Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Mum spanked DD whilst I'm in hospital

516 replies

wantthisbabyout · 08/04/2022 22:43

Currently in hospital after my c-section apologies if this is all over the place as I'm half asleep!

Mum stayed over last night and complained this morning that she hadn't slept all night. We left at 6:45 this morning and she was up. She also said yesterday that she wishes my kids were "normal"

I FaceTimed her today with the kids and DD was upset saying grandma hurt me and my mum said oh it's ok it was only a little spank on the hand as she hasn't been listening.

My DD is the sweetest little girl ever, yes she is very stubborn but you just need to have patience with her.

AIBU to feel like my mum has just lost her temper and probably felt a bit angry and spanked her? I feel so upset about anyone touching my kids.

DH has just popped home now to get some sleepsuits but I dare not tell him because he will be so angry.

OP posts:
BellaVita · 09/04/2022 10:01

@Juniper68

Deep down I think he was probably quite hurt although he always said he was well rid. He told me she had a vicious side to her when growing up which he seemed to cop for more than the others. Childless SILS always in her favour, one who lives abroad (with children) always the black sheep as she had her first child outside of marriage Hmm and partner is a "foreigner" although she went on to marry her partner and is still with him now. Funnily enough this SIL is the one that was and still is lovely.

Yes, we are in touch with DB. It's really weird because he grew up not far from me, I went to school with the husband of one of his daughters. When we first met up, it was like we had always known each other.

@WinniesHunny

Couldn't agree more.

Fadeout83 · 09/04/2022 10:01

@Pumperthepumper and at the end of the day, no matter how much they protest, they feel shame for hitting their kids. They feel guilty and shameful for hurting a small child they love. It’s human nature. Isn’t that all you need to know it’s wrong?

brainhurts · 09/04/2022 10:04

I think your husband needs to take over looking after DD it's obviously a little too much for your mother . A slap on the hand is hardly a spanking. Obviously your mom resorted to a slapped hand as a last resort .

Shiteshow100 · 09/04/2022 10:06

Everyone needs to get a grip! A tap on the hand is not a beating. Just ask your mum not to do it again if it's that much of an issue.

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 10:09

[quote Fadeout83]@Pumperthepumper and at the end of the day, no matter how much they protest, they feel shame for hitting their kids. They feel guilty and shameful for hurting a small child they love. It’s human nature. Isn’t that all you need to know it’s wrong?[/quote]
Absolutely. Although I am heartened by a lot of the responses on here - it wasn’t so long ago on mumsnet there would be pages and pages of posters saying the kid deserved it and hitting never did them any harm. That attitude is the minority now, as it should be.

worriedatthistime · 09/04/2022 10:10

Yes I would be upset if my mum had smacked my dd on the hand and would tell her so
But I would also be telling her what consequences we do give
As you say your daughter is sweet but challenging so maybe she did warrant a telling off or do you have no consequences

worriedatthistime · 09/04/2022 10:15

Also your mum finding it harder with kids now is usual with age , plus many kids are more challenging now , people often have zero boundaries and older people are not used to that as its not how they were brought up or brought their children up
I would speak to your mum before jumping like many on here have , find out the story , explain you don't find it acceptable and see her reaction

PupInAPram · 09/04/2022 10:16

When you are a parent of small children, you model the behaviour you expect. Hitting a child (let's not soften it with spank or smack,) it is showing them that you get people to do what you want with physical aggression, that it's okay for more powerful people to physically hurt less powerful people. I was a single working parent of two from when they were a baby and a toddler. I never hit them, they never graffitied or ran riot. They are both well qualified, hard working adults. More importantly, I see and speak to them often and we have a great relationship.

worriedatthistime · 09/04/2022 10:25

@PupInAPram but many people now would of had a smack when younger and are well adjusted adults to
People of a certain age smacking was normal
I probably was smacked about 3 times in my life , im not traumatised by it
My kids are 16 &18 and even when they were small a lot of people still used the odd smack or tap on the hand its not long ago many still used it
Im not talking abuse but it was seen as the norm and older generations would of been used to using it
There are other methods but many on here don't use any form of discipline and just allow bad behaviour and consider that normal and that their kids are fine , you get different ends of the spectrum

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 10:33

[quote worriedatthistime]@PupInAPram but many people now would of had a smack when younger and are well adjusted adults to
People of a certain age smacking was normal
I probably was smacked about 3 times in my life , im not traumatised by it
My kids are 16 &18 and even when they were small a lot of people still used the odd smack or tap on the hand its not long ago many still used it
Im not talking abuse but it was seen as the norm and older generations would of been used to using it
There are other methods but many on here don't use any form of discipline and just allow bad behaviour and consider that normal and that their kids are fine , you get different ends of the spectrum
[/quote]
Did you smack your kids?

