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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pils paying for meal out

169 replies

numananumana · 09/04/2022 03:33

So we invited pils to ours, they suggested we all go to our local pub for Sunday dinner. We explained we couldn't really afford it and offered to cook Sunday dinner at home. Pils offered to treat us which was lovely so we said yes. When we arrive at the pub fil says "right our treat, you just pay for the drinks" So we ended buying drinks for us, 2 dd's and ils, then when food is finished dd's want pudding mil helps then decide but then doesn't go to order it (you pay as you go at this pub) so I end up going up. All in we spent £40 Aibu to say if someone says my treat they mean the whole bill?

OP posts:

Indicatrice · 09/04/2022 08:33

@hattie43 if you wouldn’t do what PIL did then you know what they did was wrong. Simple as.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/04/2022 08:33

Yanbu.
Yes, you basically split the bill. Your in laws are insufferably rude to tell you to pay for the drinks having invited you out. However, you and your dh also would do well to assert yourselves more. Say what you can and can’t pay for. Your dh didn’t need to go to the bar as it was only your mil and fil getting drinks for example. With your mil, next time, if there is a next time. Sorry mil, I cannot afford to pay for this and turn to the server and say you don’t want the pudding.

I get that is incredibly difficult.

rookiemere · 09/04/2022 08:38

There would be no next time for me, unless I went prepared to pay for my families meals and drinks alone with a completely separate bill for the ILs.

It may well have been cheaper for OP and family to have done this in this instance. Childrens meals are usually very cheap, and if they'd known they had to pay for it, they wouldn't have encouraged DDs to have a dessert.

It almost feels like ILs were trying to teach you a lesson, but the only one I'd take is to avoid meals out with them in the future.

BarbaraofSeville · 09/04/2022 08:40

^I think this is unfair .
People won't assume someone who says they're skint literally can't afford one round of drinks . A lot of people say they're skint but you'd never equate it to no seriously we cannot afford anything other than tap water^

But it can mean 'we cannot afford anything other than tap water'. Drinks in pubs are ridiculously expensive and add up quickly, as illustrated by the OPs £40 bill.

£40 will feed a family for several days so is not a sum you drop lightly on drinks that you didn't expect to pay for when someone else had reassured you that were paying.

If you can't understand the difficulty that they have caused for the OP then you have never been truely 'skint'.

OP . I've seen it on a couple of threads now and I think it's worth saying again. We all need to get a lot more comfortable with saying 'I cannot afford it' and also respecting other people when they say that and that they mean 'I have no money to spend on that' and not assume that it's OK if it's 'only' £X or whatever.

ZenNudist · 09/04/2022 08:45

Agree with others. I often go out with friends and family who order water to be cost conscious and puddings and starters are a no no.

If my parents are paying we don't let the kids order dessert. I tell them we will get them something at home. I'm not even hard up but I don't want to take the piss and my dad doesn't approve of dessert so we get it only when we pay.

Buying them a drink as a thank you is polite. This didn't need to come to £40 extra. Clearly you did have the money but would have liked it for other things.

phoenixrosehere · 09/04/2022 08:45

I think this is unfair .
People won't assume someone who says they're skint literally can't afford one round of drinks . A lot of people say they're skint but you'd never equate it to no seriously we cannot afford anything other than tap water.

I disagree. Meals include beverages for the majority of people. If you say, you’re treating people to a meal, that includes the beverage (sans alcohol) and if someone chose not to drink something that would be ok but stingy not to pay for beverages when you’ve chosen to treat someone. If you’re not going to do so, you say that up front before going or you don’t say you’re treating people at all.

CuddlyCactus · 09/04/2022 08:46

You are right OP, if someone says they're treating you that generally means they are covering everything.
Unless they had specifically said at the time you were paying for everyone's drinks.
But it's your DH parents. Why on earth did he not feel comfortable enough to say money was too tight to cover drinks for everyone? I'd be horrified to think my DC would never feel able to speak up and tell me if money was tight so I could try to help.
Did your DH feel PIL short of cash too? Could none of you really afford it?

ImAvingOops · 09/04/2022 08:56

I think saying 'my treat' means that they should have paid. If the OP spends nearly as much on drinks/pudding than the ils have spent on the main meal then that's a split bill and the ils haven't done what they said they'd do!

NamechangeApril21 · 09/04/2022 08:57

@ZenNudist

Agree with others. I often go out with friends and family who order water to be cost conscious and puddings and starters are a no no.

Buying them a drink as a thank you is polite. This didn't need to come to £40 extra. Clearly you did have the money but would have liked it for other things.

Clearly you did have the money but would have liked it for other things

Yes, like £40 worth of bills perhaps 🙄 What an I sensitive comment.

She wanted to cook for them, they wanted to eat out, she told them she couldn't afford it, they said they'd pay.

Pegasussnail · 09/04/2022 08:58

They were cheeky when you kindly offered to cook. Lesson learned here. Don't go again.
You can still be friendly and so on. But they obviously had a chat in the car before they arrived and didn't want to foot the bill.
They don't sound very nice.

