Page 3 | Family relationship not what I thought

sweeneytoddsrazor · 10/04/2022 11:18

@Grapewrath

It's not that you become a non family member but the dynamics change. Yes people can visit and it goes both ways but you have to consider lots of other things.
If the OP wants to spend all her annual leave with her family, what does her DH feel about it. If Ops parents visit her, how long can they stay given they have commitments at home? What if parents want to come, siblings want to come a different time and so on. If you only have limited funds and annual leave do you spend every single holiday with your family, never going anywhere different?

ancientgran · 10/04/2022 11:18

@Grapewrath

I find it strange in these threads that people honestly think as soon as you move away, you become a non family member and your parents have the right to cut you off. Anyway in the real world if it should be a 2 way street in terms of visiting. I moved away and my parents have never bothered to keep in touch with me or my kids, despite my efforts and visits. You don’t stop being parents imo so I just stopped bothering myself. We don’t talk now. I would prepare for your life without their support op as you are far away and get obviously favour your sister. I’m sorry.

Well if it is a two way street do the parents get an equal say in your moving? Thought not. You, like the OP, chose to move, your decision your responsibility. Nice if your parents want to visit but it wasn't their choice and isn't their responsibility.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 10/04/2022 11:20

I understand its hard, but you moved away, its you who needs to go home to see family. You dm won't have the same bond with your dc as she will with the ones close by. Its hard but this is the trade off. Its a shame if you asked for help when you were with them last and were ignored, I couldn't imagine doing that to my dd if she was struggling.

Easterisoffeggstooexpensive · 10/04/2022 11:25

How was having a second dc going to make your life easier living away from family if you flounced with 1?

pictish · 10/04/2022 11:26

“ I find it strange in these threads that people honestly think as soon as you move away, you become a non family member and your parents have the right to cut you off.”

I don’t believe a single post on this thread ‘honestly’ thinks OP is a ‘non family member’ and that her parents have ‘the right to cut her off’. No one has said anything of the sort? No one has referred to the OP as a non family member. No one has expressed the opinion that her parents should cut her off. Where are you getting this stuff from?

Summersolargirl · 10/04/2022 11:49

Op when you say you want her to visit. Do you actually mean you want her to come to Canada and provide childcare? This does seem largely about child care to be honest, is that why you went for two months, so she could help you with thr baby? Were you struggling to cope before you went?

Grapewrath · 10/04/2022 12:08

Well if it is a two way street do the parents get an equal say in your moving? Thought not. You, like the OP, chose to move, your decision your responsibility. Nice if your parents want to visit but it wasn't their choice and isn't their responsibility.

It just seems bizarre to me that if someone lives away, people think it’s fine not to visit or bother much as it’s not their ‘responsibility’ Surely most parents would want to see their DC and grandchildren as often as they can? Especially in their home environment and understand their way of life etc. It seems strange to me that on mumsnet it’s widely accepted that if you move away you should expect little effort from your parents. Most of my friends who live away from where they grew up have regular visits from their family.
It wasn’t my decision to move really, but that’s another story however after countless visits home and non reciprocated, I did decide not to bother anymore. It’s a shame for my parents more than DC really. My DC are young adults and haven’t really missed their GPS however my Mum and stepdad will soon be requiring care and I dare say will wish they had made a different decision.
Also ‘non family member’ was probably a dramatic phrase to use but in reality I don’t know many people in real life who has parents who have not made an effort or maintained their relationship- most people think my situation is unusual. It seems the norm on mumsnet though. Not sure why.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 10/04/2022 12:17

@Grapewrath
It isn't a case of little effort its a case of the person moving expecting the relationship to stay the same.
As for the they will lose out when they need care nonsense, would you be giving up your life to move back from Canada or wherever your DC and GC were if they had visited once a year, to provide the care?

Grapewrath · 10/04/2022 12:22

As for the they will lose out when they need care nonsense, would you be giving up your life to move back from Canada or wherever your DC and GC were if they had visited once a year, to provide the care?

