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AIBU?

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Original poster

Mum spanked DD whilst I'm in hospital

516 replies

wantthisbabyout · 08/04/2022 22:43

Currently in hospital after my c-section apologies if this is all over the place as I'm half asleep!

Mum stayed over last night and complained this morning that she hadn't slept all night. We left at 6:45 this morning and she was up. She also said yesterday that she wishes my kids were "normal"

I FaceTimed her today with the kids and DD was upset saying grandma hurt me and my mum said oh it's ok it was only a little spank on the hand as she hasn't been listening.

My DD is the sweetest little girl ever, yes she is very stubborn but you just need to have patience with her.

AIBU to feel like my mum has just lost her temper and probably felt a bit angry and spanked her? I feel so upset about anyone touching my kids.

DH has just popped home now to get some sleepsuits but I dare not tell him because he will be so angry.

OP posts:
chaosrabbitland · 09/04/2022 08:10

sorry , even the post is misleading , she didnt spank her at all , your making it sound like shes put her accross her knee and leathered her , i actually did get a spanking if i misbehaved badly and wouldnt listen and i dont feel like my mum abused me
you have said shes fantastic, , its obvious that whilst your finding your child the sweetest little girl ever , your mum isnt , stop leaving her to look after them if shes struggling with their behaviour which she is or she wouldnt have said she wishes they were normal , how much are you minimising it when you say your child is just a bit stubborn i wonder

Ineedaduvetday · 09/04/2022 08:11

@CJsGoldfish

FFS, it was a slap on the hand. Hardly worthy of the OTT reactions on here. Which I'm convinced are just to upset the OP even more. For the record, I didn't hit my children and would not have allowed anyone else to. I can't say with 100% certainty that my parents never smacked a hand, it was a looong time ago but, as with everything that was different to when they did it, I would have explained that we don't do that and why. Without drama. As far as grandma not having the 'mojo' she once had or the patience. She's older and every second kid is 'challenging' or 'strong willed' etc. which is usually just code for badly behaved. 🤷‍♀️
Agree with this
ColdSeptember · 09/04/2022 08:11

What a lot of ridiculous overreaction. She gave her a little smack on the hand, she didn't beat her with a baseball bat. It's not child abuse, your daughter isn't traumatised. Everyone needs to calm down.

HangingRock25 · 09/04/2022 08:12

@Pumperthepumper

Ah, thanks. Is it quite common for kids to be hit there?
@Pumperthepumper Smacked? Yes. It's normal, thankfully. I've seen enough of how banning it in the UK has gone, just through this site. It's a failed experiment. Wouldn't surprise me if the UK reverts and goes back to smacking as the social experiment not to smack has failed over there.
BellaVita · 09/04/2022 08:14

MIL did this to DS1 about 20 years ago now.

I had taken the boys to visit as their cousins were visiting from abroad. The children were sat around a make shift table in the sitting room having lunch and really just having a giggle with each other, we were in the dining room with the doors open to the sitting room and I saw her do it out of the corner of my eye. I said to SIL did I really just see her smack the children and she said yes you did - that's been happening all of the time I have been staying but I cannot say anything as I need somewhere to stay when we come and visit.

We left soon after and when DH came home from work I told him what had happened as I wasn't sure if I was over reacting, but he agreed and said it wasn't acceptable and he would speak to his mum about it and the following day he called on his way home from work.

When he broached the subject with his mum, she told him to leave and "never bring those boys back again".

All of his sisters (childless) bar the one who was visiting from abroad with her two children who were more or less the same age as ours - so around 3 and 5 years old sided with MIL and said we had accused MIL of being a child abuser.

We were never spoken to again. MIL passed away about 3 years ago. Since then it has come to light that DH isn't actually the oldest child and he actually has a half brother who she gave away at around a year old to her married lover.

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 08:15

Sorry, I forgot people prefer cute language around hitting kids.

No, it’s not illegal in the UK. Only in Scotland and Wales. It’s considered assault in law though- ‘justifiable assault’.

Strangeways19 · 09/04/2022 08:16

Don't drop the ball op get on top of this - tell your DH, this needs nipping in the bud asap

starsss · 09/04/2022 08:17

I wouldnt be happy about it but I cannot imagine a scenario where my mum would ever do it - she is as against physical punishment as I am (yes a smack on the hand is still physical whether you think it isnt a big deal or not)
however, I dont think it is child abuse or reason enough to stop her ever seeing your children. I wouldn't leave her to babysit anymore though, not just because of this but from everything you've said she clearly didnt cope well with it.

chaosrabbitland · 09/04/2022 08:17

@PinkCheetah

I can't believe some of the responses in this thread. The child had their hand smacked by grandma. But some of you all reacting like the child was kicked, punched, left bloodied, bruised and left for dead!! Get a grip. Just tell grandma that's not the way you wish to discipline your children and not to do it again. But going NC over this is OTT.
i cant either , mind this is mumsnet , the forum where a thread about a mother that told off her 11 year old , only to be pinned to the ground by the child ,punched in the head 3 times and some of the house ransacked was victim blamed , lots of posters jumped all over her questioning how she must have brought of the assault herself and the child must be felt bloody sorry for sometimes when i read this pathetic bleeding heart responses i feel like in in some sort of weird parralell universe or summit
Passthecake30 · 09/04/2022 08:20

My mum hit us all as kids, and has been known to sneakily pinch, or slap a grandchild’s hand. Not mine, I would go mental and she knows it. She also wouldn’t let us leave the table before clearing our dinner and she attempted to try that just the once with my kids. I would let her know what you would do for naughty behaviour so it can be consistent (time out etc).

