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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum spanked DD whilst I'm in hospital

516 replies

wantthisbabyout · 08/04/2022 22:43

Currently in hospital after my c-section apologies if this is all over the place as I'm half asleep!

Mum stayed over last night and complained this morning that she hadn't slept all night. We left at 6:45 this morning and she was up. She also said yesterday that she wishes my kids were "normal"

I FaceTimed her today with the kids and DD was upset saying grandma hurt me and my mum said oh it's ok it was only a little spank on the hand as she hasn't been listening.

My DD is the sweetest little girl ever, yes she is very stubborn but you just need to have patience with her.

AIBU to feel like my mum has just lost her temper and probably felt a bit angry and spanked her? I feel so upset about anyone touching my kids.

DH has just popped home now to get some sleepsuits but I dare not tell him because he will be so angry.

OP posts:
Juniper68 · 09/04/2022 11:46

@BellaVita I'm glad to hear that regarding db. I hope you're in contact with nice sil?

Juniper68 · 09/04/2022 11:48

I never hit my adult dss. Both well rounded young men now. They love us and we're all very close.

Juniper68 · 09/04/2022 11:50

[quote PupInAPram]@KarmaStar if you have children, would it be OK for staff at their nursery or school to give them a tap to get them to behave?[/quote]
It wouldn't. Amazing that they have a full class yet manage not to use physical violence. Hmm

dummyd · 09/04/2022 11:50

If a tap on the hand is nothing then why do it at all?

Would you call the police then @Pumperthepumper, if it was your mum or mil?

JackieQueen · 09/04/2022 11:55

Sounds like it was more than a tap as the little girl said "granny hurt me".

worriedatthistime · 09/04/2022 11:58

@Pumperthepumper oh come on their aRe generations that have survived a tap in the hand
Its irrelevant to how people do things now , times change i fed my kids at 3 months now its 6
People put kids in cars without seatbelts
I would argue in some ways you see a lot more badly behaved kids now though who have no boundaries or displine at all
Some are calling the naught step abusive now and maybe in 20 years kids may be horrified that parents used this for discipline
I mean no its not even used by many on here , I think there is a lot more challenging behaviour in schools now as to what there was when i was young , and corporate punishment was not used in any school i went to , but parents did discipline kids who had been naughty at school rather than minimise

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 12:00

[quote worriedatthistime]@Pumperthepumper oh come on their aRe generations that have survived a tap in the hand
Its irrelevant to how people do things now , times change i fed my kids at 3 months now its 6
People put kids in cars without seatbelts
I would argue in some ways you see a lot more badly behaved kids now though who have no boundaries or displine at all
Some are calling the naught step abusive now and maybe in 20 years kids may be horrified that parents used this for discipline
I mean no its not even used by many on here , I think there is a lot more challenging behaviour in schools now as to what there was when i was young , and corporate punishment was not used in any school i went to , but parents did discipline kids who had been naughty at school rather than minimise [/quote]
If it is just a tap, why do it? If it doesn’t hurt, what’s the point?

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 12:01

@dummyd

If a tap on the hand is nothing then why do it at all?

Would you call the police then @Pumperthepumper, if it was your mum or mil?

I might, if I thought it warranted police action.

It’s interesting you didn’t answer my question though. Would you agree it has to hurt to be effective?

chaosrabbitland · 09/04/2022 12:06

@HangingRock25

i dont think you are rational and its rather pointless engaging with you as you have the mantra of a parrot , always repeating same thing , cant reason at all Exactly chaosrabbitland . It is pointless, especially when they make it obvious they're not interested in engaging in good faith with logical, reasonable arguments. And I do mean logical and reasonable - what posters like that don't understand is that the more unhinged and irrational they get, comparing children to adults or cats, the more they own goal themselves - and there is no point continuing a discussion when they sink to such levels of irrationality. They basically prove my point, and actually firm my views. If you cannot argue your position with logic and reason, you've lost and they know it. They have no justification, no argument. Being on this thread has confirmed, and firmed my views.
yes agreed , although being on this thread does make one want to despair as well , and i only have to read some of these replies to think i am in some weird twilight zone full of literally unhinged women all gasping in horror at the subject topic , its all irrational and nuts , apparently women that have smacked their children feel guilty about it , my mum would laugh if i asked her if she felt guilty about the three times she smacked me . and im also an apparantely damaged person because she has smacked me as a kid and i dont see anything wrong with it lol . now all i have to do is work out if its worse to be damanged or unhinged and try to pick which !
worriedatthistime · 09/04/2022 12:08

@Pumperthepumper more as a shock mechanism it was used or to tap someones hand away if say about to touch something dangerous
All im saying in this instance I would speak to my mum explain we don't use hitting and see if she agreed but also tell her what punishments we do use,
Unless you use none then you cannot expect someone to even Have your kids if they aren't allowed to control them or discipline them in anyway
Maybe the mum just had an awful off day so speaking about it helps.
Her reaction will give OP enough info to know if she will do this again or not most likely
Maybe she can't cope with the kids so shouldn't be left
There are certain friends children who I would refuse to look after as they are never told NO and have zero boundaries and I wouldn't look after them even in an emergency tbh

chaosrabbitland · 09/04/2022 12:12

@Pumperthepumper

It wasn't a tap, the OP says it was a spank on the hand. And the OP's daughter says it hurt - which it would obviously have to in order to be a deterrent.

