Family relationship not what I thought

[ilovemyboyxx]

So I live overseas in Canada. Me and hubby moved out here in 2019 just before the pandemic. Since being here we have had a baby boy in 2021. My family was going to visit me in 2020 but couldn't because of the pandemic so I took my DS on a 2 month trip to England to visit them last year.

My sister has a DD aged 2, and she relies heavily on my mum for childcare. To cut a long story short, I had a dreadful trip back to the UK as my family barely helped me with my son, resulting in being exhausted. To the point I snapped and broke down at my mum a few times saying I needed help. And nothing really changed, I got to the point I had to change my flights to return to Canada sooner to be with with hubby.

I'm now pregnant again and babe is due in Oct, none of my family have mentioned coming over. I'm really hurt by this. I have found whilst being overseas that all my friends seem to have such a positive and strong relationship with their mums, and I just feel like she is not the person I thought she was, and it hurts.

AIBU thinking my mum should visit me?

I would never disengage from my child if they chose to move abroad, presumably to seek a better life or standard of living. I’d miss them, but I would still maintain regular contact- lots of posts here insinuate the op ‘fucked off’ or whatever and therefore it’s ok for parents to be dis-interested/annoyed.

This happens often when people move to the other side of the world. I have a friend who moved to Australia and hoped everyone would come and visit. She now mutters about finding out who her friends are, and is disappointed in her parents and sibling too but...it is a massive undertaking to go that far. Cost, annual leave, then too much time together without the usual respite of work and other commitments...

I understand your disappointment OP but I think your expectations were never likely to be met.

But the OP hasn't said her mum has disengaged, just that her mum hasn't said she was visiting and didn't help her with her child. But she should ask her Mum to visit, not wait for Mum to invite herself. And what help did she want that wasn't forthcoming? Presumably she was staying with her parents so not responsible for day to day chores etc so just looking after baby, what did she want her parents to do exactly?

I agree. I can’t imagine treating my daughter like this if she moved abroad.

Treat her like what?

From what I read, the OP visited her family for 2 months and her Min didn’t offer any help or support with her son, despite regularly looking after her sisters child and having her overnight etc. That sounds pretty disengaged to me- obviously child care and support isn’t an obligation but if she is doing this for the OP sister regularly surely she would make an effort with the OPs child while they are visiting?

How do you think she felt when you fucked off to Canada?

But why phrase it like that? Immigrating isn't "fucking off". OP went back to see her family, which is costly but she was making the effort.

And it's not like distant relatives where she's just invited herselves into their home. It's her parents, possibly her childhood home. She should be welcome.

Help with what though? She was supporting one daughter by looking after her child whilst she was working. She was supporting the other daughter by providing her with food, and accommodation. Not providing childcare on top of that doesn't equal disengagement. Unless she ignored the baby, didn't cuddle him, or talk to him then she wasn't necessarily disengaged.

The OP said her Mum has the Dd on a Saturday when her sister works. The rest is through choice as the child is in daycare. If it’s the case that her mum continued to have the sisters dd and didn’t offer her a break or some support then I think that’s really off tbh. She can look after her other granddaughter anytime and clearly does a lot for her, so not wouldn’t hurt to prioritise her other daughter and grandson for the short time she visits. I don’t mean just in childcare, but in time.

Perhaps your Mum has taken the message that you want a more remote relationship from your move to Canada?

Afterall, if want a close relationship you don't move to another country surely?

Invite your Mum to stay and stop thinking about what she can do for you and start thinking about what you can do for her and perhaps your Mum will see that you are interested in a closer relationship with her. She's your Mum but still another person with her own issues.

Afterall, if want a close relationship you don't move to another country surely?

I really take issue with this. I immigrated. It's hard, you make sacrifices, but it categorically is NOT a rejection of your family or any sort of message to them that you no longer wish to be close.

