Page 7 | Pils paying for meal out

rookiemere · 09/04/2022 15:51

@numananumana I definitely feel your ILs were playing some game with you, what it was it's hard to tell as I certainly wouldn't be eating out with them again.

billy1966 · 09/04/2022 16:06

They certainly don't sound nice that's for sure.

I find it extraordinary that despite being told straight up that things are tight, you having children, wanting to stay home, they stiff you like that.

Just awful behaviour.

So unkind.

ManyATime · 09/04/2022 16:12

[quote rookiemere]@numananumana I definitely feel your ILs were playing some game with you, what it was it's hard to tell as I certainly wouldn't be eating out with them again.[/quote]
I don’t think it’s all that complicated. As the OP said they wanted to go out but not really to pay. They got their own way through sharp practice.
Things seem to have changed. All my experiences of old men, starting with my grandfather, are of always insisting on paying for everything and tipping everyone. OK not a huge sample.

rookiemere · 09/04/2022 16:22

@ManyATime the MIL encouraged the DDs to have dessert then didn't pay for it . Seems a little passive aggressive to me.

Original poster

numananumana · 09/04/2022 16:23

@MaudieandMe

I think YAB a bit U as you’re complaining afterwards instead of having a few direct conversations with them at the time, when you could have resolved any misunderstandings very quickly and easily.

You said you couldn’t afford lunch out but you obviously didn’t re-iterate this when they left you paying for drinks. They don’t know what your income and expenditure is so they may have thought paying halves would be fine, when it wasn’t.

It’s your responsibility to be crystal clear and not expect them to second guess what you meant.

All you had to say was ‘our finances are very tight this month and we simply can’t afford to pay more than £X towards this lunch’.

I have adult children and young grandchildren and have absolutely no idea what their finances are like.

Fair point

OP posts:

ManyATime · 09/04/2022 16:34

[quote rookiemere]@ManyATime the MIL encouraged the DDs to have dessert then didn't pay for it . Seems a little passive aggressive to me.[/quote]
Yes. It seems to indicate that they not only didn’t want to pay, but resented being put in the position of having to offer. Ie “we may have offered but you should have known we didn’t want to/wouldn’t have if you hadn’t claimed to be skint.”
Horrible!

Madre123 · 09/04/2022 16:43

I have just spent that amount on my groceries for the week! Completely thoughtless....

phoenixrosehere · 09/04/2022 16:55

I have adult children and young grandchildren and have absolutely no idea what their finances are like.

And other families are the opposite. Both my parents and in-laws wouldn’t do what OP’s in-laws did because money is discussed openly and isn’t a taboo subject. Both DH and I’s parents went through rough patches and their families supported them in some way or another until they got back on their feet. If someone said they couldn’t afford something you took them at their word not play mind games or have terms and conditions to it. Yes, it can be a difficult discussion or to say that you’re struggling with money but family members shouldn’t take advantage of that or ignore it for their own personal means.

Blueberrycreampie · 09/04/2022 17:02

I think the main issue here is you would not have thought about going out for a meal had your ils not offered to pay and encouraged you to go. This would wind me up too and expecting you to pay for their expensive drinks and puddings is very thoughtless. You should have gone out with a few pounds only and offered it to them!

LakieLady · 09/04/2022 17:15

Among my friends and family, if someone says they're treating you, it means the whole thing - all the food and all the drinks.

Original poster

numananumana · 09/04/2022 17:17

@ManyATime

I think you need to have your wits about you when you stay with them if they are this bossy when they stay with you! Is this the first time you’ve had a serious problem with them?

No you are right there has been other times, once when dd was a baby they offered to have her overnight to give us a break. We were so excited, we had no intention of going out. Just takeaway and bed. The day before mil rang, they decided they would stay at ours instead. We tried to explain we were staying in not going out but they just said that's fine you can watch a film in your room we will cook for you! They did a cook a lovely meal but of course dd wouldn't let them put her to bed and we didn't feel we could sit in our room while they sat downstairs so we all watched a film together. The thing is they genuinely thought they had done us a favour.!

I think fil really thinks he's helping, mil I think sometimes likes getting one up on me. We get on fine but she can be a bit bitchy.

OP posts:

JarvisCockersRightEyebrow · 09/04/2022 17:49

[quote TippledPink]@LaNozzeDiFigaro I kind of understand where your Dad was coming from though and might have done the same myself! If you really have no money, you wouldn't waste £2 in a fruit machine. Your Dad probably thought he was taking the piss trying to get a free meal.[/quote]
Agreed!

Bootwall · 09/04/2022 20:10

It sounds like they do whatever suits them and literally ignore whatever you say!

billy1966 · 09/04/2022 20:14

@Bootwall

It sounds like they do whatever suits them and literally ignore whatever you say!

This.

They are really not nice.

Wake up and get that.

Treating a person means everything.
Everything.

Now you know!

RedHelenB · 09/04/2022 21:32

@numananumana

So we invited pils to ours, they suggested we all go to our local pub for Sunday dinner. We explained we couldn't really afford it and offered to cook Sunday dinner at home. Pils offered to treat us which was lovely so we said yes. When we arrive at the pub fil says "right our treat, you just pay for the drinks" So we ended buying drinks for us, 2 dd's and ils, then when food is finished dd's want pudding mil helps then decide but then doesn't go to order it (you pay as you go at this pub) so I end up going up. All in we spent £40 Aibu to say if someone says my treat they mean the whole bill?

You should have said no to pudding or asked PIL if it was OK for them to buy pudding for dds. Yabu.

Jalepenojello · 10/04/2022 12:11

Would ingredients for a Sunday dinner for all not cost more than the drinks? Maybe that was their logic? Dessert is annoying, they probably didn’t even click since your DD was the only one getting dessert. I’d have just said no DC, we can grab something at home. You didn’t need to order anything

ManyATime · 10/04/2022 17:37

@Jalepenojello

Would ingredients for a Sunday dinner for all not cost more than the drinks? Maybe that was their logic? Dessert is annoying, they probably didn’t even click since your DD was the only one getting dessert. I’d have just said no DC, we can grab something at home. You didn’t need to order anything

Firstly, it’s been established that ingredients for a home-cooked Sunday dinner for 6 would cost the OP less than ten quid in Aldi. Secondly, there’s a big difference between spending money on providing hospitality and spending money because your so-called host demands it. Thirdly, what kind of message does it send the children if someone offers to buy you dinner and you aren’t allowed pudding. OP has also addressed this point.

Actupfishy · 10/04/2022 19:33

Sorry, you should have said no to your kids getting a dessert and tell them they could have something at home

PinkSyCo · 10/04/2022 23:00

PinkSyCo
Your in laws obviously didn’t think you were as hard up as you said you were, and they were probably right or you would have just ordered water for yourselves. You should have okayed it with them before you ordered puddings for your kids if you were expecting them to pay for it too.

They had 2 alcoholic drinks each we stuck to soft. Mil spoke about pudding to them.

Yep I have now read the whole thread and my view has changed. It was out of order of your in-laws to get two alcoholic drinks each, and your MIL encouraging your DC to have a pudding but not paying for it was strange at best, spiteful at worst.