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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have ruined DH's day

139 replies

macaronipenguinn · 10/04/2022 12:52

Woke up in the night with a fever and headache. With paracetamol it was still only just under 38 so I asked DH if he could take DC to a birthday party, I would drop him off and return home with our other child, then pick him up.

Well, I have apparently massively inconvenienced him. Lots of chuntering about 'holding it all together' and 'I'm exhausted too, you know'.

This happens when I am ill. DH has only had to 'hold it all together' once in the last seven years, which is when I was literally incapacitated by vomiting for a day. A day. I got both DCs dressed this morning, I got up with them, did their teeth, made them breakfast. DH just has to sit at a kids party for a couple of hours, after which I will pick him up and bring him home.

I am nearly at breaking point with his selfishness and his absolute lack of empathy. I would literally be better off doing this all by myself, as I could just be ill, be a bit crap for a day or two but without anyone banging on and on at me about how much slack they've (not) been taking up.

I am dreading him coming back from this party and having to either pretend I feel ok or allow myself to feel a bit crap and rest on the sofa or bed. If I do the latter I will be given the pass agg treatment all day long. Sometimes it's just not worth it.

I have tested for covid, obviously, negative.

OP posts:

oakleaffy · 10/04/2022 14:42

Oh OP, you dreadful wife and mother for daring to be ill.
That poor, poor man.
Maybe, if he’s a very good boy, he might get a party bag for being sooo helpful at the party.

DoctorManhattan · 10/04/2022 14:44

I’ve had a very tiring week from hell in work so would have loved to have had a lie-in on a Sunday but I got up at 7:30am and took DS to a football tournament from 8:30 to 12:30. Back home, got him lunch and going to do something with him now in afternoon as my wife is equally busy in work and needs to catch up on some stuff. This is basic parenting; we either both do it or we take turns to accommodate the other when we are snowed under with other things.

Your OH is failing to even make the basic grade; he has made parenting your task and his participation is then seen as a favour, and like all favours, he either expects gratitude, platitudes or some other acknowledgement of how he has gone out of his way to look after his own children. It’s ridiculous.

I’ve been to countless kids parties and when you’re not the organiser it’s hardly hard work. Turn up, get some tea and cake, kids have fun and you piss off home at the end

froufroufrou · 10/04/2022 14:46

You’re totally right.
He’s a waste of space now so what are the chances he’d change?
Can’t put a price on peace though!
Hugs to OP.

Threetulips · 10/04/2022 14:47

Surely he can listen to his podcast on his earphones at the party whilst the child is participating in whatever it is that is arranged so his entire day isn't actually ruined

That’s right love, sort it out for him.

WTF475878237NC · 10/04/2022 14:50

I’ve been to countless kids parties and when you’re not the organiser it’s hardly hard work. Turn up, get some tea and cake, kids have fun and you piss off home at the end

^ exactly. OP at least if you were divorced you'd be able to text a friend and ask if they wouldn't know if helping you out this once as you're ill.

brookstar · 10/04/2022 14:58

@diddl

I must admit that I wouldn't be best pleased at having to spend part of Sunday at a kids party.

That said he'd be making arrangements to get there as I wouldn't be ferrying him about whilst unwell.

I don't think anyone enjoys spending their weekends at kids parties but it's part of being a parent. Which is why most people in healthy relationships share this burden.

gumball37 · 10/04/2022 15:00

In contrast, I've been in bed for 16 hours (minus trips to the bathroom). My 15 yr old son gladly took care of his siblings last night because I was so sick. A child, was read more reasonably and understanding than your grown ass husband who actually helped create the children you're asking him to care for.... That's pathetic.

diddl · 10/04/2022 15:07

"I don't think anyone enjoys spending their weekends at kids parties but it's part of being a parent. Which is why most people in healthy relationships share this burden."

Well of course-you do it for the kids.

I suppose these things are mostly accepted by women who are the expected to attend if necessary.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 10/04/2022 15:11

I had to ask my husband to take our youngest to a party once because I had already committed to an away day with work.
He refused! Said he didn't want to do it, I was so embarrassed but had to swallow it and ask a friends husband to take my child along with his own to the party.

KosherDill · 10/04/2022 15:14

@WhereYouLeftIt

"I am dreading him coming back from this party and having to either pretend I feel ok or allow myself to feel a bit crap and rest on the sofa or bed. If I do the latter I will be given the pass agg treatment all day long. Sometimes it's just not worth it."

Serious question. What would he do if you responded to him with a 'fuck off'? It would spike his passive-aggressive bubble, surely? Have you ever responded to his passive-aggressiveness with anything other than trying to smooth things over, and if so, how did he respond?

Basically I'm a big believer in 'If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got'.

Excellent points.