I think you’ve misunderstood was talking about my own situation. I think it’s understandable for the relationship to change but I don’t think OP is unreasonable to expect the same level of y as her sister when she visits

MatildaTheCat · 10/04/2022 12:24

@ilovemyboyxx it sounds as if you came home with expectations that your family weren’t able to meet hence your disappointment. Was your DC very unsettled during the visit? Unfortunately if you have a baby visiting who is unhappy and virtually a stranger, despite being a relative, it’s not easy.

I suspect you also became somewhat miserable and hostile even which made things more awkward.

Communicate with your DM. If you want her to visit you have to ask her. She is likely thinking you were miserable when you visited and don’t want to be around her.

It is very tough to be far away but distance plus poor communication will make things so much worse.

AChocolateOrangeaday · 10/04/2022 12:28

Offer to pay for their tickets to visit you.

It was your choice to move.

Surely you must have considered this exact scenario playing out before you chose to emigrate?

tempester28 · 10/04/2022 12:42

Do you think that deep down they are upset you moved so far away? I have seen this before

Soringhaze · 10/04/2022 12:54

You need an expat board (or Facebook group) op not Mumsnet. Hopefully you've already buggered off this thread but if you haven't then pay it no mind. Being an expat and the family dynamics it brings aren't something most posters understand.

You can never complain in Mumsnet about being hurt about pretty much anything and some people love the opportunity to put the boot in especially to a young mum who is feeling quite hurt.

I'm an expat and I think your finances will really predict whether or not this works for you. Those who can only afford to come 'home' once a year seem miserable. Equally I think you're mad to consider moving back here from Canada . Find the British expats in Canada group and talk it through on there. You'll find your way and congrats on the new baby.

Enko · 10/04/2022 13:22

Op you absolutely need an ex-pat board. I feel so bad for you reading all the posts here. I moved to the UK from Scandinavia and in the 24 years I lived here my mother visited me twice.

What hurt was her disengagement with my children. Her lack of interest. Her constantly comparing them to my golden child niece negatively (how would she know when she never paused to hear what I was telling themthey were doing?)

The result was I disengaged. After trying for 10 years, I stopped calling to make her engage with my children. My father has over the years been an interested grandparent (parents are divorced) so it is not that it can't be done it was that she CHOSE not to. It hurt.

She died 6 years ago. My children have few memories of her. I was incredibly lucky in having an amazing MIL who more than made up for the lack of interest from my mother. On a day to day basis I can't say I miss my mother much. Mil died 3 years ago and not a day passes where I don't miss her. that was I realise now the direct result of my mother not caring much. I got to grow a close bond with the woman who was willing to love on my children.

Dorris83 · 10/04/2022 13:28

I can’t understand why people on this thread are being so blunt and suggesting that as it’s your choice to move abroad that your parents obviously shouldn’t be expected to be involved. That’s not how families should work!

I live in a different country from my parents and inlaws now, and when I was a child we lived in a different country to my grandparents (both sets). It’s up to the grandparents to put the effort into creating relationships with the grandkids, especially when they’re babies, and you were staying with them! I’d have thought they’d be stealing the baby away, wanting to take baby places or buy baby things. Or just being really keen for cuddles and bonding, doing bath times, changing happiest etc.

Regarding them visiting, I’d suggest that you say ‘mum we’d love for you to come stay when baby is born’ but as others have said, consider that may not be able to afford it. I believe my parents used to pay for the air fare for my grandparents to visit us. If you can do that, you might take away a barrier for them.

I’m sorry you had such an awful visit last year, travelling with a baby solo is hard and being out of your own home is hard and feeling like your family doesn’t want to help is hard. I hope things improve.

NewandNotImproved · 10/04/2022 13:41

Two months is an incredibly long time to be a guest in anyone’s house
You snapped at your parent and broke down multiple times and then left the country, and you think relatives should be booking tickets to fly to you?

