To be expected to work part time now that I am a mum

[Hollie93]

So, DH earns more money than me so we made a decision for me to drop my hours to facilitate child care. However, I am becoming resentful that he is able to do well in his career and mine hasn’t even started. I think what I need is other mums telling me they held off too , at least until youngest child started school? I’m early 30’s so not a spring chicken haha!..I now have a much clearer idea of what my chosen career is and will be able to achieve it working part time whilst kids are at school as I’ll need to retrain?

It's really, really hard to get onto midwifery courses. My niece tried and everyone that got onto the course already had nursing degrees. It's worth having a back up plan.

Even when you have a career, having children often holds it back.

Stop looking at other women and decide what kind of life and career you want. You have 35 years left to work. There's loads of time yet!

I work part time in a decent job but won't progress now as I'm part time. It doesn't bother me because it provides a decent work life balance and quite frankly the steps up and extra stress is not something I want in my life now. It means living in a smaller house and no exotic holidays but that's fine for me. Others choose differently in line with what makes them happy.

You sound like you've had children relatively young so that will put you in a strong position to do something different like midwifery. Had you waited til late 30s and built a life dependent on a high income that option wouldn't be open to you.

I'm not sure why you are so down on your life choices. You clearly have the potential to do more if you want to so go and use it but don't dwell on not having done it earlier.
Mumsnet is useful for opening your eyes to what can go wrong but don't let it spoil your life when there isn't actually anything wrong!

@Hollie93

I think I’m just pissed off with him at the minute as he made a comment that I wouldn’t manage without him 🙄 prick

well he clearly couldnt manage without you though either - if you do or pay for all the childcare.

Did you point that out to him

[quote Hollie93]@Autumn42 I need that…thank you xx[/quote]
Absolutely go for what your heart is set on and feels all round best, whether that be being at home with your little ones, working part time or training to be a midwife. Do stop worrying about Dh and expectations of you, failure etc. If you do become a midwife, you’ll one day sit in a room with a newly pregnant woman and be trying to hold back your own tears as she tells you about the drugs, alcohol, abusive ex etc that led to her older children being taken had adopted away years before, children who she loved but she’ll never get back and it will give you a slightly different perspective. As for dh, I’ve been a single mother and tbh with tax credits (now UC) it wouldn’t of made a difference how much I earned so wasn’t really any better off in terms of what could give the children as a single parent before or after I’d qualified. So trying to plan for just in case your Dh runs off with a skinny blonde isn’t really a reason to rush things or go full time if you’d actually like a bit more time at home with the children. Don’t feel bad about Dh supporting you either, your in a partnership and hopefully for the long term. If the tables were turned hopefully you’d be supportive of him too. Sounds like your lucky enough on the childcare side, generally you’ll be doing 3 long shifts a week while on placement but that won’t be all year around, just blocks at a time and many placements will be on community which is usually 9-5 so as long as you’ve got enough childcare support on top of nursery&childminders to patch together cover for the occasional nights/weekends/early mornings you’ll need you’ll be ok. Good luck and take care xx

[quote Hollie93]@Bogofftosomewherehot I suppose going full time in my current job will give me a feel of midwife shifts?[/quote]
Spend some time doing voluntary work with midwives, or look for weekend maternity assistant roles. You don't stand a cats chance in hell of getting a place otherwise. It would also give you an idea of the reality of the job.

I'm roughly your age and I didn't have a high flying career before kids, in fact I didn't like my job and earned about £26k full time. We couldn't afford for me to work part time, ever.
When I went on mat leave I took a distance course leading to a professional qualification and studied after DD was in bed or while she napped in the day. I also did volunteer work for a charity in the field I wanted to work in, that was from home as well.
Then I went back to my old job full time and applied for other jobs in the meantime. I've just landed my first job in the new field I wanted to work in. I'm still not on an amazing salary but it's more than my previous job and there's lots of scope for moving up. Working FT was fine for me because I've had flexible employers and DH and I were able to work some opposite shifts, so DD only does to nursery 3 days. My new job offers flexible working as standard, you don't even have to negotiate it.
Like me, you're still so young and you have time to build your career, even with kids in tow. You're already in a great position because you don't have the financial pressure of needing to work full time, so you can take your time to retrain or do CPD for your current job. So go for it!

OP I have read all your posts and feel that you might benefit from careers counselling - you can often get this at your local college (make sure there are mature students that go there so they're used to people over 18) or pay for it privately.

You need to know what trumps what for you - is it earning a lot of money? (You talk about your finances A LOT). Is it caring for others? Your DC or patients.

No one ever went into midwifery / nursing to be a millionaire, however, they get a lot of personal fulfillment.

