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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pils paying for meal out

169 replies

numananumana · 09/04/2022 03:33

So we invited pils to ours, they suggested we all go to our local pub for Sunday dinner. We explained we couldn't really afford it and offered to cook Sunday dinner at home. Pils offered to treat us which was lovely so we said yes. When we arrive at the pub fil says "right our treat, you just pay for the drinks" So we ended buying drinks for us, 2 dd's and ils, then when food is finished dd's want pudding mil helps then decide but then doesn't go to order it (you pay as you go at this pub) so I end up going up. All in we spent £40 Aibu to say if someone says my treat they mean the whole bill?

OP posts:
CompletelyNewAgain · 09/04/2022 11:42

EURGH! My inlaws do something similar but I've learnt from it. One memorable time they came round (DH picked them up, long story it was only way to see them) and we didn't have much food in. They are well aware that we didn't have a large income. I said we can go to the shop and all choose something to cook or go out, but I stressed several times that the prices here even at local pubs are expensive. I even outlined the average meal prices per head. They chose to go out. When it came to the bill, I had really assumed we would split it but they did that awkward just sitting there thing until my enabler DH finally reached for his wallet and paid, then they resumed conversation. I was so annoyed. I know I should have said something at the time but I've made it clear that it's not going to happen again.

Now I just face the awkwardness head on by breezily declaring "right, it's time to split the bill!" They are capitalising on your awkwardness and embarrassment.

VerifiedBot2351 · 09/04/2022 11:43

I’d be annoyed too.

Viviennemary · 09/04/2022 11:44

I think that's cheeky of them. Wouldn't be accepting their invitations again.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 09/04/2022 11:48

Yeah I think it's cheeky and I wouldn't be going out with them again unless I could afford to pay for myself

Danceandyouwillfeelbetter · 09/04/2022 11:49

@GiltEdges

Everyone interprets things differently 🤷🏼‍♀️ If they paid for the meal, barring the drinks and desserts, for all of you then they must have spent considerably more than £40 so in their eyes they were infact “treating you”. You also evidently had enough money in your account or you wouldn’t have bought the drinks and desserts without querying it. If you really couldn’t afford them, you should have refused at the time, no point grumbling about it now.
Harsh! Is it just an online thing or are you normally like this?
LindaEllen · 09/04/2022 11:52

Yeah it's not fair, that. You offered to cook dinner, they insisted on going out and said it would be their treat. 'I can't afford it' doesn't mean you suddenly have £40 to drop on it. Although you could (and should) have said no to dessert.

Doggirl · 09/04/2022 12:01

I'm clearly out of touch, because wondering how 6 drinks (at least 2 of which must have been draft lemonade or similar, if being bought for young kids) + 2 puddings comes to £40.

DH typically drinks tap water with meals out. We're not hard up, but he just doesn't enjoy drinks enough to warrant buying them for himself more than occasionally. Will have a half of beer if in a pub,

dianthus101 · 09/04/2022 12:05

That is really rude and annoying of them, especially as they probably think that they have "treated you" even though you probably paid a similar amount to them in the end. I would refuse to ever go out with them in future and if they want to say it's "their treat" point out what happened last time.

LookItsMeAgain · 09/04/2022 12:21

Your DH needs to have a word (even after the event) with his parents. He needs to say something like "Mum...Dad...do you remember when numananumana and I said that we couldn't afford to go out for dinner and you said you'd pay? Why did we get landed with the drinks bill then?? And the bill for pudding too?? The money that we were made spend on the drinks & pudding would have been able to feed us for a week if we'd eaten at home. Can you give me the money please for the drinks & pudding as you said you were going to treat us?"

Worst case they refuse to give you back the money and they get all flustered and ticked off about it.
Best case, they give you the money, they might get flustered about it and say that they didn't realise that you're so hard up for money or whatever but you'll end up with your money back and they will have realised that they can't do that again.

cantbecoping · 09/04/2022 12:22

@Doggirl

I'm clearly out of touch, because wondering how 6 drinks (at least 2 of which must have been draft lemonade or similar, if being bought for young kids) + 2 puddings comes to £40.

DH typically drinks tap water with meals out. We're not hard up, but he just doesn't enjoy drinks enough to warrant buying them for himself more than occasionally. Will have a half of beer if in a pub,

Me too, I cannot understand how it came to 40 quid.
liveforsummer · 09/04/2022 12:24

@Doggirl in our local community pub a large glass of wine is £6.40 times that by 4 and that's over £25 just for 2 adults to have 2 glasses each. A post mix cola or lemonade is £2.80 for a regular glass.

FrownedUpon · 09/04/2022 12:28

You should have said no to the puddings. Why would you pay for them if you really can’t afford it?

ImAvingOops · 09/04/2022 12:34

It could easily come to £40 because the in-laws had 2 alcoholic drinks each, plus 4 soft drinks for OP, her DH and 2 dc and then a pudding.

