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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum spanked DD whilst I'm in hospital

516 replies

wantthisbabyout · 08/04/2022 22:43

Currently in hospital after my c-section apologies if this is all over the place as I'm half asleep!

Mum stayed over last night and complained this morning that she hadn't slept all night. We left at 6:45 this morning and she was up. She also said yesterday that she wishes my kids were "normal"

I FaceTimed her today with the kids and DD was upset saying grandma hurt me and my mum said oh it's ok it was only a little spank on the hand as she hasn't been listening.

My DD is the sweetest little girl ever, yes she is very stubborn but you just need to have patience with her.

AIBU to feel like my mum has just lost her temper and probably felt a bit angry and spanked her? I feel so upset about anyone touching my kids.

DH has just popped home now to get some sleepsuits but I dare not tell him because he will be so angry.

OP posts:
HangingRock25 · 09/04/2022 08:31

[quote Fadeout83]@HangingRock25 not sure which bits or Australia you’re hanging out in but I’ve lived in Australia most of my life and not one person I know hits their children and would be horrified to come across someone who does. It’s not illegal in Australia but it’s certainly not the done thing anymore, unless you’re from - certain - parts of it, which you may well be.

And yes. Hitting a child is the same as hitting a grown up. Smacking a child is the same as smacking a grown up. How absurd to even question whether it’s the same.[/quote]
I'd be interested to know where you live (perhaps inner city latte area?) because it most certainly is still acceptable in actual mainstream Australia, and no, smacking a child is certainly not the same as hitting a grown woman, it's absurd and desperate, and disingenuous to even compare the two. And you know it.

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 08:32

@Smileyaxolotl1

Those comparing it to what you can/would do to an adult to show how unacceptable it is. This only works if you never punish your child in any way. Would you send your partner to their room? Would you tell your partner they can’t have any dessert? Would you confiscate something which belongs to your partner? Of course not, all would be emotionally abusive. But you are not responsible for your partners behaviour. If it was a tap or similar you just need to ask your mum not to do it again - no drama needed.
No it’s not - adults have bad days where they’re snappy or don’t listen or don’t communicate well. Nobody is ever punished, in any way, for those things.

Yet we expect children to be perfectly behaved all the time. Why?

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 08:33

@HangingRock25 you’re using hitting and smacking interchangeably there and you told me off for that. If hitting and smacking are different, can you smack your wife in Australia?

HangingRock25 · 09/04/2022 08:34

[quote Pumperthepumper]@HangingRock25 you’re using hitting and smacking interchangeably there and you told me off for that. If hitting and smacking are different, can you smack your wife in Australia?[/quote]
you’re using hitting and smacking interchangeably

Yes because they are two entirely different things.

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 08:34

There is a big difference between hit and smack. They are two entirely different things. Educated people know this.

@HangingRock25 your exact words.

Fadeout83 · 09/04/2022 08:35

@HangingRock25 nope. No fancy lattes where I come from. I’m very embarrassed for you and the spectacle you’re making of yourself. My parents “smacked” me a lot when I was young and live with a lot of shame over it now. It affected our relationship greatly - slowly over time - and affected me as a person. I hope you don’t have the same experience with your current/future children.

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 08:35

Cool, do you can’t hit your wife in Australia.

Can you smack your wife in Australia?

HangingRock25 · 09/04/2022 08:35

@Pumperthepumper

There is a big difference between hit and smack. They are two entirely different things. Educated people know this.

@HangingRock25 your exact words.

Exactly. As I said. So you are repeating me, why?
Juniper68 · 09/04/2022 08:35

@BellaVita

MIL did this to DS1 about 20 years ago now.

I had taken the boys to visit as their cousins were visiting from abroad. The children were sat around a make shift table in the sitting room having lunch and really just having a giggle with each other, we were in the dining room with the doors open to the sitting room and I saw her do it out of the corner of my eye. I said to SIL did I really just see her smack the children and she said yes you did - that's been happening all of the time I have been staying but I cannot say anything as I need somewhere to stay when we come and visit.

We left soon after and when DH came home from work I told him what had happened as I wasn't sure if I was over reacting, but he agreed and said it wasn't acceptable and he would speak to his mum about it and the following day he called on his way home from work.

When he broached the subject with his mum, she told him to leave and "never bring those boys back again".

All of his sisters (childless) bar the one who was visiting from abroad with her two children who were more or less the same age as ours - so around 3 and 5 years old sided with MIL and said we had accused MIL of being a child abuser.

We were never spoken to again. MIL passed away about 3 years ago. Since then it has come to light that DH isn't actually the oldest child and he actually has a half brother who she gave away at around a year old to her married lover.

