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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be expected to work part time now that I am a mum

347 replies

Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 10:59

So, DH earns more money than me so we made a decision for me to drop my hours to facilitate child care. However, I am becoming resentful that he is able to do well in his career and mine hasn’t even started. I think what I need is other mums telling me they held off too , at least until youngest child started school? I’m early 30’s so not a spring chicken haha!..I now have a much clearer idea of what my chosen career is and will be able to achieve it working part time whilst kids are at school as I’ll need to retrain?

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MiddleParking · 10/04/2022 16:03

I wouldn’t think about wanting your kids to be ‘proud of you’, I don’t think that’s how most people think of their parents. They will care about how present you are in their lives and how much money the family has though (sorry). I don’t think midwifery will score particularly well in either stakes, and it doesn’t sound like you’re that sold on it anyway.

Calmdown14 · 10/04/2022 16:04

I think you need to take all the 'what ifs' off the table and focus on what you actually want. Do you want to be a midwife?

I have several mum friends who have retrained as midwives so it's definitely possible. The long shifts mean most do only two or three a week so have time with the kids but are still clocking up decent hours.

Perhaps you need a short term plan A and a longer term plan B?
I don't really see what you'd gain from going full time if you plan on retraining and if you give up part time hours you may not get them back. Use any spare time you have to start getting used to learning. The Future Learn platform has some good free short courses.

Come September you'll have proper focus. I think resentment isn't necessarily the right word for where you are. You sound more confused about where you want to head and trying to make big life decisions is stressful. You can become a midwife if you want to but you'll need a lot of hard work and your husband's support. If he's on board with that then you just have a few months to knock in before you start heading on a more positive future path

UndertheCedartree · 10/04/2022 16:05

I did my nurse training as a mum. It is a very full time course but will be easier for you if you don't need to work alongside. I would do it while the DC are younger as it is easier if they are in longer hours at nursery. What is the wrap around care like at school? Will your DH be able to do drop offs/pick ups and look after the DC when you work nights and weekends?

WTF475878237NC · 10/04/2022 16:06

You are using the word failure to describe yourself because you don't live up to some standards you've internalised. EG. you had healthy self esteem you might think " I'm doing brilliantly embarking on a new career whilst I have a baby! "

MollyRover · 10/04/2022 16:07

@Hollie93

Why do you think the problem here is my self esteem?
Because you've said you feel like a failure and need your children to be proud of you for your career?
Original poster
Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 16:07

I could go full time where I am, I’m just scared it isn’t what I really want and I’ll regret it?

And I had my eldest at 26, before that I reckon I had a good chance of a promotion but was too bothered about my pregnancy. I think I had a fairy tale view but now I NEED to know I can provide for my kids if my husband decides to be a loser and run off with the skinny blonde! Haha

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Original poster
Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 16:08

Don’t know why I put haha…not funny

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Original poster
Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 16:09

My DH can finish early twice and my mum is around and MIL one day?

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Autumn42 · 10/04/2022 16:09

@Hollie93

I just feel like such a failure because I didn’t establish my career and earning amazing money before children
I don’t mean to be harsh but start appreciating what you have and stop creating imaginary problems. You have by the sound of it a life many high flying career women dream of not to mention the opportunity of now pursuing your career dreams. You can’t assume everything would of turned out better if you’d of done things differently. It’s not as if your path is different to that of many other women. Honestly just enjoy what you have and go for whatever else you want to do, best of luck!
Original poster
Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 16:10

I just get the impression that your a failure if you don’t establish a career before kids and are successful..or is that only for people who want it? I don’t know?

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Original poster
Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 16:12

@Autumn42 I need that…thank you xx

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Neveragain85 · 10/04/2022 16:13

Childcare should be a shared cost between both parents, it's so expensive. I don't get why you pay for it all

Quartz2208 · 10/04/2022 16:25

It doesnt matter what others do or what others consider to be a success or a failure - it only matters what YOU do.

So what do you want. Not what you think you want or what you think you should want.

What you actually want. Because it is different for different people. Once you know that you can start to figure out the rest

Beelezebub · 10/04/2022 16:26

Paying for childcare isn’t your responsibility - the children are as much his as yours, you’re married so the money is household money and childcare is a household expense. The social expectation about what women ‘should’ do about work after they’ve had children disappeared decades ago.

You’re in a spectacularly enviable position.

There is enough household income where you can literally choose to either go full time, part time, stop work altogether to avoid childcare costs, retrain completely (either while staying in work or not), work towards a high-earning career or a job that’s more vocational - good god, people would kill for the opportunities you have.

Instead you’re inventing issues from nothing to avoid making a decision and fretting about non-existent judgment about what people are ‘supposed’ to have done before having children.

Stop wringing your hands and make the most of the chances you have.

Talk to your husband, involve him in the decision, but do something.

MononokesWolf · 10/04/2022 16:31

I regret stepping aside from my career development in favour of now Ex H. It put me in a vulnerable position post divorce and less time to accumulate pension. Don't delay in your retraining, you will absolutely not regret it!

burnoutbabe · 10/04/2022 16:32

@Hollie93

I just get the impression that your a failure if you don’t establish a career before kids and are successful..or is that only for people who want it? I don’t know?
well most people don't have "a career" or are wildly successful. they just mill along doing a job.

If you got 3 As and went to oxford and then did nothing until 26 when you became a mum, then probably people would have expected you to have had an amazing career before having kids. But most people leave school at 18 and fall into something.

What was your school career to 26 like?

Bogofftosomewherehot · 10/04/2022 16:36

@Hollie93

Another thing, my current job is shifts, 7-3, 8-4, 9-5. 12-8…if I was to go full time how would that work? Oh and 1 in 5 weekends x
So when you're doing clinical placements as part of your degree how will your cover childcare and pick-ups? When you're a midwife you'll be doing 12-13hr shifts so again - you'll need to cover this.
Original poster
Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 16:41

I went to college and did A levels, then became a pharmacy technician, hated the pay so left that at 25 and got a job in facilities management which is where I am now

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Original poster
Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 16:43

I just can’t make a decision what to do, I don’t know if I should go for money by staying where I am, or do something I would enjoy?

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Original poster
Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 16:43

@Bogofftosomewherehot I suppose going full time in my current job will give me a feel of midwife shifts?

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Original poster
Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 16:45

I really don’t want to regret not doing it and then being divorced later? I can’t talk to DH about this really.

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Original poster
Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 16:45

He is prepared to support me through my training though we have already talked about that.

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RedskyThisNight · 10/04/2022 16:45

I could go full time where I am, I’m just scared it isn’t what I really want and I’ll regret it?

And this is the crux of it. It sounds like you've enjoyed spending more time with your DC while they were small and have been able to keep your career ticking over. You now have the option to either seek promotion in your current job or retrain into a new one .... but basically you are scared of stepping outside of your comfort zone. This is totally natural! But you need to acknowledge that this is the issue rather than wasting mental energy on resenting DH, when all he has done is known where he has wanted to go and gone and done it. There's no indication in any of your posts that he would stop you pursuing what you want to do? In fact you seem to be in an enviable financial position which means you have options that are not available to others.

Original poster
Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 16:47

The next step up for me would be a faculties coordinator which is about 35k I believe

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Original poster
Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 16:48

I think I’m just pissed off with him at the minute as he made a comment that I wouldn’t manage without him 🙄 prick

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