Maybeitstimeforachange · 09/04/2022 09:00

I’m assuming this is not the 1st time you’ve been out for a meal with them - so you would know if they usually expect the 1st round of drinks.

ImAvingOops · 09/04/2022 09:00

Even if the OP could afford it, she wasn't the one who wanted to go out - she was happy cooking for everyone at home. It was the ils who pushed to go out and made the offer.

Courante · 09/04/2022 09:05

YANBU - if I was claiming to be treating someone then I would very much expect to cover the full bill including drinks. They should have made it clear at the decision stage, not when already there, that they were offering to pay for the mains, but nothing else and expected you to treat them to drinks.

phoenixrosehere · 09/04/2022 09:07

She wanted to cook for them, they wanted to eat out, she told them she couldn't afford it, they said they'd pay.

Exactly. If the in-laws hadn’t said they would treat them, OP wouldn’t have gone in the first place.

I’m assuming this is not the 1st time you’ve been out for a meal with them - so you would know if they usually expect the 1st round of drinks.

Not if someone says they are treating you after you have explained you can’t afford to eat out.

ManyATime · 09/04/2022 09:07

I think you need to have your wits about you when you stay with them if they are this bossy when they stay with you!
Is this the first time you’ve had a serious problem with them?

Quartz2208 · 09/04/2022 09:21

I cant believe they ordered 2 alcoholic drinks and encourage your DD to have a pudding - that is not on I would be annoyed

SmallPrawnEnergy · 09/04/2022 09:29

I wouldn't accept a meal out if I couldn't buy a round of drinks , it's basic etiquette to buy your hosts a round
It’s not accepting a meal out though it’s attending a meal out on the premises that your guests are paying for everything. Basic etiquette is saying please and thank you, not your personal eccentricities about drink purchasing.

I don't know anyone who couldn't afford a round of drinks
Well aren’t you and your social circle very privileged.

Clueless

SmallPrawnEnergy · 09/04/2022 09:31

@hattie43. I'd find it very embarrassing if someone couldn't even afford a round of drinks tbh
Omg you get worse. Good
Job you don’t know any of us embarrassing poor people innit!

hattie43 · 09/04/2022 09:32

@SmallPrawnEnergy

I wouldn't accept a meal out if I couldn't buy a round of drinks , it's basic etiquette to buy your hosts a round It’s not accepting a meal out though it’s attending a meal out on the premises that your guests are paying for everything. Basic etiquette is saying please and thank you, not your personal eccentricities about drink purchasing.

I don't know anyone who couldn't afford a round of drinks
Well aren’t you and your social circle very privileged.

Clueless

Yes , I think this is the issue with a lot of MN threads , different social circles , different levels of income and different social norms .

nettie434 · 09/04/2022 09:33

If I suggested a meal out and the other person said they couldn't afford it, then 'my treat' would definitely cover everything. The OP said her parents in law had two rounds. In my experience, a large glass of wine can cost as much as some mains and definitely more than most starters or puddings. I even paid £2.90 for a tonic water in a London pub last week so even a round of soft drinks would have cost more than the OP's £10 home cooked roast. I know tap water would cost nothing but I wouldn't have been brave enough to have stood my ground with someone saying the food was on them but I had to buy the drinks.

Numananumana It's miserable to have lost that £40 you had earmarked for something else but at least next time you can stand your ground and say it's a home cooked meal or nothing. Personally if someone offered to cook me a roast at home rather than go to the pub, I'd be delighted.

Ozanj · 09/04/2022 09:36

Not sure why you bought drinks for yourselves? If you couldn’t afford it then you should have just got a drink for in laws and asked for a jug of water for yourselves. As for pudding - why didn’t you direct your toddler to granny? She could then have gone to the counter with her to choose something.

millymae · 09/04/2022 09:37

Had you known you had to foot the drinks bill before you got there would you have still gone? If the answer to this is no, then you should have said that you couldn’t afford it as soon as FIL mentioned what the arrangement was.
You spent £40 on drinks but had the in laws come to you it would have cost you something to host them in terms of money spent and effort so if you take this into account the financial hit was not quite so great.
What I’ve learned is that families have different views about finances -
my parents have always been happy to spend what they have to provide treats while they are living and can see the enjoyment we get. OH’ s family were very different and when he lived at home and went out for a family meal with them he was expected to pay his own way. As a result he always offers to chip in for something if we go out together as a family now.
His view would be that there was nothing wrong with what OPs FIL said and he was generous in paying for the food - mine would be that he should have footed the whole bill because he made the offer to go.

limitedperiodonly · 09/04/2022 09:38

Do your PIL get other people to subsidise their outings like this? Cheeky bastards.

Clymene · 09/04/2022 09:38

Well you know now they're tight. Next time say no

CakeIsNotALuxury · 09/04/2022 09:41

Next time say no. I wouldn't be pleased either.

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