Whats the purpose of a tap if it doesn't hurt?

just to clarify , the op had already exggerated the title presumably to get ppl to click on it , the kid is very very likely to exgggerate it to her mother as shes pissed at grandma . it probably was a sharp tap or light smack that stung a bit , but who knows , not sure id believe what either the kid or the op said at this point ,
LethargeMarg · 09/04/2022 12:12

[quote PupInAPram]@KarmaStar if you have children, would it be OK for staff at their nursery or school to give them a tap to get them to behave?[/quote]
No but that's a professional working with your kids. It's a very different relationship to a parent or carer in lots of ways and children are often much better behaved when they're in a setting with clear structure and boundaries and it's not so stressful as you're focused on that one job not having to do a hundred other things . We do lots of things as parents we wouldn't expect professionals to do .

koalalala · 09/04/2022 12:14

Oh god what an awful time for your child to be hit by an adult whilst you're away in hospital & they're dealing with the anxiety of a new sibling / life changing.

You need to tell your husband & he needs to go home & look after the other children. Your mum needs to leave.

I'm sorry flying solo at hospital after a section is tough (done it) but the safety & well-being of your child comes first.

Don't deal with your mum right now, you have enough to cope with. That conversation is for coming days / weeks.

Sorry your family are going through this.

inheritancetrack · 09/04/2022 12:20

I'd also like to ask OP if her mum gave her or her siblings the odd tap on the hand when she was growing up and if it did irreparable damage?

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 12:23

[quote worriedatthistime]@Pumperthepumper more as a shock mechanism it was used or to tap someones hand away if say about to touch something dangerous
All im saying in this instance I would speak to my mum explain we don't use hitting and see if she agreed but also tell her what punishments we do use,
Unless you use none then you cannot expect someone to even Have your kids if they aren't allowed to control them or discipline them in anyway
Maybe the mum just had an awful off day so speaking about it helps.
Her reaction will give OP enough info to know if she will do this again or not most likely
Maybe she can't cope with the kids so shouldn't be left
There are certain friends children who I would refuse to look after as they are never told NO and have zero boundaries and I wouldn't look after them even in an emergency tbh [/quote]
But tapping their hand away from say, a lit candle is different to hitting the back of their hand to stop them doing it again. And my point is, if you’re going to hit them, it has to hurt to be a deterrent. That’s the whole point.

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 12:24

@chaosrabbitland regardless though, shouldn’t it hurt if you’re hitting them to punish them?

PupInAPram · 09/04/2022 12:26

Children can have a routine, boundaries and expectations set and enforced by parents without smacking being used to enforce them. Again, it's been my observation that children in school who are badly behaved often come from homes where using physical punishment is the norm. Slapping doesn't work if setting boundaries to behaviour is the goal.

Juniper68 · 09/04/2022 12:28

@PupInAPram

Children can have a routine, boundaries and expectations set and enforced by parents without smacking being used to enforce them. Again, it's been my observation that children in school who are badly behaved often come from homes where using physical punishment is the norm. Slapping doesn't work if setting boundaries to behaviour is the goal.
Well said.
Juniper68 · 09/04/2022 12:30

I work with adults who have learning disabilities. Imagine if their often immature and dangerous behaviour was met with a smack every time? I'd be on fucking panorama!!

brainhurts · 09/04/2022 12:40

Slapping a child's hand can shock the child into modifying there behaviour.

brainhurts · 09/04/2022 12:48

What no one is taking into account is there are three emotional people involved.
Mom who's just had c section, DD who must be a huge mix of emotions mom going away to have new baby and gran , who must be worrying over her DD tied after looking after a child .
We don't know why she smacked her on the hand and she's never done it before.
Probably all involved are very tied and overwhelmed.

toomanydogsandcats · 09/04/2022 12:59

What would the police say in this case? Would they press charges. Imagine being called out for this, you would struggle to keep a straight face. Grin

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 13:00

It probably depends on what country you’re in, with regards to the police.

woodhill · 09/04/2022 13:03

Haven't the police got better things to do?

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 13:04

Like sending racist and or sexist WhatsApps?