To be expected to work part time now that I am a mum

[Hollie93]

So, DH earns more money than me so we made a decision for me to drop my hours to facilitate child care. However, I am becoming resentful that he is able to do well in his career and mine hasn’t even started. I think what I need is other mums telling me they held off too , at least until youngest child started school? I’m early 30’s so not a spring chicken haha!..I now have a much clearer idea of what my chosen career is and will be able to achieve it working part time whilst kids are at school as I’ll need to retrain?

Can you tell me what kind of careers you have just to give me some ideas, and also how you got there

I think getting a list of careers and how people got there might be deeply unhelpful and irrelevant to you.

That's why I suggested career counselling. It actually sorts out what's important to you - money, lifestyle, power, autonomy - and helps you identify possible sectors with the qualifications and experience you have already. Sometimes it helps to highlight if you need to retrain.

What do you like doing? What are your salary expectations? Do you have any lifestyle needs that you would like to factor in? Those 3 questions might be able to give you a shortlist

I work in IT. Prior to children I'd worked in different roles across the sector, so I knew where my strengths were and where I did and didn't want to work. I'd progressed to a reasonably high level before I had children and was highly regarded so was able to negotiate flexible working to suit myself.

When I had my children I initially worked mornings only (22 hours a week), while they were in nursery. During this time, I'd say my career was stagnant, but tbh I didn't have the head space or inclination at that point to seek career progression. I then increased to school hours and later full time hours where I now work 3 days of school hours and 2 longer days (with DH covering the drop off and collection on my longer days). I've had a promotion since going full time and am now in the position of deciding if I'm happy to stay where I am or whether I want to seek a more senior role (which will almost inevitably involve changing companies). The more senior role would be for personal satisfaction if I do go or it - we are already financially comfortable. My (full time equivalent) salary throughout has been the same or higher than DH's, so I've always been in a position to support the family if need be. I do think women (well everyone, but it does mainly affect women) should put themselves in the position where they are able to be financially independent and not rely on anyone else (whether that's a partner or benefits), and it's something I'm trying to drum into my own daughter - in her case it's even harder as she is disabled, which immediately limits the scope of what she is physically able to do.

I’m training to be an accountant while working 3 days a week and I have a 1 year old!!

I already work in payroll and office management.

It’s not easy - I work away on my course nap times on my days off and evenings after baby is in bed - weekends

Can you tell me what kind of careers you have just to give me some ideas, and also how you got there

I thought you said you were set on midwifery? It sounds like you’re not all that keen on a career as much as you are just very miffed with what your husband said and perhaps having concerns about your marriage. Do you want to leave him? Would working part time actually be such an issue for you if things were better between you? I’m not saying this is a reason to not pursue a new career but you need to come at it from an honest place within yourself. No point saying you really want to be a midwife or set a good example for your children if that’s not really what this is about.

It's a choice.

You look at childcare as a household expense, alongside mortgage, utility bills and food. You book ft childcare, and add it to household budget, however Dh and you work that out. And you continue to work ft.

Or you let Dh dictate that childcare is your responsibility. So you need to drop hours and find care to cover those reduced hours from your wage or for family favours.

We didn't have family to help and dd went into ft childcare from 4 months old (standard mat leave was 14 weeks and I added a lathe unpaid). Childcare was always part of the family budget. (And beware, primary school was a lot more difficult to organise than baby/pre-school stages). But I kept doing my job FT and have just managed to finally get to the same level as dh (he started a couple of years before me and is private sector, whereas I was those critical couple of years behind and public sector). With a teen DC that we support equally.

In terms of where I was, I had 6 years experience in that job at that point and had 1 promotion under my belt - but was in a role requiring a lot of travel internationally. So I knew I would need to move internally most likely. But when dc was 9 months old, I won a promotion competition to do a masters and then go back to various different units in my Department. It took another 15 years to get my next promotion - which was partly but not entirely due to dc. (Significant impact of a really really crappy boss and the really good (!) job they did on my self esteem and self confidence also had a significant! Effect.)

I mostly focus on policy development, negotiation and legislation in my role. Across a wide range of issues.

OP you say you're set on midwifery but it seems like a hard slog for pay that will be capped at about 50k? Unless it's a real vocation it might be easier to consider a role in IT?

If you were to train in cyber security for example the pay would be much higher and you could probably get a job wfh if that's what you wanted.

Look at Microsoft PowerApps, SharePoint or CRM developer roles - the salaries are going through the roof and you could pick your own hours.

But don’t you need experience to get into those types of jobs? I’ve never really understood what people do when they say they work in IT?

I spent 8 years at home with mine. Loved it and don't regret it. I have recently retrained, in my 40s, and loving it. I didn't know what I wanted to do before kids, so I suppose that made it easier. Money was tight at times but it was worth it. Not only did I get to be with my kids but there was less stress too. We both work ft now, with teens, and it's relentless.

@crossstitchingnana what did you do before becoming a parent?

I can’t decide if I should go for money or a vocation? How do you make the decision?

I’m going for a combination of the two, I’m retraining for money (salaries about £60k) in my own time (in a subject I’m naturally good at) but whilst the babies are young (2 under 2) I’m ticking along in a nice super flexible role that I enjoy which is £30k FT.

I’m 29 so a lot of work left in me yet.

What type of work does your DH do?

I work in IT. I run a big company now but had a variety of technical roles.

There is a good thread on IT here with good advice and links to resources.

Yes you can get promotions when you are part time. Obviously it might depend on where you work and what you do.

It sounds like your DH was the one who had the career / earned more before you started having kids?

OP what qualifications do you have? Can’t you work way up in Facilities Management? You do seem to having a lot of random thoughts and very little evidence of coherent planning. The issue is your marriage, is it not?

Facilities management has heaps of opportunities I worked in that for years and managed huge offices !! Then I side stepped to the finance team in one of those offices and ended up doing payroll and various other things and now they are paying for my college courses

I don’t know why you don’t think facilities isn’t a career option there’s heaps of opportunities in it

I only work 3 days and I’ve not been skipped over for promotions and stuff

What qualifications do you have?

Since my DH said what he said it has given me a huge wake up call and I need to do something, no issues in marriage I am just desperate for that independence away from him. If he leaves (which I don’t think he will) I need to come out on top, not worse off.

I’ve just checked it put and you actually need a degree to become a facilities coordinator

Look take a step back. You need to get structured, have a plan, you seem all over the place, completely scatter gun.

If you did a 5 minute Google/ LinkedIn search, there will probably some kind of career survey that focuses on what is important to you E.g money, fulfillment etc. Then you can look from there.

I just think that at the moment you are conflating 'potential' marriage breakdown with financial security with career fulfillment when all can be mutually exclusive

DH and I work in the same field but I went part time after DC. We made this decision together because we felt for our family we were better prioritising one career over penalising both (by both being part time).

On the whole I was happy with the decision but there were times when I watched him moving up career wise that I felt somewhat unfulfilled, for definite.

However my dc are now junior school age and - though I’m still part-time - my career is really taking off again. I’m mid 30s and still have another 30ish years to work - that’s plenty of time to do all sorts with my career if I want to.

Might be worth finding a careers coach or advisor. Doing some research and find 0ut what you really want to do. Perhaps nursing degree then conversion to midwifery may offer more diverse opportunities.

I don’t understand why I am panicking so much? I made a decision to go part time and that’s ok? Why all of a sudden is it bothering me that DH is working his way up?

I feel I want so much more now…why? I’ve never felt it before?

300 posts and not one single mention of the dedicated Mature Study and Retraining board, here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mature_students

Tut!