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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Mum spanked DD whilst I'm in hospital

516 replies

wantthisbabyout · 08/04/2022 22:43

Currently in hospital after my c-section apologies if this is all over the place as I'm half asleep!

Mum stayed over last night and complained this morning that she hadn't slept all night. We left at 6:45 this morning and she was up. She also said yesterday that she wishes my kids were "normal"

I FaceTimed her today with the kids and DD was upset saying grandma hurt me and my mum said oh it's ok it was only a little spank on the hand as she hasn't been listening.

My DD is the sweetest little girl ever, yes she is very stubborn but you just need to have patience with her.

AIBU to feel like my mum has just lost her temper and probably felt a bit angry and spanked her? I feel so upset about anyone touching my kids.

DH has just popped home now to get some sleepsuits but I dare not tell him because he will be so angry.

OP posts:
brainhurts · 09/04/2022 14:52

I work with children, one ( older knew better ) was trying to put a paper clip into a plug socket. I did say " no don't do that " was totally blanked so I swatted there hand away . The child said they would report me , go ahead , I will ask your parents would they rather you be electrocuted Shock

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 14:53

@brainhurts

I work with children, one ( older knew better ) was trying to put a paper clip into a plug socket. I did say " no don't do that " was totally blanked so I swatted there hand away . The child said they would report me , go ahead , I will ask your parents would they rather you be electrocuted Shock
Why didn’t you just take the paper clip from them?
Jannt86 · 09/04/2022 15:00

@brainhurts

I work with children, one ( older knew better ) was trying to put a paper clip into a plug socket. I did say " no don't do that " was totally blanked so I swatted there hand away . The child said they would report me , go ahead , I will ask your parents would they rather you be electrocuted Shock
Am I understanding this right? You work with kids and rather than put safety plugs in your outlets you slapped one of your client's hands? Please say I'm wrong Shock
brainhurts · 09/04/2022 15:03

These are older children, trusted to plug laptops/ tablets into charge . Old enough to remove safety plugs .
If saying no don't do that didn't work , why would please give me the paper clip .

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 15:06

@brainhurts

These are older children, trusted to plug laptops/ tablets into charge . Old enough to remove safety plugs . If saying no don't do that didn't work , why would please give me the paper clip .
Surely better than hitting them, no? Not even worth a try?
brainhurts · 09/04/2022 15:12

@Pumperthepumper
Ok , next time I see a child trying to electrocute themselves rather than my obvious Hugh overreacting to stop them I will Stand and watch them while asking for them too hand it over .
If you see someone in danger you do what's needs at the time .

Justcallmebebes · 09/04/2022 15:12

She smacked her hand? She's a loving mother/grandmother? Get a grip people

jacks11 · 09/04/2022 15:12

Good lord, some of the posts on here are ridiculous. And I really doubt if some of the more “hardline” posters would actually do what they are encouraging op to do. I think it is either that they enjoy the drama or are being ‘keyboard warriors”.

I don’t condone smacking children. I don’t think a sharp tap on the hand to make a point to a particularly recalcitrant child is abusive, damaging etc, and I wouldn’t mind if my mother had done it to my DC if they were being very naughty or to stop them doing something dangerous- but I do recognise that many parents wouldn’t do like it. A tap- when it is a genuine sharp tap, and not done with much force, is different to being beaten/hit/punched- but as I say I recognise others feel differently and would never lay a finger on anyone else’s child.

All of that said, I do think the sensible and reasonable thing to do- given that OP’s mum has no history of being abusive, though clearly is struggling to manage young children given OP’s brothers have also noticed that she seems to lack patience with their children- would be to sit her mum down and have an honest and frank discussion about what happened, explain that op and her husband will not tolerate any physical chastisement at all and ask her to respect that. Unless her mother has a history of deviousness or ignoring OP’s requests, that should be sufficient. Along with perhaps being more aware of her mother’s limitations and only request childcare accordingly. There is absolutely no need to jump to “never allowing her to see the children”, going low or no contact or refusing to ever leave her in a room with children without supervision. That is how you destroy relationships, possibly within the wider family too, and I strongly suspect that OP’s mother would bring much that is positive into the lives of her grandchildren, losing that over a situation that can easily be addresses is absolutely ridiculous.

