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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family relationship not what I thought

127 replies

ilovemyboyxx · 10/04/2022 03:31

So I live overseas in Canada. Me and hubby moved out here in 2019 just before the pandemic. Since being here we have had a baby boy in 2021. My family was going to visit me in 2020 but couldn't because of the pandemic so I took my DS on a 2 month trip to England to visit them last year.

My sister has a DD aged 2, and she relies heavily on my mum for childcare. To cut a long story short, I had a dreadful trip back to the UK as my family barely helped me with my son, resulting in being exhausted. To the point I snapped and broke down at my mum a few times saying I needed help. And nothing really changed, I got to the point I had to change my flights to return to Canada sooner to be with with hubby.

I'm now pregnant again and babe is due in Oct, none of my family have mentioned coming over. I'm really hurt by this. I have found whilst being overseas that all my friends seem to have such a positive and strong relationship with their mums, and I just feel like she is not the person I thought she was, and it hurts.

AIBU thinking my mum should visit me?

OP posts:

fossilsmorefossils · 10/04/2022 03:36

You're not unreasonable but it doesn't sound like something you have any control over.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Seafog · 10/04/2022 03:36

That sounds really tough, what part of Canada are you in? I'm out in BC.
It's hard when you don't have family around, especially when going through such a big change.
Can you ask your mum to come over for a few weeks?

Oneortwo2022 · 10/04/2022 03:37

Your mum provides regular childcare that your sister relies upon. If she leaves the country for a few weeks where will your niece go? You can’t just enrol in nursery for a month.

Original poster

ilovemyboyxx · 10/04/2022 03:42

@Seafog

That sounds really tough, what part of Canada are you in? I'm out in BC. It's hard when you don't have family around, especially when going through such a big change. Can you ask your mum to come over for a few weeks?

Thanks for the reply. Im in AB, I'm not loving it to be honest and do want to return to the UK in Aug 2023.

The thing is, I don't want to ask for her to come. I know it sounds silly, but just they way they were when I was there, left a bad taste in mouth and I don't want to ask for her help.

A very sad realisation for me is that I am not now going back to the UK for my family, but more for my identity.

OP posts:

Wartywart · 10/04/2022 03:43

Sorro to hear this. You must be very disappointed. Don't bother visiting again - at least not till your children are older when things will be easier for you.

Original poster

ilovemyboyxx · 10/04/2022 03:43

@Oneortwo2022

Your mum provides regular childcare that your sister relies upon. If she leaves the country for a few weeks where will your niece go? You can’t just enrol in nursery for a month.

Sorry I should say, sisters did is in daycare. My mum just has her a lot such as evenings, she will sleep, I'm guessing 2x per week. And I think on sat's when my sis works.

OP posts:

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 10/04/2022 06:26

(this first bit is very blunt, forgive me, I don't mean to be harsh)
So you moved overseas and had a baby. Then you came home for two months with the baby. Did you actually tell your mum you couldn't manage the baby alone and needed her help before flying home?
And if you couldn't manage one child, why are you having another?
Is this actually about your sister still being near your mum and being closer? And homesickness. And lack of a support network in Canada.
Maybe your mum missed you terribly when you went, but didn't say so, and has always thought you were happy and have everything sorted in your new life abroad. Also, could she afford to come to see you?
If you want her to come, tell her! She's not a mind reader. Or call/face time her and have a heart to heart. Tell her how you felt and feel now, and see what she says.
This seems like a situation that could be very different from opposite sides of that makes sense, but could be sorted out (or at least made clearer) by a good long talk.

autienotnaughty · 10/04/2022 07:05

If you want them to come I would say something generic like "it would be lovely if you could visit when baby is born. I can imagine the 2m visit was stressful it's a long time with family in one go. Your sister sees a lot more of them than you do do it's natural she will have an easier relate. Hopefully if you move back you can build up same

whiteroseredrose · 10/04/2022 07:28

It's an unfortunate consequence of moving so far away.

Did you not think about what would happen when you had DC when you decided to emigrate?

My grandparents had a good relationship with my Canadian cousins, but my Uncle and Aunt came back with them twice a year. My grandparents only went to Canada twice in 30 years.

In contrast PIL have no relationship at all with their Canadian grandchildren because BIL has only come over twice, and hardly saw his parents the second time. PIL have multiple conditions that make travel insurance extortionate so they only went once.

Your DH didn't come with you at all for the visit. Is he Canadian? Will your DC be able to have a proper relationship with his parents? Realistically they will have closer relationships with family that they see regularly.

UserError012345 · 10/04/2022 08:35

@PomBearWithoutHerOFRS

(this first bit is very blunt, forgive me, I don't mean to be harsh) So you moved overseas and had a baby. Then you came home for two months with the baby. Did you actually tell your mum you couldn't manage the baby alone and needed her help before flying home? And if you couldn't manage one child, why are you having another? Is this actually about your sister still being near your mum and being closer? And homesickness. And lack of a support network in Canada. Maybe your mum missed you terribly when you went, but didn't say so, and has always thought you were happy and have everything sorted in your new life abroad. Also, could she afford to come to see you? If you want her to come, tell her! She's not a mind reader. Or call/face time her and have a heart to heart. Tell her how you felt and feel now, and see what she says. This seems like a situation that could be very different from opposite sides of that makes sense, but could be sorted out (or at least made clearer) by a good long talk.

I agree with this.

OwlinaTree · 10/04/2022 08:39

I sympathise with your feelings, but unfortunately it's part of making the choice to emigrate. The onus is on you to visit and maintain the relationships.

