Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family relationship not what I thought

127 replies

ilovemyboyxx · 10/04/2022 03:31

So I live overseas in Canada. Me and hubby moved out here in 2019 just before the pandemic. Since being here we have had a baby boy in 2021. My family was going to visit me in 2020 but couldn't because of the pandemic so I took my DS on a 2 month trip to England to visit them last year.

My sister has a DD aged 2, and she relies heavily on my mum for childcare. To cut a long story short, I had a dreadful trip back to the UK as my family barely helped me with my son, resulting in being exhausted. To the point I snapped and broke down at my mum a few times saying I needed help. And nothing really changed, I got to the point I had to change my flights to return to Canada sooner to be with with hubby.

I'm now pregnant again and babe is due in Oct, none of my family have mentioned coming over. I'm really hurt by this. I have found whilst being overseas that all my friends seem to have such a positive and strong relationship with their mums, and I just feel like she is not the person I thought she was, and it hurts.

AIBU thinking my mum should visit me?

OP posts:
MargaretThursday · 10/04/2022 09:38

If you haven't asked them they may be feeling hurt that you don't want them, especially if the last time you saw them you snapped at them and left early.

I'm not surprised if they're waiting for an invitation after that.

PiffleWiffleWoozle · 10/04/2022 09:41

One of my closest friends moved to Canada and i couldn’t afford to go and visit her or go to her wedding. I was really sad about it and I’m not sure she really understood it just wasn’t financially viable for me.

Peboh · 10/04/2022 09:42

Do you mean that when you visited your family didn't help out with childcare?
I'm probably going to sound really harsh right now, but what did you expect? Surely to them the point of the visit was to spend time as a family? Not provide babysitting?

Booboobagins · 10/04/2022 09:42

Families are funny.

You get families who are really close and tgen ones who are less so.

Ref your trip to UK, its hard with a 6m old coping on your own but people do and so did you. You come home to Canada early.

My DM didn't visit me when we had any of our DCs. She was always all over my DS and still is.

Now she's 82, I think she realises what a sh1t she's been. She needs people now, she's not good on her pins etc. I see her weekly if I can. She's now 27miles away versus previously 125 miles away. She chose where she moved to be within 10min journey from my DS.

My advice? Crack on with your life, you don't need your family. When thry need you, you'll know. X

Ginandcrispsarebliss · 10/04/2022 09:47

I have 3 Dc's and when they were small I had no help at all with my DM. We lived around the corner until we moved. I know it isn't my DM responsibility with my DC's but occasionally it would of been nice to have some support. My family are very close knit and always says, family comes first, always help out with family, blah, blah. I have always been there for my family even with moving. I ended up getting the flu when my youngest was 16 months old. It was hard but 10 years on and my DC's are all nearly at secondary school I don't need the help but I will definitely be on hand if my DC's need me.
My parents have helped bring up my DN which is lovely but when my DM says, I was always their for you when DC's were small, I say you weren't, it does end up with bad feeling so I just go along with it. My DM is jealous of my relationship with my MIL and this is the reason she never helped. It can sting but then I remind myself it isn't my family responsibility.

WhydoesthesunalwaysshineonTV · 10/04/2022 09:50

@PomBearWithoutHerOFRS

(this first bit is very blunt, forgive me, I don't mean to be harsh) So you moved overseas and had a baby. Then you came home for two months with the baby. Did you actually tell your mum you couldn't manage the baby alone and needed her help before flying home? And if you couldn't manage one child, why are you having another? Is this actually about your sister still being near your mum and being closer? And homesickness. And lack of a support network in Canada. Maybe your mum missed you terribly when you went, but didn't say so, and has always thought you were happy and have everything sorted in your new life abroad. Also, could she afford to come to see you? If you want her to come, tell her! She's not a mind reader. Or call/face time her and have a heart to heart. Tell her how you felt and feel now, and see what she says. This seems like a situation that could be very different from opposite sides of that makes sense, but could be sorted out (or at least made clearer) by a good long talk.
I agree.
Hopefullyoneday12 · 10/04/2022 09:53

Sorry Op it sounds tough.
Hope you manage to speak to your mum openly. She might be really pleased you want to see her and you want her to come visit. She might be holding back thinking you're not keen / she'd be imposing.
Now is not the time to beat around the Bush.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 10/04/2022 10:06

OP you have moved to Canada, the dynamics have changed. The simple fact is your mum very probably loves you, your sister and all her gcs the same, but will naturally have a far closer relationship with the ones that she sees on a regular basis. She can't give you and your child undivided attention when you visit as she still has regular commitments to fulfil. How do you see visits taking place in the future. Are you prepared for every holiday to be one spent visiting family, or will you want to have holidays with your DH and DC.?

