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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pils paying for meal out

169 replies

numananumana · 09/04/2022 03:33

So we invited pils to ours, they suggested we all go to our local pub for Sunday dinner. We explained we couldn't really afford it and offered to cook Sunday dinner at home. Pils offered to treat us which was lovely so we said yes. When we arrive at the pub fil says "right our treat, you just pay for the drinks" So we ended buying drinks for us, 2 dd's and ils, then when food is finished dd's want pudding mil helps then decide but then doesn't go to order it (you pay as you go at this pub) so I end up going up. All in we spent £40 Aibu to say if someone says my treat they mean the whole bill?

OP posts:
MakeItRain · 09/04/2022 03:45

Yes that sounds very thoughtless and annoying. Maybe it's because some people don't really understand what "I can't afford it" means. At least you know for next time, when you can completely but politely refuse to go. ("No sorry, we can't even afford a drink out at the moment.)

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 09/04/2022 03:51

I would have spoken up. We probably wouldn't have had the money to buy drinks etc, having been told it was their treat.
When they said "you buy the drinks" we would have just straight out said "we can't" or ordered squash and water all round once.
When DDs said they wanted pudfing, said "well Granny is treating us, you will have to ask her".or once MiL had helped them decide, said helpfully you need to go and order at the bar MiL"
That said, you were out in the spot. We've been poor for a long time and long ago got over being embarrassed about saying outright if we can't afford things. It was hard at first though.
Don't stew over this though or it will grow into a much bigger issue - just remember in future to check, or speak up.
There is no shame in not being able to afford things!

moonbedazzled · 09/04/2022 03:51

Why didn't your husband give his mum the pudding receipt and say, it's 9.95 or whatever? You're family. Can't you be up front with each other?

Totalwasteofpaper · 09/04/2022 04:40

Yanbu but you should have said no on the drinks or ordered water only.
Probably thoughtlessness on their side though.

It's a lesson learned. Your DH needs to be ultra clear and you both need to leave your wallets at home next time. And there will be a next time.

FellowFairyLights · 09/04/2022 04:57

Ugh, our in laws once offered to take us out for a meal, at a 2 meals for one place.
We got there, the place was full, kids running riot, and it was filthy.
Husband suggested another chain restaurant round the corner, which had nice views.
It was clean and pleasant, and cheap too, we paid though, as it was not two for one, and FIL complained about his food throughout.
Our last meal with them.

OutingHobby · 09/04/2022 05:01

Your husband should have spoken up

PinkSyCo · 09/04/2022 06:12

Your in laws obviously didn’t think you were as hard up as you said you were, and they were probably right or you would have just ordered water for yourselves. You should have okayed it with them before you ordered puddings for your kids if you were expecting them to pay for it too.

whyohwhy101 · 09/04/2022 06:32

That is really frustrating when they've said 'our treat'. Whenever I have said 'my treat' to someone, I've paid the full bill. Drinks and puddings can sometimes cost just as much as the meal!
You will know for next time to just say no if they mention going for a meal but it is very annoying this has happened.
Didn't your DH say anything at all to his parents when this happened?

ilovepuppies2019 · 09/04/2022 06:35

I think it would have been best to agree to the drinks and bring back a jug of water for everyone to share. Drinks aren't really necessary and needlessly increase the price of a meal out. I would suspect that drinks for that many people would cost as much as the meal if many were alcoholic? I go out a lot and there's not way I would agree to buy that many alcoholic drinks. You could have directed your DD to go up with MIL and buy the pudding or told her that you have pudding at home. I realise that you didn't expect this but there were ways to navigate this situation without paying out a load. If you're struggling then I think you have to speak out for yourselves in some circumstances and so that it will have to be water because you can't afford more. It's nothing to be embarrassed about (or I'm just passed that stage Grin).

GiltEdges · 09/04/2022 06:35

Everyone interprets things differently 🤷🏼‍♀️ If they paid for the meal, barring the drinks and desserts, for all of you then they must have spent considerably more than £40 so in their eyes they were infact “treating you”. You also evidently had enough money in your account or you wouldn’t have bought the drinks and desserts without querying it. If you really couldn’t afford them, you should have refused at the time, no point grumbling about it now.

parrotonthesofa · 09/04/2022 06:38

Well in that case you should have bought them a drink and got yourselves tap water. And yes a pp suggested when they said they wanted dessert you say well granny and grandad are paying so you'll have to ask them.

ilovepuppies2019 · 09/04/2022 06:38

@FellowFairyLights

Ugh, our in laws once offered to take us out for a meal, at a 2 meals for one place. We got there, the place was full, kids running riot, and it was filthy. Husband suggested another chain restaurant round the corner, which had nice views. It was clean and pleasant, and cheap too, we paid though, as it was not two for one, and FIL complained about his food throughout. Our last meal with them.
It sounds a bit grim but if FIL loved that place (or just LOVED a bargain) and went there often then you might have offended him by turning up your nose at the place (sorry if that wasn't really what you did but it might have been from his perspective). If he was treating then I can see that that didn't necessarily go down well. I took my friend to a place that I enjoyed and she was not happy with the 'greasy' food even though I paid. Then I wasn't happy. It goes wrong quickly!
Setthescenes · 09/04/2022 06:42

You also evidently had enough money in your account or you wouldn’t have bought the drinks and desserts without querying it.

What a judgemental comment. That money could have been earmarked for food shopping, gas/electric etc, and now OP has stress to manage to pay something else.

OP they were very unreasonable and you were on the spot - it would taint my view of them.

DropYourSword · 09/04/2022 06:49

@Setthescenes

You also evidently had enough money in your account or you wouldn’t have bought the drinks and desserts without querying it.