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 10/04/2022 13:42

I totally get where youre coming from. I think maybe shes got into the habit of helping your DSis and cant really see how to break it - or doesnt want to, or doesnt see the need. You normally dont get help after all. Does she not realise how much dh does and thinks that you do it all normally?

Its hard travelling alone with a baby when youre used to having dh to help. I know lots of women raise babies alone but thats not what youre used to. And travelling is hard because youre making do a lot of the time.

My parents were amazing the first time around. Second time I had to look after both of them and a newborn and a toddler and I dont think Ive ever been so bitterly disappointed.

luckylavender · 10/04/2022 13:43

@ilovemyboyxx

So I live overseas in Canada. Me and hubby moved out here in 2019 just before the pandemic. Since being here we have had a baby boy in 2021. My family was going to visit me in 2020 but couldn't because of the pandemic so I took my DS on a 2 month trip to England to visit them last year.

My sister has a DD aged 2, and she relies heavily on my mum for childcare. To cut a long story short, I had a dreadful trip back to the UK as my family barely helped me with my son, resulting in being exhausted. To the point I snapped and broke down at my mum a few times saying I needed help. And nothing really changed, I got to the point I had to change my flights to return to Canada sooner to be with with hubby.

I'm now pregnant again and babe is due in Oct, none of my family have mentioned coming over. I'm really hurt by this. I have found whilst being overseas that all my friends seem to have such a positive and strong relationship with their mums, and I just feel like she is not the person I thought she was, and it hurts.

AIBU thinking my mum should visit me?

I don't really understand how much help you needed with your son on a trip home?

NewandNotImproved · 10/04/2022 13:48

Did you specifically invite any of your relatives? I’d never book flights to visit anyone unless I’d been invited. Even if I’d be staying in a hotel. Can they afford the flights?

Juniper68 · 10/04/2022 13:51

But OP asked for help? If I was your dm I'd have helped. I feel sad for you. Hope you can cope with new baby ok?

OfstedOffred · 10/04/2022 13:54

I'm sorry but I think when you choose to move thousands of miles away, it's on you to facilitate visits.

DSil does this- moved to the other side of the world, then doesnt understand why everyone doesn't visit her every year.

Scianel · 10/04/2022 13:58

I think OP is getting a hard time for her choice to immigrate. I'm an immigrant and I just slot straight back in to my birth family when I visit. We remain close.
I guess people from poorer countries where there's a bit of a diaspora are a lot more understanding about it. My niece has also now immigrated to Canada and there's no way my brother/SIL would treat her like that when she goes to the great expense and effort of visiting them.

BoredZelda · 10/04/2022 14:06

I think OP is getting a hard time for her choice to immigrate. I'm an immigrant and I just slot straight back in to my birth family when I visit. We remain close.

I agree. I can’t imagine treating my daughter like this if she moved abroad.

CatSpeakForDummies · 10/04/2022 14:12

It sounds as if you think your mum is wholly responsible for the relationship you have with her. This is not the case, it is also up to you. It sounds like you struggle a bit with communication but I can promise that everyone would rather you asked for help than stored up resentment then snapped.

You opened up a new type of relationship when you moved, so you need to set the terms. Your mum would be more familiar and comfortable with you locally but as you are far away you need to invite her. You can't have the local relationship at a distance but you can create an equally strong bond, just a bit more effort from you. Your family are obviously not offering to visit/help because of how you behaved last year - you need to get the ball rolling to get past that.

You should also spend some time reflecting on what you found so hard last time, as you surely didn't have housework etc to do at your mums. It will be harder with two so be honest with yourself about how you are going to cope and plan accordingly.

justfiveminutes · 10/04/2022 14:25

I think it's a bit hypocritical to think that your mum doesn't care about you. How do you think she felt when you fucked off to Canada? I think that's a pretty clear message about how you are able to manage just fine on your own.

If you want her to visit - ask. These boards are full of women pissed off that family members impose and invite themselves. I would never invite myself to someone's house for an extended stay.

You say that your mum didn't help you when you came over. Where did you stay then?

I think you are homesick and jealous of your sister and it's making you a bit mean.