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Original poster

To think most ‘Mum guilt’ is perpetuated by incompetent dads

155 replies

TeaAndBrie · 08/04/2022 10:20

So we’re going on a short European break for the weekend, me and 5 friends. We’ve not all been together for 8 years. We’re going to celebrate joint big birthdays.
The amount of stuff that some of them is doing before they go to make things easier for the dads of their children is just bonkers. Meal planning and prepping, food shopping, cleaning, washing, arranging play dates, organising parents to help etc.
Most of their husbands go away often for work/golfing weekends. You can guarantee they’re not afforded the same preparation or having to deal with children in years as they’re going to miss mummy too much!

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 10/04/2022 15:12

@FTEngineerM

How is it misogyny *@Pumperthepumper* ?

Stop acting like women are delicate little flowers with no agency, we’re fucking powerful.

We choose who our partners are, we choose whether to have sex with them, we choose whether to keep the pregnancy, we choose to remain in a relationship with them.

There’s obviously a tiny minority that are in arranged marriages or abused into thinking they don’t have a choice but that is not the majority.

Because no matter what happens, no matter what the man does, it’s a woman’s fault for accepting it.
Blossomtoes · 10/04/2022 15:14

no matter what the man does, it’s a woman’s fault for accepting it

Well, isn’t it? We can’t control what other people do but we can control whether we put up with it or not.

Pumperthepumper · 10/04/2022 15:16

@Blossomtoes

no matter what the man does, it’s a woman’s fault for accepting it

Well, isn’t it? We can’t control what other people do but we can control whether we put up with it or not.

No! Of course not - it’s the fault of the person choosing to be a shit father.
FTEngineerM · 10/04/2022 15:41

@Pumperthepumper if women didn’t accept it, they couldn’t do it..

TheBigDilemma · 10/04/2022 15:51

Most women who do that level of preparation either have a man who cannot be trusted with the kids of who has not been allowed to deal children needs and issues and cope without the mum’s input, so it is not surprising mums feel they need to go into such level of preparation even if that is because the husband has been allowed to dump almost all parenting on the mum.

This is not a courtesy to their husbands but a need to ensure the children are not neglected by an inexpert dad.

Having said that, most of us mums, have turned into the primary cater because if we do not do what’s needed nobody cares. The only way to ensure this cycle is broken is to educate boys and girls for change, that means not expecting boys to be useless at home because they are boys and not let girls grow up seeing their mums dropping their wants, needs, dreams and careers to the side to support a man.

jmpt29 · 10/04/2022 15:52

My partner can absolutely cope, he did so for 2 months with our 2 toddlers whilst I was laid up in hospital. It was a rush to A&E situation so no time to prep anything before I left and he managed just fine.

Kids were clean and fed, house was clean and tidy and still standing. Nothing was any different to if I had been there.

I would do those things too just to try and make his life a little easier I suppose, Its not a great hassle really so why not? Prepping a few meals and having a quick nip around with a hoover.

I often wonder why women have children with these types of men?

I'm honestly baffled by it. I see it so often, women complaining about how shit their partner is and how they can't cope for 2 minutes without them there and everything would go to absolute shit if mummy left for 2 minutes yet they chose to have a baby with this person.

I work full time, my partner is a stay at home dad, he does everything that I can do. I knew this before we had a child together.
I would suggest people be more careful who they choose to have children with,

tinkywinkyshandbag · 10/04/2022 15:55

Totally!! I'm abroad t the moment visiting my Mum. I've seen her twice in the last 2 years. My DH has been on the phone flapping about having to change the bed because the dog was sick on it and then last night on a panic because one of the toilet cisterns wouldn't stop filling. Apparently my fault that he didn't know where the stopcock was or how to turn it off at the isolation valve. My DDs are older teenagers and don't need a lot of looking after apart from the occasional lift, and my older DD has done most of the cooking. I did all the laundry before I left and arranged an online shop. He's going away next week and to be honest I can't wait! I think I'll ring him up in a flap about putting the bins out or something.

stayathomer · 10/04/2022 18:07

tinkywinkyshandbag
I'd ring for solidarity if the cats were sick and would have no clue what to do if the cistern wouldn't stop filling

ReadyToMoveIt · 10/04/2022 18:25

I wouldn’t have a clue what to do if the cistern wouldn’t stop filling either 🤷🏻‍♀️. We all have our strengths and weaknesses.

ReadyToMoveIt · 10/04/2022 18:25

Having said that, if DH was away I’d ring my Dad for help with the cistern Grin

Pumperthepumper · 10/04/2022 18:30

[quote FTEngineerM]@Pumperthepumper if women didn’t accept it, they couldn’t do it..[/quote]
Why not? You can be a shit dad without a woman around.

tinkywinkyshandbag · 10/04/2022 18:37

@stayathomer it wasn't so much that he didn't know what to do, it was the flapping and panic and the implication that it was somehow my fault for having the audacity to be away!

