Family relationship not what I thought

[ilovemyboyxx]

So I live overseas in Canada. Me and hubby moved out here in 2019 just before the pandemic. Since being here we have had a baby boy in 2021. My family was going to visit me in 2020 but couldn't because of the pandemic so I took my DS on a 2 month trip to England to visit them last year.

My sister has a DD aged 2, and she relies heavily on my mum for childcare. To cut a long story short, I had a dreadful trip back to the UK as my family barely helped me with my son, resulting in being exhausted. To the point I snapped and broke down at my mum a few times saying I needed help. And nothing really changed, I got to the point I had to change my flights to return to Canada sooner to be with with hubby.

I'm now pregnant again and babe is due in Oct, none of my family have mentioned coming over. I'm really hurt by this. I have found whilst being overseas that all my friends seem to have such a positive and strong relationship with their mums, and I just feel like she is not the person I thought she was, and it hurts.

AIBU thinking my mum should visit me?

@sweeneytoddsrazor

The OP hasn't said her DM is ignoring her, she said her DM hasn't said she will visit and OP doesn't want to ask her. So nothing will be resolved.

The OP never said she didn’t want to ask her mum.

But she did say that her relationship isn’t what she thought it was - not just from the not visiting but also from her behaviour when she visited (and I assume all matters of other contact they will have had during those two years)

You didn't answer if it was a two way street with the decision to move. Obviously it is nice if parents can visit but maybe they can't afford it, maybe they aren't well enough for the journey, maybe they have other commitments. The OP is an adult who made a decision, her parents might have been devastated that she moved but we'd all say that they have to accept that. Well that is a two way street isn't it.

Well of course it isn’t a two way street when an adult child makes a decision about their own life. As a parent, even if you are ‘devastated’ surely you would want to support your child in seeking a new way of life and still want to reciprocate visits or at least want to make an effort when they visit.
I can’t imagine feeling so bitter at my child leaving that I’d not make the effort to visit or offer support.
The OP seems to think that her Mum doesn’t want to visit, surely she’d know if it was down to resources.

Ask you mum over.
Heck shes probably champing to come but read on gransnet people get annoyed at “ hosting “ eve. They gave babies 😂

And that’s not what the OP is describing at all.

OP has not given enough info to judge that. Her child is only 2 so if family were visiting every 4 or 5 years as yours did, family may well to have been able to make it over there since 2020. And we have no idea if they can afford it.

@Grapewrath

You didn't answer if it was a two way street with the decision to move. Obviously it is nice if parents can visit but maybe they can't afford it, maybe they aren't well enough for the journey, maybe they have other commitments. The OP is an adult who made a decision, her parents might have been devastated that she moved but we'd all say that they have to accept that. Well that is a two way street isn't it.

Well of course it isn’t a two way street when an adult child makes a decision about their own life. As a parent, even if you are ‘devastated’ surely you would want to support your child in seeking a new way of life and still want to reciprocate visits or at least want to make an effort when they visit.
I can’t imagine feeling so bitter at my child leaving that I’d not make the effort to visit or offer support.
The OP seems to think that her Mum doesn’t want to visit, surely she’d know if it was down to resources.

There are many people on this thread talking about family or friends being cross that they don't visit and not seeing to realise that they can't, so no, OP may not realise.

she shouldnt have to visit as you are the one that left.
Fair enough asking for help but deciding you should have just expected it is a little harsh. and you should also be able to handle 1 child especially now you have gone to have another one

OP hasn't explained why she can't look after 1 child on her own. Maybe her mum was expecting a bit of help from the OP?

I'm interested in what you mean by your mum not helping when you visited for two months.

Did you live with your mum for those two months? Because another adult and a baby in your home is quite hard work. I'm sure she loved having you but was their sleep disturbed, did they get up earlier than usual, did they buy and cook most of the meals, did they change your bedding and keep your room clean, did they not see as much of their friends for those eight weeks. I love having my adult dc to stay and would put up with any inconvenience but it would rankle a bit if they then accused me of not doing enough. Maybe next time you could ask for what you need - a day out without the baby once a week or whatever.

Whose decision was it to emigrate to Canada?

Everyone here is being harsh and has no clue. Your the one who had a baby so it's them that should visit you. It's just what people are supposed to do if they want to meet their own grandchildren. It's hard to get people to visit before kids but once you've had them then the onus is on them for sure.

And you already did visit with a 2 year old so they should have seen how that's quite a difficult thing to do a fucking helped you.

I only live in France and in 26 years my brothers have both been once. My mum 5 times. My sister 4 times. Despite having a large beach house that they are welcome to use!

It's obvious that some on the thread have never travelled with a baby alone to someone else's house. You need help because it is much harder being away, even moreso when you are sharing that space.

1. You don't have the routine of home if DH isn't there to look after the baby for your shower, food prep, just a bit of time not being touched etc.
2. You don't have the useful props from home like the baby bouncer, jumperoo, range of distracting toys, high chair etc that buy you time without holding the baby.
3. You are in sometime else's home where you don't know quite where to find things you need in the kitchen, managing washing or food prep around someone else's schedule etc.
4. Other people and pets move your things, make noise at the wrong time, want a shower at bath time etc.
5. As a family member visiting, you're expected to pitch in with cooking and cleaning, but still have a baby to mind.

None of you would suggest that it is ok for a DH to not lift a finger for 2 months with a little baby, so mum gets no break at all any weekday evening nor at the weekend. Babies can be relentless in their needs. Of course OP needed a bit of help once in a while when staying at her mum's, it's ludicrous to pretend otherwise.

