Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have ruined DH's day

139 replies

macaronipenguinn · 10/04/2022 12:52

Woke up in the night with a fever and headache. With paracetamol it was still only just under 38 so I asked DH if he could take DC to a birthday party, I would drop him off and return home with our other child, then pick him up.

Well, I have apparently massively inconvenienced him. Lots of chuntering about 'holding it all together' and 'I'm exhausted too, you know'.

This happens when I am ill. DH has only had to 'hold it all together' once in the last seven years, which is when I was literally incapacitated by vomiting for a day. A day. I got both DCs dressed this morning, I got up with them, did their teeth, made them breakfast. DH just has to sit at a kids party for a couple of hours, after which I will pick him up and bring him home.

I am nearly at breaking point with his selfishness and his absolute lack of empathy. I would literally be better off doing this all by myself, as I could just be ill, be a bit crap for a day or two but without anyone banging on and on at me about how much slack they've (not) been taking up.

I am dreading him coming back from this party and having to either pretend I feel ok or allow myself to feel a bit crap and rest on the sofa or bed. If I do the latter I will be given the pass agg treatment all day long. Sometimes it's just not worth it.

I have tested for covid, obviously, negative.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 10/04/2022 16:37

This woman has been serving this waste-of-oxygen, selfish prick for over 7 years… he is causing her and her children misery but she enables it - the solution for this is very simple. Stop enabling it.

I agree and made a post along those lines. This is far more like giving a child what they want all the time and then complaining, when they get to 10yo and you've never said no, that they have a massive tantrum.

AChocolateOrangeaday · 10/04/2022 16:38

It's not rocket science OP.

People treat you how you allow them to treat you.

Hope you are feeling better soon.

IntegrityisDead · 10/04/2022 16:40

@MerryMarigold - so now we must not expect adults ( if male) to behave better than children?

Ostryga · 10/04/2022 16:44

GET RID.

I am speaking from experience here - it is shit in the beginning. Very hard and tiring and you’ll think you regret it.

THEN everything will work out. I promise. I’m 5 years on from this kind of bullshit and I can’t begin to tell you how easy my life is now without a lazy, shite man in my life.

Please don’t put up with this. You are worth so much more. It is so so so so worth the tough times to come through the other side and love how you want.

Longdistance · 10/04/2022 16:49

Divorce him and then you can ruin every weekend for him 😉

DoItAfraid · 10/04/2022 16:55

@diddl

I must admit that I wouldn't be best pleased at having to spend part of Sunday at a kids party.

That said he'd be making arrangements to get there as I wouldn't be ferrying him about whilst unwell.

@diddl

Like you, I hate spending any portion of my weekend on kids’ parties.

However, I am a parent and I love my kids. My kids love parties. Why i dont know Grin but they do. So I do my fair share of them. If my husband was ill, more so. Sometimes I have 2/3 in one weekend Shock.

I love my kids though. And I love my husband. If he was ill - I would suck it up.

That is the difference I think.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 10/04/2022 16:58

Twat

Happiestdogs · 10/04/2022 17:02

I ruined my DH's too. He has been doing his hobby since 9am yesterday and got back about 11.30am today, when I took the kids out again to the shops so he could shave and have a long bath. I started doing the dinner but he asked to take over because he didn't want to engage with the kids. The kids came into the kitchen and he asked crossly what we were doing there when he was trying to do dinner. I explained that the kids had missed him and when I do dinner I do accept they may come in. He declared he had a headache and crossly said he'd already told me that (he has known I have had a chronic, serious headache for six months but never mentions it.)

He implied that he's going above and beyond because the man over the road doesn't seem to cook, and when I explained I saw him out with the kids at the same place as I was with the kids yesterday he poured me a glass of wine and said maybe that would stop me from standing there moaning at him while he does all the cooking.

FFS. I do believe when the kids are older our relationship will be different but he just doesn't want to engage with them for long at the moment. I didn't know this before we had kids, and before then if anything he did more for the relationship than me.

Happiestdogs · 10/04/2022 17:06

Oh, just in case you wondered, I haven't done my hobby since DC1 was born. DH works and only study but I can't wait to work a bit again so things are more equal, I posted before explaining how well things work but maybe I was wrong.

Happiestdogs · 10/04/2022 17:07

I only study

Sexnotgender · 10/04/2022 17:08

Well he sounds quite the catch!!

Fucks sake. Tell him to dry his eyes and look after his own bloody kids.

Go to bed and stay the fuck there until you feel better.

DoItAfraid · 10/04/2022 17:08

@DoctorManhattan

I’ve had a very tiring week from hell in work so would have loved to have had a lie-in on a Sunday but I got up at 7:30am and took DS to a football tournament from 8:30 to 12:30. Back home, got him lunch and going to do something with him now in afternoon as my wife is equally busy in work and needs to catch up on some stuff. This is basic parenting; we either both do it or we take turns to accommodate the other when we are snowed under with other things.

Your OH is failing to even make the basic grade; he has made parenting your task and his participation is then seen as a favour, and like all favours, he either expects gratitude, platitudes or some other acknowledgement of how he has gone out of his way to look after his own children. It’s ridiculous.

