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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pils paying for meal out

169 replies

numananumana · 09/04/2022 03:33

So we invited pils to ours, they suggested we all go to our local pub for Sunday dinner. We explained we couldn't really afford it and offered to cook Sunday dinner at home. Pils offered to treat us which was lovely so we said yes. When we arrive at the pub fil says "right our treat, you just pay for the drinks" So we ended buying drinks for us, 2 dd's and ils, then when food is finished dd's want pudding mil helps then decide but then doesn't go to order it (you pay as you go at this pub) so I end up going up. All in we spent £40 Aibu to say if someone says my treat they mean the whole bill?

OP posts:
A580Hojas · 09/04/2022 07:49

Your pil sound a bit thick. They clearly don't understand the meaning of "our treat".

Setthescenes · 09/04/2022 07:56

If I was in charge of buying drinks and had no money to spend it would be tap water all round

You can't choose what someone else orders - and the fact PILs chose alcoholic drinks makes it even worse, they evidently don't appreciate what 'can't afford it' means.

Why should the OP have to be uncomfortable? The PILs previously said they would treat them. They didn't caveat it with "except drinks and puddings". And I think posters underestimate how hard it can be being put on the spot.

It's easy with hindsight to see what could/should have been said, but ultimately here the PILs have been unreasonable.

SandyY2K · 09/04/2022 07:56

They should have paid for EVERYTHING. At least you know for next time.

Original poster
numananumana · 09/04/2022 07:57

I agree badly managed I think we were on the spot. We bought first round and were surprised but thought fair enough. Second drink fil said to dh let's go to the bar ordered his drinks and stood back while dh paid. Yes he should have said. We did get water for table they had that too. We never had a second drink. Dessert I never mentioned it was mil who did. Dh was at bar with fil and mil just looked at me so I felt awkward and just paid. Dh didn't know about dessert till after. We paid £40 for drinks and dessert, think food was just over £50 so nearly split. I'm annoyed because we wouldn't have gone if I'd known.

OP posts:
hattie43 · 09/04/2022 08:00

@A580Hojas

Your pil sound a bit thick. They clearly don't understand the meaning of "our treat".
I think this is unfair . People won't assume someone who says they're skint literally can't afford one round of drinks . A lot of people say they're skint but you'd never equate it to no seriously we cannot afford anything other than tap water .
KatieKat88 · 09/04/2022 08:02

@numananumana

I agree badly managed I think we were on the spot. We bought first round and were surprised but thought fair enough. Second drink fil said to dh let's go to the bar ordered his drinks and stood back while dh paid. Yes he should have said. We did get water for table they had that too. We never had a second drink. Dessert I never mentioned it was mil who did. Dh was at bar with fil and mil just looked at me so I felt awkward and just paid. Dh didn't know about dessert till after. We paid £40 for drinks and dessert, think food was just over £50 so nearly split. I'm annoyed because we wouldn't have gone if I'd known.
I think you're fair enough to be annoyed when it was all their idea. At this point though chalk it up to experience and next time don't go! Generally it'd be nice to split like that but if you've said you can't afford it and they've said they'll treat you YANBU.
Divaship · 09/04/2022 08:02

You should have said "no" to your kids when they asked for pudding, they probably didn't need it after a huge roast anyway especially as you say you couldn't afford it. You do sound rather tight in all honesty, we went for a roast last weekend and it was £18 each for roast beef, not including a glass of red wine and a G&T but we chose to add those, the bill for hubby and I alone came to well over £50. You should be grateful that he offered to pay as I'm sure that he paid a significant amount already to feed everyone. In all honesty, if you can't afford a round of soft drinks for everyone, you shouldn't be accepting in the first place, and it's very entitled of you to expect pudding to be bought for your kids too (you probably would have spent more buying ingredients for a sunday roast cooked at home than buying a round of drinks).

rookiemere · 09/04/2022 08:04

@Divaship have you read any of the OPs subsequent posts ? She explains most of your odd assumptions.

rookiemere · 09/04/2022 08:06

Also it's not like OP demanded they be took out for lunch, she was perfectly happy to prepare a free meal for them at home.

hattie43 · 09/04/2022 08:07

@Divaship

You should have said "no" to your kids when they asked for pudding, they probably didn't need it after a huge roast anyway especially as you say you couldn't afford it. You do sound rather tight in all honesty, we went for a roast last weekend and it was £18 each for roast beef, not including a glass of red wine and a G&T but we chose to add those, the bill for hubby and I alone came to well over £50. You should be grateful that he offered to pay as I'm sure that he paid a significant amount already to feed everyone. In all honesty, if you can't afford a round of soft drinks for everyone, you shouldn't be accepting in the first place, and it's very entitled of you to expect pudding to be bought for your kids too (you probably would have spent more buying ingredients for a sunday roast cooked at home than buying a round of drinks).
I agree . It's normal etiquette to pay for a round of drinks if someone takes you out for a meal . No different to taking a bottle of wine to a dinner party invite . Rude to turn up empty handed .
hattie43 · 09/04/2022 08:08