This is so insulting to the millions of people who immigrate or work away for years through economic necessity. There are many people from for instance India and the Philipines working in the Gulf who see their own young children once a year if they are lucky. It's a huge sacrifice, but it's one they make to try and give them a better life.

It's also common in many countries as wide ranging as China and Southern Africa for small children to be left with grandparents whilst parents work in the cities and send home a remittance.

It's certainly not because they don't want to be close to them.

Definitely should not be a 2-way Street visiting unless you made the decision tp emigrate in consultation with family who are staying here and they were confident that they had the money, time and health necessary for travelling long distances.

I fail to understand why you were so overwhelmed and needed help looking after a baby? you werent working and were on holiday. Were you jealous of your niece getting attention and your baby not so much from your mum?

@Oneortwo2022

Your mum provides regular childcare that your sister relies upon. If she leaves the country for a few weeks where will your niece go? You can’t just enrol in nursery for a month.

She doesn’t have to leave fir months. Two weeks should be plenty and surely granny can have a holiday? Or is that not allowed when you are helping your ADULT children?

@ilovemyboyxx I’ve lived abroad and yes most of the time, parents (but not so much the rest of the family) will make the effort to come and see you.

However, from reading MN, it seems that there is a seizable part of people in the U.K. that think that if you leave to go abroad then

• you have to be the one to come back because you are the one who left
• you have to fit around everyone because they can’t be asked to make efforts … because you left
• if you have left, you are an awful person anyway who doesn’t want to see family
• and it’s normal if you have much weaker Relationship with them because you arent there so you can’t complain (so strong bond with your dsis, because she is here you get forgotten because you aren’t)

I personally think it’s a shame.
And even less understandable in a country where so many people have emigrated everywhere in the world 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

surely granny can have a holiday?

Well apparently not, if she's just being deployed on another mission.

@TheNameOfTheRoses

That is one of the problems though isn't it. Yes Granny can have a holiday, yes OP can have a holiday, but then what if OPs DH also wants a holiday with his family, or to go somewhere else? What if Granny wants a holiday in Spain or Scarborough one year. People don't have unlimited resources. You could get around the money side by taking it in turns to visit once a year, but you may not get around the annual leave. If OP comes over she may have to accept that her family can't have time off when she is here and likewise she can't have time off when they go to her.

@Grapewrath

Well if it is a two way street do the parents get an equal say in your moving? Thought not. You, like the OP, chose to move, your decision your responsibility. Nice if your parents want to visit but it wasn't their choice and isn't their responsibility.

It just seems bizarre to me that if someone lives away, people think it’s fine not to visit or bother much as it’s not their ‘responsibility’ Surely most parents would want to see their DC and grandchildren as often as they can? Especially in their home environment and understand their way of life etc. It seems strange to me that on mumsnet it’s widely accepted that if you move away you should expect little effort from your parents. Most of my friends who live away from where they grew up have regular visits from their family.
It wasn’t my decision to move really, but that’s another story however after countless visits home and non reciprocated, I did decide not to bother anymore. It’s a shame for my parents more than DC really. My DC are young adults and haven’t really missed their GPS however my Mum and stepdad will soon be requiring care and I dare say will wish they had made a different decision.
Also ‘non family member’ was probably a dramatic phrase to use but in reality I don’t know many people in real life who has parents who have not made an effort or maintained their relationship- most people think my situation is unusual. It seems the norm on mumsnet though. Not sure why.

You didn't answer if it was a two way street with the decision to move. Obviously it is nice if parents can visit but maybe they can't afford it, maybe they aren't well enough for the journey, maybe they have other commitments. The OP is an adult who made a decision, her parents might have been devastated that she moved but we'd all say that they have to accept that. Well that is a two way street isn't it.