Summersolargirl · 10/04/2022 10:09

Is there a back story that maybe explains why you struggled so much with your child?

babywalker56 · 10/04/2022 10:12

*It's an unfortunate consequence of moving so far away.

Did you not think about what would happen when you had DC when you decided to emigrate?*

This!

babywalker56 · 10/04/2022 10:17

@Teeturtle

I don’t even understand this. You had a baby in another country, why in earth would your mother know or even think that you need help? If somebody was visiting me from overseas with their child I wouldn’t assume they needed me for childcare during their visit either, I will go further, it wouldn’t even cross my mind.
I also agree with this too. I think it’s a bit unfair to say ‘my mum helps my sister with childcare but when I went to visit for two months, I barely had help.’ You live in Canada. Why would she just assume you need help with your DC (unless she knew you were struggling etc). Unfortunately I do think this is what happens when you emigrate. If I moved countries and had a baby, my mum would never come and visit me😂 (I know most parents would but some wouldn’t). I think it’d be a different story if you and your sister both lived in the same area/country and your mum never helped you but always helped your sister
WhydoesthesunalwaysshineonTV · 10/04/2022 10:18

It’s your child and your responsibility. You moved away from your family, came back to visit and blame it on your mum that you couldn’t cope with your one child. It’s not her fault, why did you even go if you couldn’t handle it and why have another child so soon if you can’t manage with the first one? I’m sure your mum loves you and your sister just the same, but she naturally sees your sister and her family regularly and have a different relationship with them. I understand it must be hard for you now that you’ve discovered that with your own eyes and you feel very sad over it.

loveliesbleeding1 · 10/04/2022 10:25

When I stayed with my dm when my ds was small I didn’t expect her to provide childcare and I certainly wouldn’t have snapped at her, I went with my son to visit not to have a rest.

This is about the closeness between your sis and your dm really and that’s natural.They will be closer because you’re the one who moved,it’s also ok for that to smart a bit.

Newmumatlast · 10/04/2022 10:28

@Teeturtle

I don’t even understand this. You had a baby in another country, why in earth would your mother know or even think that you need help? If somebody was visiting me from overseas with their child I wouldn’t assume they needed me for childcare during their visit either, I will go further, it wouldn’t even cross my mind.
Same. When I had my baby and went anywhere with her I never a) expected help or b) assumed I would get it even from family and we are super close. If I needed help I would ask. But really one caregiver per one child is plenty. If you were finding it tough that's fine and natural but then perhaps travelling that far wasnt a good idea even to see family. I dont think they're expected to just know you cant do it by yourself. And if you're now having another on top, and your mum has childcare commitments here, perhaps this is putting them off coming as well as the cost. I always think the burden of visiting really should be on the person who moves so far as the cost burden and travel isnt the fault of the people who stayed where they always were. Obviously family who are close should want to see eachother but a trip to Canada is costly. I think if you want people to visit you should ask - but be upfront as to what you're expecting in terms of help from them when they come.
cptartapp · 10/04/2022 10:31

What's all this 'help' everybody needs?!
Get on with it. Pay for time out as you need it day to day and /or maybe stick to one child.
I don't imagine your DM relished the thought of yet more childcare on your visit. If you can't cope your DH needs to step up.

WhydoesthesunalwaysshineonTV · 10/04/2022 10:41

I had a dreadful trip back to the UK as my family barely helped me with my son, resulting in being exhausted. To the point I snapped and broke down at my mum a few times saying I needed help.

Had to read again, and I think your behaviours sounds appallingly rude to your mother. I assume you stayed with them for free, you snapped at your mother and blame it on them that you had to go home early because you can’t take care of your child on your own.That’s pathetic. Why on earth would she bother to pay for an expensive trip to go and see you? You honestly need to wake up op and apologize to your mum. How rude and embarrassing.

BottleBrushTree · 10/04/2022 10:42

I can see why you’re hurt but also where your parents are coming from.

You left, you moved overseas. They don’t see you on a regular basis, and they will never be able to do the everyday grandparent things with your child as you don’t live near them now. That was your choice to change that. I also don’t think it was a great idea to travel back home for ages if you can’t manage your child on your own. We’re you expecting the, to take over the parenting role to your child on a regular basis just because you were visiting?

It may be unreasonable to expect them to come to visit you for long periods too, are they the type that travel overseas regularly? Can they afford it? Can they also just dump any regular commitments they have at home (like babysitting your sisters kid) to visit you for a few weeks?