HangingRock25 · 09/04/2022 08:20

@Pumperthepumper

Sorry, I forgot people prefer cute language around hitting kids.

No, it’s not illegal in the UK. Only in Scotland and Wales. It’s considered assault in law though- ‘justifiable assault’.

@Pumperthepumper Sorry, I forgot people with an agenda like to deliberately make a normal action sound worse to manipulate. There is a big difference between hit and smack. They are two entirely different things. Educated people know this. Those with an agenda don't care and will continue to use emotionally deceptive language.
Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 08:22

@HangingRock25 are you allowed to hit (or smack, if you want) your wife in Australia? Or your colleagues? Is that common there?

HangingRock25 · 09/04/2022 08:23

@Passthecake30

My mum hit us all as kids, and has been known to sneakily pinch, or slap a grandchild’s hand. Not mine, I would go mental and she knows it. She also wouldn’t let us leave the table before clearing our dinner and she attempted to try that just the once with my kids. I would let her know what you would do for naughty behaviour so it can be consistent (time out etc).
It sounds like your mum tried to raise you properly. If there were more mums like yours the UK wouldn't be in the mess it's in the kids badly behaved.
Patchbatch · 09/04/2022 08:24

it's ok it was only a little spank on the hand as she hasn't been listening.

Whilst I don't agree with hitting, this varies wildly from I slapped her because she wouldn't listen to something of no consequence just because, and I gently swatted her hand as she was about to do something imminently dangerous and wasn't listening to me saying no. I'd say you also acknowledge she isn't the best around children now she's older the logical thing is that she isn't left alone with them again but to see and be around them as you have no previous concerns I wouldn't be bothered about. I'd remember it's likely DD was emotional as well as its hard seeing your mum in hospital and being away from them, it was probably overwhelming.

HangingRock25 · 09/04/2022 08:24

[quote Pumperthepumper]@HangingRock25 are you allowed to hit (or smack, if you want) your wife in Australia? Or your colleagues? Is that common there?[/quote]
Seriously if you are going to compare disciplining a child with a smack on the bum, to hitting your wife, it shows how far the delusion is.

Strangeways19 · 09/04/2022 08:24

I think the point is that OP doesn't agree with what mil did? Whether it's child abuse or not it's about whether the parent agrees with this method of discipline, I might be reading it wrong but I thought OP doesn't agree. Its not ok if the parents don't think it is. Mil is privileged to be trusted with looking after her grandchild - she wouldn't really want her grandchild's experience of her to be about this. The mil should be made aware that it's not ok to do this

minniep · 09/04/2022 08:24

She gave her a small tap on the hand. Not a good thing by any means and I would be fuming but it sounds like the poor woman is stressed and not coping well with babysitting so that's your cue to DH to stay home and take over . Your little girl was probably playing up because both mum and dad were away and feeling unsettled and being extra difficult and your mum probably just couldn't cope. Your mum is probably not the best person to use in these type of situations and you know this now.

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 08:26

@HangingRock25 no, if there’s a difference in Australia between smacking and hitting, are you allowed to smack your wife for not behaving? Or is it just children?

olympicsrock · 09/04/2022 08:28

This is not how you parent but not a huge deal. Have a chat with your mum, ask her not to do it again.
Bear in mind that Granny gets exasperated and cannot cope with long periods ( more than a few hours) of childcare with children of this age again.

HangingRock25 · 09/04/2022 08:28

[quote Pumperthepumper]@HangingRock25 no, if there’s a difference in Australia between smacking and hitting, are you allowed to smack your wife for not behaving? Or is it just children?[/quote]
Really, you should be embarrassed at your level of desperation, it's actually insulting to yourself. A child and an adult are two different things.

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 08:28

So just kids?

Fadeout83 · 09/04/2022 08:29

@HangingRock25 not sure which bits or Australia you’re hanging out in but I’ve lived in Australia most of my life and not one person I know hits their children and would be horrified to come across someone who does. It’s not illegal in Australia but it’s certainly not the done thing anymore, unless you’re from - certain - parts of it, which you may well be.

And yes. Hitting a child is the same as hitting a grown up. Smacking a child is the same as smacking a grown up. How absurd to even question whether it’s the same.

Fadeout83 · 09/04/2022 08:30

@Pumperthepumper

So just kids?
I feel like @HangingRock25 is trolling or a complete sociopath
Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 08:30

@HangingRock25 what about pets, can you smack your dog in Australia?

Smileyaxolotl1 · 09/04/2022 08:31

Those comparing it to what you can/would do to an adult to show how unacceptable it is.
This only works if you never punish your child in any way.
Would you send your partner to their room? Would you tell your partner they can’t have any dessert? Would you confiscate something which belongs to your partner?
Of course not, all would be emotionally abusive. But you are not responsible for your partners behaviour.
If it was a tap or similar you just need to ask your mum not to do it again - no drama needed.