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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum spanked DD whilst I'm in hospital

516 replies

wantthisbabyout · 08/04/2022 22:43

Currently in hospital after my c-section apologies if this is all over the place as I'm half asleep!

Mum stayed over last night and complained this morning that she hadn't slept all night. We left at 6:45 this morning and she was up. She also said yesterday that she wishes my kids were "normal"

I FaceTimed her today with the kids and DD was upset saying grandma hurt me and my mum said oh it's ok it was only a little spank on the hand as she hasn't been listening.

My DD is the sweetest little girl ever, yes she is very stubborn but you just need to have patience with her.

AIBU to feel like my mum has just lost her temper and probably felt a bit angry and spanked her? I feel so upset about anyone touching my kids.

DH has just popped home now to get some sleepsuits but I dare not tell him because he will be so angry.

OP posts:
Radziwill · 09/04/2022 13:06

I hate it when people say "tap" when they mean "smack". I knew a man who used to say it was no big deal if men give their wives and daughters a "tap", and it made my skin crawl. It's so dishonest - everyone knows the difference. Taps don't hurt even slightly.

toomanydogsandcats · 09/04/2022 13:06

Well I would be pretty annoyed if they did. My parents were burgled whilst in the house and suffered huge trauma. The police refused to attend as its not a police matter and gave then a crime number. They didn't even take a list of what was taken. I f they can neglect real crime but respond to what is essentially a spoilt little madam having her hand touched, they should be shot.

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 13:08

Yes, the police can be shit. I doubt they’d care about a girl being hit, you’re right.

toomanydogsandcats · 09/04/2022 13:10

This thread is absolutely hilarious. I have so enjoyed it, police GrinGrinGrin

chaosrabbitland · 09/04/2022 13:15

@Pumperthepumper

Yes, the police can be shit. I doubt they’d care about a girl being hit, you’re right.
and by that token that assault is assault then i assume you would be in favour of police being called if a say fourteen year old violently hit their parent? i mean its still assault isn't it
Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 13:17

Yes, I would, if the situation warranted a call to the police. Although I'd question if we should expect a fourteen year old to have full control of their emotions as we would an adult.

pantsandpringles · 09/04/2022 13:21

If my daughter had ever said to me that anyone in my family hit her, that'd be the last time they'd see her.

And people will say "oh it's very easy to just say that" and it is for me, and to also do it because my child matters more to me than anyone. Even if her father did it (who I am in a very happy long relationship with) he'd be shown the door IMMEDIATELY. not the day after, not a couple of weeks down the line; there and then. And I'd have no regrets.

I cut my eldest sister out when I found out I was pregnant because she's a heroin addict with 3 kids taken off her (long story but she's essentially refused all help for 30 years, stolen, lied to professionals, stopped me adopting her daughter etc) and I only spoke to her for one minute about a month after my daughter was born. She turned up at my house and asked to see her, i told her no, and she never will and to get off my property or I'd call the police.

Jannt86 · 09/04/2022 13:27

@toomanydogsandcats

Well I would be pretty annoyed if they did. My parents were burgled whilst in the house and suffered huge trauma. The police refused to attend as its not a police matter and gave then a crime number. They didn't even take a list of what was taken. I f they can neglect real crime but respond to what is essentially a spoilt little madam having her hand touched, they should be shot.
I'm enraged and this isn't even my child. How dare you say that about a chuld you don't even know. You're vile and OP has the right insight into this issue and I'm ensure raise a child who's a million times the person you are.
zingally · 09/04/2022 13:31

I wouldn't be upset if my mum smacked one of my 2 in all honesty. I've only smacked one of them once. But if they told me my mum had smacked their bum or whatever, I'd probably say "should have behaved yourself then, eh?" with a shrug.

But OP, you know your mum best. Just talk to her. Say that you'd rather she didn't physically discipline your children in future. I know everyone's different, and lots of commenters are up in arms, but speaking as someone who works with kids and parents, and has done for nearly 20 years, a smack is still very, very common. It probably shouldn't be, but only you can decide OP, whether you want to make a big deal out of it.

Jannt86 · 09/04/2022 13:34

@zingally

I wouldn't be upset if my mum smacked one of my 2 in all honesty. I've only smacked one of them once. But if they told me my mum had smacked their bum or whatever, I'd probably say "should have behaved yourself then, eh?" with a shrug.

But OP, you know your mum best. Just talk to her. Say that you'd rather she didn't physically discipline your children in future. I know everyone's different, and lots of commenters are up in arms, but speaking as someone who works with kids and parents, and has done for nearly 20 years, a smack is still very, very common. It probably shouldn't be, but only you can decide OP, whether you want to make a big deal out of it.

