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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bring 3 month old baby to Trustee dinner?

332 replies

Twopandemicpregnancies · 09/04/2022 09:20

Have had 2 babies since pandemic and have hardly taken them anywhere so not sure what is normal / socially acceptable?

I am a Trustee for a charity and have been invited to a nice dinner in the evening at a restaurant private dining room in London when baby will be 3 months old. Haven’t seen the other Trustees for over 2 years due to pandemic so it would be good to catch up in person, but am exclusively breastfeeding and don’t often pump or have much of a milk stash in freezer, have never tried to give baby a bottle (all seems like quite a hassle compared to just feeding baby direct from breast). It is also about 1.5 hours door to door for me on public transport each way so overall I can’t leave the baby with DP for what will be around 5-6 hours in total (DP will be at home looking after toddler).

Would it be ridiculous to suggest that I bring the baby with me to the dinner? I obviously won’t totally enjoy the dinner (and will be a bit of a hassle on public transport as it is a 20 minute walk from the nearest step free access station to the restaurant) as I will be attending to the baby, feeding etc as well as talking to everyone and eating. I am torn between not letting people down by just not going (it is a farewell for the outgoing Chair and a couple of other trustees), or going with baby and potentially being a pain for the adults who might not want a baby there! (Most of them have children but most of the kids are older than mine and/or grown up).

The baby is pretty chill as babies go but also tends to cluster feed in the evenings so is unlikely just to sleep through the evening in her pram.

So I probably just need someone to tell me it’s a stupid idea but am genuinely torn, as a feminist in 2022, whether I should carry on my life where feasible with baby in tow, or just stay at home this year and resume things like evening dinners in 2023 when baby is no longer breastfeeding?

OP posts:
LadyMacduff · 09/04/2022 14:01

I’d ask the other trustees if it makes them uncomfortable to bring her.

I doubt anyone would really pipe up and say no.

It would change the feel of the evening, especially for those sitting in the immediate vicinity of OP and the conversation is likely to
become very baby focussed. I'd be rolling my eyes inwardly at this while pasting on an indulgent smile.

Chasingaftermidnight · 09/04/2022 14:06

@maddiemookins16mum

When did it become normal to even think this might be ok? Oh I know, for anyone born 90s onwards.
I know I’m repeating myself but I really don’t understand why there are so many posters acting as though this is the most outrageous suggestion they’ve ever heard in their lives.

It is a trustee dinner for a mother and baby charity. Trustees are unpaid volunteers. The OP has been volunteering - i.e. donating her time to charity for free (generally considered the opposite of selfish). It isn’t a hen do. It isn’t a big night out on the town. It isn’t a corporate business meeting. It isn’t her job. She isn’t on maternity leave.

To put it the other way, if you worked with a mother and baby charity, and a mother who had been donating her time to the charity for free asked if she could bring her three month old baby to the trustee dinner, would you really think ‘what an entitled and selfish woman, that will really ruin the dinner for ME?’

MaryShelley1818 · 09/04/2022 14:07

You haven't really had mixed responses. An overwhelming majority of 93% have said YABU.
As someone who has 2 very small children (toddler and a baby both bf but both taught to take a bottle also as needed) I'd be really annoyed if someone brought their baby on a rare chance I would have for an adult evening. Totally selfish.

Eightiesfan · 09/04/2022 14:07

I can’t believe you are even contemplating this. Get a breast pump express a couple of bottles and leave baby at home with DH.

TheKeatingFive · 09/04/2022 14:11

Get a breast pump express a couple of bottles and leave baby at home with DH.

No always an option. I'm sure it's been covered

RampantIvy · 09/04/2022 14:18

It is clear that a lot of posters have no idea what it is like to have a baby who cluster feeds.

RampantIvy · 09/04/2022 14:19

Or a baby who won't take a bottle.

Effram · 09/04/2022 14:29

I'm quite surprised at some of the strength of these replies! A 3 month old baby I would not have an issue with at a dinner, probably up to 4 months. Above that, when they need more entertaining rather than just feeding and sleeping, I would find disruptive and as the parent with the baby I would avoid because I wouldn't be able to relax. but personally for me I did similar journeys with both of mine at that age at younger, I didn't arrive 'frazzled' and if the baby was disruptive I would just step out, so I don't think it's such a big deal esp at a private dining room. Made a change from cluster feeding at the sofa and made me feel a bit more like myself again! I'd just take a sling, and agree maybe budget to just take a taxi back from restaurant to station, walk there would probably be ok!

BorderlineHappy · 09/04/2022 14:40

@RampantIvy I do.
I bf 5 and I remember the cluster feeding well.
Plus babies change,just cause their chilled now doesn't mean they will in a few weeks.

Plus nothing worse than getting rid of your own kids and somebody brings theirs.
Totally changes dynamics.

Favourodds · 09/04/2022 14:51

It is clear that a lot of posters have no idea what it is like to have a baby who cluster feeds.

I think it's clearer that a lot of posters have no idea what a Trustee or Trustee dinner is.

LegMeChicken · 09/04/2022 15:15

@Favourodds

It is clear that a lot of posters have no idea what it is like to have a baby who cluster feeds.

I think it's clearer that a lot of posters have no idea what a Trustee or Trustee dinner is.

