To have ruined DH's day

[macaronipenguinn]

Woke up in the night with a fever and headache. With paracetamol it was still only just under 38 so I asked DH if he could take DC to a birthday party, I would drop him off and return home with our other child, then pick him up.

Well, I have apparently massively inconvenienced him. Lots of chuntering about 'holding it all together' and 'I'm exhausted too, you know'.

This happens when I am ill. DH has only had to 'hold it all together' once in the last seven years, which is when I was literally incapacitated by vomiting for a day. A day. I got both DCs dressed this morning, I got up with them, did their teeth, made them breakfast. DH just has to sit at a kids party for a couple of hours, after which I will pick him up and bring him home.

I am nearly at breaking point with his selfishness and his absolute lack of empathy. I would literally be better off doing this all by myself, as I could just be ill, be a bit crap for a day or two but without anyone banging on and on at me about how much slack they've (not) been taking up.

I am dreading him coming back from this party and having to either pretend I feel ok or allow myself to feel a bit crap and rest on the sofa or bed. If I do the latter I will be given the pass agg treatment all day long. Sometimes it's just not worth it.

I have tested for covid, obviously, negative.

Happiestdogs

Marriage counselling maybe? Seems like your relationship still has loads going for it! Many people wait too long to get help to get back on track according to Relate.

I have suggested it but he won't go as he says nothing is wrong. I did read that it's still useful to go alone, but to be honest I can't really afford it anyway.

He does also point out that his friend do absolutely nothing childcare or house related and that "if he did nothing like most men I'd know all about it". I don't really understand why the benchmark is total disparity as opposed to total equality, though, and don't understand how he can have that view especially as we have daughters.

Friends

When I remarried I told dh party invites we took turns...
And we do. Living hell ime so why should it always be me??

Sorry for hijacking your thread OP, I hope you feel better soon. It just resonated with me so much after a weekend of genuinely supporting DH in his hobby and chatting to him about it, after a horrific week myself, and then feeling like it was utterly thrown in my face when he spoke tersely at me for allowing a child near him after he had more time to himself in 24 hours than I've had collectively in 4 years

@Happiestdogs

He does also point out that his friend do absolutely nothing childcare or house related and that "if he did nothing like most men I'd know all about it". I don't really understand why the benchmark is total disparity as opposed to total equality, though, and don't understand how he can have that view especially as we have daughters.

DH's friends are selfish arseholes (some of them). He thinks they're pathetic. And regularly takes the piss out of them. Because it is pathetic.

@Happiestdogs

He does also point out that his friend do absolutely nothing childcare or house related and that "if he did nothing like most men I'd know all about it". I don't really understand why the benchmark is total disparity as opposed to total equality, though, and don't understand how he can have that view especially as we have daughters.

I haven't found having daughters to be any kind of cure for misogynistic men. If anything, they get an even greater sense of entitlement and sexism from it.

@Happiestdogs

Sorry for hijacking your thread OP, I hope you feel better soon. It just resonated with me so much after a weekend of genuinely supporting DH in his hobby and chatting to him about it, after a horrific week myself, and then feeling like it was utterly thrown in my face when he spoke tersely at me for allowing a child near him after he had more time to himself in 24 hours than I've had collectively in 4 years

Even if he does decide to step up when they're older, easier and more fun (how noble of him), what makes him think you'll still want him there? Will you be able to forget that he treated you all like shit when you needed him most?

His wife-appliance is malfunctioning. YABU to expect any more empathy from him than he would give to a broken toaster in these circumstances.

Sorry he’s being a shit. Any chance you could decamp to family or friends for some tlc from people who actually realise you’re a human being?

I bet these useless twats still expect sex whenever they fancy it too? And are Astonished if their exhausted, resentful, unappreciated partners aren't gagging for it,

DH's friends are selfish arseholes (some of them). He thinks they're pathetic. And regularly takes the piss out of them. Because it is pathetic.

Same here. We know of two men in our wider social circle who are terrible - really, really selfish men who do nothing for their wives and kids.
My DH and others don't use them to make themselves look better. They consider them pathetic and feel for their wives and kids.

I called my DH from A&E to tell him I was being admitted with pneumonia, his response - well where does that leave me🙄 he was supposed to be going out with his son in 5 days time, and didnt think DD could be left on her own, she was 16 at the time, told him to bring a hospital bag and not to bother visiting, I would ring him when i needed picking up. Didnt see him for 3 days.

Why are you even driving them?

I tossed mine when he acted like this. Best thing I ever did.

Do you love him?

(It doesn't sound like you have one single reason to!)

If not, become a single Mum - you're virtually being one already, only with the aggro provided by your "extra child" husband on top.

Look into your options re. finance and housing, possibly also getting a job and finding childcare and then decide if it's worth spending the rest of your DCs' childhoods feeling (justifiedly) resentful and used and unappreciated, or if you'd prefer striking out on your own.

You have to leave him. You are more than capable of bringing your children up alone and don’t need another child to look after

MMUmum

What a vile man. Is he still in your life?

Who does he usually get to sit around why you do everything? There his kids as well.
He sounds terribly selfish!
You poor thing. It’s not fair he’s so uncaring towards you when you’re not well.
I do think something needs to change.

Don't waste any more years on him, frankly he will just get worse - tell him exactly what you think, and that if he doesn't immediately make a plan to behave like a proper husband, tell him it's over and you are going to divorce him - and do it - life is short and you only get one chance - get rid of bad and you have a chance to let good in - good luck

Friend has a husband like this, her dc are now teens and she tells me they regularly ask her way she is still with their dad. They know she parents and he opts out. They are starting to really dislike their father. Hopefully your partner will change.

I divorced one like this op. And as a pp stated upthread he has very much framed the narrative that I poisoned the kids against him because now they don't want to see him. And he only had them two Saturday nights per month after we separated, when they were younger.

He did nothing with them or for them when they were little and now he's reaping what he's sown.

Life is way more bearable as a single parent

I had one like this. Couldn’t bear for me to be ill. It was as though he didn’t feel he wasn’t getting his “money’s worth” from me - figuratively speaking only as I always worked full time!

He’s an ex now.

Sorry @Happiestdogs but you are excusing your DH at every turn and throwing yourself under a bus here.

Stop it, it builds resentment. When studying take yourself off to the coffee shop and let the silly sod parent!

To be honest. I don't see why he cant make the trip there and back off his own back, he's being a fuckwit. And you should tell him so. If he is in the picture, he should pull his weight.