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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be expected to work part time now that I am a mum

347 replies

Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 10:59

So, DH earns more money than me so we made a decision for me to drop my hours to facilitate child care. However, I am becoming resentful that he is able to do well in his career and mine hasn’t even started. I think what I need is other mums telling me they held off too , at least until youngest child started school? I’m early 30’s so not a spring chicken haha!..I now have a much clearer idea of what my chosen career is and will be able to achieve it working part time whilst kids are at school as I’ll need to retrain?

OP posts:

Aaaabbbcccc · 10/04/2022 14:50

I don’t even know why you would think that for a second. Get on a with a full time career. How can this even be a serious question in this day and age? Don’t get caught in this trap. It is what allows men to say that their careers are more important. Earn more then him - that is the best solution. Can’t do that? Get a full time job with the same hours as his and work out who does which night for pick ups etc. if you don’t work full time now it is a slippery slope and you will spend years clawing it back, both in your career and your marriage. If you are not ambitious, fine, but if you are, you need to get cracking now.

Aaaabbbcccc · 10/04/2022 14:51

@Hollie93

Do you think most women establish a career before kids or do it this way?

Career before kids

Aaaabbbcccc · 10/04/2022 14:53

@Hollie93

Another thing, my current job is shifts, 7-3, 8-4, 9-5. 12-8…if I was to go full time how would that work? Oh and 1 in 5 weekends x

I’d say get a different job

Nothappyatwork · 10/04/2022 14:54

The other issue of course as well is this that they stop seeing you as an equal when you’re working part time or not working at all and when some little skinny minx at his work has all the time in the world to listen to his lets be honest bullshit about his life and she’ll seem more exciting and fresh and interesting compare to the wife at home. I’m sorry I know that’s a bit brutal but it happens so often it’s almost a boring old narrative .

Shinyandnew1 · 10/04/2022 15:09

@Hollie93

I really wasn’t interested pre kids, just cared about money if I’m honest

So your lack of career can’t be attributed to prioritising your husband or kids for the last 4 years.

Do you know what midwives earn? How does this compare to what you’d earn in your current job full time?

JenniferBarkley · 10/04/2022 15:12

OP I've only read your posts. Of course you can expect your DP to pay for childcare. He's had it very easy so far, I'm guessing he hasn't done many pick ups and drop offs or sick days. Bet you do most of the housework and take the brunt of the mental load.

Part time is great if it works for you. If it doesn't you're perfectly entitled to up your hours.

We're both full time. It's hard but it's right for us.

elbea · 10/04/2022 15:13

I couldn’t carry my career on in Estate and Farm Management after having children. DH is a soldier so it just wouldn’t work, even though I could earn more he loves his job and I wasn’t too bothered either way.

I have a part time job for a Parish Council managing their assets and open spaces, have progressed my career, am carrying out qualifications and have just been promoted - all on a part time, 100% flexible contract. It isn’t exactly what I was doing before but the skills were transferable and I know once I qualify I can look at jobs paying £50k+ plus in a few years once my children are older and then go from there into higher paid local government roles.

Brefugee · 10/04/2022 15:17

Pretty much. There are exceptions to the rule of course, but statistically it will likely take a hit.

only because we continue to let that happen, though. Looking at OPs hours, there is room there for less paid-for childcare if the DH steps up (one in 5 weekends, for starters) and use of wrap around, before and after school clubs etc etc.

I'm glad to note a pp up there did what we did - equal time off for a sick child (much easier where we live) and so on. You both have to be on board with this.

But another thing, OP, you don't have to have a high-flying career for your children to be proud of you. Cildren don't know what you do anyway - when i worked in finance my (small) children thoght i worked in computers becuse they saw my office had a computer in it.

Original poster

Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 15:19

I honestly really want to be a midwife…I can’t see myself doing anything else, or even nursing…I know I will enjoy it

OP posts:

Original poster

Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 15:21

Does anybody manage these shifts with childcare?

OP posts:

babyjellyfish · 10/04/2022 15:25

I do work, I work 24 hours per week but feel
I’ve been shoved in this position as my DH earns double what I earn and more so my wages wouldn’t even pay for full time childcare!

Childcare is a joint expense, not yours alone.

Threeboysandadog · 10/04/2022 15:32

I’m not sure this is really about prioritising dh’s job, going full time or retraining. I think this is more about your self esteem, self belief and the way you feel about yourself.