I’ve been to countless kids parties and when you’re not the organiser it’s hardly hard work. Turn up, get some tea and cake, kids have fun and you piss off home at the end

@DoctorManhattan

Thank you for speaking sense!

Bollindger · 10/04/2022 17:09

Agree with him, it works like a dream.
You agree it messed up his day, so going forward there will be changes, he is RIGHT you should both have ME time, so this coming week, your having Saturday as a ME day, he can have SUNDAY.
You plan to go out shopping, and will see them all AFTER tea time,

Sexnotgender · 10/04/2022 17:12

@Ostryga

GET RID.

I am speaking from experience here - it is shit in the beginning. Very hard and tiring and you’ll think you regret it.

THEN everything will work out. I promise. I’m 5 years on from this kind of bullshit and I can’t begin to tell you how easy my life is now without a lazy, shite man in my life.

Please don’t put up with this. You are worth so much more. It is so so so so worth the tough times to come through the other side and love how you want.

Hard agree. I ditched my useless man child.

My life was so much bloody easier.

I’m now married to a proper grown up.

DrSbaitso · 10/04/2022 17:21

@Happiestdogs

I ruined my DH's too. He has been doing his hobby since 9am yesterday and got back about 11.30am today, when I took the kids out again to the shops so he could shave and have a long bath. I started doing the dinner but he asked to take over because he didn't want to engage with the kids. The kids came into the kitchen and he asked crossly what we were doing there when he was trying to do dinner. I explained that the kids had missed him and when I do dinner I do accept they may come in. He declared he had a headache and crossly said he'd already told me that (he has known I have had a chronic, serious headache for six months but never mentions it.)

He implied that he's going above and beyond because the man over the road doesn't seem to cook, and when I explained I saw him out with the kids at the same place as I was with the kids yesterday he poured me a glass of wine and said maybe that would stop me from standing there moaning at him while he does all the cooking.

FFS. I do believe when the kids are older our relationship will be different but he just doesn't want to engage with them for long at the moment. I didn't know this before we had kids, and before then if anything he did more for the relationship than me.

What's the point of him?
Happiestdogs · 10/04/2022 17:22

@DoctorManhattan how do I get out of this cycle? I know I'm not the OP but I feel stuck. Last weekend my DH took my kids for two walks and once to the garden centre while I did coursework, and he has said that "he did a lot to help me last weekend so he doesn't expect to have to do much today", and that he is cooking as a favour (when he asked to take over - I mean I could have done it while watching the kids anyway, it's just a roast)

I don't work right now but will do very soon and full time once the kids are at school. Before kids I had longer hours and out earned him so I do understand the difference but I feel like at the moment he feels like I don't understand about man work stuff and sit on the sofa all day when actually when I'm doing uni work at night that means I never even watch tv for five minutes a month during a module, as soon as the kids are in bed I start working immediately.

RandomMess · 10/04/2022 17:32

HappiestDogs your post is so sad, he basically doesn't want to be a Dad to his DC SadAngry

You need to insist on equal leisure time and yours doesn't include studying Angry

SmellyOldOwls · 10/04/2022 17:37

[quote Happiestdogs]@DoctorManhattan how do I get out of this cycle? I know I'm not the OP but I feel stuck. Last weekend my DH took my kids for two walks and once to the garden centre while I did coursework, and he has said that "he did a lot to help me last weekend so he doesn't expect to have to do much today", and that he is cooking as a favour (when he asked to take over - I mean I could have done it while watching the kids anyway, it's just a roast)

I don't work right now but will do very soon and full time once the kids are at school. Before kids I had longer hours and out earned him so I do understand the difference but I feel like at the moment he feels like I don't understand about man work stuff and sit on the sofa all day when actually when I'm doing uni work at night that means I never even watch tv for five minutes a month during a module, as soon as the kids are in bed I start working immediately.[/quote]
You do work right now. When you start paid employment you'll just end up doing two jobs. If he picks up his share of household stuff when you're working I will eat my fucking hat. I'm really sorry, it's not your fault. Some men are so entitled and horrible and they take and take and use and abuse until there's nothing left in you.

Donotgogentle · 10/04/2022 17:40

Would it be an option (and for HappiestDogs) to say that in future to avoid this conflict you will each do the childcare for one day at the weekend, and rotate the day?

Shouldn’t be necessary but would force the issue?

DoctorManhattan · 10/04/2022 17:53

[quote Happiestdogs]@DoctorManhattan how do I get out of this cycle? I know I'm not the OP but I feel stuck. Last weekend my DH took my kids for two walks and once to the garden centre while I did coursework, and he has said that "he did a lot to help me last weekend so he doesn't expect to have to do much today", and that he is cooking as a favour (when he asked to take over - I mean I could have done it while watching the kids anyway, it's just a roast)

I don't work right now but will do very soon and full time once the kids are at school. Before kids I had longer hours and out earned him so I do understand the difference but I feel like at the moment he feels like I don't understand about man work stuff and sit on the sofa all day when actually when I'm doing uni work at night that means I never even watch tv for five minutes a month during a module, as soon as the kids are in bed I start working immediately.[/quote]
Honestly? I don’t know.

