or neglect.

Completely agree I'm afraid. Or perhaps it's just those of us who've had similar parents can easily recognise the signs.

People say a lot about mums trusting their instincts, but then they get "PFB" cried at them when they do so. Ignore them, OP. You know your mum, and you know what's best for your baby.

lots of us that replies must be really thick then lol

OP, please be aware that AIBU is full of people who are here because they love to tear strips off the OP. And once one finds something to have a go at you about, all the others will join in. It's pathetic, small minded and can be very damaging.

On this thread they've decided it's your language and being PFB.

But for those of us with a bit more sensitivity and who are actually listening to what you are saying, not looking for fault, it's obvious that your mothering instincts are working well.

You don't trust your mum with your baby for a number of valid reasons, not least that she doesn't listen to you. That tends to destroy trust and with good reason.

Also, why on earth does she want the baby on her own? For what? It's a controlling and odd request.

You are the mother of your baby, not her. You make the decisions.

Please don't let the arseholes on here talk you out of listening to your own instincts which seem to be working really well.

And, next time, try posting in Relationships or any area of the site that's not AIBU, that sometimes works to avoid the arseholes who hang about here, making themselves feel big by belittling others.

That said, it would have been obvious from the OP to anyone with an ounce of emotional intelligence that there must be a backstory of abuse or neglect.

@MissChanandlerBong80 this is insulting and untrue. Most first time parents I know (including myself) behave this way especially if there is a history of anxiety. That’s where MY mind goes, not to grandma being an abusive monster.

@notwhatineednow

OP, please be aware that AIBU is full of people who are here because they love to tear strips off the OP. And once one finds something to have a go at you about, all the others will join in. It's pathetic, small minded and can be very damaging.

On this thread they've decided it's your language and being PFB.

But for those of us with a bit more sensitivity and who are actually listening to what you are saying, not looking for fault, it's obvious that your mothering instincts are working well.

You don't trust your mum with your baby for a number of valid reasons, not least that she doesn't listen to you. That tends to destroy trust and with good reason.

Also, why on earth does she want the baby on her own? For what? It's a controlling and odd request.

You are the mother of your baby, not her. You make the decisions.

Please don't let the arseholes on here talk you out of listening to your own instincts which seem to be working really well.

And, next time, try posting in Relationships or any area of the site that's not AIBU, that sometimes works to avoid the arseholes who hang about here, making themselves feel big by belittling others.

You need to calm down. OPs initial post sounded completely unreasonable and something many many anxious parents fall into the trap of doing. My MIL, who is an incredibly lovely person who adores her grandkids, was made to feel irrelevant and stupid by an overly anxious DIL (not me) and it really damaged relationships. There is more to life than always looking for a subtext of abuse. It would have been very easy for OP to mention - given the plethora of very descriptive language in her post - that she doesn’t trust her mother due to a history of abuse. One sentence that would have changed the course of this thread.

@MissChanandlerBong80

which if the op had disclosed in her first post she would have gotten completely different answers then wouldnt she ? and im glad the psychics among you predicted it , i havent got psychic ablities and i expect most mumsnetters dont sadly so its the norm that we read whats been posted at the top and write our reply based on that , hardly unresonable as mumsnet would say lol

There’s a ‘see all OP’s posts’ button which you could have pressed. No psychic abilities required.

A simple solution to those in the same time zone, and had OP posted her follow up sooner. Most comments calling her OTT are before her follow up post.

I can see your second post, OP. Do trust your instincts. I didn’t like the bit in your first post about your mum winding DS up until he was so frustrated he’d cry. I wouldn’t be happy with that either

You aren't being unreasonable at all. My mums the same and i don't think anyone truly understands unless they were to have your mother as their own!

I think PPs saying that OP should have just said in the first post that her mum was abusive perhaps should just have a think about how difficult it is to admit someone who you still love and care about and still have in your life is/was abusive. Even if you are aware of it and have accepted it, it's hard/awkward to actually say it out loud sometimes. It feels like you're saying something awful about someone you love, even though it's true.

I also don't get how people are reading someone saying to a mum "see, your baby doesn't care about you" as a perfectly acceptable or normal thing to say???

This is AIBU, so surely to make that decision people need all the information. The disclosure of abuse is major to if she’s being unreasonable or not.

It’s like posting ‘I’ve done loads for my friend in the past and now I need her help she won’t reply to my messages, AIBU to expect her support’

Then two hours later posting ‘I didn’t post this in the first as I wasn’t sure if it was relevant but I did shag her husband 4 months ago and she found out’

The information of abuse is fundamental to whether she is being reasonable or not.

You're both weird.

In the end it's your baby and your responsibility is towards your baby. Don't leave your baby with someone you don't trust. If they complain and tantrum then they tantrum. It's not your problem.

You need to calm down. OPs initial post sounded completely unreasonable and something many many anxious parents fall into the trap of doing. My MIL, who is an incredibly lovely person who adores her grandkids, was made to feel irrelevant and stupid by an overly anxious DIL (not me) and it really damaged relationships. There is more to life than always looking for a subtext of abuse. It would have been very easy for OP to mention - given the plethora of very descriptive language in her post - that she doesn’t trust her mother due to a history of abuse. One sentence that would have changed the course of this thread.

Mate, I've been here the best part of 15 years. This has got nothing to do with the OP disclosing abuse or not. This is to do with the small minded pack mentality of a certain type of poster who hangs out in AIBU, making sport out of tearing strips off OPs.

If you've not noticed it, I can only assume you're new or one of them. My money's on the latter.