I established my career (nursing) before having children, went back when the first 2 were 14 weeks, took a scale and pay cut to change direction (still nursing) just before I discovered dc3 was on the way, returned when he was 8 months and worked my way to a senior position before some health issues forced early retirement.

I have friends who did as I did and are still working, friends who went part time, friends who established new careers with small dc and friends who gave up work when they had dc’s and have never returned.

All of these are valid options. All of them are hard work and involve an element of sacrifice and your children will be proud of you what ever path you choose as you will be of them.

If you are really set on doing Midwifery then you should look into what it involves, what funding is available etc. but you sound as if you are not completely decided on this. Could you have a look at job fairs/careers conventions and investigate what’s out there that might be for you with a view to starting a new career or diversifying in your current one once your dc are in full time school? But… you have to believe in yourself for others to believe in you (or at least be good at pretending).

Threeboysandadog · 10/04/2022 15:33

Ok, cross post. If you really want to be a midwife then start investigating what’s available.

Littleorangeflowers · 10/04/2022 15:34

I'm a mature student. Single mother. Benefits. Husband left. Absolutely insanely skint. Money covers bills and essentials. But give it another year I'll hopefully have the job I want. It's hardcore. But could be very very worth it. Pay the long game.

Also. The perfection thing. Kids don't want a perfect mother. They want a real one with all the problems and humanity this comes with. They're also older for a lot longer than they are young. They are expensive. iPhones. Uni. Etc. I know younger years are important. But so are the older years.

Also think about student loan.

Littleorangeflowers · 10/04/2022 15:37

And think about your finances. Pool everything and have family money, joint account, separate savingseach out of family money, separate pensions, life insurance, children's savings. Have a money overhaul. All bills are joint bills out of joint account including childcare. Childcare bill not yours alone?!

TicTac80 · 10/04/2022 15:43

@Hollie93

Does anybody manage these shifts with childcare?

I’m a nurse. I did my training when my eldest was 3, but my folks were alive then and helped with childcare whilst I was retraining. Got qualified, married, had another DC and then spent 5yrs juggling like mad. XH walked and i was able to renegotiate my FT hours to coincide with youngest DC’s childcare hours. However I’ve worked for the same Trust for nearly 24yrs. It’s hard work but do-able x

Autumn42 · 10/04/2022 15:49

In a nutshell you can can student loans and will get the 5k bursary so hopefully should cover childcare if your Dh can cover same bills would cover if you were at home full time. You’ll be doing shifts in your training so will your Dh be available to cover hours which nurseries and childminders don’t or can you cover those unsocial hours between him and family?
Once qualified it’s an incredibly fulfilling but incredibly stressful job, after initial year which would recommend working full time to gain experience, you’ll probably want to go part time anyway as is an exhausting job.
It’s a very difficult course to get on, a very demanding course once your on it but go for it if it’s what you want to do. I don’t know why your thinking mothers are expected to work part time and what this has to do with anything

Original poster

Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 15:53

I just feel like such a failure because I didn’t establish my career and earning amazing money before children

OP posts:

11stonesomething · 10/04/2022 15:55

This reply has been deleted

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Shinyandnew1 · 10/04/2022 15:57

@Hollie93

I just feel like such a failure because I didn’t establish my career and earning amazing money before children

Why are you only bothered about this now? Who are you comparing yourself to?

Do all of your friends from school have highly paid jobs? Do your friends now?

If you have never been bothered about a big career in the past, why now?

Original poster

Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 15:57

What is ‘building a path’ have I not already done that? My manager seems keen to progress me and been speaking to the learning development team?

OP posts:

Shinyandnew1 · 10/04/2022 15:58

@Hollie93

What is ‘building a path’ have I not already done that? My manager seems keen to progress me and been speaking to the learning development team?

Why don’t you just go full time where you are then?

WTF475878237NC · 10/04/2022 15:59

I just feel like such a failure because I didn’t establish my career and earning amazing money before children

^ but your career will be established before they're adults so what's the problem? You're doing great!

Piper22 · 10/04/2022 16:01

I think that most people who wait to have their children in their early 30s have usually spent time working their way up a career ladder or have spent time training in their chosen profession. What were you doing during your 20s?

Original poster

Hollie93 · 10/04/2022 16:02

Why do you think the problem here is my self esteem?

OP posts:

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