Teeturtle · 10/04/2022 08:40

I don’t even understand this. You had a baby in another country, why in earth would your mother know or even think that you need help? If somebody was visiting me from overseas with their child I wouldn’t assume they needed me for childcare during their visit either, I will go further, it wouldn’t even cross my mind.

KatherineJaneway · 10/04/2022 08:46

Did your Mum know you were struggling? To be honest it wouldn't have occurred to me that you would expect childcare to have a break from your dc unless you had explicitly said so.

oliviastwisted · 10/04/2022 08:50

OP how were things growing up? Were your parents good parents to you and your siblings? Were they emotionally available to you when you had problems in school/friendships?

The reason I ask is that some people aren’t great at that stuff, being emotionally available to their children and so have really little or no understanding of the inner worlds of others. So it might be that your Mum’s own needs are met by her spending time with your niece and she isn’t really that emotionally available either to you or your sister although obviously it seems that your sister is getting a better deal in this instance.

Otherwise some parents are available in childhood but they are done with that in adulthood because they have done enough so as I said having your niece might be enough to meet your mother’s needs for child family company.

You might have to look at the situation from an evaluation of what you actually need and you might find your mother cannot provide that full stop and then you will have to consider the practical applications of this: shorter trips home, ensuring your DP pulls his weight, becoming very self reliant with your kids, set up a network of friends where you are and swop childcare, nursery, babysitters.

If your mother isn’t going to meet your expectations it is much easier to accept that is who she is rather than fighting it.

PinkSyCo · 10/04/2022 08:51

Were you breast feeding your DS when you stayed at your DM’s last year? What kind of help were you looking for specifically? Why are you having another baby already when you found it so hard to cope with your firstborn? Finally how do you know your DM won’t come over to visit you when baby no.2’s born? You have 6 months to go yet!

Notjustanymum · 10/04/2022 09:01

Of course some family relationships don’t stay the same if you emigrate. My Aunt never got over the fact that her eldest daughter moved away (only a couple of hundred miles away!) because her other four DC stayed in the neighbourhood they were born in - and in which my Aunt had lived her whole life only around the corner from where she had been born. She also never forgave my Mum, her DSis, for moving “South of the river” in London, and never once visited her, either.

Some people feel somehow betrayed by their relatives desire to live in a different way than themselves. If you do move back to the UK, will it be to the same area you came from?
It sounds as if you’ve declared your independence - and you have to accept that your family might feel like that. It’s silly, I know, but people are strange!

pictish · 10/04/2022 09:11

You moved to Canada. It’s another world. You’re in a different time zone. It costs an absolute FORTUNE to visit you. That’s the reality of emigrating.

“To the point I snapped and broke down at my mum a few times saying I needed help.”
You had one child with you. Unless there’s something more troubling going on, that seems quite dramatic.

You’re jealous and it’s totally understandable but look, if you choose to settle across the globe you have to accept that your family will remain a tight and familiar unit back at home…something you can’t hope to replicate from so very far away.

Mellowyellow222 · 10/04/2022 09:12

So your visited for a couple of months with a one year old.

Did you stay with your parents? When you say no one helped with your baby, what help did you need?

Did you ask your mum to look after the baby while you caught up with friends - did you want your mum to spend more time with you and the baby and she didn’t?

I think we need to understand what you wanted from your family and what type of visit it was.

MrMrsJones · 10/04/2022 09:17

When people move away, they can't expect everyone at home to pack up and come out and see them for weeks at a time.

It's not always practical.

However, they could have helped you when you were at home.

gettingolderandgrumpy · 10/04/2022 09:20

Oh op you can’t expect your mum to come and give you the same help as your sister you live in a other country . Yes it’s a stand you didn’t get some help when you visited but you should of asked . Having children is exhausting it’s hardly your mums fault you were tired in the flight home . And you having another one ? Op your envious and resentful of your sister and frankly I don’t blame you but while you live in another country you aren’t going to be able to get the same support.

AndAsIfByMagic · 10/04/2022 09:21

You moved away and those you left behind got on with their lives. Perhaps your mother is very unhappy that you moved and feels closer to the sister who stayed close.

I think this is often the case when people move a long way away. You must have considered it would.

pictish · 10/04/2022 09:22

In essence, you took yourself out of the equation. This happens (to a certain degree) when someone moves 100 miles away, never mind to Canada.

You have to accept that relations will get stretched and thinned by distance.

pictish · 10/04/2022 09:34

To add, I’m being blunt and I’m sorry.
I think you’re feeling lonely and vulnerable. I do feel you…you miss being intimate with your family and your mum.

Not quite the same but my fil and his wife moved to the south of France about 20 years ago. He is very huffy about the fact that we have only been over twice. We live on a shoestring and the flights alone for the five of us are prohibitively expensive. It’s not personal…it’s just that he lives in France.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 10/04/2022 09:35

OP I feel for you but also for your mum who you are cross at. She looks after sister's DS so sister can work. This is a commitment which can't easily be broken. She may not have the money to visit. We have a family member who lives in the states. She is always agitating for us to visit and we're not completely anti it but it would cost best part of 8K. 3+K just for flights. That's money most people don't have. Your mum also may have her own struggles and need support in different ways herself so coming for an extended stay with you cuts her off from all of that. The reality is that you won't get as much support because you emigrated and you should never expect people to visit though I can see why you also hope that they will. You should never assume that their no visiting is a comment on the relationship with you when there are so many other reasons why people can't afford or come with expensive, long trips. If you need help when you visit home I think you need to be explicit about this beforehand. I honestly do think that it's a reasonable assumption that someone who chooses to move away from all family support does not feel they need it in a practical sense. If that's not the case, there's no shame in saying so.

MySecretHistory · 10/04/2022 09:36

What do your Dhs parents do to help?

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