As I see it, the people who were smacked as children generally fall into two camps - the ones who aren't traumatised but didn't go on to smack their own children, so realised it was an ineffective method of punishment and didn't want it in their own house.

Or, those who claim it didn't do them any harm, but then went on to give out the same punishment to their kids. In which case I would argue it did cause harm, because they don think there's anything wrong with hitting children.

PupInAPram · 09/04/2022 10:38

I've seen a lot of children over 25 years due to my job. The ones who are hit as part of the parents' normal approach to discipline, are invariably worse behaved than those who are not. I realise this is just anecdotal but I have first hand experience of the behaviour of thousands of children.

dummyd · 09/04/2022 10:45

@LoveSpringDaffs

Oh for the love of god, she smacked her hand, what a lot of OTT drama winding the OP up.

@wantthisbabyout. Ignore all the absolute bollocjs about not letting your mum nest the kids sgain. She smacked her hand. It's really not the end if the works, just ask her not to do it again if you're that bothered by it.

Honestly. Like no, I would expect grandma to have more patience especially considering it's just an overnight visit. We'd talk about it. No unsupervised contact? FFS how ridiculous.

dummyd · 09/04/2022 10:47

@Seeleyboo

Smacking is illegal where i love but even so i would be fuming if anyone physically punished my children.

Would you call the police then? If not, why is that? That's enabling abuse then, surely.

speakout · 09/04/2022 10:50

If you left a vulnerable adult or elderly relative and they were smacked how would it seem then?

CoreyTaylorisHot · 09/04/2022 10:50

Have you ever had the discussion with your mother about this??
I'm very close to my Mam, she rarely used to tap us on the hand or bottom if we were 'naughty' my mother in law the same with my husband.
We had the discussion when our children were born that were not taking that approach and they agree to parent the way we want.
If we had the conversation about this and she tapped my daughter on the hand or bottom.
I would be so upset, tell my husband straight away and struggle to trust her again.
When I was younger it was quite common practice in parenting and the conversation was necessary.

creacher · 09/04/2022 10:55

@Juniper68

Those minimising, do you smack your dcs?
It wasn't a smack so there's no correlation. I do not smack.
speakout · 09/04/2022 10:56

creache do you "tap" your children?

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 11:01

It wasn't a tap, the OP says it was a spank on the hand. And the OP's daughter says it hurt - which it would obviously have to in order to be a deterrent.

Whats the purpose of a tap if it doesn't hurt?

creacher · 09/04/2022 11:01

@speakout

creache do you "tap" your children?

My kids well behaved. I wouldn't be overreacting like this is my kids were tapped on the hand. Respectfully, some of you need to get a grip.

PupInAPram · 09/04/2022 11:04

If you were to 'tap' 'slap' or 'spank' another adult, the police would not distinguish between what they charged you with if the person assaulted wished to press charges.

Onlyforcake · 09/04/2022 11:06

There are so many people completely programmed to accept children "need" being hit in order to learn to behave. And yet presumably she was hit as a child and thus thinks its OK. Never will it occur to these people that it was
, is wrong to not be able to deal with your anger in a non violent way. Its an abuse, using being physically stronger to get what you want.

This is why I am strongly against my parents looking after my kids. They learned lashing out was somehow 'OK' rather than taking responsibility.

speakout · 09/04/2022 11:08

Onlyforcake

Exactly.

Those parents who were physically punished themselves and hit their kids will often say " it never did me any harm".
Well sorry it did- you have come to think physically assaulting kids is fine.
That's not being OK.

KarmaStar · 09/04/2022 11:09

A tap on the hand is nothing and the responses here are just fueling the fire.a hard smack is very different to a small tap.I
Ok I hope you recover well soon.your dc will be fine.

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 11:12

@KarmaStar

A tap on the hand is nothing and the responses here are just fueling the fire.a hard smack is very different to a small tap.I Ok I hope you recover well soon.your dc will be fine.
If a tap on the hand is nothing then why do it at all?
PupInAPram · 09/04/2022 11:21

@KarmaStar if you have children, would it be OK for staff at their nursery or school to give them a tap to get them to behave?

Swipe left for the next trending thread