You were well rid. Did dh miss her? Is he in touch with the db?
HangingRock25 · 09/04/2022 08:36

[quote Fadeout83]@HangingRock25 nope. No fancy lattes where I come from. I’m very embarrassed for you and the spectacle you’re making of yourself. My parents “smacked” me a lot when I was young and live with a lot of shame over it now. It affected our relationship greatly - slowly over time - and affected me as a person. I hope you don’t have the same experience with your current/future children.[/quote]
@Fadeout83 Thankfully you don't represent the majority of Australians. I am embarrassed on your behalf for you.

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 08:37

@Pumperthepumper

Cool, do you can’t hit your wife in Australia.

Can you smack your wife in Australia?

I’ll just repeat this so you definitely see it. Can you smack your wife in Australia, what with that being different to hitting and all?
Pasithea · 09/04/2022 08:37

No smacking, crap punishments. It’s all leading to the society of spoilt entitled brats. No discipline at home or school. Dh grandchildren coming for Easter. Dreading it. What is a tap on the hand. It’s not spanking. Well far from it

HangingRock25 · 09/04/2022 08:38

@Pumperthepumper There is a big difference between lawfully disciplining a child, and an adult. Seriously you are embarrassing yourself now.

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 08:39

[quote HangingRock25]@Pumperthepumper There is a big difference between lawfully disciplining a child, and an adult. Seriously you are embarrassing yourself now.[/quote]
Why is this so difficult for you to answer? You said you were educated and knew the difference - can you smack your wife in Australia or not?

babywalker56 · 09/04/2022 08:39

@LoveSpringDaffs

Oh for the love of god, she smacked her hand, what a lot of OTT drama winding the OP up.

@wantthisbabyout. Ignore all the absolute bollocjs about not letting your mum nest the kids sgain. She smacked her hand. It's really not the end if the works, just ask her not to do it again if you're that bothered by it.

Honestly!!

I’m reading the comments thinking ‘wow all this for a smack on the hand.’ It’s really so simple just to ask your mum not to do that again. I opened the thread thinking you were going to say your mum got the belt or gave your daughter a right lashing with her hand.

A smack/tap on the hand really doesn’t deserve all these drastic comments imo….

diddl · 09/04/2022 08:40

It sounds as if she shouldn't even have been asked to look after the kids tbh.

So it sounds as if she needs to go home now & your husband take over.

Doubtless your daughter will tell him at some point what happened.

Fadeout83 · 09/04/2022 08:40

[quote HangingRock25]@Pumperthepumper There is a big difference between lawfully disciplining a child, and an adult. Seriously you are embarrassing yourself now.[/quote]
It may not be illegal to hit a child but your children WILL grow up resenting you. Isn’t that almost worse?

HangingRock25 · 09/04/2022 08:41

@Pasithea

No smacking, crap punishments. It’s all leading to the society of spoilt entitled brats. No discipline at home or school. Dh grandchildren coming for Easter. Dreading it. What is a tap on the hand. It’s not spanking. Well far from it
Exactly. One look at the UK and how children cannot be disciplined anymore, I've seen the stories. It's a disaster of UK's own making. They now regret that experiment, I have no doubt about that. On many issues people on this site are very sensible. Yet they've been completely snowed when it comes to discipline. The UK is an example of what not to do.
babywalker56 · 09/04/2022 08:41

@ColdSeptember

What a lot of ridiculous overreaction. She gave her a little smack on the hand, she didn't beat her with a baseball bat. It's not child abuse, your daughter isn't traumatised. Everyone needs to calm down.
Literally this!
HangingRock25 · 09/04/2022 08:42

@Fadeout83 Almost no one grows up to 'resent' it. Only a small minority. The majority of us are well-adjusted and are glad we were raised properly, and now raise our children the same way.

Benjispruce4 · 09/04/2022 08:47

@Fadeout83 no I don’t resent my parents. They were loving and caring and kind. Being smacked wasn’t a regular occurrence, cuddles were. There is a huge difference between that and child abuse.

Nothappyatwork · 09/04/2022 08:47

@Fadeout83 I do actually know a couple who lived in Nedlands in Perth who used to take a wooden spoon today young boys we actually had to leave their house on one occasion because my child was so upset after witnessing it and they literally smiled after they done it at me in a very passive aggressive way like I was in the wrong. They are both corporate lawyers who I believe now live in Claremont in an extremely expensive area and their kids have been to MLC and I think scotch is the equivalent. Having been brought up being physically assaulted. It’s not as uncommon as you might think or hope. Still wrong though

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 08:48

Hey @HangingRock25 you still haven’t answered my question!

Im guessing, no, you cannot smack your wife in Australia. I wonder why?

Pyewhacket · 09/04/2022 08:50

My mother would have no further unsupervised contact with my child and if she stropped about it she’d never see either of us again.

............ This is ridiculous. She smacked her on the back of her hand, she didn't hold her over a chair and cane her bare arse !.

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 08:50

[quote Benjispruce4]@Fadeout83 no I don’t resent my parents. They were loving and caring and kind. Being smacked wasn’t a regular occurrence, cuddles were. There is a huge difference between that and child abuse.[/quote]
Do you remember being smacked?