I don’t believe there is a magic fix for people like this who don’t seem to want to engage with their children, or realise that part of co-parenting is actually looking after them without being asked to do so. I say ‘people’, but what I really mean (as much as it shames me as a man to say it) - it’s usually men. Not always, but usually.

I think it boils down to selfishness really. It’s either in you or it isn’t. People who are selfish prioritise their own needs over those of their family - there’s nothing wrong with some downtime (be it hobbies, sports, Xbox, whatever) but it can’t be at the expense of the other parent’s own well being. Like all things in life, a healthy balance always helps maintain the optimum dynamic for everyone. If you’re not a selfish person, you don’t mind giving your time to your family and the reward (not that any is needed) is usually a healthy relationship with them - provided all parties are putting in the same effort.

In decades gone by it was accepted and almost excused as the woman’s job to raise the kids whilst the father worked during the week and had his pints and football and downtime at weekends. I’d hoped in 2022 that we’d moved far beyond that as a society but unfortunately all it’s done is highlight those fathers who still have an inherent level of selfishness and misogyny, even though they can no longer hide behind the facade of it being a societal norm.

Like absent fathers, they’re a feckless, useless bunch who unfortunately drag the rest of us down with them. I wish I could give them all a collective shake.

BOOTS52 · 10/04/2022 18:02

He is selfish and you need to make big changes as why should you be having to do it all and not even allowed to be ill without his passive aggressive arsy comments. Get yourself to bed and relax and just let him deal with things. Tell him how unfair he is acting and if he does not like it ask him to just go as could not be putting up with this selfish crap just so he could watch boring cricket or read the paper. He should be making you a cuppa in bed and making sure you are ok and not trying to make you feel guilty for being ill.

LumpyandBumps · 10/04/2022 18:22

He is exhausted too? So he acknowledges that you are also exhausted?
But his plans for the day were to sit on his backside doing nothing to parent or contribute towards the running of the household.
He was quite happy for you to exhaust yourself even further doing his share as well as yours?
What a prince!

Midlifemusings · 10/04/2022 18:25

Your husband apparently considers parenting an extra task versus being a parent. I don't know how it got this way but you can say no more and choose to do things differently. He can either adapt or you go your separate ways. I wouldn't enable this whining over him being expected to parent any longer.

Natty13 · 10/04/2022 18:29

[quote IntegrityisDead]@MerryMarigold - so now we must not expect adults ( if male) to behave better than children?[/quote]
But you can't change anyone, only yourself.

It's not saying men are no better than children it's saying ot's foolish to accept poor behaviour for years and then expect the poor behaviour to stop when you decide you've had enough. It won't. How do grown women keep needing this explained to them? Stop having kids with selfish men!

All the people who post these things yet never leave were raised to think it's normal to be treated like shit and are raising their own daughters to be the next generation of women who don't know their worth. Personally I want better for mine and ot starts with me.

Happiestdogs · 10/04/2022 18:52

@DoctorManhattan the thing is, before kids, if anything he pulled more weight. My career kept me in the office far more hours a day, he did all the cooking etc, plenty of shopping and housework. To me at least, it felt like we were a team though, and had equal leisure time at weekends. There were no conflicts at all and we were happy. I suspect I possibly was more selfish, as my career demanded a lot and so did my hobby, but I did try my best to make sure we had plenty of couple time and obviously his own time was unimpinged and he had plenty of it. I suspect this dynamic will return some day in the future as I'm retraining for hopefully a new career.

Since kids, I've changed a lot. All I want is the best for my kids, and I'm genuinely happy to have sacrificed my career (there were other considerations at the time) and any hobbies or social life. I never act martyred about that as I don't care in principle EXCEPT when DH acts like I'm being unreasonable for allowing the kids near him after he has had over 24 hours to himself. All I do ask, again in the interests of the kids as well as me, is that I have time to study (which I've funded myself) and that we appear at least to the kids to be a team. My DH is brilliant with them when he is with them, and they adore him, but has been quite open about "preferring to do almost anything else" other than play with them. As I say though he is great with them and sometimes takes DC1 to regularish hospital appointments so I don't have to take DC2 across the country. When DC1 was a baby he did absolutely nothing, never changed a nappy or ever got up in the night, but as she has got older he has become far more involved and puts her to bed now while I put DC2 to bed and I believe as they get older things will change.

I am not perfect and I struggle to assert myself (since I naturally put others first and can't understand not being met halfway) so instead I end up stewing and then shouting (not in front of the kids), so he has the moral high ground. I always admit this, and never ever act a martyr, I just don't understand why he can't at least appreciate what I do and meet me halfway. Neither child sleeps through and I always do the nights, but if he takes one ( so I'm up with one child instead of two) I only ever hear how tired he is the next day

He has been very supportive of me retraining (as long as it doesn't impact his own work or hobbies) and I'm grateful for that, and genuinely believe things will gradually change as the kids get older but I feel between a rock and a hard place. I don't believe it is in anyone's interests for us to split, and I don't want to, but I also don't want to continually be smoothing things over in front of them and feel like I don't know how to improve things.