To bring 3 month old baby to Trustee dinner?

[Twopandemicpregnancies]

Have had 2 babies since pandemic and have hardly taken them anywhere so not sure what is normal / socially acceptable?

I am a Trustee for a charity and have been invited to a nice dinner in the evening at a restaurant private dining room in London when baby will be 3 months old. Haven’t seen the other Trustees for over 2 years due to pandemic so it would be good to catch up in person, but am exclusively breastfeeding and don’t often pump or have much of a milk stash in freezer, have never tried to give baby a bottle (all seems like quite a hassle compared to just feeding baby direct from breast). It is also about 1.5 hours door to door for me on public transport each way so overall I can’t leave the baby with DP for what will be around 5-6 hours in total (DP will be at home looking after toddler).

Would it be ridiculous to suggest that I bring the baby with me to the dinner? I obviously won’t totally enjoy the dinner (and will be a bit of a hassle on public transport as it is a 20 minute walk from the nearest step free access station to the restaurant) as I will be attending to the baby, feeding etc as well as talking to everyone and eating. I am torn between not letting people down by just not going (it is a farewell for the outgoing Chair and a couple of other trustees), or going with baby and potentially being a pain for the adults who might not want a baby there! (Most of them have children but most of the kids are older than mine and/or grown up).

The baby is pretty chill as babies go but also tends to cluster feed in the evenings so is unlikely just to sleep through the evening in her pram.

So I probably just need someone to tell me it’s a stupid idea but am genuinely torn, as a feminist in 2022, whether I should carry on my life where feasible with baby in tow, or just stay at home this year and resume things like evening dinners in 2023 when baby is no longer breastfeeding?

@Chasingaftermidnight

I don't think it's feminist at all to normalise the idea that a woman should have a baby and just continue life as it was before, just stick the baby in a sling and don't skip a beat. I hate seeing stories of women taking their babies to parliament. I think it would be more feminist for women to have adequately paid maternity leave, take time to recover and find their feet, and THEN resume their jobs without any damage to their reputation for doing so.

But you do realise that OP is a trustee - ie a volunteer - for this charity, which is charity for mothers and babies? It isn’t her job. She doesn’t have maternity leave. She’s been donating her time for free.

As a charity for mothers nd babies you’d have thought that they would have been able to arrange this event better so that all possible attendees could turn up. So perhaps having it as a lunch, in a hotel where a room could be provided for the other parent to stay and look after the baby, near to where the mother lives this avoiding a lengthy journey on public transport! If this were a charity for people who use wheelchairs, wouldn’t they ensure that any wheelchair using attendee could actually access the venue as easily as other attendees?

I probably wouldn't, just because it sounds too much like hard work really. I don't think the idea of taking your baby to an event is outrageous, especially given the nature of the charity, but from your description it's hard to imagine you actually enjoying it.
I took one of mine to a Board Meeting at work when they were a couple of months old. I was Head of Dept at the time and despite being on maternity leave was summoned to an evening meeting - apparently my deputy wouldn't do. I was exclusively breastfeeding and my baby wouldn't take a bottle so I told them I'd come but only if baby came too. It was fine, a complete non event really, but it was an hour's meeting 20 mins drive from home so a completely different scenario. I wouldn't even fancy the journey you describe, never mind the event itself.
Send the leavers a card, put your feet up at home and go next year when you can enjoy it.

@Soontobe60

Who in their right mind is happy to leave a baby with complete strangers for 4 hours in a car seat!!!!!

Glad I’m not the only one horrified by that

I feel exhausted just reading this, let alone living it. I wouldn’t consider it. Sounds stressful and exhausting.

I can understand why that particular type of charity would probably be ok with this, but I think it would take the attention away from the members who are supposed to be being thanked and celebrated as a goodbye, which is a bit off.

It's in a posh dining room in the evening, not chosen for its proximity to transport etc. There will almost certainly be speeches and a late finish, the sort of thing you would definitely need an easy retreat from if you were to consider this (think weddings with tinies), and I don't think you've got it.

I've heard people say in charitable positions something like, the 50 year olds are really willing to take this on, and are very visible, but all the 40 year olds disappear... when your kids are between about 3 and 13, it looks to me like that's the reason.

If no children are invited, I would say no. A lot of the people there will probably be parents and looking forward to an adults evening as well!

It wouldn’t bother me, I’d be more than happy to hold the baby too.

How can anyone have a problem with it? For all we know there will be a couple with a small baby at the next table?! Would people be that bothered? I've taken my kids everywhere from a very young age. I cannot see the big difference in me going to dinner with my husband and 4 kids, one being very young for instance, and happening to be at the table next to some work event and you actually attending the work event with your own baby. Actually we'd be noisier than your baby i expect.
I've taken my kids, from a young age, to very upmarket restaurants (£100 per person average without wine) and had no issue. It was actually a lot easier when i just had one newborn than 3 or 4 kids of varying ages.

I did something similar. I went to part of a hen do when dc1 was still ebf. Other half took dc1 on buggy on a walk at exhibit close by. I popped out once to feed, he went back to exhibit with dc1 and me to hen do dinner. I only had a short stay at hen do dinner. Maybe you could do the same?

A 3 month old is basically an extension of you. I’d have no problem with you bringing the baby if I were at the dinner.

Big question is really whether you can be bothered going. Not sure I would have been at 3 months post partum!

The organisation I do some work for would be completely fine with a baby at an event and everyone would do their best to make it work for you and your baby.

@bluebaul

The PM of NZ manages to lug her baby around to run the country, I am sure there are plenty of pearl-clutchers who feel this is "unsuitable and selfish " as well, but I think its proper feminism, actually.