The women I know who are earning over £100k or £200k all got that big promotion pre having children so they could pay for a nanny or their OH became the primary care giver. They have then gone on to further promotions since as they are established at that Director management level. TBH I don't know any women who got that big 1st promo after having children. It still pisses me off as women have to 'peak' earlier than men to be able to have children and continue on the same career trajectory.

My DH and I discussed who would have the 'career'. It was obvious it would be DH, he is a workaholic and earns nearly 4 times my salary. I too don't have to work but I choose to work full time, in a job I mostly enjoy. We are a team and I didn't think of him leaving me when making this decision but how it would best work for our family.

Good luck

You’ve got years of working ahead of you. If midwifery would make you happy then retrain. In all honesty it is much easier to establish yourself in a career pre-children when you can put the hours in guilt free but you’ve made choices about starting a family relatively young. That doesn’t mean you’re a failure- you just chose differently and you’ll likely get a bit of freedom back by the time you’re in Your mid 30s when othehers might be just heading off on mat leave. You just need to accept you’re doing things in a slightly different order and crack on.

I second the idea of career counselling.

You seem a bit lost, @Hollie93, and prone to talk yourself down...

I remember reading What Color is Your Parachute many years ago and I think it had some useful ideas.

Another book I found useful is The Six Pillars of Self Esteem.

I don’t know any woman in my circle even very distant and hat earn 100-200k if I’m honest. I just want to be able to pay for my kids if the shit hit the fan

I am South East /London based and know quite a few female lawyers and accountants - but I guess it's . In my sector, retail, there are quite a few women who are high earners but got that critical big promotion pre children.

You keep mentioning finances in lots of posts - do you think salary will be your most important attribute in a job? In which case, I would look at other options as well as the NHS /care sector

*but I guess it's all relative to which region you live in

I worked part time for 11 years until youngest was at secondary school. During this time I qualified in a new career but it was bloody hard doing it part time and my pension is non-existent and career opportunities have been limited. On the positive side life was less stressful as we didn't have any family help locally so this meant we could afford childcare for just a few days.
I changed jobs several times just to get more flexibility and actually my profession was not really the one I would have gone for if child free.
Now I'm older I can see it disadvantaged my career and I will probably never fulfil my potential . But I did enjoy being around half the week for the children.
It's a balance and does usually work out less favourably for one parent

OP - approach it with different mindset - i have a career where reduced hours or extended time out means a huge amount - when dickhead EX left, no close family - think another country - I needed solutions.

Remove DF from the equation and sort it out yourself.

Combination of child minder, live out au pair ( my saving grace!), OAP next door neighbour, fab school mum when he was at school, 2 days in nursery etc - I got to school age. It costs but combo working cn come out cheaper. I adapted hours worked like dog when in work, left on time, brought work home etc etc

Don't think of it as a couple, think of it as your war. Minimal take home after child care costs is now reaping its rewards down the line. Excellent salary and I can now afford the nice things without budgeting to the max( and new DP helps on that front aswell) MY food budget was tight - i was voucher queen, bulk meals cooker, freezer queen and new clothes a luxury for 4 years.

RE jig your thinking you will be surprised what you can do

Good luck - do not accept seconds.

I don’t know anyone who went back full time after maternity leave.

Oh and put half the child care bill on his account in his name - they soon get the message. I did not have that luxury but you do.

Make him accountable for his DCS - EX did not get his high flying career nd time to devote to it was down to me being the multi tasking wonder woman that I am!

He does now as his EX who he left me for and he has a DC with - screws him for monies and time on her demands not planned all and hoc and she will dump DC on him as he is heading for work because she is out getting her nails done and from friends he has been heard to say - he has been a dickhead!

I don’t know anyone who went back full time after maternity leave

Your point?

Plenty of women do go back full time after mat leave. Most women I work with have, PT is the exception.

I did - nearly killed me!

My DCS know I work my butt of for them and they know where the money comes from.

Missed 2 school plays in primary - both now secondary, I may have been there at the back for the last 10 mins but there I was. I have made Easter bonnets at 0200, driven with DCs to Asda for superhero costumes at 2300 at night, baked cakes, decorated eggs, built volcanoes etc

MY lack of gym attendance has been sacrificed on the devotion to my DCS!

@Finallylostit you sound amazing 🥰

Any other life tips…throw them my way..I love it when women come together 💗

Can you tell what you do and how you got here and what you like about it etc?

There**

I haven’t read the whole thread because I can’t be bothered

If you want a career etc then go get one, go back to work full time, childcare costs are joint so he can cough up half

I had a career already before children, as did all my friends. We have all continued working and use childcare, quite a few of the women earn more than their husbands. Its quite common to do 4 days a week.

Nope nope and nope!

I refused to drop my hours as I had just got a promotion. I compress them so I only work u til 2pm Tuesday.

I have 3 under 3 and our childcare bill is £3k a month. Short term hurt, long term gain!!!