Things change when you move a long way away from the family home. Things have changed for you and for them.

Merryoldgoat · 10/04/2022 10:46

@PomBearWithoutHerOFRS

(this first bit is very blunt, forgive me, I don't mean to be harsh) So you moved overseas and had a baby. Then you came home for two months with the baby. Did you actually tell your mum you couldn't manage the baby alone and needed her help before flying home? And if you couldn't manage one child, why are you having another? Is this actually about your sister still being near your mum and being closer? And homesickness. And lack of a support network in Canada. Maybe your mum missed you terribly when you went, but didn't say so, and has always thought you were happy and have everything sorted in your new life abroad. Also, could she afford to come to see you? If you want her to come, tell her! She's not a mind reader. Or call/face time her and have a heart to heart. Tell her how you felt and feel now, and see what she says. This seems like a situation that could be very different from opposite sides of that makes sense, but could be sorted out (or at least made clearer) by a good long talk.
I agree with this I’m afraid.

My BIL and SIL live 3 hours away. They don’t have children, but if they did it’s just a simple fact PIL would be more involved with my children because we’re 10 mins in the car.

PIL would love other grandchildren and treat them equally materially but realistically they couldn’t be as physically close.

You moved across an ocean - of course things are different.

Grapewrath · 10/04/2022 10:55

I find it strange in these threads that people honestly think as soon as you move away, you become a non family member and your parents have the right to cut you off.
Anyway in the real world if it should be a 2 way street in terms of visiting. I moved away and my parents have never bothered to keep in touch with me or my kids, despite my efforts and visits. You don’t stop being parents imo so I just stopped bothering myself. We don’t talk now.
I would prepare for your life without their support op as you are far away and get obviously favour your sister. I’m sorry.

Summersolargirl · 10/04/2022 10:57

Maybe there is a back story though as to why the op could not cope and had to go home so her husband could help her?

I get it’s hard to understand on what’s written, she was not working, had nothing to do other than look after her child, but maybe she was Ill or the child was or something and that’s why she kept breaking down.

Merryoldgoat · 10/04/2022 11:02

@Grapewrath

But it’s not always possible to visit abroad.

My family couldn’t afford it if I went abroad. Not a chance.

Yes of course they should stay in touch but visiting being a two way street isn’t always realistic.

Decorhate · 10/04/2022 11:04

It’s hurtful but I think you just have to accept that going forward you will have to accept that you and your children won’t have the same closeness with your mother. But I hope your mother will try to maintain a relationship.

None of my mother’s gc live near her so don’t have the same issue. But SIL & nephew live with PILs & I am sad but accepting that there is a different level of closeness. Once years ago they all visited us & there were 3 adults fussing over nephew while I wrangled two toddlers on my own! It’s unconscious on their part.

I think you have to actively ask for help & maybe offer to pay for their flights. Have you asked your mother about coming over for when the baby is due?

TrashyPanda · 10/04/2022 11:05

Where was your partner during this visit?
Or was he happy to spend 2 months away from his baby?

Unsureaboutit9 · 10/04/2022 11:07

You moved to Canada thousands of miles from your family and are having children there, so clearly you are very independent and didn’t require a close family relationship and family help… or you wouldn’t have moved to Canada. So expecting them to guess that you now want this, and hand it to you in a plate without you even asking is too much to expect from people. Especially your mum, she already helps her DD who lives nearby, she’s not yours and your sisters servant though, she doesn’t owe her life to grandchildren. And also it costs a fortune to visit Canada so unless you’re paying you can’t be upset she isn’t visiting really. Like I say, you must be an independent person, so use your words and ask her, maybe she doesn’t want to invite herself, especially as you left early last time, how does she even no you’d be welcome or what your problem was?

You sound very homesick though, which is totally understandable, especially as moving house and having kids in a pandemic is bound to add on extra stress, I just think you are placing your frustration in the wrong place. Are you committed to staying in Canada forever? Or do you have the option to review it and possibly move back home at some point?

ancientgran · 10/04/2022 11:13

What help were you looking for when you came home. If you were living with your parents were meals cooked for you, did you do housework? Were you expected to help them?

My mother was living with me for a few months due to house purchase falling through. She helped with cooking and housework but I didn't expect her to look after the baby, her doing stuff in the house was a big help though.

As to your mother going to Canada when you have the baby I'm sure it would be nice but you chose to move to Canada and you have to understand that she might not want to be away from home for weeks . So it would be nice if she did but I don't think she should, it is her choice.