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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think most ‘Mum guilt’ is perpetuated by incompetent dads

155 replies

TeaAndBrie · 08/04/2022 10:20

So we’re going on a short European break for the weekend, me and 5 friends. We’ve not all been together for 8 years. We’re going to celebrate joint big birthdays.
The amount of stuff that some of them is doing before they go to make things easier for the dads of their children is just bonkers. Meal planning and prepping, food shopping, cleaning, washing, arranging play dates, organising parents to help etc.
Most of their husbands go away often for work/golfing weekends. You can guarantee they’re not afforded the same preparation or having to deal with children in years as they’re going to miss mummy too much!

OP posts:
Underfrighter · 08/04/2022 19:37

When I go away the only thing we do differently is meal plan an easy meal or a freezer meal for those days as my husband hates cooking. Apart from that, I dont get involved and they somehow manage to be fed clothed washed and go to normal activities

yellowsuninthesky · 08/04/2022 19:58

@Mumoblue

YANBU. I don’t believe it’s just “martyrdom” either. It’s usually a mix of that and feigned incompetence from the partner.
I don't think it's feigned incompetence. I just think some mothers are far too demanding/fussy and think that the world will stop turning if things aren't just so. Most men don't think like that. Fish and chips or a McDonalds is fine once in a while while a mum is away enjoying herself.

Just don't want anyone else messing with my household routine this says it all really

yellowsuninthesky · 08/04/2022 19:59

Surely that’s the point though, they would ‘muddle along’ - why just muddle? Why no play dates

Because kids don't need play dates every single weekend?

And by the way I agree with the author who wrote that the person who invented the expression play date deserves to stand bare foot on Lego for the rest of their lives.

pearljamm · 08/04/2022 20:29

I never considered before, but I dont do anything extra when I go away. DH has his faults but can cope as well as I do by himself with the DC!

Pumperthepumper · 08/04/2022 20:31

@yellowsuninthesky

Surely that’s the point though, they would ‘muddle along’ - why just muddle? Why no play dates

Because kids don't need play dates every single weekend?

And by the way I agree with the author who wrote that the person who invented the expression play date deserves to stand bare foot on Lego for the rest of their lives.

No, the assumption is they will get less care and attention when they’re with their father. That’s what I take issue with - why a reduction in standards?
Pumperthepumper · 08/04/2022 20:33

Even this statement: Fish and chips or a McDonalds is fine once in a while while a mum is away enjoying herself.

Why fish and chips until the Main Parent comes back?

ReadyToMoveIt · 08/04/2022 20:40

DH batch cooks and leaves meals in the freezer for me and the children when he goes away… I don’t think he’s being a ‘daddy martyr’, he just tends to do most of the cooking and wants to make life a bit easier for me while he’s away sleeping in a nice hotel room in peace and I’m dealing with all the children!

Ridingoutthewaves · 08/04/2022 20:44

I am in total shock that you know anyone who does this for their husbands/ partners and why they are still with them if this level of shite is required. Sounds like something from my grandparents era…

FlickyCrumble · 08/04/2022 20:47

I would rather organise so it wasn’t a shit show on return. Sometimes I’ll be told of plans to go to shop and buy pizza and go to playground if not raining but I switch off as I don’t need to know.

Nightlystroll · 08/04/2022 20:48

Mum guilt is perpetuated by mums. The expectations that mothers put on themselves is bonkers. They have to go sports day and of term events or they'll be looked down on; they have to get dressed up to avoid disapproval at the school gates; they have to arrange the childrens social life with play dates; they have to give out party bags, come up with new party locations and experiences; Christmas is a 5 day event, starting with Christmas boxes, pj's and duvet covers; weekends can't just be chilling out but have to be packed with cycle rides and board games.
It's never-ending. And so much pressure. It's nothing to do with incompetent fathers, it's all about obsessive mothers.

EV117 · 08/04/2022 21:01

Why fish and chips until the Main Parent comes back?

My SIL doesn’t cook. If my BIL went away for the weekend I’m sure it would be all take aways and oven food. That does not for a second make my BIL the ‘Main Parent’. My SIL is an amazing mum. She likes to meet up with friends for ‘play dates’. BIL, who doesn’t know these ladies that well from what I’m aware, I think understandably would not want to meet up with his wife’s besties in her stead for a good old chin wag on a Saturday while the kids potter around together. They’d be fine missing out one week and doing an alternative activity.
It’s a weekend. If you don’t usually cook much then it’s not essential to suddenly try and become Mary Berry for two days. Or do other things outside your usual repertoire. As long as the kids are happy and well looked after it’s fine. If the self appointed ‘main’ parent’ in the relationship were to perhaps end up in hospital for two week then in many cases I’m sure the ‘secondary’ parent would make the necessary effort to keep things as usual for the children. If that’s not the case, and you are in fact simply in a relationship with an uncaring and useless arsehole then you’ve got some serious choices to make.
I think it’s interesting and a bit sad that some families run things this way. DH and I are both competent parents in our own ways, same as my SIL and BIL. And we are all capable of looking after our children on our own without any one attempting to micromanage. Kid will pic up on this sort of thing too and it’s not setting a good example for a healthy relationship - you may never really say things like ‘main parent’ but they will pick up on it. Seriously though, if you can’t trust your partner who is also a parent to your children to look after them adequately then that’s a bit fucked up and raises some big alarm bells.