It's a volunteering/charity role on paper, but some can be quite professional. Especially if you're using it to network, as many people do...
Somethingsnappy · 09/04/2022 15:21

@PonyPatter44

If your baby is the whingy type whos going to cry and disrupt things, then I'd say no. If you have the sort if baby who will just feed and sleep (mine was like this), then go for it. Its a charity dinner, not a work meeting. The PM of NZ manages to lug her baby around to run the country, I am sure there are plenty of pearl-clutchers who feel this is "unsuitable and selfish " as well, but I think its proper feminism, actually.
Hear, hear!
DarcyBlue · 09/04/2022 15:28

I think it's fine? I'm so surprised at the amount of people suggesting it's inappropriate?! What a great evening out for the two of you, the baby is so portable when that young and EBF. It's also before the baby would likely be in a routine so would probably happily sleep in a sling on you after feeding for a few hours. Go for it Smile

DarcyBlue · 09/04/2022 15:30

@Favourodds

It is clear that a lot of posters have no idea what it is like to have a baby who cluster feeds.

I think it's clearer that a lot of posters have no idea what a Trustee or Trustee dinner is.

Confused neither of these things are rare or hard to understand?!
CounsellorTroi · 09/04/2022 15:52

@MabelsApron

Ugh. I’ve been to Christmas dos, hen dos, and formal dinner events where people have done this and then said that everyone “just loved” having a cuddle. I hated it. Of course I was too polite to say so and when baby was passed around I did the necessary but honestly I was annoyed that once again what was supposed to be an adult evening was now entirely about someone’s baby. I can remember crying in the toilets on more than one occasion (infertility - I deal with it ok if I’m prepared but it’s hard if I’m not).

It’s like when people bring babies to the office - just drives me mad.

I assume this makes me anti-feminist or whatever but I don’t think it advances womens’ position at the top table to make professional or work events about their reproductive stasis.

This.
TheKeatingFive · 09/04/2022 16:05

I assume this makes me anti-feminist or whatever but I don’t think it advances womens’ position at the top table to make professional or work events about their reproductive stasis

I don't understand this at all

How is it making it about reproductive status?

It's simply that if she's op going to be there, the baby must be there too. A purely practical point about having a bf baby of a certain age.

LegMeChicken · 09/04/2022 16:38

@TheKeatingFive

I assume this makes me anti-feminist or whatever but I don’t think it advances womens’ position at the top table to make professional or work events about their reproductive stasis

I don't understand this at all

How is it making it about reproductive status?

It's simply that if she's op going to be there, the baby must be there too. A purely practical point about having a bf baby of a certain age.

Maybe because the baby changes the whole vibe, and people feel obliged to pay attention to it? Granted PP is probably projecting because of her own issues. But a baby does change things.

Would be different if there was a separate room , or everyone just ignored it.

MySecretHistory · 09/04/2022 16:54

@User0610134049

Personally I would just decline.

Also as a trustee for another charity, I’m curious if this is funded by charity monies or you are paying for it yourselves? Not goady but genuinely curious what other charities do.

Yup

Doesn't sound right does it .
Probably working in power countries as well and living it up on a jolly

Almost as if the Oxfam scandal taught charities nothing

just think- what would it look like on front page of Daily Mail/Times- and if that isnt good then dont do it

(trustee of charities where a trustee dinner would never be seen as appropriate nor would a party fr a leaving CEO unless everyone paid their own way- and I probably give £40,000 of my time free to the charities I am trustees of a year)

watcherintherye · 09/04/2022 16:59

Would be different if there was a separate room , or everyone just ignored it.

I bet most people who take their baby to an event would be a bit put out if everyone ignored it! It is a kind of statement, after all. Whether ‘this is perfectly natural, and my right as a woman and mother to do this’ or ‘just see how unobtrusive and chilled I can be while breastfeeding my baby’, or ‘yes, I’m hassled and stressed, but I’m doing it all, aren’t I?’ All completely valid, but statements nevertheless!

Lottapianos · 09/04/2022 17:40

'It’s like when people bring babies to the office - just drives me mad.'

Same here. I've done the crying in the toilets thing more than once. The workplace and work events are such a haven if you're struggling with baby issues - it's an area of your life where you hope to be able to only deal with adults. And even if you don't find babies upsetting or emotional in any way, they are a huge distraction for everyone, and the event becomes all about them and the parent

Giraffesandbottoms · 09/04/2022 17:56

My babies were the same - only breastfed, wouldn’t take expressed milk, would spend all evening on me. I think, particularly given the 3 hours on public transport (with a baby?! I would rather put pins in my eyes!) I would give it a miss. I agree it’s an adult event btw but given the context of the charity would be more acceptable than usual to have a baby there.

But on balance I would not go.

Cascais · 09/04/2022 18:00

I’d be happy

Geezabreak82 · 09/04/2022 18:01

I've just seen your post saying its a maternal and newborn health charity - in which case I'd be really surprised if anyone objected!

RampantIvy · 09/04/2022 18:03

If I was a fellow attendee I wouldn't have a problem with someone bringing a baby. I voted no simply from my own experience of a cluster feeding baby.

Soontobe60 · 09/04/2022 18:06

@Karatema

We attended a dinner dance with my 8 week old! I was breast feeding. (My husband was being given an award). The reception staff looked after him (in his car seat) in their private room, (they offered, I hadn't asked). I had fed DS before I left home and he slept for 4 hours (I was very lucky). I popped out to check on him regularly. We left just before 11 and he started to reawaken just before we arrived home. I had to do a quick tour of the room with him before going home because most people knew I'd had a baby and they were surprised they'd not heard him scream during the evening!

You know your baby, if they are usually good then go for it!

Who in their right mind is happy to leave a baby with complete strangers for 4 hours in a car seat!!!!!
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