It's tough OP, my own DM likes to interact a bit with DS, but is uninterested in getting too involved. Comparing with the DNs just leads to upset, but there's nothing to be gained from that. The easiest way to cope is to make you peace with it; lesson learned that she won't help so don't go to visit until you're going as a family of the kids are older. If she asks, just explain that it was tough having no help last time so you know it won't work out. It makes some decisions easier, for example you don't need to consider her location in choosing where exactly to move to when you come back. Do you have a good friend who could visit when your second baby is born?

You moved to a country several hours away by plane, and chose to have your children there, so of course you're not going to get the kind of support that your sister gets who lives round the corner. Similarly, your mum isn't getting the same support from you as she would if you were living nearby. Your mum can't call you for help if she's unwell, or her car breaks down, or she needs taking to a medical appointment or something either. It works both ways.

All you seem to want from your family is help looking after your baby. You don't mention at any point that you missed them, only that you wanted them to help you look after your child while you were on holiday in the UK, and snapped at them when they didn't. Then you flew back early because you didn't want to spend time with them if they weren't going to provide childcare support on your trip.

You're expecting them to drop everything and come and visit you because of a choice you made to emigrate. You can't possibly expect to have the same relationship with your family when you're living several time zones away that you would have with them when you're living 10 minutes up the road.

You can't move half way across the world from your mother and then expect to have the same kind of relationship with her during a holiday that your sister who lives close to her has. She has a close bond with your sister and her children, something that's impossible with you at the moment because of distance.
One of my adult children has lived 14 hours away for the last 8 years. We've been to visit them once but won't be going again because I'm terminally ill and wouldn't manage the flights. They visit us twice per year for 2 weeks at a time.
I love all my children equally, but I have a much closer bond now with the ones who live close by and I regularly have grandchildren to stay.
Your mother probably doesn't feel close to you or your child which is not her fault. I know when mine left the UK, although I never said anything to her, I was devastated and to protect my own mental health I took a step back from her and cut the apron strings.

Gosh, mumsnet is so cold sometimes. If someone with a small child came to stay with me of course I would help care for it. Human beings are not actually designed to parent one to one 24/7 thats why we have families, friends and societies/tribal groups.

I don't think there's anything odd in expecting your mother to make a fuss over your DS when you visited, to see if you were struggling, to offer to help out. Leaving you to get on with it when obviously your sister's child gets taken care of regularly by your mum seems really cold and strange.

I have a similar situation to yours - five DCs in the US, family in Ireland. You do feel very much on your own when you have a baby and nobody besides yourself and your H to love him or her or notice who he looks like, or tell you who her laugh sounds like, for thousands of miles.

Those saying, 'You should have foreseen all of this' - essentially, 'you made your bed and now you have to lie in it' - need to grow a heart.

A mother letting you down in your hour of need isn't a natural consequence of emigration. Looking squarely at the idea that your mother doesn't care about you the way you thought she did is hard.

OP you're being very dramatic. You have one child, are on holiday so not even having to juggle work/housework etc and you are struggling? What did you need help with?

Just tell your mum to come and visit and to have a holiday at the same time. And then next year you're moving back anyway so it isn't a problem.

@FiveNineFive, YYY to that.

I'm guessing it was little things like holding DS while the OP took a shower or drank a cup of tea, or giving her a few hours to sort out her washing or a trip to the shops that the OP didn't get from her mother.

And if nobody owes anyone any care or kindness, let's see some bashing of the mother of the OP's niece, who has apparently made choices wrt her working hours which she could make only because sha has free childcare on tap.

Shouldn't she be embarrassed to ask for or accept help? It's her choice to work and her choice too to have a baby, after all. Should the granny tell her that there are consequences to our choices and relying on others to facilitate your choices once you have a baby is unacceptable?

Two months is an incredibly long time to be a guest in anyone’s house

A few points here:

It's her mother's house, presumably the house where she grew up, and the house she thinks of as home. She's not inflicting herself and her baby on strangers.

When you go to the trouble of schlepping a baby and all the gear that entails from Alberta, Canada, to the UK, and part of your intention in visiting is to reconnect with parents and for grandparents to get to know your baby, you don't do a short visit.

There's a heartlessness and complete inability to put yourself in someone else's shoes on this thread that is gobsmacking.

Are there people here who feel that Britons who emigrate should be punished for lack of patriotic spirit?

This. I do have sympathy but I'm not sure what you expected. Did you think your mum and family should come over to visit? Maybe they could, but it's expensive and maybe they just didn't want to make that trip over with a small child of their own. It's you who left, I don't think you can expect any one to make up for that. What stuff lead you to snap?

@BottleBrushTree, she gave them the opportunity to do everyday things with her baby for two months.

For some reason, they decided they couldn't be bothered.

I can absolutely see how hurt she is and I am baffled that there are people on this thread who can't.

Totally agree

I think there's a lot if posters here being the favoured one and getting all the help and feeling a tad guilty.....failing that a few grans who babysit for one side and ignore the others

I think there are several issues here.

1. expectations -Your expectation of how your mum would act when you had a baby or when you visited wasn’t how things went in reality. That’s a hard pill to swallow.I had the same with my parents. They went on for ages about me having children, how much they would help etc….then when I did they were just useless. I now have more realistic expectations and so don’t get disappointed.

2. being explicit about your needs - sounds like you haven’t spoken to your mum about what you wanted or needed from her. Although we’d like people to be intuitive about knowing how to help, in reality many people can’t read the signals. Again my mum is similar. You either need to be direct about what you want or need or learn to cope with her not seemingly being aware of what help you want from her.

3. the move - is some of your upset misplaced? Are you upset about the visit home or because you’re home sick? Even with the best will in the world your mum couldn’t have the same relationship with your child as your sisters child simply because of the geographical distance,