[quote sweeneytoddsrazor]@TheNameOfTheRoses

That is one of the problems though isn't it. Yes Granny can have a holiday, yes OP can have a holiday, but then what if OPs DH also wants a holiday with his family, or to go somewhere else? What if Granny wants a holiday in Spain or Scarborough one year. People don't have unlimited resources. You could get around the money side by taking it in turns to visit once a year, but you may not get around the annual leave. If OP comes over she may have to accept that her family can't have time off when she is here and likewise she can't have time off when they go to her.[/quote]
Well you know what?

That’s what happens when you live abroad. You end up making choices. But it doesn’t mean that you suddenly ignore the person who has left. Or expect them to make all the effort.

That’s what I meant about granny taking two weeks off from her childcare duty. She can make a choice. Or she can even TALK about how she’d love to see the new grand child but can’t afford to come whatever.
She doesn’t have to ignore the OP.

Fwiw I live on the other side of the world as a child. We made an effort to go and see family. Once every 3 years because yes it was too expensive otherwise.
Grand parents came to see us probably about once every 4 or 5 years. Because yes it was expensive (much more expensive than a flight to Canada).

I then move back to europe and somehow again we managed with my parents to stay in contact and see each other.

Very simply we ALL wanted to spend time together and we ALL made an effort.

And that’s not what the OP is describing at all.

She doesn’t have to leave fir months. Two weeks should be plenty and surely granny can have a holiday? Or is that not allowed when you are helping your ADULT children? Is going to do childcare and support with new baby a holiday?

How does that work though? If she's flying to Canada to help DD with her child while DD is having a new baby when does she arrive? She can't arrive on the due date, baby could easily be a week or ten days early so she needs to arrive before due date. Well baby could be a week or ten days late so she can't really book to go home 2 weeks after her arrival. I'd think to be any use she probably needs to book a minimum of a month more like 6 weeks.

That’s what I meant about granny taking two weeks off from her childcare duty. She can make a choice. Or she can even TALK about how she’d love to see the new grand child but can’t afford to come whatever. Or the OP could tell her she'd love her to come over when the new baby is born, remember what we are all told on MN? Boundaries, give young parents space, wait till you are invited. Granny coming to say for 2 weeks, good heavens tell her to get a room in a B&B or hotel. Well the granny has listened. OP needs to invite her if she wants her.

But what help did you need/expect?

Do you mean you expected your mum to have your son overnight twice a week like she does for your sister, and a day at the weekend? Because that would be doubling what your mum was doing, with a child she doesn’t know - that’s just not feasible at all.

Do you mean that she never - not once - held your son while you went to loo, fed him so you could eat your dinner, took him while he was fussing so you could have 5 mins? Not even once?
Or that she did do some things but just not as much as she does with your niece?

Because one of these things would be awful of her if it was true. The other would be a case of you needing to look at your expectations and probably require an apology to your mum.

The thing is, there’s help and there’s help, isn’t there? OP doesn’t say what her expectations were during the visit but they could have ranged from looking after baby for prolonged periods each day while she caught up with friends through to something as simple as holding or watching the baby while she showered. Frankly, I’d be pretty pissed off if my own DM wouldn’t watch the baby while I had a shower and got dressed if I were visiting her by myself. It’s not necessarily a sign of weakness or anything, just a little help can help the day go more smoothly.

The OP hasn't said her DM is ignoring her, she said her DM hasn't said she will visit and OP doesn't want to ask her. So nothing will be resolved.

@ancientgran and maybe MN doesn’t live in The real world where people just talk to each other?

And don’t spend their time worrying about intruding and whatnot because if it wasn’t convenient for the Dd she would just say ‘oh yes I’d love to see you but I’ll need a bit of time after the birth. What about you come a month after’ or ‘what about you stay at the B&B’ and granny does NOT get upset at the answer…..

How were things left with your family when you returned to Canada? Relationships are very different and difficult from a distance. It's natural that your mum has a closer relationship with your sister's child while yours doesn't know her. You've every right to live your life wherever you want. But it's so far away that you're just not really part of each others lives anymore. No one is to blame. It's just the way it is.