Just tell him to stop whining and fuck off.

L0stinCyberspace · 10/04/2022 15:17

What if you stopped (being a martyr) and stood up to him? Did exactly half the parenting and told him you expect him to do the other half because it's his duty? That you weren't taking his pass ass crap anymore and didn't want to hear it?

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 10/04/2022 15:23

@Cuppaand2biscuits

I had to ask my husband to take our youngest to a party once because I had already committed to an away day with work. He refused! Said he didn't want to do it, I was so embarrassed but had to swallow it and ask a friends husband to take my child along with his own to the party.

I'd have found after this that there was an awful lot of stuff I 'didn't want to do' either. Pretty much everything that made his life easier, in fact.

OP, I recommend you do this from now on. Let him realise his easy life is no longer being facilitated.

BitOutOfPractice · 10/04/2022 15:23

I don’t know if anyone else has noticed this, but it seems to me that there is a very high proportion of lazy, useless, entitled men who can’t drive. There seems to be a really strong correlation.

brookstar · 10/04/2022 15:28

@diddl

"I don't think anyone enjoys spending their weekends at kids parties but it's part of being a parent. Which is why most people in healthy relationships share this burden."

Well of course-you do it for the kids.

I suppose these things are mostly accepted by women who are the expected to attend if necessary.

Not in my house or circle of friends. We accept a party invitation if we're free and we negotiate between us who will go. If one of us is busy the other one will take DS no fuss. If we're both free then we generally take turns or look at who has had the busiest week and could do with some down time. In DSs class there are only a few dads who don't seem to get involved in parenting but they stand out.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/04/2022 15:33

@BitOutOfPractice

My friend's lazy useless ex just learned to drive. After YEARS of not (now shes dumped him).

I concur with your theory.

Ionlydomassiveones · 10/04/2022 15:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

DrSbaitso · 10/04/2022 15:49

@macaronipenguinn

He had a lovely day planned reading the paper and listening to cricket and podcasts and I've fucked it by making him actively parent one of his own kids.

What was going to happen with the other child while you were at the party?

What's the point of this guy?

PonyPatter44 · 10/04/2022 15:50

What an utter wet-wipe this man is. Can't drive, can't look after his own kid for a couple of hours...what exactly CAN he do?

Nennypops · 10/04/2022 15:50

PLEASE rest. Put earphones in and close the door so you're unaware of the passive aggressive treatment. If he insists on coming in an moaning at you, hide under the bedclothes and pretend to be asleep. If that's impossible, tell him to grow the fuck up and learn how to parent his children.

Aldidl · 10/04/2022 16:03

It was the lack of support while ill that finally ended my friend’s marriage. Asking him to get the DCs out of bed in the morning because she was so poorly she really needed to stay in bed. “I’ll help, but I’m not doing it all for you” or similar was the reply. It was the cherry on the top of a large, shitty cake.

WTF475878237NC · 10/04/2022 16:03

Ionlydomassiveones

So you only empathise with people who have had no hand in their problems? Do you tell smokers with lung cancer sorry but I have zero sympathy for you? Don't post on a support forum then.

MsTSwift · 10/04/2022 16:09

Dh did everything for a week while I was on a girls trip then continued for 2 further weeks as I was ill with covid caught on said trip. So for 3 weeks. Not a whisper of complaint. Oh and he has a full time full on senior job. So your Dh can get to fuck!

BlueOverYellow · 10/04/2022 16:16

I'd tell him what you've said here: you're done with his selfishness and the marriage will not survive going forward without some serious changes in his attitude and behaviour.

2Hot2Handle · 10/04/2022 16:19

Given his reaction, I’d say it’s about time things were evened up. Put him down for more responsibilities with the kids’ social activities and other stuff, this time with advanced warning and a handy wall organiser for him to refer to. Then his timetable won’t be ruined, as he’ll be used to sharing childcare fairly and will ensure he checks what responsibilities he has, before he makes other plans. On the days that he has the commitments with the kids, plan something for yourself. And get some family days in together too.
Today, you don’t have to let any bad behaviour on his part get to you, if he chooses to sulk. If he’s passive aggressive, ignore the behaviour and behave yourself as if everything is perfectly normal and fine in the household. This will either demonstrate that his behaviour doesn’t have the desired effect on you, hopefully reprogramming him to react differently in future, OR, will cause him to be openly hostile, in which case you can ask him what’s wrong. Should be fairly simple to turn any gripes back round on him, with some pointed statement questions, along the lines of, “you’re angry, because the DC needed you to take them to a party, because I wasn’t feeling very well? Why?” “You’re upset because your plans to do your own thing, whilst I look after our DC went wrong? Why?”

Ionlydomassiveones · 10/04/2022 16:31

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

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