Problem is she isn’t getting to know him because of this and the distance and it’s leading to her over excitement to try to force it. If she doesn’t listen to anything you say then you have to put a stop to alone time because you do not feel comfortable with it but some of the things you said also screamed precious first born which I do understand, at the same time I inwardly cringed at some of the language you used. He’s your child though so your choices

OP, an abusive childhood is relevant. And I suspect you knew that. Why did you leave it out?

“AIBU to feel anxious leaving my baby with my mum after my own abusive childhood?”

A very different thread.

Threads like this make me wonder if some posters are just out to whip up a bit of froth and reaction.

relationship with mum is tricky, abuse was physical and emotional.

So, I think more relevant question to ask would have been 'AIBU to not want to leave my DS alone with my mum, who has a history of being abusive'.

YANBU to feel that you don't want to leave a baby with someone who was abusive to you when you were a child.

All the stuff about 'smile responses' and mobile phones is neither here nor there. At the root of this is that you have a genuine reason, related to your own childhood, not to trust your mum - it's really got nothing to do with her over-excited, full-on grandmother behaviour and you would get a more appropriate response from people if you scratched all that from the record.

@Herejustforthisone

OP, an abusive childhood is relevant. And I suspect you knew that. Why did you leave it out?

“AIBU to feel anxious leaving my baby with my mum after my own abusive childhood?”

A very different thread.

Threads like this make me wonder if some posters are just out to whip up a bit of froth and reaction.

One thing that people with abusive childhoods are often left with is chronic self doubt, being unsure about boundaries, poor understanding of their rights in relationships, and a warped sense of what is 'normal'.

If she spent her childhood having her feelings ignored, being put aside and deferring to her mother to try to minimise abuse then it would make absolute sense that she would lack confidence, perspective and clarity around navigating this new dynamic as an adult.

OP, you have the power now. You're the mother. You decide what's ok. Your mother is blind to your baby's inner world and feelings, as she likely was to yours. Trust your gut and raise the family you want.

She sounds very intense and annoying. It would irritate me.

Plus how weird to take the baby off to another room and to shut the door. Why?

I think this kind of thing always does reveal a much trickier backstory.

And even if it doesn't, how on earth does calling an op like twat and generally sneering about pfb syndrome help?

What a horrible unhelpful sneery thread.

@notwhatineednow

You need to calm down. OPs initial post sounded completely unreasonable and something many many anxious parents fall into the trap of doing. My MIL, who is an incredibly lovely person who adores her grandkids, was made to feel irrelevant and stupid by an overly anxious DIL (not me) and it really damaged relationships. There is more to life than always looking for a subtext of abuse. It would have been very easy for OP to mention - given the plethora of very descriptive language in her post - that she doesn’t trust her mother due to a history of abuse. One sentence that would have changed the course of this thread.

Mate, I've been here the best part of 15 years. This has got nothing to do with the OP disclosing abuse or not. This is to do with the small minded pack mentality of a certain type of poster who hangs out in AIBU, making sport out of tearing strips off OPs.

If you've not noticed it, I can only assume you're new or one of them. My money's on the latter.

I’m not your mate so please don’t patronise me. Whether I’m new or “one of them” doesn’t matter (it’s the former actually if you need that information), bottom line is, OP wrote a long winded post giving all sorts of examples as to her mothers behaviour and then didn’t mention the one part that would have changed the whole context and pretty much 💯 of the replies?

As I said, many, many new mothers go a bit loopy over the perfect first born and have all sorts of ideas that are a bit overbearing. Maybe you’d know that if you didn’t spend the past 15 years hanging out on a forum

@incognitoforthisone

relationship with mum is tricky, abuse was physical and emotional.

So, I think more relevant question to ask would have been 'AIBU to not want to leave my DS alone with my mum, who has a history of being abusive'.

YANBU to feel that you don't want to leave a baby with someone who was abusive to you when you were a child.

All the stuff about 'smile responses' and mobile phones is neither here nor there. At the root of this is that you have a genuine reason, related to your own childhood, not to trust your mum - it's really got nothing to do with her over-excited, full-on grandmother behaviour and you would get a more appropriate response from people if you scratched all that from the record.

This. So much weird unnecessary context yet omitting one major issue which is instrumental to the whole problem.

OP, forget screens and cooing noises and photos and snide remarks. At the end of the day you don’t trust your mother, your parenting philosophy is different and you don’t need to justify to yourself, her or anyone else how much or little time you choose to allow her to spend with your offspring. You don’t trust her. Everything else is noise.

Whether I’m new or “one of them” doesn’t matter (it’s the former actually if you need that information)

Well, it kinda does as you're obviously not familiar with AIBU and how it works. I suggest you take a bit longer to get familiar with the site before joining pile-ons of posters who are having a hard time.

In fact, how about never joining in on pile-ons of posters who are having a hard time and instead have a bit of empathy? Its the posters who support each other who make this site what it is, not the arseholes who tear people down. You have a choice which type you become.

@notwhatineednow

Whether I’m new or “one of them” doesn’t matter (it’s the former actually if you need that information)

Well, it kinda does as you're obviously not familiar with AIBU and how it works. I suggest you take a bit longer to get familiar with the site before joining pile-ons of posters who are having a hard time.

In fact, how about never joining in on pile-ons of posters who are having a hard time and instead have a bit of empathy? Its the posters who support each other who make this site what it is, not the arseholes who tear people down. You have a choice which type you become.

It’s not joining a pile on, it’s expressing my opinion, which in allowed to do in an AIBU, no? That opinion being - based on the first post alone, the OP is being a bloody precious FTM and needs to loosen up a bit. And if you bothered to read my initial posts, they were caveated - ie. unless there is more to the story than you’re telling.

Take a deep breath. It’s ok to express opinions when people ask for them. I won’t sugar coat mine when someone is being a royal twit about coos and nail biting minutes whilst also withholding very important context.