I would like to know how taking the baby everywhere and doing everything for said can be framed as feminism. Surely that's the opposite?

She doesn't lug her baby around to run the country. Her partner is main care giver and the child has never appeared in Parliament. She once made headlines because Jacinda was at the UN General Assembly and 3m old Neve was brought to her during the break.

No, don't do this. It's very inappropriate and unreasonable imo.

@oblada

How can anyone have a problem with it? For all we know there will be a couple with a small baby at the next table?! Would people be that bothered? I've taken my kids everywhere from a very young age. I cannot see the big difference in me going to dinner with my husband and 4 kids, one being very young for instance, and happening to be at the table next to some work event and you actually attending the work event with your own baby. Actually we'd be noisier than your baby i expect. I've taken my kids, from a young age, to very upmarket restaurants (£100 per person average without wine) and had no issue. It was actually a lot easier when i just had one newborn than 3 or 4 kids of varying ages.

It's a private dining room in a nice restaurant not a massive table at Frankie and Bennies. Totally different dynamic.

And god I hate the "everyone was thrilled to see the baby and loved a cuddle". No they aren't. If they seem like that then they were polite and indulgent. We had a friend pitch up to a similar event that was a 40th birthday dinner with her 4 m old. She hadn't asked. The birthday boy pasted a smile on as did everyone and 90% of the conversation was about the kid as it was passed around for holding and admiring. A small group of us had exchanged glances and refused the 'cuddle' and desperately tried to get the convo back onto something more interesting then sleep cycles and feeding schedules.

She left before dessert and everyone went "WTF!!!" The 100% consensus was that she was massively entitled and arrogant to bring the kid first of all and then allow the conversation to be all about her and kid. Birthday boy was absolutely mortified.

This is totally fine. You know your baby, if baby is likely to feed and sleep, you can enjoy some adult conversation and a lovely dinner. I have done similar and on the whole people are delighted to be in the presence of a baby or at worst, just a bit disinterested. The only thing that may put me off personally is the lengthy lone travel but if you’re comfortable with this aspect, then great!

@TheKeatingFive

I assume this makes me anti-feminist or whatever but I don’t think it advances womens’ position at the top table to make professional or work events about their reproductive stasis

I don't understand this at all

How is it making it about reproductive status?

It's simply that if she's op going to be there, the baby must be there too. A purely practical point about having a bf baby of a certain age.

Because bringing a baby to an event where babies aren’t expected usually turns the event into a babython, either because the parent has done the thing where they’ve assumed everyone else is thrilled and wanting a cuddle, or because it sets everyone else off talking about weaning/sleeping/pregnancy/milestones etc etc etc. Or both. It doesn’t help the cause of getting women into top positions if what happens when they attend events is they bring their baby along and dominate the evening with baby talk.

Because bringing a baby to an event where babies aren’t expected usually turns the event into a babython

I thinks that's total nonsense, sorry.

And if we support women to have babies and bF them and attend functions, if they want to, during that time, then it's an inevitability that babies will have to come along sometimes, because they can't be left.

So what of the above criteria are we saying we don't support?

It doesn’t help the cause of getting women into top positions if what happens when they attend events is they bring their baby along and dominate the evening with baby talk

But what? They don't go instead?

Does that help their cause?

One of mine was breastfed at bedtime to twenty months, wouldn't go over without it. Should I have been bringing her to evening events because the alternative was not going?

Both of mine were ebf bottle refusers. Number two was pretty calm and I maybe could've gotten away with bringing her to work events or adult social occasions. Number one was a silent reflux screamer so no, not an option.

Some places just aren't suitable for babies, whether for the baby's sake or the other adults. It should be understood that that means new mothers can't go either, and they should be supported in that without penalty.

Should I have been bringing her to evening events because the alternative was not going?

I'm not sure what's hard about differentiating between a tiny baby for whom milk is their only source of food and who will feed or sleep all evening and a toddler for whom neither of those are true.

I think in 20 or so years time, breastfeeding won’t be a thing.

I think it will have been phased out as it’s such an imposition on women. A bit like wearing heels, women are rebelling and seeking more equality and not putting themselves uncomfortable and restrictive things on account of their sex/gender. About time too!

@JenniferBarkley
“One of mine was breastfed at bedtime to twenty months, wouldn't go over without it.“
Out of interest, what did you do re this? Never go out in the evening for 20 months??

I was going to say bring the baby anyway but especially so given the nature of your work.

Ignore the people saying to leave your baby. 3 months is far too young to leave a BF baby for such a long time.

I took both my babies to restaurants and other "adult" environments and on public transport and it was absolutely fine.

@LuckySantangelo35

I think in 20 or so years time, breastfeeding won’t be a thing.

I think it will have been phased out as it’s such an imposition on women. A bit like wearing heels, women are rebelling and seeking more equality and not putting themselves uncomfortable and restrictive things on account of their sex/gender. About time too!

I am sorry you have such a negative view of breastfeeding and of the art of motherhood.

Mothering and fathering is not the same in the early days. Young babies need to be close to their their mothers, and breastfeeding has benefits for both the child and the mother.

Mothers are very poorly supported in our society, and the help needed to support BFing properly often just isn't available.

Breastfeeding and mothering is nothing like wearing high heels.

As a feminist, I want women's choices to be a mother or not be a mother, to work or stay at home to be respected. But I'd also like to.see mothering to be just as well respected and supported as work.

Currently mothers are very badly treated. The solution is more support and respect for mothering not to try to be just like men.

This thread is a case in point. It should be totally normal for mothers to bring young babies to restaurants. That's the feminist position IMO, not aiming to formula feed all babies.

If I was going as another trustee I don’t think I could get worked up about you bringing a small baby.