Just coz it's common doesn't mean it's right and just coz you've worked years in childcare doesn't mean you've taken the time to educate yourself on appropriate and effective discipline... clearly
LexMitior · 09/04/2022 13:34

Don't start having an argument with your mother on this OP, while she's done the wrong thing, she's also reasonably not up to looking after your kids. That's normal to a degree, since toddlers are very demanding and yours is stubborn and older people can be the same. Some grandparents are really just there for the nice stuff and not graft.

Get your husband to look after the kids. He will have more energy and understanding at a point when you need someone to just handle this, and you don't need an argument with your mother too.

Raise it later but take note - your mum really can't look after toddlers to your standards. I'm not saying it was okay, but you have to make the decision in that light.

worriedatthistime · 09/04/2022 13:37

@Jannt86 but current discipline now will be frowned on in years to come , the naughty step already is
What makes you the expert
Things often go full circle with many things

worriedatthistime · 09/04/2022 13:38

@Jannt86 if in england then a small tap on the hand isn't ilegal
You may want it to be but for now it isn't

worriedatthistime · 09/04/2022 13:40

In the real world if your child hits which im suprised they do as where are they learning from if you don't or is it human behaviour ?
They will more often than not get a hit back by another child as well
But i find it strange that children hit parents and other children if they have never been ht ?

Jannt86 · 09/04/2022 13:43

I never said it was illegal but it's widely accepted as crap parenting. Empathy and social behaviour can't be enforced they're intuitive based on your experiences with your closest relationships. If the people you rely on most don't have enough respect or consideration of your feelings to not physically assault you then how can you expect their developijg brains to conprehend how wrong it is for them to do the same to others?

LethargeMarg · 09/04/2022 13:55

@Juniper68

I work with adults who have learning disabilities. Imagine if their often immature and dangerous behaviour was met with a smack every time? I'd be on fucking panorama!!
Again being a professional is different to being a parent. I work with children with learning disabilities . It's a very different scenario. And also hardly anyone is saying it's fine what the grandma did but we are saying it's not the end of the world and definitely 100% not a police matter. As someone working in this field you'll know that most referrals to social services which do involve a snack would barely warrant more than a welfare check . Is this is a safe loving supportive family social services and the police wouldn't do a thing about a tap on the hand
toomanydogsandcats · 09/04/2022 13:56

The thread that keeps on giving Grin

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 14:21

@toomanydogsandcats

The thread that keeps on giving Grin
Which bit is making you laugh? The ones that think you shouldn’t hit children, or the ones who thing you should?
NeedleNoodle3 · 09/04/2022 14:30

The smack isn’t acceptable, from reading your posts it sounds as if your DM isn’t up to looking after your DD.

dummyd · 09/04/2022 14:40

@Pumperthepumper

Yes, the police can be shit. I doubt they’d care about a girl being hit, you’re right.
But you'd seriously call them in the first place? Let me guess, NC with mil too?
toomanydogsandcats · 09/04/2022 14:41

The outpourings of drama, the police, no contact, that's what is making me chuckle. I mean seriously, some of you have way too much h time on your hands Grin

dummyd · 09/04/2022 14:45

But tapping their hand away from say, a lit candle is different to hitting the back of their hand to stop them doing it again.

Shouldn't be hitting kids 😇

Seriously, is it's as abusive as you say to sway a hand that it warrants police intervention and such, it shouldn't be done in any scenario. If a child is reaching for a candle you say 'no dear, don't touch' - not hit them.

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 14:49

But you'd seriously call them in the first place? Let me guess, NC with mil too?

No, I said I’d call them if I thought the situation warranted it. No, not NC with MIL. Just against hitting children.

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 14:50

@dummyd

But tapping their hand away from say, a lit candle is different to hitting the back of their hand to stop them doing it again.

Shouldn't be hitting kids 😇

Seriously, is it's as abusive as you say to sway a hand that it warrants police intervention and such, it shouldn't be done in any scenario. If a child is reaching for a candle you say 'no dear, don't touch' - not hit them.

No, that’s the previous posters wording. Moving their hand away from a lit candle is not the same as hitting (smacking, tapping) their hand to stop them doing it again.
Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 14:51

@toomanydogsandcats

The outpourings of drama, the police, no contact, that's what is making me chuckle. I mean seriously, some of you have way too much h time on your hands Grin
You’re the one hanging about pretending to be amused!