EV117 · 08/04/2022 21:04

Mum guilt is perpetuated by mums. The expectations that mothers put on themselves is bonkers.

I’ve never really felt this mum guilt. But then I guess I maybe I feel a bit guilty for not feeling the mum guilt. Can’t win 😂

Blossomtoes · 08/04/2022 21:05

@EV117

Mum guilt is perpetuated by mums. The expectations that mothers put on themselves is bonkers.

I’ve never really felt this mum guilt. But then I guess I maybe I feel a bit guilty for not feeling the mum guilt. Can’t win 😂

I never had it either. It’s a luxury single parents can’t afford.
Pumperthepumper · 08/04/2022 21:06

@Nightlystroll

Mum guilt is perpetuated by mums. The expectations that mothers put on themselves is bonkers. They have to go sports day and of term events or they'll be looked down on; they have to get dressed up to avoid disapproval at the school gates; they have to arrange the childrens social life with play dates; they have to give out party bags, come up with new party locations and experiences; Christmas is a 5 day event, starting with Christmas boxes, pj's and duvet covers; weekends can't just be chilling out but have to be packed with cycle rides and board games. It's never-ending. And so much pressure. It's nothing to do with incompetent fathers, it's all about obsessive mothers.
Why don’t fathers feel the same pressure?
Nightlystroll · 08/04/2022 22:43

Why don’t fathers feel the same pressure?
Because they're sensible? Because they don't get into competitive parenting? Because they recognise their children can make their own friends and don't need a craft table, a Christmas box, a party bag and uncle Tom Cobley and all. Because they have some self confidence and dont need to compare their appearance at the school gate? I don't know. Honestly being a parent is time-consuming and knackering enough. Why do women constantly up the ante of what they need to do to bring up healthy, well-balanced kids? Don't we have enough on our plates as it is?

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 07:51

@Nightlystroll

Why don’t fathers feel the same pressure? Because they're sensible? Because they don't get into competitive parenting? Because they recognise their children can make their own friends and don't need a craft table, a Christmas box, a party bag and uncle Tom Cobley and all. Because they have some self confidence and dont need to compare their appearance at the school gate? I don't know. Honestly being a parent is time-consuming and knackering enough. Why do women constantly up the ante of what they need to do to bring up healthy, well-balanced kids? Don't we have enough on our plates as it is?
So men have a genetic sensibility that silly women don’t have?
DockOTheBay · 09/04/2022 07:56

It's also perpetuated by societal expectations that dads are useless.
I leave my 2 and 5 year olds overnight with my husband and everyone is like "ooh you're brave" or "good luck Dad!", whereas if he went away nobody would bat an eye.

I soon set them straight, incidentally. DH isn't as keen on cooking but the kids will be absolutley fine with pasta, omelet or fish fingers for the weekend!

Parker231 · 09/04/2022 07:57

@hungrymutha

I may lay out some outfits (so DC doesn't wear old/ grown out of non matching clothrs) but not meal plan

He can at least heat up pizza snd fish fingers

Why would you lay out the clothes? Does he not know what clothes they have, their favourite T-shirt, what is usually kept for playing in the park v going out for the day?

Why would he only cook pizza or fish fingers? Alright for an occasional meal but why not make a proper meal?

oioimatey · 09/04/2022 07:59

I'm so happy to not subscribe to this idea of mum guilt Grin

DropYourSword · 09/04/2022 08:00

There's two seperate issues here.

I have a lot of unnecessary Mums guilt. I think that's just built in. Nothing to do with my DH who is an extremely competent father.

The bigger issue is WHY are all these mothers who are going away for a weekend doing all this stuff in the first place. Why have they had children with incompetent man babies?!

DockOTheBay · 09/04/2022 08:00

@Nightlystroll

Mum guilt is perpetuated by mums. The expectations that mothers put on themselves is bonkers. They have to go sports day and of term events or they'll be looked down on; they have to get dressed up to avoid disapproval at the school gates; they have to arrange the childrens social life with play dates; they have to give out party bags, come up with new party locations and experiences; Christmas is a 5 day event, starting with Christmas boxes, pj's and duvet covers; weekends can't just be chilling out but have to be packed with cycle rides and board games. It's never-ending. And so much pressure. It's nothing to do with incompetent fathers, it's all about obsessive mothers.
I don't do any of that stuff
oioimatey · 09/04/2022 08:03

In all seriousness I would probably wash clothes to help out, but that's it. My DH is perfectly competent, luckily.

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 08:09

@DropYourSword

There's two seperate issues here.

I have a lot of unnecessary Mums guilt. I think that's just built in. Nothing to do with my DH who is an extremely competent father.

The bigger issue is WHY are all these mothers who are going away for a weekend doing all this stuff in the first place. Why have they had children with incompetent man babies?!

Why have they had children with incompetent man babies?!

No, why have the incompetent man babies had children? Why does it always have to be the woman’s fault?

PinkSyCo · 09/04/2022 08:10

Do they really need to do these things though or are your friends overbearing fusspots who don’t want to relinquish control?

PinkSyCo · 09/04/2022 08:11

Also organising play dates? Wtf? Hmm