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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have ruined DH's day

139 replies

macaronipenguinn · 10/04/2022 12:52

Woke up in the night with a fever and headache. With paracetamol it was still only just under 38 so I asked DH if he could take DC to a birthday party, I would drop him off and return home with our other child, then pick him up.

Well, I have apparently massively inconvenienced him. Lots of chuntering about 'holding it all together' and 'I'm exhausted too, you know'.

This happens when I am ill. DH has only had to 'hold it all together' once in the last seven years, which is when I was literally incapacitated by vomiting for a day. A day. I got both DCs dressed this morning, I got up with them, did their teeth, made them breakfast. DH just has to sit at a kids party for a couple of hours, after which I will pick him up and bring him home.

I am nearly at breaking point with his selfishness and his absolute lack of empathy. I would literally be better off doing this all by myself, as I could just be ill, be a bit crap for a day or two but without anyone banging on and on at me about how much slack they've (not) been taking up.

I am dreading him coming back from this party and having to either pretend I feel ok or allow myself to feel a bit crap and rest on the sofa or bed. If I do the latter I will be given the pass agg treatment all day long. Sometimes it's just not worth it.

I have tested for covid, obviously, negative.

OP posts:
ClaymationHeartsStillBeat · 10/04/2022 12:55

How long have you been together?
I did this crap for 20 years and then decided I was not doing it anymore. That was 19 years too long.

He knows this is out of order. He is selfish. This will not change because there is no benefit to him to change - except keeping you in his life as his bank of emotional and logistical labour/PA.

Good luck or get out I say!

Northernlurker · 10/04/2022 12:55

Text him. He will need to get a taxi home. You are so ill you've taken refuge at your parents/friends - whoever is best at lying and likes him the least.
They will drop your other child off when he's back.
Then book in to premier inn and rest for at least 24 hours.
Then think about whether this is worth going on with and take steps if not.
He's being an unloving shit. Don't let him get away with it.

Original poster
macaronipenguinn · 10/04/2022 12:56

@ClaymationHeartsStillBeat

How long have you been together? I did this crap for 20 years and then decided I was not doing it anymore. That was 19 years too long.

He knows this is out of order. He is selfish. This will not change because there is no benefit to him to change - except keeping you in his life as his bank of emotional and logistical labour/PA.

Good luck or get out I say!

Yeah it's sixteen years. I am getting to the end of my rope with it all. It's just all about how things impact him. He just isn't capable of putting someone else's feelings before his own.
OP posts:
RishiRich · 10/04/2022 12:57

YANBU, he sounds like a rubbish husband and father.

Hugasauras · 10/04/2022 12:57

He sounds like a knob. Why shouldn't he take his own child to a birthday party even if you were well? Why is it your job?

I'm sorry, OP, he sounds like another of the many men on here who are apparently unwilling to be equal parents or look after their own children Sad I imagine when he's ill, he expects the entire household to revolve around him

Original poster
macaronipenguinn · 10/04/2022 12:59

He had a lovely day planned reading the paper and listening to cricket and podcasts and I've fucked it by making him actively parent one of his own kids.

OP posts:
GiantHaystacks2021 · 10/04/2022 13:02

Absolute dickhead.
Divorce.

Hugasauras · 10/04/2022 13:02

My heart bleeds for him. Hope a child pukes on him at the party.

Embracelife · 10/04/2022 13:06

How has he got away with it for 7 years? Time to wake up and maybe by splitting he willbe forced into parenting

StationaryMagpie · 10/04/2022 13:06

17 year i wasted on mister 'i do everything around here' who spent his weekends either asleep or playing xbox, and dictating the rest of us tiptoe around in silence so we didn't disturb either.

Get rid... its a pain to begin with, but the peace/freedom is its own reward.

Luxplus · 10/04/2022 13:07

Why are you with him ? What does he contribute to the partnership?
My dh is currently at a soft play with our 2 dds and one of the dds school friends. I am doing some exam preparation for a class I'm doing and got up early today to get started. When dh got up with the girls he announced he would take them out to give me peace.
I think its important in a relationship to help out without being prompted.

Pegasussnail · 10/04/2022 13:09

That's shocking. I am also sick today but dh has been really great.
Why can't he drive ? Or get a taxi.
Cricket podcasts .. ffs

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/04/2022 13:09

"I am dreading him coming back from this party and having to either pretend I feel ok or allow myself to feel a bit crap and rest on the sofa or bed. If I do the latter I will be given the pass agg treatment all day long. Sometimes it's just not worth it."

Serious question. What would he do if you responded to him with a 'fuck off'? It would spike his passive-aggressive bubble, surely? Have you ever responded to his passive-aggressiveness with anything other than trying to smooth things over, and if so, how did he respond?

Basically I'm a big believer in 'If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got'.

LaurieFairyCake · 10/04/2022 13:10

You have to set the expectation that he does half the kid work at weekends

I've no idea how you've gone so long without doing this

I don't know how you haven't lost your shit every weekend when he sits down to watch the fucking cricket

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 10/04/2022 13:11

Don't pretend you're okay. Ignore him completely and stay in bed if you need to.

Once you're feeling better and have the energy, have a good think about whether you want this relationship to continue.

endofthelinefinally · 10/04/2022 13:13

Have a read of the threads on the relationships board OP. You will see that you are not alone and that you have choices. Lots of excellent advice over there.

Notimeforaname · 10/04/2022 13:17

Go straight to bed after you pick them up. If picking them up isn't absolutely necessary, go to bed now.

ny20005 · 10/04/2022 13:22

Is he one of those useless husbands who thinks that knowing how to drive isn't necessary & it's one more thing you have to be responsible for

Tell him to get a taxi & either stay in bed or decamp to a friends / hotel

diddl · 10/04/2022 13:28

I must admit that I wouldn't be best pleased at having to spend part of Sunday at a kids party.

That said he'd be making arrangements to get there as I wouldn't be ferrying him about whilst unwell.

AChocolateOrangeaday · 10/04/2022 13:31

Here we go again……….

arethereanyleftatall · 10/04/2022 13:32

Yes, you would absolutely be better off doing it on your own.

Cherrysoup · 10/04/2022 13:36

@macaronipenguinn

He had a lovely day planned reading the paper and listening to cricket and podcasts and I've fucked it by making him actively parent one of his own kids.
My god, you bitch! 🤣 I’m stunned at him, is he always like this? He’s not working today but still expects you to do everything? Bloody hell, if I’m ill, my dh doesn’t let me move.
Herecomesthesun2022 · 10/04/2022 13:36

@diddl

I must admit that I wouldn't be best pleased at having to spend part of Sunday at a kids party.

That said he'd be making arrangements to get there as I wouldn't be ferrying him about whilst unwell.

‘Wouldn’t be best pleased’. I don’t understand your point. What’s being pleased got to do with it? Why should the OP be pleased to do it but DH shouldn’t? Even if she were well?
THisbackwithavengeance · 10/04/2022 13:36

@diddl

I must admit that I wouldn't be best pleased at having to spend part of Sunday at a kids party.

That said he'd be making arrangements to get there as I wouldn't be ferrying him about whilst unwell.

Well yeah, I'm sure it wasn't at the top of the OP's list of Preferred Things To Do on Sunday either.

If you want to spend your weekends pleasing yourself entirely then either don't have kids or make sure you earn enough to outsource 7 days a week childcare.

Surely he can listen to his podcast on his earphones at the party whilst the child is participating in whatever it is that is arranged so his entire day isn't actually ruined.

Juniper68 · 10/04/2022 13:39

So he can't drive? He moans and only cares about himself. Delightful.