Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Mum spanked DD whilst I'm in hospital

516 replies

wantthisbabyout · 08/04/2022 22:43

Currently in hospital after my c-section apologies if this is all over the place as I'm half asleep!

Mum stayed over last night and complained this morning that she hadn't slept all night. We left at 6:45 this morning and she was up. She also said yesterday that she wishes my kids were "normal"

I FaceTimed her today with the kids and DD was upset saying grandma hurt me and my mum said oh it's ok it was only a little spank on the hand as she hasn't been listening.

My DD is the sweetest little girl ever, yes she is very stubborn but you just need to have patience with her.

AIBU to feel like my mum has just lost her temper and probably felt a bit angry and spanked her? I feel so upset about anyone touching my kids.

DH has just popped home now to get some sleepsuits but I dare not tell him because he will be so angry.

OP posts:
Nothappyatwork · 09/04/2022 08:50

@HangingRock25 everywhere in Australia is a bloody latte area we lived in Port Samson at one point and enjoyed some very nice Lattes. We also met some beautiful people who wouldn’t lay a finger on their kids up there.

chaosrabbitland · 09/04/2022 08:51

@Pumperthepumper

Sorry, I forgot people prefer cute language around hitting kids.

No, it’s not illegal in the UK. Only in Scotland and Wales. It’s considered assault in law though- ‘justifiable assault’.

as someone that was punched in the face ,side of the head and in the back on three seperate occasians by my violent ex husband because id dared to argue back with him i almost feel sorry for you that you are saying a grandmother lightly smaking a child on the hand who probably was being a complete pain is the same thing

i suppose its the same as peter connallys mother who was regularly beating her child to the point of death
stop trying to mash it all together as assault to push your narrative

HangingRock25 · 09/04/2022 08:52

@Pumperthepumper

Hey *@HangingRock25* you still haven’t answered my question!

Im guessing, no, you cannot smack your wife in Australia. I wonder why?

Er, because there is a difference between an ADULT, and a child.

As I have said. A few times now! Question answered at least 3 times. You either don't bother to read, or are trying to twist my words. Either way, I'm not playing. An adult, and a child, are completely different. Anyone with basic IQ knows this.

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 08:53

@chaosrabbitland absolutely, my agenda is ‘you should never, under any circumstance, hit a child’. I will never agree that a child, no matter how much of a pain they were being, deserves to be hit.

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 08:54

@HangingRock25 that’s so weird, what with them being different at all.

Can you smack your cat in Australia? Like, if it jumped up and ate your dinner?

Fadeout83 · 09/04/2022 08:56

[quote Nothappyatwork]@Fadeout83 I do actually know a couple who lived in Nedlands in Perth who used to take a wooden spoon today young boys we actually had to leave their house on one occasion because my child was so upset after witnessing it and they literally smiled after they done it at me in a very passive aggressive way like I was in the wrong. They are both corporate lawyers who I believe now live in Claremont in an extremely expensive area and their kids have been to MLC and I think scotch is the equivalent. Having been brought up being physically assaulted. It’s not as uncommon as you might think or hope. Still wrong though[/quote]
Was this meant for me? Because I agree 100%. @HangingRock25 is the one pro corporal punishment

chaosrabbitland · 09/04/2022 08:57

[quote Benjispruce4]@Fadeout83 no I don’t resent my parents. They were loving and caring and kind. Being smacked wasn’t a regular occurrence, cuddles were. There is a huge difference between that and child abuse.[/quote]
same , my mother smaked me only on 2 occasians , because i was shouting at her and refused to do what i was told , she was very loving and caring . always on my side and still is , and thats what i remember as well

SpiderinaWingMirror · 09/04/2022 08:57

I think that those of us who lived through the 1970s as children know the difference between being smacked as children and child abuse tbf.
I think most parents smacked their parents. Children were also abused by their parents, same as now, totally different.

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 08:58

Well, that’s not really fair - they’re only pro corporal punishment to smaller, more vulnerable humans. They’re aghast at hitting a grown adult with autonomy, it’s only kids they want to hit.

AngieBolen · 09/04/2022 08:59

Of course you're upset that someone hurt your child especially when you're vulnerable and can't care for her yourself.

Now you know not to ask your DM for childcare in the future, let your DD and DM build a nice relationship without the stress of them having power battles.

I'd leave it until you're back home to explain to your DH why your DM won't be your childcare ever again.

There doesn't need to be any drama over this, just move on from here.

My wonderful DM has done some crazy shit with her grandchildren. They all adore her, but we learned not to ask too much in terms of childcare, which was sometimes awkward as she was very keen.

Nothappyatwork · 09/04/2022 09:00

The facts are smoking when you were pregnant was allowed condoned whatever you wanna call it during the 70s I actually remember my mum being in hospital because she had twins and presumably some sort of high blood pressure or something and there was actually a smoking room at the end of the corridor on the ward where myself and my six-year-old sister used to sit in there watching television whilst 405 pregnant women sat there and Chainsmokers because they were bored in hospital all day. We must’ve literally gone to school the next day stinking because there’s no way we would’ve been showered and clothes changed.

It was just one of those things that we have to talk up to experience and do better now that we know the implications. Nobody denies that cigarettes and smoking does physiological harm to children so I’m an absolute loss to understand how we could possibly think that using physical violence against them isn’t harming them.