What a judgemental comment. That money could have been earmarked for food shopping, gas/electric etc, and now OP has stress to manage to pay something else.

OP they were very unreasonable and you were on the spot - it would taint my view of them.

I don't think its judgemental. I think it's true.

If you truly can't afford something you don't buy it. If I was in charge of buying drinks and had no money to spend it would be tap water all round. If my child wanted desert and I couldn't afford it they'd just be told sorry, no.

I don't know why OP would have spent money where she didn't need to and needs to now "stress manage" things. These were totally unnecessary and avoidable purchases!

UsernameA1B2 · 09/04/2022 06:50

My treat means paying the whole bill. How many drinks did you have to get? Could you have just got a jug of water and explained this is all we can afford at the moment.

ilovepuppies2019 · 09/04/2022 06:51

@Setthescenes

You also evidently had enough money in your account or you wouldn’t have bought the drinks and desserts without querying it.

What a judgemental comment. That money could have been earmarked for food shopping, gas/electric etc, and now OP has stress to manage to pay something else.

OP they were very unreasonable and you were on the spot - it would taint my view of them.

I think it's unfair to view the PIL in a negative light. It sounds like the OP could have just said 'great to the drinks but we'll need to have water as we're a bit short this month.' Then the PIL could have decided if they wanted to purchase the drinks. Direct the pudding back to MIL or say no sorry darling but we'll get an ice cream cone at McDonalds later which costs about 50 cents. I understand why the OP didn't as she and her partner were on the spot but this isn't PIL fault either.
OutingHobby · 09/04/2022 06:52

@Setthescenes

You also evidently had enough money in your account or you wouldn’t have bought the drinks and desserts without querying it.

What a judgemental comment. That money could have been earmarked for food shopping, gas/electric etc, and now OP has stress to manage to pay something else.

OP they were very unreasonable and you were on the spot - it would taint my view of them.

It's not judgemental at all. If they didn't have the money in the account they needed to stand up for themselves and say hang on, we told you we don't have the money. Why is DH so incapable of telling his family no we are broke.
OutingHobby · 09/04/2022 06:53

@FellowFairyLights

Ugh, our in laws once offered to take us out for a meal, at a 2 meals for one place. We got there, the place was full, kids running riot, and it was filthy. Husband suggested another chain restaurant round the corner, which had nice views. It was clean and pleasant, and cheap too, we paid though, as it was not two for one, and FIL complained about his food throughout. Our last meal with them.
Well yeah, he's offered to take you somewhere he liked the look of and you've got all snobby about it.
Sunnysidegold · 09/04/2022 06:56

What did pils have to drink? I'd be annoyed at the unexpected expense of drinks.

If they had asked for, say wine, and I had to go to the bar and order it if have bought a glass each and a jug of water. I would just say to the daughter that you'll have dessert later.

Forty pounds is a chunk of cash when you're expecting not to have to pay anything. What did your partner say when it happened? I'd expect him to say something as they're his parents.

OutingHobby · 09/04/2022 07:03

What did pils have to drink? I'd be annoyed at the unexpected expense of drinks. it wasn't unexpected FIL bought it up at the very start when they arrived. That is when DH should have piped up.

LaNozzeDiFigaro · 09/04/2022 07:07

I think this is one of those things you learn from. If it happens again then water/squash for you guys and then PILs have what they want as a thank you. You having water would most likely reiterate they can't have an unlimited amount or perhaps say ok, we will get the first round. It's so hard isn't it. There is no shame in having a few bad months or so but we all seem to think there is. It's also hard to not feel you're taking advantage of them if you only return one drink. Just be firm.

Reminds me of the time my DF offered to take me and DP out for a meal. DP said he had no money so would sit this one out but thank you for invite. DF said oh don't worry, I've been there. My treat. Then when we got to the place, DF ordered drinks and food for me and him and paid and stepped back. To avoid awkwardness DP just got himself a drink but it was all awkward as my dad just didn't speak after that really so I had to keep a meals worth of conversation going myself. I later (like years later) found out that DP had put £2 in the fruit machine and my dad thought if he had that to waste he could pay for himself. Nowadays it wouldn't be a problem or I would be brave enough to say what are you playing at but 18 year old me was terrified.

Ineedaduvetday · 09/04/2022 07:07

I'd expect them to pay for the whole bill but they do sound tight. Clearly they felt it cheeky that your dd's wanted pudding so they stayed silent.

If you didn’t have the money, why buy drinks and puddings? Water for you and drinks for Pil, no puddings.

dottydodah · 09/04/2022 07:08

We treat our Son and his partner .The whole of the meal! Drinks and puds soon add up! Make clear you cant afford to do add ons and have Lunch at home /picnic out as you suggested

DropYourSword · 09/04/2022 07:09

@Ineedaduvetday

I'd expect them to pay for the whole bill but they do sound tight. Clearly they felt it cheeky that your dd's wanted pudding so they stayed silent.

If you didn’t have the money, why buy drinks and puddings? Water for you and drinks for Pil, no puddings.

Tight?! They paid for 6 meals!
Womencanlift · 09/04/2022 07:13

@FellowFairyLights

Ugh, our in laws once offered to take us out for a meal, at a 2 meals for one place. We got there, the place was full, kids running riot, and it was filthy. Husband suggested another chain restaurant round the corner, which had nice views. It was clean and pleasant, and cheap too, we paid though, as it was not two for one, and FIL complained about his food throughout. Our last meal with them.
Not the same as the OP at all. In fact you and your husband were pretty rude to your FIL.

Unless it’s for your birthday or similar celebratory event, if someone is treating you then be gracious and accept where they take you

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