FTEngineerM · 10/04/2022 19:48

@Pumperthepumper you can’t be a dad without a woman; somewhere they had sex with someone and they then chose to carry the pregnancy to full term.

The original post you quoted was about why women put up with it and then moan to other on how inept the guy is.. you just have to look at the 2u2 Facebook group to see the plethora of anon posts from women who’s partners are honestly shocking.

It’s not misogynistic to ask why someone chooses to stay, even when they’re getting shit on.

OLP2019 · 11/04/2022 04:11

@readytomoveit "I wouldn’t have a clue what to do if the cistern wouldn’t stop filling either 🤷🏻‍♀️. We all have our strengths and weaknesses."
Yeah but what's your other half meant to do if they're half way across the world ?!

OLP2019 · 11/04/2022 04:14

Half the problem is that the other half doensnt do stuff the same way or perhaps as efficiently as they would do ! Doesn't make them useless . I'm travelling for work a lot in the bear future and I'll make sure the kids have clean uniform and I shop for lunch box snacks mainly for their sake ! Yea I'm probably enabling DH uselessness but if my kids are happy and I can relax while away then that's ok
I won't batch cook and freeze meals I assume he's capable of feeding them a few times or at least knows where the local pizza place is

Ricardothesnowman · 11/04/2022 04:33

I know someone who does all this, and her youngest dc is 20!

She even cooks and freezes meals for the dc who don't live at home anymore, in case they want to go to hers for lunch whilst she is away.

GoodSoup · 11/04/2022 04:47

I rarely organise play dates at a weekend, so I sure as hell wouldn’t expect DH to. I used to regularly work weekends and never organised anything.

RustyShackleford3 · 11/04/2022 04:49

Good grief, I couldn't deal with this.

I don't go away often, but when I do, I say goodbye to the children with lots of cuddles and kisses, and then off I go. That's it. I would lose all respect for him if he needed me to prep all the meals, do all the shopping, organise childcare and generally organise everything for whilst I was away. Surely it's easier to just be a single parent, if your "partner" is that useless?

TheLadyDIdGood · 11/04/2022 04:50

All of this preparation before going away only adds to the problem. The 2nd parent & the children are almost groomed to be incompetent so the 1st parent can swoop in and be the saviour. My mother was the same, she deliberately ensured we couldn't do x so she would be the only one who could do it. It's unhealthy and controlling and ensures incompetence repeats itself through generations.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 11/04/2022 07:15

Wrong, as a single parent, I'm laid back with my 2 daughters, everything is done, how I and the children like it to be done. It's been like that ever since they were born.
My DP (Stepmum) on the other hand micromanages them and attempts to do so with me. It's our thing. I think women need to chill out a bit and stop the controlling behavior it's annoying.
Her cousin is coming over and she's another one, who wants everything done her way.

ReadyToMoveIt · 11/04/2022 07:27

[quote OLP2019]@readytomoveit "I wouldn’t have a clue what to do if the cistern wouldn’t stop filling either 🤷🏻‍♀️. We all have our strengths and weaknesses."
Yeah but what's your other half meant to do if they're half way across the world ?! [/quote]
As I said in my very next post, I’d phone my dad.
However if he was the other side of the world I’m sure he could manage to tell me what I needed to do.

confusedlots · 11/04/2022 07:43

Ah now I'm just dreaming of ever getting away on a European break with friends, how fabulous!
No, I wouldn't do any of this, but then DP regularly cooks and does shopping, I'm assuming this isn't the case in their situations? However I do all the family's laundry, I'm totally happy with this, it's just in one of my jobs, he has plenty of his own. So I'd probably make sure the washing was pretty much up to date, or at least that the laundry basket wasn't overflowing

Pumperthepumper · 11/04/2022 08:34

[quote FTEngineerM]@Pumperthepumper you can’t be a dad without a woman; somewhere they had sex with someone and they then chose to carry the pregnancy to full term.

The original post you quoted was about why women put up with it and then moan to other on how inept the guy is.. you just have to look at the 2u2 Facebook group to see the plethora of anon posts from women who’s partners are honestly shocking.

It’s not misogynistic to ask why someone chooses to stay, even when they’re getting shit on.[/quote]
Yes, it is misogynistic to blame a woman for a man’s shitty parenting. You’re still doing it, why is the idea that it’s the man’s fault so difficult for you to see?

whenwillthemadnessend · 11/04/2022 09:11

I'm away at the mo with my mum and one child.
Other child and dh are are at home

All I've done is do a normal food shop the week I went.
Told dh about dd appointments and tutor times

That's it.
He can cook drive get takeaways. I don't care what they do together. They seem to be having some nice bonding time together so it's been great.

I expect the house to be a little messier than usual but that's my fault for having high standards.

worriedatthistime · 11/04/2022 11:06

Luckily if I go away dh jUst gets on with it , but then he has always been hands on anyway
Im not sure I could be with someone who also needed looking after all the time
I came from a household where my dad always did his share as well so it was just something I was used to
I mean our standards may be different at times , i would dress the boys more co ordinated etc but there little things that don't matter