My own grandparents definitely chastised us at times- though I don’t think ever smacked me, definitely did get a sharp tap to the hand on occasion (once to stop me putting my hand into something dangerous) and were stricter than my parents. We worked out that there were different rules at granny and grandpa’s than at home. It wasn’t confusing or distressing. They were lovely, warm and caring people who adored us. We had a wonderful relationship and my grandmother remains is one of my favourite people- I still miss her. Had my parents cut them out of our lives/reduced their presence in our lives for one (relatively minor) transgression, without even speaking to them about it, I would not have had the love and support I got from my grandparents and my childhood (and adulthood, for that matter) would have been the poorer for it.

OP- just speak to your mum. She’s your mum, for goodness sake- it’s ok not to agree with what she’s done and even to be upset by it- but communicate that to her, ask her not to do it and move on. Obviously, if she ignores your wishes again, then you need to address this issue more significantly, but give her the opportunity to explain what happened, understand your point of view, and the opportunity to make it right.

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 15:17

[quote brainhurts]@Pumperthepumper
Ok , next time I see a child trying to electrocute themselves rather than my obvious Hugh overreacting to stop them I will Stand and watch them while asking for them too hand it over .
If you see someone in danger you do what's needs at the time . [/quote]
Good idea. Then you won’t be assaulting a child.

woodhill · 09/04/2022 15:19

@jacks11

Good lord, some of the posts on here are ridiculous. And I really doubt if some of the more “hardline” posters would actually do what they are encouraging op to do. I think it is either that they enjoy the drama or are being ‘keyboard warriors”.

I don’t condone smacking children. I don’t think a sharp tap on the hand to make a point to a particularly recalcitrant child is abusive, damaging etc, and I wouldn’t mind if my mother had done it to my DC if they were being very naughty or to stop them doing something dangerous- but I do recognise that many parents wouldn’t do like it. A tap- when it is a genuine sharp tap, and not done with much force, is different to being beaten/hit/punched- but as I say I recognise others feel differently and would never lay a finger on anyone else’s child.

All of that said, I do think the sensible and reasonable thing to do- given that OP’s mum has no history of being abusive, though clearly is struggling to manage young children given OP’s brothers have also noticed that she seems to lack patience with their children- would be to sit her mum down and have an honest and frank discussion about what happened, explain that op and her husband will not tolerate any physical chastisement at all and ask her to respect that. Unless her mother has a history of deviousness or ignoring OP’s requests, that should be sufficient. Along with perhaps being more aware of her mother’s limitations and only request childcare accordingly. There is absolutely no need to jump to “never allowing her to see the children”, going low or no contact or refusing to ever leave her in a room with children without supervision. That is how you destroy relationships, possibly within the wider family too, and I strongly suspect that OP’s mother would bring much that is positive into the lives of her grandchildren, losing that over a situation that can easily be addresses is absolutely ridiculous.

My own grandparents definitely chastised us at times- though I don’t think ever smacked me, definitely did get a sharp tap to the hand on occasion (once to stop me putting my hand into something dangerous) and were stricter than my parents. We worked out that there were different rules at granny and grandpa’s than at home. It wasn’t confusing or distressing. They were lovely, warm and caring people who adored us. We had a wonderful relationship and my grandmother remains is one of my favourite people- I still miss her. Had my parents cut them out of our lives/reduced their presence in our lives for one (relatively minor) transgression, without even speaking to them about it, I would not have had the love and support I got from my grandparents and my childhood (and adulthood, for that matter) would have been the poorer for it.

OP- just speak to your mum. She’s your mum, for goodness sake- it’s ok not to agree with what she’s done and even to be upset by it- but communicate that to her, ask her not to do it and move on. Obviously, if she ignores your wishes again, then you need to address this issue more significantly, but give her the opportunity to explain what happened, understand your point of view, and the opportunity to make it right.

Excellent post Jacks
Giraffesandbottoms · 09/04/2022 15:48

Surely the fact that the daughter is upset by being slapped on the hand is the issue? It can’t have been a playful or gentle slap within the context, I don’t think .