Sundancerintherain · 09/04/2022 12:34

Yup, fil did the same to us.
We were on the bones of our arses, MIL ( they divorced donkeys years ago) had just been placed into an EMI care home abroad ( her home country) and whilst funding was being sorted DH and I were paying ( I didn't mind at all, I loved my MIL ).DH self employed and had missed weeks of work sorting it all out, I'd increased my hours at work to FT but not yet been paid ( month in hand) .
FIL and SMIL arrived uninvited one Sunday and insisted on taking us out for a carvery, their treat.
FIL knew our financial position, DH had to get some paperwork from FIL and had told him. The bill arrived & FIL told us our share was £Xxx. He and SMIL had shared a bottle of wine, we all had water, he put the wine on our bill. It was more than our food shopping money for the week. I wanted to burst into tears. We paid but DH told his dad what he thought of him outside, away from the children.

The twist was that SMIL had no idea how broke we were until she heard the row and sent us a pre paid Asda card through the post a few days later, bless her.

transformandriseup · 09/04/2022 12:36

I think treat should have meant the whole bill. £40 is a lot to some and I think it's best just to turn them down if they offer again if you genuinely can't afford it.

tttigress · 09/04/2022 12:40

I suppose it depends on the financial situation of your PIL.

TBH I won't just pay for the pudding, especially if o was expecting to pay for 4 people originally.

tttigress · 09/04/2022 12:44

Ok, I have just re read the original post. As you said you couldn't really afford it, the PIL should have paid. Or they should have specified they were not paying for desserts.

I hate people who act all generous and then don't come through.

phoenixrosehere · 09/04/2022 13:00

They had 2 alcoholic drinks each we stuck to soft. Mil spoke about pudding to them.

This would have annoyed me and I would have given DH an earful when we got home. I would have also told MIL “that’s lovely of you to want to buy pudding for the grandchildren” since she chose to suggest it. Put it on her. Don’t say someone is paying for only drinks and then suggest pudding and not pay for it. That is not only drinks then.

I agree with @LookItsMeAgain. DH needs to talk to them.

I wouldn’t be dining out with them again and if I do, who pays for what is clear from the get-go and will even pay th r portion decided once the orders are in and be done. If they wouldn’t like that, tough.

phoenixrosehere · 09/04/2022 13:01

*our portion once ordered and be done

Danceandyouwillfeelbetter · 09/04/2022 13:04

@FrownedUpon

You should have said no to the puddings. Why would you pay for them if you really can’t afford it?
Easy to say that now - the op shouldn't have paid for the drinks either - or that should have been made clear at the invitation stage. The situation made the OP feel embarrassed - I get that others don't on this thread but can you not understand it from the OP's pov. There are ways to treat someone to lunch. When we treat our in-laws (who can't afford to eat out either) - we will always settle the bill out of sight with minimum fuss - no way would we spring on them that they were responsible for even the tip.
rookiemere · 09/04/2022 13:04

There are lots of things that OP and her DH could have done differently.
My guess is that they were flabbergasted when ILs behaved as they did and didn't know how else to respond. It's easy in hindsight to be assertive, but having already told ILs they were too broke to go out for lunch, I wouldn't expect to have to keep repeating it not to prop up their excessive alcohol intake ( they both had to have two alcoholic drinks at their DS expense for a Sunday lunch).

They were the ones acting badly, not the OP and her DH. Oh and they convinced the DDs to have dessert which they didn't intend to pay for.

Have you eaten out with them before OP ?

Autumn42 · 09/04/2022 13:08

@numananumana

So we invited pils to ours, they suggested we all go to our local pub for Sunday dinner. We explained we couldn't really afford it and offered to cook Sunday dinner at home. Pils offered to treat us which was lovely so we said yes. When we arrive at the pub fil says "right our treat, you just pay for the drinks" So we ended buying drinks for us, 2 dd's and ils, then when food is finished dd's want pudding mil helps then decide but then doesn't go to order it (you pay as you go at this pub) so I end up going up. All in we spent £40 Aibu to say if someone says my treat they mean the whole bill?
I’m one one for thinking a lot of people on here very entitled when it comes to the parents/PILS, but your PILS were definitely being out of order in this particular case!
Original poster
numananumana · 09/04/2022 15:46

@rookiemere yes I don't think they have treated before. Or maybe when we were young pre kids. Usually we split bill so have never had this before. Ils like things their way tho, there's been a number of times we have arranged to see them and go out and it always very much on their terms. Which is tricky when you have kids, we are often trying to explain kids will struggle with a long walk partly due to distance but also they get bored especially youngest who has Sen.

They are lovely people, my guess is they had decided we were eating out so offered to treat so that could happen but didn't really want to. They just wanted us to agree. Also they are quite well off I think they have forgotten how hard it is when kids are young not to mention cost of living now. They probably thought they were being generous and didn't realise how expensive rounds were. Mil can be a bit funny with me at times I felt like the dessert issue was a bit of a control thing but I could be over thinking it.

OP posts:
Original poster
numananumana · 09/04/2022 15:48

@FrownedUpon

You should have said no to the puddings. Why would you pay for them if you really can’t afford it?
My youngest has asd she had been told by mil she could have a pudding, she had picked one. She would have had a full meltdown if this was then removed. She is very black and white.
OP posts:
Original poster
numananumana · 09/04/2022 15:49

[quote liveforsummer]@Doggirl in our local community pub a large glass of wine is £6.40 times that by 4 and that's over £25 just for 2 adults to have 2 glasses each. A post mix cola or lemonade is £2.80 for a regular glass. [/quote]
Similar here so add our 4 soft drinks at about £8 and two desserts at £4 each that's £40

OP posts: