Page 5 | To think most ‘Mum guilt’ is perpetuated by incompetent dads

TeaAndBrie · 2022-04-08T09:20:15+00:00

So we’re going on a short European break for the weekend, me and 5 friends. We’ve not all been together for 8 years. We’re going to celebrate joint big birthdays. The amount of stuff that some of them is doing before they go to make things easier for the dads of their children is just bonkers. Meal planning and prepping, food shopping, cleaning, washing, arranging play dates, organising parents to help etc. Most of their husbands go away often for work/golfing weekends. You can guarantee they’re not afforded the same preparation or having to deal with children in years as they’re going to miss mummy too much!

worriedatthistime · 09/04/2022 14:43

@Pumperthepumper whose standards though , yours ?
What if your partners standards are too high
I mean children don't have to be on matching outfits it not harmful not to be
Also when one parent is left and are doing it all sometimes things do slip if you normally share the load
When mine were little I could leave at a drop of aa haT and dh was fine
He may not of put them in co ordinating outfits like I would but I may not cook to the same standards as him as he is a better cook

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 09/04/2022 14:53

@HousePlantNeglect

Only a matter of time before martyrdom comes up. Yet again blaming some women for shouldering most of the parenting.

I’m not in this boat and leave my kids at the drop of a hat with my OH who is as competent a parent as me. But I’ve got a tonne of friends who’s partners simply haven’t pulled their weight in the same way and they’ve been left to do most of the parenting. So going away for the weekend does feel difficult because their husbands need spoon feeding about how to care for the kids. This isn’t been a martyr, this is dealing with a shit male partner.

Yes I agree but they are certainly enabling their husbands to take little responsibility and thought in parenting their joint children!? Lets make it socially acceptable for the Dads to take all the responsibility!!

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 14:58

[quote worriedatthistime]@Pumperthepumper whose standards though , yours ?
What if your partners standards are too high
I mean children don't have to be on matching outfits it not harmful not to be
Also when one parent is left and are doing it all sometimes things do slip if you normally share the load
When mine were little I could leave at a drop of aa haT and dh was fine
He may not of put them in co ordinating outfits like I would but I may not cook to the same standards as him as he is a better cook [/quote]
I’ve already answered this. The standards of the posters who assume dad is so incapable the kids will have unironed clothes or McDonald’s for dinner.

Velvetlover65 · 09/04/2022 15:19

Some people do these things to put their minds at ease. Let then do what they want!

MangyInseam · 09/04/2022 15:26

In most cases this is totally unnecessary. That being said, suddenly being primary caregiver when you are not used to the routine can be a bit of an adjustment for anyone, and it could be nice to have a bit of pre-planning to smooth things over. And I'd expect things might be a little wonky over a weekend or week like that, it always is when people change jobs.

I don't think accepting that the dad might not have the same priorities as the mum is saying it's ok for kids to run feral. It's actually probably good for them, not that long ago most kids ran feral a lot of the time. At some point someone got to the mums (I include myself) so they feel that's unacceptable, but if dads have largely managed to escape that, good for them.

Purple52 · 09/04/2022 18:38

Yep it’s Martyrdom!!!

Assuming Dad knows his childrens names, has a smart phone and a credit card they’ll be fine!!

They might spend the weekend at soft play and only eat dominos, but they’ll make memories!!!

Newhousesad · 10/04/2022 03:54

YANBU. Most definitely

OLP2019 · 10/04/2022 05:22

I remember when dc were small and I went away for a weekend - they were fine with their dad but when I got home the house was trashed and no clean clothes for school the next day - I remember being so angry that dh felt he only had to do the bare minimum and I was asking too much to expect a tidy house and laundry done - all while he travelled for weeks at a time and I not only managed to look after the kids but also to clean tidy and do laundry !!
It actually ruined my weekend coming home to chaos because I got off a plane and immediately had to go into mum mode to fix everything !

Now they're older and I travel I do make sure they have clean uniforms and I write down their activities even though dh is always part of their pick up drop of schedule I'm sure he'd forget to send them with the right clothes or whatever
I refuse to meal prep however ! I will make sure the school lunch snacks are topped up

I do get annoyed when he goes away, packs a bag and waves goodbye without a second thought to what we're having for dinner or if we have lunch snacks available!

OLP2019 · 10/04/2022 05:24

I also have a friend with 3 kids who's dh goes on an annual ski trip with mates and doesn't even glance over his shoulder or do anything to prep for his absence ! Then when we had a girls weekend booked she was only "allowed " to stay one night and get up at dawn to drive home so her dh didn't have to manage his own kids for more than 24 hours

WaveParticleDuality · 10/04/2022 05:33

When I go away, I go away.

When I was a child in the 70s and my mum went away. She went away.

I do not concern myself with what happens in my absence. Why would I? I have a competent husband. I come back to an orderly house, with food prepared for my return.

I also had a competent father. So I knew that when women weren't around, domesticity didn't suffer.

Because men are fucking capable.

WaveParticleDuality · 10/04/2022 05:41

Either way, 'Mum guilt' isn't an emotion I'm conversant with.

Guilt? No thanks.

HELLITHURT · 10/04/2022 05:43

@yestothepest

I don't like anyone else running the house so I do all of this if I'm going away for a weekend

Ironed clothes. Washes all sorted and up to date. Allocated outfits for DC. Pjs sorted.

Just don't want anyone else messing with my household routine

That's so controlling!

WaveParticleDuality · 10/04/2022 05:46

I have a very sensible husband, I did make it quite clear, before conception, that any progeny were a joint enterprise.

More so, that I grew and fed them from my body, I would be expecting a massive input on his part.

And, he has never let me down!

WaveParticleDuality · 10/04/2022 05:50

Controlling @HELLITHURT? Madness more like.

That's not a life, it's a routine. I think that sort of nonsense is fear-based.

HELLITHURT · 10/04/2022 05:54

@funinthesun19

When my children go away with their father and paternal family in August, it won’t be their father who sorts out their clothes/belongings and packs them. I do find it infuriating. It’s not difficult for a grown man to plan/ buy/ pack what they need without it falling on to me. His other ex never had this problem because I was always there.

So is he an ex as well?

Sounds like a gem!

Not sure why you were sorting your SC stuff ever, they're totally his responsibility.

How a man had two women doing his parenting for him, god only knows!

Still I suppose you knew he was a useless parent before you had children with him.

WaveParticleDuality · 10/04/2022 06:11

Yes @HELLITHURT, why is @funinthesun19 (it's not though is it?) accepting that that's how it is??

Why? Why?

I don't get it.

WaveParticleDuality · 10/04/2022 06:16

And I am in now way blaming women for useless blokes. Men take behavioural patterns from men. Boys learn from men.

As I frequently say to all the men in my life, 'If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem'.

You speak to the fuckers. Because it's not my job to socialise men.

WaveParticleDuality · 10/04/2022 06:28

And I have a billion young adult nephews and brothers that phone me up with a sorts of nonsense.

And I tell them this. Do not burden women with your bollockry. Get yourself to a decent counsellor or sort it out yourself. No fucker cares. Don't be a dick.

And lay off the porn.

They obviously like my fuck off and sort yourself out advice, because it does seem to work and my own DS is a solid young man.

BUT, why are they phoning me, a woman, for advice on how to be a decent man?

It really isn’t my job.

DoItAfraid · 10/04/2022 11:02

@HousePlantNeglect

Only a matter of time before martyrdom comes up. Yet again blaming some women for shouldering most of the parenting.

I’m not in this boat and leave my kids at the drop of a hat with my OH who is as competent a parent as me. But I’ve got a tonne of friends who’s partners simply haven’t pulled their weight in the same way and they’ve been left to do most of the parenting. So going away for the weekend does feel difficult because their husbands need spoon feeding about how to care for the kids. This isn’t been a martyr, this is dealing with a shit male partner.

Agree with this.

“Martyrdom” implies the wife is being uptight / controlling and taking on an unnecessary burden for no good reason.

The reality that some “my husband does his fair share” is that a HUGE amount of men do not. When faced with this, of course the mum will try to mitigate the effect on the kids etc.

closetmeupandshootmetotheskies · 10/04/2022 11:29

I do not get this "I'm going to slag off the man I chose to have a baby with" mentality, tbh.

If your partner is useless and crap and cannot do anything, why the hell are you with them? Abortion is free at point of use. Single parenthood is an option. You didn't have to procreate with them.

In slagging them off and saying how useless they are, all you're doing is trashing yourself, because they are who you chose - a useless, inept, incapable little boy who cannot do anything right in your eyes.

Really, ehat kind of functioning grown woman chooses to be lumbered with such a useless shitsack??

Pumperthepumper · 10/04/2022 14:05

@closetmeupandshootmetotheskies

I do not get this "I'm going to slag off the man I chose to have a baby with" mentality, tbh.

If your partner is useless and crap and cannot do anything, why the hell are you with them? Abortion is free at point of use. Single parenthood is an option. You didn't have to procreate with them.

In slagging them off and saying how useless they are, all you're doing is trashing yourself, because they are who you chose - a useless, inept, incapable little boy who cannot do anything right in your eyes.

Really, ehat kind of functioning grown woman chooses to be lumbered with such a useless shitsack??

Pure misogyny. Always the woman’s fault.

yellowsuninthesky · 10/04/2022 14:35

Only a matter of time before martyrdom comes up. Yet again blaming some women for shouldering most of the parenting

It really isn't. Some mums want everything done perfectly and if their husbands don't do it that way they are "useless". No, it's different or they don't worry about things as much. An example might be "oh my child must have a hot cooked meal every night". Mum goes out, dad says "oh lets just have cheese on toast". Or just a sandwich. That is not being useless.

“Martyrdom” implies the wife is being uptight / controlling and taking on an unnecessary burden for no good reason

but they are and do! I had a live-in landlady who insisted on hoovering the house Every Day. I don't hoover from one week to the next, I just sweep up any actual mess and hoover from time to time. I thought she was a martyr then and that was way before I had my son.

yellowsuninthesky · 10/04/2022 14:38

@WaveParticleDuality

I have a very sensible husband, I did make it quite clear, before conception, that any progeny were a joint enterprise.

More so, that I grew and fed them from my body, I would be expecting a massive input on his part.

And, he has never let me down!

Quite. But then, I am neither uptight/controlling nor a martyr. If I go away and he doesn't do things the way I would, but he and my son are well fed and happy, that is what matters. Not that I would have done x and DH did y and how could he have done y and I need to do a mountain of "life admin" before I go away to make sure y can't possibly happen because the world will stop turning.

VyeBrator · 10/04/2022 14:43

I think most mum guilt today is caused by social media tbh. I'll never get how many mums are glued to FB, Insta etc or follow 'influencers' every move, only to complain it makes them feel like a shit parent.

FTEngineerM · 10/04/2022 15:06

How is it misogyny @Pumperthepumper ?

Stop acting like women are delicate little flowers with no agency, we’re fucking powerful.

We choose who our partners are, we choose whether to have sex with them, we choose whether to keep the pregnancy, we choose to remain in a relationship with them.

There’s obviously a tiny minority that are in arranged marriages or abused into thinking they don’t have a choice but that is not the majority.