To think most ‘Mum guilt’ is perpetuated by incompetent dads

[TeaAndBrie]

So we’re going on a short European break for the weekend, me and 5 friends. We’ve not all been together for 8 years. We’re going to celebrate joint big birthdays.
The amount of stuff that some of them is doing before they go to make things easier for the dads of their children is just bonkers. Meal planning and prepping, food shopping, cleaning, washing, arranging play dates, organising parents to help etc.
Most of their husbands go away often for work/golfing weekends. You can guarantee they’re not afforded the same preparation or having to deal with children in years as they’re going to miss mummy too much!

I cringe when I come upon threads like this, blaming women for their choices. Why criticise women who don't enjoy the same carefree circumstances as you? Be concerned. Question why the male parents have done such a number on their DC's female parents, and by extension, their own DC.
The male parents most likely did not advertise their incompetence prior to fathering children so stop blaming women for picking the 'wrong' men.
I have several women friends for whom this is the reality: all competent, smart, funny, feminist mothers for whom leaving their DC with their male partners (all apparently charming, seemingly competent adults with grown-up professional carreers) wouldn't be a decision made lightly, would either involve a considerable amount of scaffolding, arranging for DC to stay with GPs, spend most of the days on playdates (effectively being looked after by another DC's mother) or they just wouldn't go.
The dynamic is endemic in their relationships; spousal anxiety, wilful incompetence, guilt tripping, periodic depression, grumpiness, entitlement. So the mothers mitigate. They wouldn't give a toss if their DC ate baked beans every day and spent the week in PJs if they knew that the DC's dad would be relaxed, good company and happy to hold the fort. Instead, they know their male partners will flap, be overwhelmed, get panicky, or have massive blind spots around basic care.
I have other, similarly competent and intelligent friends who have left partners where this dynamic had been a feature of the relationship. They still find themselves doing what they can to make the DC's 50/50 or EOW run smoothly while in the care of the XH.
When I come across women, socially or through work, who seem to be shouldering most of the parenting, I have learnt that this is rarely by choice, these women are not martyrs, uptight or controlling. But somewhere along the way, their male partners have given them just enough reason to worry that their DC might have a shit time were they to leave them in the care of their fathers.
PPs have been disparaging toward and critical of women who stay in relationships with such partners. Show some solidarity and direct blame toward the dysfunctional male parent, and give the mothers a break. They're compensating and picking up anticipated slack, not martyring themselves.

The only real difference when my daughters were little would have been they wouldn't have been in tights - because he hated putting them on them, on in winter they would have been in trousers (dresses were fine in summer) - once they could dress themselves they could wear what they wanted

@Pumperthepumper the specific post you started saying that to was about why women stay, it is up to a woman how she behaves why she stays. It is up to a man how he behaves.

Not that complex.

I don’t think it’s me who’s struggling with the concept of ‘not everything is the fault of a woman’.

@EveSix

I cringe when I come upon threads like this, blaming women for their choices. Why criticise women who don't enjoy the same carefree circumstances as you? Be concerned. Question why the male parents have done such a number on their DC's female parents, and by extension, their own DC. The male parents most likely did not advertise their incompetence prior to fathering children so stop blaming women for picking the 'wrong' men. I have several women friends for whom this is the reality: all competent, smart, funny, feminist mothers for whom leaving their DC with their male partners (all apparently charming, seemingly competent adults with grown-up professional carreers) wouldn't be a decision made lightly, would either involve a considerable amount of scaffolding, arranging for DC to stay with GPs, spend most of the days on playdates (effectively being looked after by another DC's mother) or they just wouldn't go. The dynamic is endemic in their relationships; spousal anxiety, wilful incompetence, guilt tripping, periodic depression, grumpiness, entitlement. So the mothers mitigate. They wouldn't give a toss if their DC ate baked beans every day and spent the week in PJs if they knew that the DC's dad would be relaxed, good company and happy to hold the fort. Instead, they know their male partners will flap, be overwhelmed, get panicky, or have massive blind spots around basic care. I have other, similarly competent and intelligent friends who have left partners where this dynamic had been a feature of the relationship. They still find themselves doing what they can to make the DC's 50/50 or EOW run smoothly while in the care of the XH. When I come across women, socially or through work, who seem to be shouldering most of the parenting, I have learnt that this is rarely by choice, these women are not martyrs, uptight or controlling. But somewhere along the way, their male partners have given them just enough reason to worry that their DC might have a shit time were they to leave them in the care of their fathers. PPs have been disparaging toward and critical of women who stay in relationships with such partners. Show some solidarity and direct blame toward the dysfunctional male parent, and give the mothers a break. They're compensating and picking up anticipated slack, not martyring themselves.

You are so right! You need to support the women who are supporting and /or enabling entitled and low skilled male partners! 👌🏼💕