Anyway this thread appears to of got completely out of hand

Calmdown14 · 09/04/2022 09:00

It's not ideal but banning her from ever seeing the kids is ludicrous.
I would say I've never hit my kids but I've certainly tapped their hands once or twice when they were repeatedly doing something like grabbing when they had been told not to.
Try to remember that your daughter's emotional state isn't necessarily because of this. Ordinarily she'd have forgotten 10 minutes later but you are not there and she's just gained a sibling. It will also be a very stressful time for your mum as her 'baby' is having a serious operation. My mum hated child birth for us as she was terrified. You have no idea what memories it has for your mum.

No this doesn't excuse it but it's a stressful time for everyone so I'm in the talk and explain camp

Bizawit · 09/04/2022 09:01

@hackettblue

I really despair about the raising of children in this day and age, these are the children of the future and if they can’t deal with any sort of chastisement I pity the future. Your DD had her hand smacked by grandma for gods sake get over yourself. I speak as a mother who has 2 beautiful daughters nearing their 40s the elder of which was a nightmare child / of course must be all my fault that I didn’t have experience, but she was occasionally smacked - shock horror - usually when she became hysterical about something or other which was rapidly followed by a quick calm down and cuddles. Ironically she has worked in the childcare sector for the last 22 years with fantastic results and laughs to this day about what a little shit she was and how she can ‘spot’ likewise children within an hour of meeting them. She has grown to a beautiful caring woman and in no way was ‘traumatised’ by the occasional smack - get over yourselves for gods sake.
You’re response to your child becoming hysterical was to assault them? I understand it was a different time and I’m sure you were overall a wonderful mum, but that’s certainly not a caring or effective way of teaching a child how to calm down/ regulate their emotions in a healthy way. Times have changed and for good reason.

OP I’d be so upset with my mum if this were me. You need to have a talk with her and I would be questioning whether she is ok to be looking after the kids in the future.

Fadeout83 · 09/04/2022 09:01

@chaosrabbitland there is a difference between one or two smacks in your childhood and it being used as a consistent discipline method which my parents did. And what I believe some are talking about in this thread. I love my parents dearly but it saddens me to see the guilt they feel for their way of discipline now. I also grew up fearing them and in turn not really trusting them with a lot of myself, which resulted in a fair bit of distance between us. Your mileage may vary of course but there are many many kids out there who were raised on corporal punishment and feel the way I feel. Flippantly saying it’s a minority issue is BS and avoidance of the issue.

Dentistlakes · 09/04/2022 09:01

Smacking used to be acceptable when I was a child. I was smacked twice as a child, I remember both times vividly. However, my mother knows times have changed and has never smacked her grandchildren.

You can choose to take this incident seriously without cutting your mother off from your family. I would discuss it with her and tell her it’s bit something your ever expect to happen again and if it does you will have to take more drastic action and limit her access to your children. Ask her to speak to your daughter and apologise, explaining it was wrong of her and she won’t do it ever again.

PatientlyWaiting21 · 09/04/2022 09:02

I would be upset about this, under no circumstances is it ever okay to hurt another person. Speak to her about it, tell her how you feel and that you don’t expect her to lift her hand again. If she does then don’t leave her with her.

PupInAPram · 09/04/2022 09:04

@AngieBolen

Of course you're upset that someone hurt your child especially when you're vulnerable and can't care for her yourself.

Now you know not to ask your DM for childcare in the future, let your DD and DM build a nice relationship without the stress of them having power battles.

I'd leave it until you're back home to explain to your DH why your DM won't be your childcare ever again.

There doesn't need to be any drama over this, just move on from here.

My wonderful DM has done some crazy shit with her grandchildren. They all adore her, but we learned not to ask too much in terms of childcare, which was sometimes awkward as she was very keen.

Perfect response @AngieBolen.
toomanydogsandcats · 09/04/2022 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 09/04/2022 09:05

It sounds like your mum finds your DC a handful. Just explain to her that you don't agree with this method of discipline and it is not to happen again. Talk to her about time out or whatever methods you use that you feel work for your stubborn dc. I feel terrible when my dc act up when my mum is looking after them as she is doing me a favour.

No need to go NC/no unsupervised contact if your mum is willing to take this on board.

Congratulations, wishing you a speedy recovery.

Nennypops · 09/04/2022 09:05

My parents used to smack me. I resented it deeply because it was pretty obvious that they were just taking their temper out on me, and although I mostly get on OK with them I haven't lost that feeling some decades later.

Suzi888 · 09/04/2022 09:07

Well you know your mother best, is she violent and abusive?
Or are you overreacting and it’s just a tap on the hand? Hmm

It’s sounds very dramatic to me….

chaosrabbitland · 09/04/2022 09:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Fadeout83 · 09/04/2022 09:08

@Nennypops

My parents used to smack me. I resented it deeply because it was pretty obvious that they were just taking their temper out on me, and although I mostly get on OK with them I haven't lost that feeling some decades later.
I’m sorry you had that experience as well. It’s a tricky dynamic to navigate as an adult isn’t it? All I know is that I just can’t imagine hitting my kids. It feels so unnatural and wrong, no matter how shitty they’re being. I remember the feeling of fearing and resenting my parent and it makes me shudder to imagine my kid feeling like that.
stimpyyouidiot · 09/04/2022 09:09

Adding an extra thought here, your dd may already be anxious about you being away, having a new sibling and her Nan has hit her for 'misbehaving' and not being 'normal'. Just sounds awful for her.

ArtVandalay · 09/04/2022 09:10

You need to explain your mum that this is not on.

I wouldn’t let her look after my kids from now on, tbh.