For everyone comparing smacking adults and children; you’re wrong. Smacking a child,1/3 your size, who is vulnerable and has no means of defending themselves or getting help, who trusts you as their parent or caregiver in a most naive way to treat them properly…it is immeasurably worse than slapping an adult. How you treat your child is how you child will develop their sense of self, see themselves for years to come. If you slap them and call them names etc it will fuck them up.

It’s impossible to know exactly what happened as none of us were there but the fact of the matter is it shocked and upset the daughter.

BellaVita · 09/04/2022 17:01

Yes we are in contact with nice SIL Smile @Juniper68

dummyd · 09/04/2022 17:11

I don’t condone smacking children. I don’t think a sharp tap on the hand to make a point to a particularly recalcitrant child is abusive, damaging etc, and I wouldn’t mind if my mother had done it to my DC if they were being very naughty or to stop them doing something dangerous- but I do recognise that many parents wouldn’t do like it.

Exactly right. I don't think anywhere here has justified physical punishment, just stated the reaction to it is too far. It's not abuse anymore than shouting at your child for not tidying up is abuse.

Physical punishment often can be abusive, likewise shouting. People need to use their critical thinking. Your not doing any favours to those of us who were abused, or others who still are being abused by blowing this out of proportion. The mums comments about 'normal' were off though, sounds like she's overwhelmed and maybe impatient.

dummyd · 09/04/2022 17:12

Good idea. Then you won’t be assaulting a child.

Didn't I you say it's ok to hit a child if they are about to touch a candle? Or did I misread that?

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 17:16

@dummyd

Good idea. Then you won’t be assaulting a child.

Didn't I you say it's ok to hit a child if they are about to touch a candle? Or did I misread that?

Yes, you misread that. I’ve already explained it to you.
Giraffesandbottoms · 09/04/2022 17:17

I don’t understand why where she has been hit matters. Does it matter? Is a hand really better than a bottom?! Is an arm/leg less bad?!

Juniper68 · 09/04/2022 17:36

@BellaVita

Yes we are in contact with nice SIL Smile *@Juniper68*
That's good 🙂
anon2334 · 09/04/2022 17:46

@HardRockOwl

Spanked? I always associate that word with fetishists.

So she was always a fantastic mother to you and smacked your daughters hand?

Ridiculous overreaction. On your part.

Totally . Goodness what a world we are living in. I. Against smacking yeah totally but a smack on the hand by a fantastic mother is just over reaction
Nennypops · 09/04/2022 17:52

@Shiteshow100

Everyone needs to get a grip! A tap on the hand is not a beating. Just ask your mum not to do it again if it's that much of an issue.
Except it wasn't a tap on the hand, was it, given that it was hard enough to hurt.
speakout · 09/04/2022 17:55

How do the smackers feel about hitting elderly or vulnerable adults- is that OK too?
Or just small people who are too young to fight back?

Nennypops · 09/04/2022 17:56

I would argue in some ways you see a lot more badly behaved kids now though who have no boundaries or displine at all

I suspect those are in fact the children whose parents do smack them. They learn from their parents that violence is acceptable, especially violence to people smaller or more vulnerable than themselves, and that carries over into their behaviour in school and out in the community.

19lottie82 · 09/04/2022 17:58

Gosh is was a smack on the hand not a slapped arse, I think you're being a tad dramatic.

My DD is the sweetest little girl ever, yes she is very stubborn but you just need
to have patience with her.

Maybe other people don’t see it the same way you do?

Nennypops · 09/04/2022 17:59

@brainhurts

Slapping a child's hand can shock the child into modifying there behaviour.
But then you could say the same about slapping, say, people with dementia or serious learning difficulties. Would that be OK?
woodhill · 09/04/2022 17:59

Not necessarily

There is so much more violence in our society these days.

Nennypops · 09/04/2022 18:01

@brainhurts

What no one is taking into account is there are three emotional people involved. Mom who's just had c section, DD who must be a huge mix of emotions mom going away to have new baby and gran , who must be worrying over her DD tied after looking after a child . We don't know why she smacked her on the hand and she's never done it before. Probably all involved are very tied and overwhelmed.
So the smallest one, who is already worried and confused because mummy isn't around, gets to be hit by someone who should be old enough to be able to control herself? Is that OK? After all, teachers are regularly tired and worried but somehow manage not to hit their charges.
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