@rookiemere

Also it's not like OP demanded they be took out for lunch, she was perfectly happy to prepare a free meal for them at home.
Maybe they thought it nice that OP didn't have to slave away in the kitchen .
Xmasbaby11 · 09/04/2022 08:09

Yanbu. It is thoughtless of pil. £40 is loads of money to shell out when you weren't expecting to pay anything. It's obviously not a lot of money to them if they don't think it's a big deal.

rookiemere · 09/04/2022 08:10

@hattie43 real nice to make your hosts pay for expensive drinks and desserts when told that they would be paying.
Surely etiquette dictates that guests pay for a meal in its entirety after enjoying free lodging.

Iwonder08 · 09/04/2022 08:14

YABU. If you don't have money to spend/don't want to spend it then don't go out. I think it was also bad manners to say you cant afford a meal out and essentially putting your in laws in position to offer to take you out. You should have declined. Decent people would always offer to pay for drinks at least even if they were invited out.

rookiemere · 09/04/2022 08:15

@Iwonder08 it sounds like PILs were very keen on eating out - I mean as a guest I think it's somewhat rude to insist on going to a restaurant when your host has bought ingredients and offered to make a meal.

Ineedaduvetday · 09/04/2022 08:17

@DropYourSword

And they bought a meal out.

But Pils didn't say that, they said they 'treat' OP and to me that means the total cost of the meal out including drinks etc. To me that is very different to buying a main course only.

Sswhinesthebest · 09/04/2022 08:17

Well you’ll turn them down next time.

Indicatrice · 09/04/2022 08:18

It sounds like PIL resented the offer as soon as they made it and tried to claw it back by making you pay for drinks and dds’ desserts.

What are they like usually, do they turn up expecting to be fed?

TolkiensFallow · 09/04/2022 08:21

The etiquette is to pay if you are offering to treat - to me the only exception I’d if you’d ordered something hugely extravagant such as a bottle of champagne.

hattie43 · 09/04/2022 08:21

[quote rookiemere]@hattie43 real nice to make your hosts pay for expensive drinks and desserts when told that they would be paying.
Surely etiquette dictates that guests pay for a meal in its entirety after enjoying free lodging.[/quote]

Nope . You'd never assume someone literally has zero money to pay for a round of drinks .
If that was the case OP should have said no she has bought the makings of a meal and is cooking at home . Did they really put their coats on expecting to pay absolutely nothing , they aren't children adults are expected to share costs and offer a round of drinks .

Where I do think PIL are wrong here is not paying for deserts .

ManyATime · 09/04/2022 08:23

“I think this is unfair .
People won't assume someone who says they're skint literally can't afford one round of drinks . A lot of people say they're skint but you'd never equate it to no seriously we cannot afford anything other than tap water”

‘Thick’ was generous. They wanted to eat out, but not to pay. They sound mean and selfish. Whatever your knowledge of people’s finances, skint should be taken literally. It’s a question of control and consent.

Indicatrice · 09/04/2022 08:24

@hattie43 you would make someone pay for drinks after they said they can’t afford to eat out and offered to cook at home? That’s reprehensible.

Darbs76 · 09/04/2022 08:27

I guess if they knew you could afford to cook them a Sunday roast you could afford a round of drinks, as it’s a similar cost, unless you had a big joint in enough for 6 people and all the other sides.

Boomerwang · 09/04/2022 08:30

It sounds to me they might be out of touch with costs these days, which isn't difficult to do seeing as everything is shooting up in price now. It's quite well known, however, that drinks are where the profits are made.

If it were me I'd put that down to experience and let it go. No need to sour a relationship over something that's happened once and won't happen again since you're in a position to stop it in the future. If there's a next time perhaps they could bring dessert to your house instead or a bottle of something.

I personally wouldn't want to keep dining out on their cash even if they footed the entire bill (exceptions for a birthday or something) because I wouldn't want attention drawn to my finances, including my own attention.

hattie43 · 09/04/2022 08:31

[quote Indicatrice]@hattie43 you would make someone pay for drinks after they said they can’t afford to eat out and offered to cook at home? That’s reprehensible.[/quote]

I wouldn't make anyone pay for anything but equally I wouldn't accept a meal out if I couldn't buy a round of drinks , it's basic etiquette to buy your hosts a round .

In my friends / family it works that if someone says I'll treat you to a meal you buy the first round of drinks and the host pays for the starters , mains , deserts and subsequent drinks at the table .

I don't know anyone who couldn't afford a round of drinks but if I knew beforehand I'd make it very clear everything was on me .